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Don’t Be Loopy! April 21, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
46 comments

Donald-DuckaWhen people expect me to listen, I want them to have a point . . . and reach it.

I’ve been in conversations with folks who set out in one direction, veer off into another, take a detour, drop into a digression . . .

All without EVER circling back to the initial point.

Donald-Duck-BaseballEven when I remind them of their starting point (because I was paying attention to what they were saying even if they weren’t), they still can’t complete the loop.

They’re just LOOPY!!!!

The worst off-topic rambler I know calls on the phone and chats non-stop for an hour or so.

She meanders this way and that without ever culminating a thread.Donald-Duck-Lazy

She’s definitely more focused on the “journey” than the destination.

I used to try and steer her back to topics of interest, but that just prolonged the call without unearthing any morals to her stories.

Now I just let her go (like the Energizer Bunny) while I recline on the bed, close my eyes, and R~E~L~A~X.

Donald-DirectorSince there is NO PRESSURE to respond or come up with interesting tidbits for discussion, it’s almost like meditating and watching the “clouds” float by.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related:  The Art of Timely Communication (Coffee Kat)

No Fooling Home Schooling April 16, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
43 comments

Huey,-Dewey-And-LouieMany of us were HOME SCHOOLED . . .

1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.

“If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.

“You better pray that will come out of the carpet.”

3. My father taught me about TIME TRAVEL.

“If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”

4. My father taught me LOGIC.

“Because I said so, that’s why.”

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC .

“If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”

Donald-Duck-Driving6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.

“Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”

7. My father taught me IRONY.

“Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.

“Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.

“Just you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.

“You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.

“This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”

Little-Miss-Scatterbrain12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.

“If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times, don’t exaggerate!”

13. My father taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.

“I brought you into this world, and I can take you out…”

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .

“Stop acting like your father!”

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.

“There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.

“Just wait until we get home.”

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.

“You are going to get it from your father when you get home!”

Donald-Ducka18 . My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.

“If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to get stuck that way.”

19. My mother taught me ESP .

“Put your sweater on.  I know you are cold.”

20. My father taught me HUMOR.

“When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.

“If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”

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22. My mother taught me GENETICS.

“You’re just like your father.”

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.

“Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.

“When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.

25. My father taught me about KARMA .

“One day you’ll get yours . . . and have kids who act just like you!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Message From Queen Elizabeth II April 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
44 comments

220px-Shackleton's_Ship_Quest_1921To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for the Presidency of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Effective immediately . . .

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Communication Is Key March 26, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
37 comments

170px-PuckCoverA judge, interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce, asks, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

“About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“Concrete, brick, and mortar.”

“I mean,” he continued, “what are your relations like?”

Tiggers-R-Us“I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband’s parents.  They’re all good folk.”

The judge took a deep breath and asked, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don’t have a car.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

Woodstock-&-Snoopy2“Yes, my son and daughter both have stereo sets. We don’t like the music – all that hip hop and rap tap – but we can’t seem to do anything about it.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes, every morning.”

“Every morning?”

“Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.”

The judge asked, “Is your husband a nagger?”

“Oh, hell no, he’s as white as you and me!”

Little-Miss-ScatterbrainFinally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?

“I don’t want a divorce.  I’ve never wanted a divorce, my husband does. The damn fool says he can’t communicate with me.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

 

You Are NOT “All That” March 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Mindfulness, People, Spirit & Ego.
30 comments

RWS_Tarot_01_MagicianMy nieces and nephews adored us when they were too little to know any better.

Now, with the utmost discernment, they let us know that we are NOT “all that” any more.

Should we be hurt?

Of course not.

Just because Ego enjoyed the adoration that flowed from their younger selves doesn’t mean that Ego is entitled to it for the duration.

* If Ego wants something, and gets it, Ego may be happy for a time. Until a new desire arises.

* If Ego wants something, and we withhold it, Ego may be unhappy for a time. Until a new distraction arises.

The cause of Ego’s happiness or unhappiness is the thoughts Ego chooses to think.

