jump to navigation

Are You Quizzing Me?! June 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Joke.
29 comments

It’s interesting to see how desperate some writers are to have us click on posts, articles, and other flotsam and jetsam.

Often, the manufactured titles are downright insulting.

This week I received one of the stupidest quiz “opportunities” ever:

Which Frank Lloyd Wright Building Are You?

If you’ve ever wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes your personality, wonder no longer! This quiz is sure to dig deep into your psyche and pull out a connection you may be unaware you have with one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

I didn’t bother to take the quiz because . . .

(1) I am NOT a Frank Lloyd Wright building.

(2) I have never wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes my personality.

(3) I don’t need to dig deep into my psyche to pull out an imaginary connection to one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

But the quiz did serve a purpose ~> blog fodder!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Have you ever wondered if you are unaware of a connection your psyche has with a building?  A car?  A toaster?  A coffee maker?  A bridge?

Me neither.

How Malapropriate! June 10, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
38 comments

Sometimes mom has a tough time finding the right words to convey her sentiments, resulting in humorous lines along the lines of malapropisms, spoonerisms, or eggcorns.

By way of example, our parting conversation:

“Mom, we’re packing the car and plan to leave this morning.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. . . . (PAUSE) . . . Oh, I think that came out wrong.”

“I know, mom.”

Other times, she nails it!

Case in point:

Mom’s new neurologist, a doctor with LONG black hair cascading down her back, admonished mom to quit smoking, citing health reasons:  “You should quit smoking.  It would be healthier.”

Without missing a beat, mom replied:  “You should cut your hair.  It would look more professional.”

Lecture over!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Fun With Words ~ Medical Mixups June 3, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
26 comments

On the last vocabulary test of the year, Edna Krabappel received a slew of creative responses from students eager to start summer break:

Artery ~ A shop that sells paintings

Barium ~ What to do when someone dies

Benign ~ What you be, after you be eight

Cat scan ~ Making a quick search under the furniture for kitty

Cauterize ~ Made eye contact with her

Coma ~ A punctuation mark

Dilate ~ To live longer than expected

Enema ~ Not a friend

Fester ~ Quicker than someone else

Impotent ~ Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain ~ Getting hurt at work

Morbid ~ A higher offer

Nitrates~ Rates of Pay for Working at Night

Node ~ I knew it

Outpatient ~ A person who has fainted

Post Operative ~ A letter carrier

Recovery Room ~ Place to do upholstery

Rectum ~ Nearly killed him

Secretion ~ Hiding something

Seizure ~ Roman Emperor

Tablet ~ A small table

Urine ~ Opposite of you’re out

Edna understood her students’ excitement and shared their eagerness for a L~O~N~G summer break.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

When You Wish . . . Watch Out! May 27, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
29 comments

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and  *poof!* two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:  “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and *poof!* the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Newspapers: Who Reads ‘Em? May 6, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate:

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country AND who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

7. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people in prison who used to run the state and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but like to review the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Fun With Words ~ Pronunciation Variations April 29, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
30 comments

Lumpus-MooseLearning to speak English is not intuitive.

Words spelled the same are often pronounced differently, and words spelled differently often share a common pronunciation.

Sound, bound, wound . . . but tuned, wound, swooned.

It’s hard to learn to read when we’re told, “just sound it out,” and the sounds are ever shifting . . . even for words spelled exactly the same:

1) The doctor wound the bandage around the wound.

2) The farmer used most of his acreage to produce produce.

3) The overflowing dump had to refuse to accept more refuse.

4) Each week, we polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead the way if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) There is no time like the present to present a present.

8 ) At the Army base, they painted a bass on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) Invalid insurance will do the invalid no good.

12) The oarsmen had a row about how to row.

13) I won!  I am number one!

No matter how long we wonder and ponder, the pronunciation variations of the English language are apt to remain a mystery.

It’s why we love to write . . . right?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Feel free to share a few of your favorite English language idiosyncracies below!

Penis van Lesbian April 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, People.
22 comments

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian.”

“Sir, in order to get into Hollywood, you will have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!!”

The agent said, “I’ve worked in Hollywood for years.  You’ll NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! For sure you’ll HAVE to change your name or I won’t represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we won’t do business together!”

Five years later, the agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a check for $25,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $25,000?

He reads the enclosed letter . . .

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent who quickly signed me with Walt Disney for a number of movies which have been very lucrative.

You were right.  I never would have made it without changing my name.

Thank you for your advice and please accept the enclosed check as a token of my appreciation.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

HaHa . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Medicare Part G April 8, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
21 comments

If you are a senior senior citizen who needs Long-Term Care, but Medicare says there is no Nursing Home bed for you, what do you do?

Opt for Medicare Part G!

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a Gun (the “G” Part!) and one bullet. To qualify for Part G benefits, shoot one worthless politician.

The higher up the ladder the better.

After you are convicted, you will be sent to prison “for life” where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, a gym, and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? New glasses?  A new hearing aid?
No problem.  They are all covered.

As an added bonus, when your kids and grandkids come and visit, you no longer need to cook, clean, or do laundry for them!

Better still ~> because you are a prisoner, you won’t have to pay any more income taxes!

Tax day . . . Schmacks day!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

Is this a great country or what?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, go enjoy the weekend!

The Dog, the Parrot, and the Repairman April 1, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
33 comments

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike.  He won’t bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda ‘s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”

See . . . some men just don’t listen!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Replacing Obamacare March 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
39 comments

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump’s proposed health care package to replace Obamacare:

The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, and the neurologists thought the administration has a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The psychiatrists thought the idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons opined that Trump’s proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought a new plan would be a gas, and those lofty cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists pointed out that, for now, the entire decision is in the hands of those assholes in Washington.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)