Scrutinizing The Status Quo September 17, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.44 comments
After our morning beach walk, we stopped at the outdoor showers to wash the sand off our feet.
As we turned to leave, a barefoot and bare-chested man in his mid-50’s approached the showers.
He turned on the water, stepped into the spray, and pulled out the waistband of his swim trunks, creating a gap between his bare belly and his trunks.
He peered into the chasm as the water made its descent, scrutinizing the situation to ensure that his quo was status:
“Everything OK down there?”
“Yup. Everything’s good.”
“Any shrinkage?”
“Some. But we’ll bounce back.”
“Great. Everyone present and accounted for?”
“Yup. All aboard.”
“Excellent.”
After taking stock of his nether regions, the man released the elastic waistband of his trunks, turned off the shower, and headed back to the beach.
Aah . . . that’s better!
A Two Hour Long Infomercial September 15, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Meditation, People.47 comments
I tuned in for Craig Hamilton’s webinar on Tuesday night, fifteen minutes before the scheduled start time.
Lovely music played. I focused on my breathing and relaxed into the Now.
Just going with the flow.
The music stopped. And . . . NOTHING happened.
I refreshed the page and got a message saying that due to the vast numbers of unenlightened beings trying to listen in, the server had crashed.
No worries.
The what is, is.
I decided to look around his website.
Turns out he’s offering a 12-week course in Direct Enlightenment for $547!
That gleaned intel provided the only “A Ha!” moment of the evening. Although, to be honest, it might have been more of a “Ha Ha” moment.
I tried again to join the webinar to see what he had to say.
Success! (In a manner of speaking.)
I managed to grab a seat at 9:27 pm and listened to Craig speak in a hushed monotonous monochromatic monotone for the next 90 minutes.
It took him that long to say absolutely nothing. Then say it again.
I was not impressed with the information he conveyed . . . or the hypnotic, sleep-inducing manner in which he conveyed it.
Bottom Line: I’m not signing up to take his 12 week course for $547.
Sitting through one 2-hour infomercial was more than enough for me.
I think I’ve seen the light!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Restrain Your Self! September 10, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.33 comments
Wikipedia ~ Handcuffs (in Public Domain)
After a short but heated criminal trial, the judge asked the defendant if he would like to say anything before the court passed sentence.
Nodding, the defendant jumped to his feet.
His attorney reached out to restrain him . . . to no avail.
Staring defiantly at the judge, the defendant grinned, “Yeah, I got somethin’ to say.”
As defense counsel cradled his head in his hands and prepared for the worst, the defendant smirked and said, “Your honor, you’re a fat, four-eyed son-of-a-bitch!”
With that, the defendant sat down, a smug look of satisfaction on his face.
His attorney looked toward the judge, hoping the judge would have a sense of humor about the comment.
With a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth, the judge peered over his glasses at the defendant and drawled, “Well, I daresay you may be right about your first two observations . . .”
After pausing to remove and clean his glasses, the judge dropped the other shoe, “but that last comment is going to cost you an extra 90 days.”
“Defendant is hereby remanded to custody . . . ”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Self Restraint . . . you never know when it might save you some time.
Inspiration: a joke I heard many moons ago
King Arthur & The Ugly Old Woman August 27, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.40 comments
King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.
The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals.
The monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.
Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.
The question . . . What do women really want?
Such a question would perplex even the wisest man. To young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.
He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.
Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman. She would have the answer, but the price would be high. The woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged for her wise counsel.
The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.
The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!
Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.
He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.
Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur’s question thus:
What a woman really wants . . . is to be in charge of her own life.
Everyone in the kingdom knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.
And so it was.
The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.
The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.
The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and a beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or at night?
Lancelot pondered the predicament.
During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman? Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?
What would YOU do? Make YOUR choice before you scroll down.
Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.
Upon hearing this, she announced she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.
The moral to this story:
If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . things are going to get ugly!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
Patience Pays Off August 3, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Mindfulness, People, Travel & Leisure.40 comments
Normally I write more during the summer months.
Because I can write inside.
In air-conditioned comfort.
Avoiding the blazing hot tropical sun during scorching H~O~T mid-day hours.
But not this summer.
This summer I’ve spent hours inside getting back into Bridge.
