Skeletons In A Cryptic Crypt March 3, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Politics, Word Play.Tags: Crypts, Humor, Quean, Queen, Quires, Word Play
36 comments
A quest in the quire for the bones of the squire
A quick question posed to the right quarters
A quizzical quip about the queen’s mingled bedfellows
Is she queen consort . . . or consorting quean?
Inquiring minds want to get to the bottom of this box of bones!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: A Box of Bones (Kate Shrewsday)
London’s history overflows with quires, squires, inquiries, quips, quests, inquests, and queens. To learn more lore, you might wade into London by Edward Rutherfurd ~ “a glorious pageant spanning two thousand years.”
Not enough time to ingest a thousand pages spanning two thousand years on the Thames? Swing by L. Marie’s blog for my guest post set in a Scottish pub ~> The Stanton Effect: Building to the Punchline.
The Worst First Date February 21, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature, People.Tags: Humor, Joke, Nature, People
52 comments
When Jay Leno asked audience members to share embarrassing first dates, this story took the prize:
I had the worst first date ever. My date took me skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah. The outing was fun, until we started for home.
Driving down the mountain, an hour away from the nearest rest room, in the middle of nowhere, nature called.
I realized I should NOT have had that extra latte.
After holding it as long as I could, I asked him to stop the car so I could go beside the road. As soon as the car stopped, I jumped out, ran behind the car, yanked my pants down, rested my butt against the rear fender, and let go.
My date stood at the side of the car watching for traffic.
Despite the embarrassing nature of the situation, all I could think about was the relief I felt. Finished, I bent to pull up my pants and discovered my cheeks were glued to the car’s fender. Thoughts of tongues frozen to metal flagpoles came to mind as I attempted to disengage my exposed flesh from the icy perch.
When I told my date I needed assistance, he came around the car and burst out laughing at the sight of me freezing my butt off!
After we stopped laughing, we figured out the best way to free me . . . I looked the other way while he unzipped his pants and peed my butt off the fender.
As the audience screamed with laughter, Leno said, “This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.”
How did the date end?
Her date became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.
Aah . . . that’s better!
E-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
Has a first date ever pissed you off? 
Related articles: Frozen Assets (Snopes) * Rumors (TruthorFiction.com)
Virtual Reality: Fame & Fortune February 7, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, People.Tags: Happiness, Humor, Joke, Money, People
44 comments
I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes
Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger
Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford
Hollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin
I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke
If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson
No man is a failure who is enjoying life. ~ William Feather
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)
7 Pearls of Dubious Pedigree January 27, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People, Word Play.Tags: Humor, Mindfulness, People, Vegetarian, Word Play
48 comments
Every so often, I toss flotsam, jetsam, and/or detritus overboard in order to keep synapses firing at optimal efficiency.
Here for your consideration are 7 Pearls of Dubious Pedigree:
1. Judgment is discernment.
Judgment gives us the ability to weigh options and choose between competing priorities. We would be lost without it.
Fundraisers unite
with one common goal ~ to take
your money and run
Even if you give ALL opposing ideas, thoughts, and opinions the benefit of the doubt, that doesn’t mean they possess any inherent validity.
Some ideas are ignorant, idiotic, and/or just plain evil.
Not convinced? Keep reading . . .
2. Rejecting Social Acceptability.
Next time you’re in a restaurant (or, better still, the bowling alley!), reach over and grab a handful of French fries or a slice of pizza from your neighbors.
See what happens.
3. The Zeitgeist Movement and the Venus Project.
If parents can’t make equitable distributions between 2-3 offspring, how would society do so for everyone?
“How come Mozart got a GRAND PIANO and I just got a stupid harmonica?”
“Be glad it’s not a rock, Charlie Brown.”
4. Why are carnivores averse to cannibalism?
Why are cows, pigs, chickens, and turkeys gobbled up while horses, dogs, cats, and rodents are shunned by everyone but Andrew Zimmern?
Why are we willing to donate our organs to science . . . but not to someone’s breakfast table?
5. A “Pay It Forward” Pyramid Scheme.
There’s a Pay It Forward chain letter circulating through cyber space.
When I saw it for the first time, I refrained from leaving a comment on the post because I did NOT want to be selected to win an “unspecified surprise” . . . not if it meant agreeing to add five more people to the chain by offering to send them an unspecified surprise if they would each agree to add five more people to the chain.
Etc. Etc. Etc. Ad Nauseum. The whole thing is just too forced and phony. A pyramid scheme gone awry.
I’m happy to perform “good deeds” and “random acts of kindness” on an ad hoc basis, but I don’t like gifts with strings attached.
And, even if I enjoyed being manipulated via cyber strings, I’m not going to agree to send out 5 surprises in exchange for one surprise I might not even like.
“Be glad it’s not a rock, Charlie Brown.”
When we are mindful, ample opportunities to be kind appear in our In Box every day . . . without the necessity of entering into contrived cyber contracts.
6. Happiness is ‘eeling.
Laughter each day keeps the doctor away.
He who laughs, lasts. ~ Mary Pettibone Poole
And even if you don’t get better, you’ll feel better. It’s a win-win for everyone.
Except the doctor. But ‘eel get over it!
Eek . . . an eel!
Grasping on to my heel!
Whilst wrapped in chain
Oh what a sight
I shudder with fright
But ‘eel steal my pain
All’s well that ends well
The Eel that Time Remembered (Kate Shrewsday)
7. No Fungus, Please.
When I was a kid, I ate a poisonous mushroom in the backyard and had to have my stomach pumped.
