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Sex Stats for Seniors February 27, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
35 comments

Grumpy gusThe frequency of sexual activity in senior males depends on where they were born.

Statistics released from Canada and the United Nations revealed that North American men between 60 and 80 years of age have sex, on average, two to three times per week.

Their Japanese counterparts, in contrast, have sex only once or twice per year . . . if they are lucky.

This news upset me and most of my buddies.  None of us had any idea we were Japanese.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.) 

Piles of Poetic Jello February 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
48 comments

170px-alice_par_john_tenniel_30Wading through descriptive prose that sounds poetic but makes no sense is like trying to climb over a pile of jello.

It’s rarely worth the effort.

When poetic prose adds depth without detracting from the story line, a lilting flow is relaxing and peaceful.

In contrast, when writing causes readers to get mired down deciphering images that make no sense, it’s just nonsense.

And it’s distracting.

Mainspring_wind-up_keysBy way of example:

“I am hypnotized by keys, thick fistfuls of them, I can taste their acid galvanization, more precious than wisdom.”

~ White Oleander, Janet Finch

Blech!

When writing detracts from my enjoyment of a book, I ask myself whether I should forge ahead through the dreck . . . to see if the unseen destination is worth the trek.

The answer is almost always:  Nah!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Dress It Up (El Space)

Attending a Car Show in the NOW February 23, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
34 comments

Donald-Duck-DrivingCars are BFF’s thing, not mine.  But this year I agreed to go to the International Auto Show in Tampa.

Attending the show became an exercise in mindfulness ~ a chance to practice acceptance of the “what is” . . . no matter what.

A chance to remain firmly grounded in the present moment . . . no matter what.

Donald-Duck-BaseballNot judging everything as “good” or “bad.”  Just going with the flow of the NOW.

No constant commentary streaming through my brain.  Just watching and observing.

No extreme highs and lows.  Just acceptance of the “what is” in the moment without resistance.

I accepted and released each moment as it arrived.  I remained awake and aware.  I dealt with situations without boredom or fear clouding my view.

I saw opportunities, not obstacles.

For example, getting there an hour “too early” gave us a chance to walk around the waterfront and enjoy a sunny morning.

Mickey-OKI remained “OK” with anything tossed our way without wasting time and energy deciding whether it was “good” or “bad.”

And, as a result, it was ALL GOOD!

Aah . . . that’s better!

In like vein, the parable of the Chinese Farmer reminds us of the benefits of adopting a “Maybe Mind.”

Related post: How to Become a Luckier Person Overnight (Raptitude)

Sex After Death February 20, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
27 comments

Mickey-and-Minnie-kissA couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death.  After a long life together, Frank was the first to die.  True to his word, he made the first contact:

“Kris, Kris, can you hear me?”

“Is that you, Frank?”

“Yes, I’ve come back like we agreed.”

“That’s wonderful! What’s it like?”

“I get up in the morning and have sex.  I eat breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course.  I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun, and have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch ~ and, Kris, you’d be proud ~ lots of greens!”

“What do you do in the afternoon?”

“More of the same.  Another romp around the golf course, then sex the rest of the afternoon.   After supper, it’s back to the golf course again. Then more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and the next day it starts all over again”

220px-TaleofPeterRabbit8“Oh, Frank! Are you in Heaven?”

“No.”

“No?”

“No ~ I’m a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.”

Aah . . . that’s bunny!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.) 

Just Ask Eve February 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Nature.
34 comments

On occasion, gators have wandered into houses in Florida through pet doors before patrolling the rooms with a lumbering gait.

“Honey!  I’m home!”

2015-03-04 14-22-30_0024

In other places, snakes have staked out a claim to the inside of a residence by slithering through registers when no one’s looking.

“Ssssss . . . any one home?”

Reptiles are sneaky beasts.

Just ask Eve.

Aah . . . cats are awesome!

A Time For Letting Go February 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
44 comments

IMGP3064bWhere’s the dividing line between success and failure?

When a door closes on one experience, be it marriage or career, should we view everything leading up to the closing door as a failure?

Should we view the experience itself as a mistake?

When we hang on to people, places, or things that detract from our happiness (out of fear, complacency, habit, or sheer stubbornness), should we view our continued commitment as a success to be celebrated?

Or as a failure to honor who we’ve become?

220px-PinocchioNothing in life is constant. 

Sometimes promises and solemn vows made to ourselves and others must be broken because we grew in directions different than expected.

That’s all part of the process, the uncertainty of life.

When we are 20 we don’t know who we will be, or what we will need, when we are 40, 60, or 80.

Socialization that encourages us to believe that we can live happily ever after, merely by holding fast to the past, is a lie.

Asking people to beg our forgiveness because they’ve changed over time is akin to asking a toddler to apologize for outgrowing his clothes ~ we might as well apologize to each other for being alive.

