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Birthdays Are Good For You! July 14, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
17 comments

* About the only thing that comes to us without effort is old age.

* Looking fifty is great . . . if you’re sixty. ~ Joan Rivers

* Despite medical advances, there is still no cure for the common birthday.

* Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what the hell happened. ~ Cora Harvey Armstrong

Tigger-Pogo

* Birthdays are good for you ~ the more you have, the longer you live.

* A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman’s birthday, but never her age. ~ Robert Frost

* Old age isn’t so bad when you consider the alternative. ~ Maurice Chevalier

* If I’d known I was going to live this long, I’d have taken better care of myself. ~ Ubie Blake

Tigger-Bouncing

* Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

* A man who views the world at fifty the same as he did at twenty has wasted thirty years of his life. ~ Muhammad Ali

* No wise man ever wished to be younger. ~ Jonathan Swift

Aah . . . that’s better!

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Aging With Grace! July 13, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
10 comments

Happy Friday the 13th to you all!

And Happy Birthday to a Special Someone:

Aah . . . that’s better!

Turbo Encabulator June 16, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
17 comments

Here’s a tongue-twister for you:

To learn more:  TurboEncabulator

Aah . . . that’s better!

3 Italian Nuns June 2, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
18 comments

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven.

At the Pearly Gates, they are met by St. Peter. He says, “Sisters, you all led such exemplary lives that the Lord is granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you wish to be.

The first nun says, “I want to be Sophia Loren.”

*Poof* . . . she’s gone.

The second says, “I want to be Madonna.”

*Poof* . . . she’s gone.

The third says, “I want to be Alberta Pipalini.”

St. Peter looks perplexed. “Who ?”

“Alberta Pipalini,” replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head, “I’m sorry, but that name just doesn’t ring a bell.”

The nun takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter.  St. Peter reads the paper and hands it back to her with a grin, “Sorry, sister, you’ll have to choose someone else.  It was the ‘Alberta Pipeline’ that was laid by 1,400 men in 6 months, not Alberta Pipalini.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

What?  None of them wanted to come back as Ruth Bader Ginsburg?

U.S. Congressman’s Day! April 28, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
23 comments

While eating breakfast with my teen-aged granddaughter, I asked her, “Is tomorrow a special day?”

Without skipping a beat she said, “Yup.  It’s U.S. Congressman’s Day.”

“Really?  What’s that?”

“On U.S. Congressman’s Day, our elected representatives step out of the Capital Building . . . if they see their shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.”

You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Brilliant Text Message March 24, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke.
16 comments

“Mary, I’m just having one more pint with the lads . . .

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“. . . if I’m not home in 20 minutes read this message again.” ​

Aah . . . that’s perfect!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Nun And Some Warm Milk March 17, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
34 comments

In a convent in Ireland, the 98-year-old Mother Superior lay  dying.

The Nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her last journey comfortable.

They tried giving her warm milk to drink but she refused it.

One of the nuns took the glass back to the kitchen. Then, remembering a bottle of Irish Whiskey that had been received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, they held the glass to her lips.

The frail Nun drank a little, then a little more and before they knew it, she had finished the whole glass down to the last drop.

As her eyes brightened, the nuns thought it would be a good opportunity to have one last talk with their spiritual leader.

“Mother,” the nuns asked earnestly, “Please give us some of your wisdom before you leave us.”

She raised herself up in bed on one elbow, looked at them and said:

“DON’T SELL THAT COW.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

The Golf Genie March 10, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Magick & Mystery.
29 comments

When Steve took his wife Betty to play her first game of golf, she whacked her first shot through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course.

Betty gasped.  “Oh, Steve!  What do we do?”

Steve cringed.  “We’ve got to go up there, find the owner, apologize, and see how much that drive is going to cost us.”

They walked up to the house and knocked on the patio door.  A warm voice said, “Come on in.”

When Steve opened the door, they saw broken glass all over the place and a broken antique bottle lying on its side near the broken window.

A man reclining on the couch asked, “Are you the people that broke the window?”

Betty said, “Uh, yes, sir.  I’m really sorry about that.  It was my first time out and . . . ”

“No apology necessary.  I’ve been trapped in that bottle for over a thousand years.  Now that you’ve released me, I’m allowed to grant three wishes.  I’ll give you each one wish if you let me keep the last one for myself.  Deal?”

Steve grinned, “Wow!  I’d like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life.”

“You’ve got it.  And I’ll also guarantee you a long, healthy life!  And now you, young lady, what do you want?”

“I’d like to own a gorgeous home with servants . . . in every country in the world.”

“Consider it done.  And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary, and natural disasters!”

“Thanks!  By the way, I’m Betty.  And now, what’s your wish, genie?”

“Well, since I’ve been trapped in that bottle and haven’t been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with you.”

Betty gasped, “What if I say no?”

The genie shrugged and said, “Well, I guess your wishes won’t come true either.”

Betty mulled it over for a few moments and said, “You know, considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn’t mind having sex with a thousand-year-old genie.  What do you think, Steve?”

“OK by me, sweetheart.  If the roles were reversed, I’d do the same for you!”

So the genie and Betty went upstairs and spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other’s company.

After three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into Betty’s eyes and asked, “How old are you and your husband?”

“We’re both 35.”

“Wow!  Thirty-five and you still believe in genies?”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Charity Begins At Home March 3, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
28 comments

The largest Charitable Organization in the city realized it had never received a donation from the city’s most successful lawyer.

So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.  “Our research shows that, even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don’t give a penny to charity.”

When the attorney nods in acknowledgement, the volunteer asks, “Wouldn’t you like to give something back to your community?”

The lawyer answers the question with a question,  “First, did your research also reveal that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?”

Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, “Uh . . . no, I didn’t know that.”

“Second, did your research show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind, confined to a wheelchair, and unable to support his wife and six children?”

The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again.

“Third, did your research show you that my sister’s husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another who has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?”

The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, “I’m so sorry. I had no idea.”

“So,” the lawyer says, “if I didn’t give any money to them, what makes you think I’d give any to you?”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

 

Subject: What Gender??? February 24, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
31 comments

A Spanish Teacher was explaining to her class that, in Spanish, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine:

House is feminine ~ la casa.
Pencil is masculine ~ el lapiz.

A student asked, “What gender is computer?”

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer should be a masculine or a feminine noun.  Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The guys decided that computer must be feminine (“la computadora”) because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic.

2. The language they use to communicate with each other is incomprehensible.

3. Even small mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible retrieval.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you spend half your pay check on accessories for it.

Sure they had nailed it, the guys started passing around high-fives.

After the teacher restored order, the girls explained (using both internal logic and stellar communication skills) that the boys were mistaken.  Expanding upon their thesis, they concluded that computer must be masculine (“el computador”) because:

1. In order to do anything with one, you have to turn it on first.

2. They have a lot of data, but have to be told what to do.

3. They’re supposed to help solve problems, but often they ARE the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that . . . if you had waited just a little bit longer . . . you could have gotten a better model.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)