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Seriously, Spam? December 7, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, People.
32 comments

While taking out the Cyber Trash this week, I stumbled upon this gem in my Spam Folder:

448px-Alice_05a-1116x1492Did you just create your new Facebook page? Do you want your page to look a little more “established”? I found a service that can help you with that.

They can send organic and 100% real likes and followers to your social pages and you can try before you buy with their free trial. Their service is completely safe and they send all likes to your page naturally and over time so nobody will suspect that you bought them.

The comment ended with a link to who-knows-where.

Unlike Alice, I didn’t wish to explore that particular rabbit hole.

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Well-Planned Retirement November 12, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
34 comments

From The London Times:

Donald-Duck-DrivingOutside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant …

The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Mickey-In-HammockMeanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to over $5 million dollars . . . and no one even knows his name.

Aah . . . That’s the ticket!

Source:  E-mail from Kate Crimmons (Thanks, Kate!)

Snopes reports that this Urban Legend is . . . False.  But a girl can dream, right?

Here Comes The Bride November 7, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Happiness, Home & Garden, People.
28 comments

I attended a bridal shower for my niece on Saturday.

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One of the games involved designing wedding gowns for a willing member of each team.

Team A got off to a terrific start using the only material provided . . .

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Rolls of cheap toilet paper . . .

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Racing against the clock, Team B took an entirely different approach to the challenge.

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Team C won the prize for chugging out of the station with the best train and bouquet.

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But the shower wasn’t all fun and games.

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The Bride-To-Be opened her shower gifts . . .

None of which had a thing to do with rain showers, summer showers, April showers, or taking a shower.

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After presents, she said, “Let them eat CAKE!”

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Chocolate cake.

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Accompanied by chocolate covered strawberries.

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And cups of chocolate mousse.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

 

 

Scotch Hopping Through A Hodge Podge October 29, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
37 comments

imgp2584bWhen stressed, I close my eyes and breathe in love and gratitude.

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Following my breath =  an instant antidote for dis-ease.

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Smiling a “small Buddha smile” allows me to watch the “what is” as it unfolds without getting attached to having things “my way.“

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My mantra (as detached observer) ~> Just Be.

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I try to “be friendly” with all our neighbors . . . even the ones I don’t want to “befriend.”

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I am never bored . . . except when stuck in the middle of a crowd of extroverts competing for attention.

Mickey-Dancing###

I guess certain behavior doesn’t Sitwell with me . . .

“I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it.” ~ Elizabeth Sitwell

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And, now, one last Hop Scotch or Scotch Hop through this Hodge Podge:

Mickey-OKOscar Wilde nailed the art of opposites . . . saying one thing to point in the opposite direction.

My favorite example:

I can resist everything except temptation.

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Fire And Rain October 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Mindfulness, People.
35 comments

At Bridge one afternoon, the fire alarm in the Church Hall went off.  I looked up from my cards to assess the situation.

Inside:  No flames.  No smoke.  Exit doors just steps away.

Outside:  A torrential downpour.  A real gully washer.  Thunder. Lightning.

220px-Lightning_striking_the_Eiffel_Tower_-_NOAA

After raising inquisitive eyes toward the blinking alarm box on the wall of the hall, no one moved from their seats.  Everyone seemed content to “wait and see” what the rest of the players planned to do.

The alarm rang out for about 30 seconds, then went silent.

After it stopped blaring, we issued a collective shrug and returned to playing cards, sensing it was a “false alarm” triggered by the staccato lightning strikes that had punctuated our play all afternoon.

Five minutes later, three burly firefighters in full regalia burst into the room.

They seemed as surprised by our presence as we were by their arrival.  After all, it’s not every day you see a dozen card players playing cards.

Regaining their composure, they strode across the floor and went straight to work checking the alarm boxes.

Glancing at the huddled trio, I sensed palpable displeasure that we hadn’t evacuated the building at the sounding of the alarm.  Waves of disapproval emanated from them.  They couldn’t understand why we were inside playing cards rather than huddled outside dodging raindrops and lightning bolts.