Ringling Museum 006bLongevity, standing alone, does not define success.

A happy marriage of whatever length is a success ~ even if it ends in the amicable parting of ways.

An unhappy marriage is not a success, no matter how long or how tightly the couple hangs on to their tattered vows to love, honor, and cherish.

A satisfying career, however brief, is a success. An unsatisfying career is not a success, even if it culminates in receipt of a gold watch after 40 years of faithful service.

When we stick with decisions made 10, 20, or 30 years ago, even if those decisions are no longer working for us, we are NOT making the most of the time we have left.

Taking stock of our lives, evaluating where we are, and deciding where we want to head from here, is a life-affirming practice, a cause for celebration ~  even if it requires closing a door opened decades earlier by a younger, less experienced version of our self.

250px-Scottish_hammer_throw_illustrationGrowth requires change, not constancy.

Just as day flows to night, life is a continuum of experiences, a daily journey to celebrate and savor ~ no matter how many doors have to be opened or closed along the way.

Growth requires that we expand our boundaries, step out of our comfort zone, and explore new vistas ~ we are not intended to hang on to the shoreline for the duration of our visit.

There’s a time for letting go.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Do not delay; the golden moments fly! ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Sexercise For Seniors! February 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
35 comments

Woodstock-&-Snoopy3A doctor requested a 78-year-old man to provide a sperm sample as part of his annual exam.

“Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.”

The next day the man returned and gave the doctor the jar which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

“What happened?”

‘Well, doc, it’s like this. First I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing.”

The doctor nodded, “Well, you gave it your best shot.”

The old man shook his head.  “Yep.  We even called Betty, the lady next door, and she tried too.”

“You asked your neighbor to help?!”

Snoopy2“Yep.  She tried with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing it between her knees, but still nothing!  None of us could get the damn jar open!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Spools of Gossamer Thread February 11, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
23 comments

448px-Alice_05a-1116x1492If writers wrote only from first hand experience and observation without extrapolation, we would not have been gifted with:

Harry Potter
Gulliver’s Travels
Alice in Wonderland
Mary Poppins
A Christmas Carol

When writers write from the heart, our worlds collide into a kaleidoscope of shared experience.

Hookah optional.

Of course, we never step into the same stream, book, or painting twice ~ it’s always New . . . Now.

170px-Alice_par_John_Tenniel_02Why insist on writing only “what we know” when most thoughts and memories flow from fertile imaginations fueled by spools of gossamer threads?

Keep honoring your creative curiosity!

Even if you end up chasing harried white rabbits bewitched by pocket watches.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  You Don’t Know What It’s Like To Be . . . (Behind The Story) * How Jack Daniels Kicked The Bucket (Another Day in Paradise)

Astral Projection February 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Magick & Mystery.
43 comments

Fantasia2Astral Projection sounds like a skill worth having ~ allowing us to be both HERE and THERE.

Per my recent research, there are exercises we can practice to become more adept at sending a drone or watcher out into the world.

However “the ability to make the astral body appear to others as a solid, physical object” (i.e., body-double) “is an advanced technique that takes a great deal of skill and concentration.”

If I make any headway with the practice, I’ll report back.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  In Both Places At One Time (Kate Shrewsday) * Padre Pio ~ Bilocation

Dr. Geezer February 6, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
41 comments

Woodstock-&-Snoopy3An old geezer became bored in retirement and decided to open a medical clinic. He put a sign outside that said:

Dr. Geezer’s Clinic
All treatments:  $500
No cure:  I’ll give you $1,000!

Doctor Young, who was positive that the old geezer didn’t know beans about medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000.

Dr. Young: “Dr.Geezer I have lost all taste in my mouth.  Can you please help me?”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young’s mouth.”

Dr. Young:  “Aaagh !! That’s Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your taste back. That will be $500.”

Annoyed, Dr. Young leaves, but returns in a couple of days to recover his money.

Dr. Young: “I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything.”

Dr. Geezer: “Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient’s mouth.”

Dr. Young: “Oh, no you don’t . . . that’s Gasoline!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You’ve got your memory back. That will be $500.”

Dr. Young, determined to get his $1000 back, returns a few days later with a new ailment.

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsDr. Young: “My eyesight has become weak ~ I can hardly see anything!”

Dr. Geezer: “Hmm . . . I don’t have any medicine for that.  Here’s $1000.”

With that, Dr. Geezer hands Dr. Young a $10 bill.

Dr. Young: “Hey!  This is only $10!”

Dr. Geezer: “Congratulations! You got your vision back.  That will be $500.”

Moral:  Being Young doesn’t mean you can outsmart an Old Geezer.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Bonus Tip: Don’t make old people mad. We don’t like being old in the first place, so it doesn’t take much to tick us off.

Enjoy your day!!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)