Donald-Duck-MadEgo is a toddler, often in the throes of the terrible twos.  Giving in to Ego’s incessant demands each time Ego insists it “needs” something, doesn’t help in the long run.

Once Ego’s current “needs” have been met, Ego will desire something else and something else and something else.

What Ego really needs is to grow up and realize that it makes no sense to put its happiness in someone else’s pocket.

Mickey-OKThe pain of rejection at the level of Ego is often the catalyst for spiritual growth.

Once Ego realizes that happiness lies within, it begins to see through the illusion that it “needs” anything other than what it already has.

With that shift in perspective, self-created suffering dissipates into the ether.

We realize that we ARE “all that” . . . and MORE!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Are You Smarter Than A Librarian? March 3, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People, Travel & Leisure.
51 comments

Tiggers-R-UsA few weeks ago, we played a trivia game, Are You Smarter Than A Librarian?, at the Central Library in Bradenton.

Seven teams competed, responding to 31 questions:

Three teams got 20-22 correct.
The top three teams scored 25, 24, and 23.

BFF and I came in last!
We got 17/31 correct.

3D-ApeOur last place finish didn’t bother us since the other teams had 4 or 5 members searching their collective gray matter for answers.  We were the only 2 person team competing.

Plus, the questions we missed addressed things we never knew, not stuff we knew but couldn’t recall.

For example:

# What does the “VSOP” on Cognac bottles mean?  We got as far as “Very Special Old” . . . but the “P” stumped us.

# We didn’t know the month & year Osama bin Laden bit the dust, but the fact that we lacked that fact doesn’t bother me a bit ~> what matters to me is that he, like Jacob Marley, is “deader than a doornail.”

# We missed questions about the TV series “Scandal” and other TV shows we’ve never watched.

Donald-Duck-Baseball# We were way off base when asked how many singles the Beatles released in 1964.

We guessed “6” ~> not even close!

None of the groups landed in the right ball park on this question.

The correct answer: 29!

Mickey-OKDespite our last place finish, we had a blast.

And lots of laughs.

So, even if we are NOT smarter than a librarian, we’d play again!

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Time For Letting Go February 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
44 comments

IMGP3064bWhere’s the dividing line between success and failure?

When a door closes on one experience, be it marriage or career, should we view everything leading up to the closing door as a failure?

Should we view the experience itself as a mistake?

When we hang on to people, places, or things that detract from our happiness (out of fear, complacency, habit, or sheer stubbornness), should we view our continued commitment as a success to be celebrated?

Or as a failure to honor who we’ve become?

220px-PinocchioNothing in life is constant. 

Sometimes promises and solemn vows made to ourselves and others must be broken because we grew in directions different than expected.

That’s all part of the process, the uncertainty of life.

When we are 20 we don’t know who we will be, or what we will need, when we are 40, 60, or 80.

Socialization that encourages us to believe that we can live happily ever after, merely by holding fast to the past, is a lie.

Asking people to beg our forgiveness because they’ve changed over time is akin to asking a toddler to apologize for outgrowing his clothes ~ we might as well apologize to each other for being alive.

Ringling Museum 006bLongevity, standing alone, does not define success.

A happy marriage of whatever length is a success ~ even if it ends in the amicable parting of ways.

An unhappy marriage is not a success, no matter how long or how tightly the couple hangs on to their tattered vows to love, honor, and cherish.

A satisfying career, however brief, is a success. An unsatisfying career is not a success, even if it culminates in receipt of a gold watch after 40 years of faithful service.

When we stick with decisions made 10, 20, or 30 years ago, even if those decisions are no longer working for us, we are NOT making the most of the time we have left.

Taking stock of our lives, evaluating where we are, and deciding where we want to head from here, is a life-affirming practice, a cause for celebration ~  even if it requires closing a door opened decades earlier by a younger, less experienced version of our self.

250px-Scottish_hammer_throw_illustrationGrowth requires change, not constancy.

Just as day flows to night, life is a continuum of experiences, a daily journey to celebrate and savor ~ no matter how many doors have to be opened or closed along the way.

Growth requires that we expand our boundaries, step out of our comfort zone, and explore new vistas ~ we are not intended to hang on to the shoreline for the duration of our visit.