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Sure enough, as they turned to leave, one stopped to ask, “Did any of you hear the fire alarm go off?”

All nodded.  (Even those few who had left their hearing aids at home on their dressers.)

“And none of you exited the building?  You just kept playing cards?’

All nodded again.

Hearing no apology and sensing no sign of remorse, he turned from us in disgust and followed the other firefighters down the hall.

Figuring they had a handle on the situation, we returned our calm and concentrated attention to the cards in our hands.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Elementary, My Dear Watson! October 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Humor, People.
31 comments

Who’s the first literary character that springs to mind when you think Aquatics Safety?

Homer-Mexican

Dr. Jekyll / Mr. Hyde?
The Green Hornet?
Homer Simpson?
Tarzan?
Robinson Crusoe?

Hold that thought.

The other day we arrived at the beach for our walk and noticed a red and white striped pavilion-style tent on the beach, with a film crew bustling about.

We walked over to find out what they were filming and to ascertain whether they had all the necessary permits to film on the beach.

Not that I know which permits are necessary, but it never hurts to expand one’s base of knowledge.

Donald-DirectorThe director yelled, “CUT!”

Time for action.

I wandered over to ask what he was filming.

“Hi.  What are you filming?”

“A training video.”

My litigation background kicked in and stood me in good stead as I countered his rather terse response with a question designed to elicit additional scintillating details.

“What kind of training video?”

“Aquatics Safety.”

Deciding to expand my base of knowledge elsewhere, I scanned past the hustle and bustle of the film crew and noticed two actors sitting on the sidelines studying their lines.

Of course, at that distance, I couldn’t be certain they were looking over the script.  It could have been a Take Out Menu for lunch, but I suspected script.

Their distinctive dress was a dead giveaway.  In less time than it takes to flip off my flip flops, I deduced they’d been cast as the first literary duo that springs to mind whenever one considers the topic of Aquatics Safety . . .

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson!

What’s that?  You don’t see the glaringly obvious tie-in between Holmes, Watson, and Aquatics Safety?

Too bad.  I had hoped you could clue me in.

Anyway, BFF and I watched a take or two and then I got a chance to talk to Sherlock during a break in filming.

“Sherlock, you lucky dog!”

“Pardon?”

“I see you are garbed in a wool cloak, a woolen vest, wool trousers, and a deerstalker cap.”

“Quite right.”

“You will, of course, agree that that gabardine garb would be quite unbearable and, indeed, vastly uncomfortable, if the temperature here on the beach hovered in the mid- to upper-90’s . . . as it has for at least 98 of the past 100 days.”

“Agreed.”

“And I suspect you will also concur that, given the sudden recent shift in weather from the standard seasonal summer setting of “BLAZING HOT” to autumn’s vastly more reasonable”FUN IN THE SUN,” your gabardine get-up will NOT cause your get up and go to get up and go before the director’s done filming.”

“Quite so.”

“If you will permit me, I will go so far as to venture one further observation.  And that is this:  In light of the gorgeous cooling breeze blowing inland from the Gulf, you, despite your attire, will NOT perspire or expire from extreme heat exhaustion, no matter how many takes the director takes.”

“Indeed.”

“Ergo. Ipso. Facto.  E Pluribus Unum.  Quid Pro Quo.  Res Ipsa Loquitar.”

“Yes!  Yes!  Exactly right.  I see the reasoning of your logic and the logic of your reasoning.”

“I thought you might.”

“I am, indeed, one lucky dog.”

“Now, tell me old chap.  Just what do you and Watson have to do with Aquatics Safety?”

“Haven’t the foggiest.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Save Your Breath October 8, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, People, Travel & Leisure.
38 comments

Broccoli-Mocking-StewieSome/most of the stuff people piss and moan about “today” pales in comparison to the hardships endured by people trekking across the plains in covered wagons while gnawing on buffalo jerky.

Compared to the challenges endured during the Civil War and its aftermath, most of us have nothing to complain about.