It left a bad taste in my mouth.
That’s why I refuse to eat fungus.
If ever I get around to writing a Vegetarian Cookbook, it will NOT include any recipes featuring mushrooms, toadstools, or truffles.
I’ll call it, No Fungus, Please!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related Posts: 13 Pieces of Potpourri * 13 Unpolished Gems . . . One Stone * 7 More Unpolished Stones
Friendships Based On Mutual Distrust January 21, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Life Balance, Life Lessons, Mindfulness, People.Tags: Friendship, Life Balance, Life Lessons, Mindfulness, People
78 comments
“Offering superficial approval, passive agreement, and placating compliments is easy. Being a good friend is hard.”
~ Janna T. Writes
Yup.
When friends ask us to “be honest,” they don’t always mean it. Instead of thanking us for our honest candor, they may lash out or turn their backs on us.
That happened to me once upon a time.
A friend asked me what I thought of the guy she was dating. Everyone else (including her mother) lied to her and said he was wonderful. I told her that he seemed selfish and full of himself.
He dumped her a few months later.
At that point, everyone else (including her mother) admitted that they had NEVER liked him, that he was a complete and utter jerk, that she was better off without him, etc.
And she was OK with their about-face.
Even though she KNEW they had intentionally lied to her, she was OK with their dishonesty.
She was NOT OK with my honesty.
She gave me the cold shoulder for YEARS, later revealing the reason why.
As I pondered her belated explanation, I decided that, if given the chance, I would not retract my words to gain her approval by lying.
Maintaining pseudo-friendships based on mutual distrust and insincere platitudes seems rather pointless.
What do you think?
Be Honest!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: Kindly Be Honest
Coasting Downhill January 9, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.Tags: Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People
39 comments
It’s great when we reach the point that we can say with confidence: “Who I am is who I want to be.”
Then we can coast downhill to the finish line.
Aah . . . that’s better!
How To Cripple A Butterfly January 4, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Life Lessons, Mindfulness, Nature, People.Tags: Life Lessons, Mindfulness, Nature, People
46 comments
If we rush to comfort a baby every time he cries, he doesn’t learn to comfort himself.
If we toss a “fish” every time someone’s hungry, they won’t learn to fish for themselves.
When we rush to empathize or sympathize every time someone has a “hang nail,” we are training them to look to OTHERS to meet their needs rather than looking WITHIN for guidance.
We are encouraging them to share every minor annoyance and aggravation in their lives because it “feels good” to get attention from others . . . and we can give ourselves a pat on the back for “being there” for them.
We need not refrain from helping others when they really NEED help, but we may do more harm than good if we rush to help without allowing others the time needed to process things.
The best way to cripple a butterfly is to interfere with its efforts to emerge from the cocoon.
Our struggle to emerge is part of the path.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Too Soon To Mourn January 3, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, People, Poetry.Tags: Aging, Dementia, Health, Poetry, Senility, Wellness, Word Play
22 comments
They’re already gone
In so many ways that matter
It’s too soon to mourn
They’re still on life’s stage
We sit in the audience
Watching the curtain fall
How much will be left
When nothing is left at all
Of the way they were?
* * *
A hint:
Aah . . . that’s better!
Stuff By Us December 30, 2014
Posted by nrhatch in Art & Photography, Home & Garden, People.Tags: Antiques, Family, Heirlooms, Home, Memories
46 comments
Don’t get the wrong idea . . . we don’t spend all our time sitting on our hands waiting for others to gift stuff to us. Sometimes we make it!
In high school, I hooked this rug (which gives you an inkling of where I wanted to live).
BFF made this bookcase which we use as a table in the front hall.
I cross-stitched this small sampler which hangs in the kitchen.
BFF made a second bookcase for my office.
I cross-stitched this large sampler which may be adopted out soon.
Or not. We’ll see.
Here’s a built better by BFF bench that sits by the front door.
Two more benches we used as coffee tables are patiently waiting in the closet to be repurposed.
I sewed the button Christmas tree next to this copper teapot.
We didn’t make this bench . . . but it’s the first antique we purchased after we got married.
This Scottish seaman’s trunk is 400 years old. It stores all my Santas and Christmas decorations “out of season.
I painted this Whimsical WELCOME.
And this little patchwork Christmas tree (next to the Santa).
One year, I painted 12 Santas as gifts and kept one in a blue coat holding a wreath (far right).
I decorated 13 of these trees one year to give as gifts. I kept one.
And last (and least) I painted the Christmas tree in a thimble stand that keeps my Christmas Critters company in front of a few more favorite heirlooms and keepsakes . . . BOOKS!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Do you have heirlooms that you enjoy all year and others that emerge only at the holidays?
Related posts: Making Your Dreams Come True * What Have You Created Lately? * Why Do We Keep Stuff? * When Pigs Fly * Adults Have All The Fun . . . NOT! * Sense and Nonsense * My Rogues Gallery * My Blue Period
Virtual Reality: Battle of the Sexes February 28, 2015
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, People.Tags: Humor, Joke, People, Sexism, Sexist Comments
46 comments
When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip
The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr
I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor
Home cooking ~> Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante
Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind
A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. – Irina Dunn
Q. “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”
A. “Why buy the pig if all you want is a little sausage?”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)
March 2nd: I’m guest posting on L. Marie’s blog as part of her series ~ The Stanton Effect: Inspiration From A TED Talk.
Here’s the link: The Stanton Effect: Building to the Punchline