It’s a great game.
My favorite.
But learning all the ins and outs of counting cards, bidding, communicating with partners, and playing finesses with finesse is time-consuming.
That’s OK.
Being impatient with the here and now adds to our suffering.
Learning to go with the flow and allow life to unfold without futile attempts to push the stream pays big dividends.
Patience pays off as we pursue our pursuits.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: How To Be Patient (Raptitude)
An Amazing Super Power June 18, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.40 comments
Once, when trapped on an elevator in the courthouse with a VERY ANGRY person who was spewing venom at a judge who had just ruled against him (as his “sister” nodded along and kept the vituperative juices flowing) . . . I decided to use my most amazing super power in a death-defying feat.
First, I stated the obvious: “You said the F-word.”
Then I flashed a B~I~G grin.
Interrupted mid-tirade, he swiveled in my direction, glared at me, opened his mouth to tell me to mind my own fucking business . . . and then the grin on my face registered and he burst out laughing!
Humor may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but it can diffuse the ticking time bomb of ANGER with a single grin.
Aah . . . that’s better!
The Tip of the Iceberg June 15, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.35 comments
It’s hard enough to know people we spend time with on a daily basis since we see only the tip of the iceberg.
Much of who they are is hidden below the water line.
It is next to impossible to know people we’ve never met . . .
Setting aside speculation based on fertile imagination.
Once we stop analyzing others to find their “fault lines,” we often realize that who they are is not an issue we need to tackle.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related posts: In Which A “Doofus” Makes Himself Known In The Colonoscopy Waiting Area (Ally Bean); Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring About What Other People Think (Wait But Why)
A Cyber Elf On The Shelf June 9, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, People.47 comments
I don’t do much shopping on-line (or at brick and mortar stores).
When I do, I’ve noticed products stalking me in sidebars. It’s like having a Cyber Elf on the Shelf peering over my shoulder monitoring my every move.
I don’t appreciate it.
That type of constant intrusion is one reason I closed my FB account.
And why I won’t buy a smart phone.
And why I don’t shop at grocery stores that require shoppers to use a Savings Card to take advantage of Weekly Specials.
I don’t want grocery stores, Cyber Elves, Ma Bell, or Big Brother tracking my purchases.
I don’t need creepy cyber clowns or Homeland Security agents to keep tabs on my whereabouts.
As long as I know where I am and what I’m doing, that’s enough!
And, now, while Big Brother is watching you, I’m going to make a run for it!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: Stalked By Facial Recognition Doohickeys (Coffee Kat)
We Had a Field Day on Field Day! May 25, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Happiness, People.47 comments
Jill’s post about school recess periods, We’re Free, brought back happy memories of playing on the playground in grade school:
Kick Ball. Dodge Ball. Tether Ball. Hop Scotch. Jump Rope.
Remembering those good times on the playground reminded me of our annual Field Day event.
We had a Field Day on Field Day!
Instead of sitting in class, classes assembled outside to run fast, jump high, and compete for ribbons in Olympic caliber events on the track and in the field:
We enjoyed egg-spoon races, 3-legged races, wheelbarrow races (steering human wheelbarrows by the ankles), long jump, high jump, tug-of-war (where even the winners walked away with rope burn), and all manner of mad dashes.
As energy levels flagged, teachers lined us up in facing rows for the Egg Toss.
Not to be confused with the Caber Toss or Hammer Throw:
At first, mere inches separated the two long rows of intent students facing one another. With each successive toss, successful teams had to take another step back before launching their oval missiles.
Eventually the chasm was too wide to cross with a gentle toss and the eggs got scrambled.
Egg Toss (in Public Domain)
Rather like Humpty Dumpty.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Did you celebrate Field Days in your school?
The More The Merrier, But . . . May 14, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, Life Balance, People.29 comments
The more the merrier, but . . .
The bigger the group, the harder it is to get around and talk to everyone without missing something or someone.
“Hey, where’s Linda?”
As conversations merge and shift, with incomplete threads whipping about in the wind, edges blur and the end result may be just out of focus.
That’s why it’s important to take time to recharge your batteries after a gathering of the clan ~ it restores clarity.
Aah . . . that’s better!