And, yet, we persist . . .

We regale each other with nitty-gritty details of petty complaints in order to garner sympathy and attention for our insecure egos.

What a waste of time.

AirplaneNext time someone starts to complain about lost luggage or a missed flight connection or some other minor travel or traffic delay, I’m going to encourage them to change their perspective from feeling bad/sad/mad to glad.

How?

Easy.

Mickey-OKI’ll point out that the ability to gripe, groan, and grouse about an airline snaffu proves, unequivocally, that they did NOT crash land in the Rockies and get cannibalized by the flight crew.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  A Complaint Free Day (Cleveland Clinic Wellness) * Frankly My Dear (Before Morning Breaks)

Scrutinizing The Status Quo September 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
44 comments

Mickey-SurferAfter our morning beach walk, we stopped at the outdoor showers to wash the sand off our feet.

As we turned to leave, a barefoot and bare-chested man in his mid-50’s approached the showers.

He turned on the water, stepped into the spray, and pulled out the waistband of his swim trunks, creating a gap between his bare belly and his trunks.

He peered into the chasm as the water made its descent, scrutinizing the situation to ensure that his quo was status:

“Everything OK down there?”

“Yup.  Everything’s good.”

“Any shrinkage?”

“Some.  But we’ll bounce back.”

“Great.  Everyone present and accounted for?”

Mickey-OK“Yup.  All aboard.”

“Excellent.”

After taking stock of his nether regions, the man released the elastic waistband of his trunks, turned off the shower, and headed back to the beach.

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Two Hour Long Infomercial September 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Meditation, People.
47 comments

Mickey-DiverI tuned in for Craig Hamilton’s webinar on Tuesday night, fifteen minutes before the scheduled start time.

Lovely music played.  I focused on my breathing and relaxed into the Now.

Just going with the flow.

The music stopped.  And . . . NOTHING happened.

I refreshed the page and got a message saying that due to the vast numbers of unenlightened beings trying to listen in, the server had crashed.

No worries.

The what is, is.

Mickey-SurferI decided to look around his website.

Turns out he’s offering a 12-week course in Direct Enlightenment for $547!

That gleaned intel provided the only “A Ha!” moment of the evening.   Although, to be honest, it might have been more of a “Ha Ha” moment.

I tried again to join the webinar to see what he had to say.

Success!  (In a manner of speaking.)

I managed to grab a seat at 9:27 pm and listened to Craig speak in a hushed monotonous monochromatic monotone for the next 90 minutes.

It took him that long to say absolutely nothing.  Then say it again.

I was not impressed with the information he conveyed . . . or the hypnotic, sleep-inducing manner in which he conveyed it.

Mickey-LoungingBottom Line:  I’m not signing up to take his 12 week course for $547.

Sitting through one 2-hour infomercial was more than enough for me.

I think I’ve seen the light!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Restrain Your Self! September 10, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
33 comments

Wikipedia ~ Handcuffs (in Public Domain)

After a short but heated criminal  trial, the judge asked the defendant if he would like to say anything before the court passed sentence.

Nodding, the defendant jumped to his feet.

His attorney reached out to restrain him . . . to no avail.

Staring defiantly at the judge, the defendant grinned, “Yeah, I got somethin’ to say.”

As defense counsel cradled his head in his hands and prepared for the worst, the defendant smirked and said,  “Your honor, you’re a fat, four-eyed son-of-a-bitch!”

With that, the defendant sat down, a smug look of satisfaction on his face.

His attorney looked toward the judge, hoping the judge would have a sense of humor about the comment.

With a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth, the judge peered over his glasses at the defendant and drawled, “Well, I daresay you may be right about your first two observations . . .”

After pausing to remove and clean his glasses, the judge dropped the other shoe, “but that last comment is going to cost you an extra 90 days.”

“Defendant is hereby remanded to custody . . . ”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Self Restraint . . . you never know when it might save you some time.

Inspiration:  a joke I heard many moons ago