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An Amazing Super Power June 18, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.
40 comments

Donald-Duck-MadOnce, when trapped on an elevator in the courthouse with a VERY ANGRY person who was spewing venom at a judge who had just ruled against him (as his “sister” nodded along and kept the vituperative juices flowing) . . . I decided to use my most amazing super power in a death-defying feat.

First, I stated the obvious:  “You said the F-word.”

Then I flashed a B~I~G grin.

Donald-Duck-LaughingInterrupted mid-tirade, he swiveled in my direction, glared at me, opened his mouth to tell me to mind my own fucking business . . . and then the grin on my face registered and he burst out laughing!

Humor may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but it can diffuse the ticking time bomb of ANGER with a single grin.

Aah . . . that’s better!

The Tip of the Iceberg June 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.
35 comments

220px-PinocchioIt’s hard enough to know people we spend time with on a daily basis since we see only the tip of the iceberg.

Much of who they are is hidden below the water line.

It is next to impossible to know people we’ve never met . . .

Setting aside speculation based on fertile imagination.

Once we stop analyzing others to find their “fault lines,” we often realize that who they are is not an issue we need to tackle.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  In Which A “Doofus” Makes Himself Known In The Colonoscopy Waiting Area (Ally Bean); Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring About What Other People Think (Wait But Why)

 

 

A Cyber Elf On The Shelf June 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, People.
47 comments

Ringling Museum 006bI don’t do much shopping on-line (or at brick and mortar stores).

When I do, I’ve noticed products stalking me in sidebars.  It’s like having a Cyber Elf on the Shelf peering over my shoulder monitoring my every move.

I don’t appreciate it.

That type of constant intrusion is one reason I closed my FB account.

And why I won’t buy a smart phone.

And why I don’t shop at grocery stores that require shoppers to use a Savings Card to take advantage of Weekly Specials.

IMGP1786bI don’t want grocery stores, Cyber Elves, Ma Bell, or Big Brother tracking my purchases.

I don’t need creepy cyber clowns or Homeland Security agents to keep tabs on my whereabouts.

As long as I know where I am and what I’m doing, that’s enough!

And, now, while Big Brother is watching you, I’m going to make a run for it!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Stalked By Facial Recognition Doohickeys (Coffee Kat)

 

We Had a Field Day on Field Day! May 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Happiness, People.
47 comments

105px-Hopscotch1900F294.svgJill’s post about school recess periods, We’re Free, brought back happy memories of playing on the playground in grade school:

Kick Ball.  Dodge Ball.  Tether Ball.  Hop Scotch.  Jump Rope.

Remembering those good times on the playground reminded me of our annual Field Day event.

We had a Field Day on Field Day!

Instead of sitting in class, classes assembled outside to run fast, jump high, and compete for ribbons in Olympic caliber events on the track and in the field:

We enjoyed egg-spoon races, 3-legged races, wheelbarrow races (steering human wheelbarrows by the ankles), long jump, high jump, tug-of-war (where even the winners walked away with rope burn), and all manner of mad dashes.

As energy levels flagged, teachers lined us up in facing rows for the Egg Toss.

Not to be confused with the Caber Toss or Hammer Throw:

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At first, mere inches separated the two long rows of intent students facing one another.  With each successive toss, successful teams had to take another step back before launching their oval missiles.

Eventually the chasm was too wide to cross with a gentle toss and the eggs got scrambled.

Egg Toss (in Public Domain)

Rather like Humpty Dumpty.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Did you celebrate Field Days in your school?

The More The Merrier, But . . . May 14, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, Life Balance, People.
29 comments

The more the merrier, but . . .

The bigger the group, the harder it is to get around and talk to everyone without missing something or someone.

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“Hey, where’s Linda?”

As conversations merge and shift, with incomplete threads whipping about in the wind, edges blur and the end result may be just out of focus.

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That’s why it’s important to take time to recharge your batteries after a gathering of the clan ~ it restores clarity.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Meeting People For The First Time May 11, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Mindfulness, Nature, People.
32 comments

We went to Heritage Village in Largo on a gorgeous spring day.  Our moods matched the weather ~ sunny and bright.

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We enjoyed our interactions with the docents and other visitors.

With no reason to look through the cloudy lens of past experience, we could just enjoy the NOW as we toured historic buildings.

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We didn’t have any stale baggage (or barrels) to cart around because we shared no history.

Our interactions were new NOW.

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No grievances, resentments, disappointments or expectations marred our view or caused us concern about the future.

We engaged for the first (and last) time without a backwards glance.

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When we bring that same level of alert curiosity to our every day encounters, everything is new NOW.

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No man steps into the same river twice ~ for it is not the same river and he is not the same man. ~ Heraclitus

Aah . . . that’s better!

Snooty Snotty Sneering Snobs! May 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Word Play.
34 comments

The-Pink-PantherI don’t care for snooty attitudes.
People like that just seem snotty to me.

“Here! Have a Kleenex!”

Most of the time, I find snotty attitudes more amusing than upsetting.

Donald-Duck-LaughingIf a snooty snotty sneering snob “looks down on me,” I happily retaliate . . .

By laughing my ass off at them.

Especially if I know their snottitude cost them a commission!

If someone gives you a “hard time” or a “bad review,” do you consider the source before allowing their opinion to ruffle your feathers?

Mickey-OKWe cannot control others.

We can control how we choose to view them . . . with anger or compassion, with amused detachment or frustration.

We can choose NOT to be offended.

Aah . . . that’s better!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Related:  Shopping for Tile: A Tale of Snobbery and Comeuppance (Ally Bean) * How To Thicken Your Skin (RoughWighting)

Don’t Be Loopy! April 21, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
46 comments

Donald-DuckaWhen people expect me to listen, I want them to have a point . . . and reach it.

I’ve been in conversations with folks who set out in one direction, veer off into another, take a detour, drop into a digression . . .

All without EVER circling back to the initial point.

Donald-Duck-BaseballEven when I remind them of their starting point (because I was paying attention to what they were saying even if they weren’t), they still can’t complete the loop.

They’re just LOOPY!!!!

The worst off-topic rambler I know calls on the phone and chats non-stop for an hour or so.

She meanders this way and that without ever culminating a thread.Donald-Duck-Lazy

She’s definitely more focused on the “journey” than the destination.

I used to try and steer her back to topics of interest, but that just prolonged the call without unearthing any morals to her stories.

Now I just let her go (like the Energizer Bunny) while I recline on the bed, close my eyes, and R~E~L~A~X.

Donald-DirectorSince there is NO PRESSURE to respond or come up with interesting tidbits for discussion, it’s almost like meditating and watching the “clouds” float by.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related:  The Art of Timely Communication (Coffee Kat)

No Fooling Home Schooling April 16, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
43 comments

Huey,-Dewey-And-LouieMany of us were HOME SCHOOLED . . .

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

Donald-Duck-Driving6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My father taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

Little-Miss-Scatterbrain12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”

Donald-Ducka18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP .

“Put your sweater on.  I know you are cold.”

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

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22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. My father taught me about KARMA .

“One day you’ll get yours . . . and have kids who act just like you!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Message From Queen Elizabeth II April 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
44 comments

220px-Shackleton's_Ship_Quest_1921To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for the Presidency of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Effective immediately . . .

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

170px-PuckCover

4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

250px-Scottish_hammer_throw_illustration

12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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