There’s a time for letting go.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Do not delay; the golden moments fly! ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

What Would You Do? February 1, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
61 comments

The-Pink-PantherThe Hypothetical:  A neighbor you’ve been friendly with for 6 years has turned decidedly frosty toward you.  You don’t know why.  You’re certain that you did nothing directly to her that should have caused the change of heart.  But whenever you see her and smile or wave, she looks right through you . . . with a frosty glare.

What would you do?

Donald-Duck-MadA.  Angrily confront her and demand an explanation:

“Who the hell do you think you are?  I’ve been nothing but nice to you and you look at me like I’m a “dog deposit” left in the middle of your driveway!”

B. Ignore her back:

“I’ll see your frosty stare.  And raise you a . . . cold shoulder.”

C.  Collapse into a puddle of tears, effectively putting the keys to your happiness in her pocket.

Donald-Duck-BaseballD. Try to open up the channels of communication:

“Hey.  I’ve noticed that you seem a bit frosty towards me in recent interactions.  I can’t think why.  Is it something we should talk about at some point?”

E. Laugh & talk about her behind her back with anyone who will listen:

“OMG!  She is being a total bitch to me.  Every time she gives me her prune face I want to burst out laughing.”

Donald-DirectorF. Nothing.  If she wants to talk about it, let her broach the discussion.

G. Move.

H. Other.  Be as creative as you want here!

So . . . what would you do?

 

Before deciding ~> Breathe * Relax * Feel * Watch * Allow.

Instead of pushing, pulling, or trying to manipulate the actions of others, we can adopt an attitude of “cheerful indifference” as we allow things to be as they are.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  Good Enough (Roxi St. Clair) * Self Acceptance (Find Your Middle Ground)

 

 

 

A Brand New Day January 27, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, People, Spirit & Ego.
46 comments

Turtle-Underwater“When is the viewing?”

“No viewing.  He’s already been cremated.  All that’s left is ash.”

“WHAT?!  How could you do that?!  You knew we’d want to see him again.  And that we’d want to bury him in the family plot next to mom and dad.”

“Hmm . . . to be honest, I didn’t consider what you wanted.  HE wanted to be cremated.  I arranged for his cremation.”

“But you should have let us view him first!”

“Why?  That’s not what HE wanted.  HE didn’t want people admiring the work of a mortician, talking about how peaceful HE looked.”

Lotus“But we wanted to see him again!”

“Too bad. Too little. Too late.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means HIS wishes trumped yours.”

“That’s not good enough.  How could you ignore what WE wanted?!

“I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Spell it out for me anyway.  I want to understand why you chose to disregard OUR wishes.”

“OK.  Here goes:  He called you. And called you. And called you. And YOU did not call back. YOU didn’t write. YOU didn’t visit. YOU ignored him while he was alive so I felt no need to accommodate YOUR egocentric desires once he died. HE asked to be cremated. I honored that request. Case closed.”

“But you had no right to cremate OUR brother!”

300px-Paradiso_Canto_31“Of course I did.  If I didn’t have the legal right to dispose of his remains, the funeral home would have refused my request.”

“That’s not what I meant! You should have called US to see what WE wanted.”

“I don’t see it that way. And, even if you could somehow convince me now, it’s too late.  It’s a done deal.  Deal with it.”

“He never should have married you!”

“But HE did.  And now he’s dead.  It’s a brand new day.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

When someone dies . . . should the wishes of the deceased trump the desires of the mourners?

Our Lady of Perpetual Displeasure January 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
46 comments

IMGP3881On a walk, uplifting thoughts fell on stone deaf ears.

Happiness comes first to those who are already smiling.

Blind to the good, Our Lady of Perpetual Displeasure mined a ponderous pile of grievances and gripes to regale with stale tales.

How refreshing the whinny of a pack horse fully unloaded! ~ Classic Haiku

Sometimes the teacher appears before the student is ready.

Aah . . . that’s better!

As shown by the parable of the Chinese Farmer, it pays to develop a “Maybe Mind”

 

 

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