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A Quick Quip September 29, 2021

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
15 comments

There was a great quote on JoyRoses blog yesterday:

If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself, just say:

“He obviously does not know me very well since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.” 

Aah. . . that’s better!

What An Endorsement! May 1, 2021

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
29 comments

A man died and at his funeral the priest asked if anyone would share some words about the deceased. Nobody came forward.

Moments went by and still nobody came forward.

Finally someone came up and said, “His brother was worse.”

Aah . . . what an endorsement!

Dr. Fauci’s House Call December 25, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Poetry.
17 comments

By Kevin A. Wilson (with apologies to Clement Clarke Moore)

‘Twas some days before Christmas—how many I’m not sure
(The days ran together; everything was a blur).
All the houses were locked down from COVID-19,
With everyone wishing for the promised vaccine.

The children were nestled and sleeping just fine.
They were all tuckered out from their classes online.
And mamma in her kerchief and I in my cap
Had just sanitized our hands and hung up our masks

The year had been hard. We were due a vacation
But the thing wanted most? Emergency use authorization
Then out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I assumed it was another 2020 disaster.

I ran to the window and put on my mask,
But what would I see? I was too scared to ask.
The neighbors were quiet and socially distant,
Awaiting the time they’d be COVID resistant.

But despite travel bans, there then did appear
A miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.
But this wasn’t Santa. His gut wasn’t paunchy.
It was the trusted presence of Anthony Fauci.

More rapid than eagles, at warp speed they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name:
“Now Pfizer! Now Sanofi! Now Johnson & Johnson!
“On Moderna! On BioNTech! On Adaptive and Amgen!
To the top of the porch! To the top of the wall!
Now vaccinate, vaccinate, vaccinate all!”

As a virus expelled by a cough or a sneeze
When it meets plexiglass rises up on the breeze;
So up to the house-top the pharma all flew,
With the sleigh full of hope, and Dr. Fauci, too.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
As I drew in my head, and was turning around,
Down the chimney Fauci came with a bound.

He was dressed in a suit, as was always his way,
And his neatly cut hair was a smart silver-grey.
A chart in one hand, a syringe in the other,
And a medical bag—a gift from his mother.

The wisdom in his eyes and the knowledge in his head
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread.
With his reassuring smile covered up with a mask,
His no-nonsense style led him straight to the task.

He sprung to my side as I rolled up my sleeve,
And he stuck in the vaccine as quick as you please.
He flew to the bedroom, gave mamma a shot,
Then vaxxed both our kids without waking them up.

Inoculations complete, he returned to the chimney,
And gave me a pamphlet about what he put in me.
Then raising his finger but not touching his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose.

“C’mon, team!” he said. “We’ve a great opportunity.
If we vaccinate more we can reach herd immunity!”
Then he yelled back to me, as the sleigh quickly rose,
“I’ll be back in a fortnight for the follow-up dose.”

Aah . . . that’s the ticket!

Christmas Trivia December 11, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke.
16 comments

What is the most popular Christmas dinner in Japan?

A: Kentucky Fried Chicken!  To celebrate Christmas, an estimated 3.6 million Japanese families treat themselves to Kentucky Fried Chicken. Some KFC locations feature Colonel Sanders dressed as Santa Claus.

What country celebrates Christmas with the Feast of the Seven Fishes?

A: Italy

What’s for dinner in Norway? 

A: If you don’t know what to expect from a typical Norwegian Christmas dinner, then you might be a bit surprised. One typical food that is a Christmas mainstay is Smalahove, a whole, steamed sheep’s head. 

(Um . . . no.  Just no.)

What country enjoys “shrimp on the barbie” for Christmas? 

A: Australia. It’s summer down under so Australians usually enjoy “shrimp on the barbie,” grilled shrimp made on the barbecue.

What’s on the Christmas menu in Greenland? 

A: Whale meat & Reindeer meat.

(Ho~Ho~Ho . . . No, No, No!)

What country celebrates with a Christmas pickle? 

A: Germany. The night before Christmas an ornament shaped like a pickle is hung in the tree secretly. On Christmas morning, the first to find it gets a special gift or surprise.

(A whole jar of pickles!)

How do Hungarians celebrate Christmas? 

A: Christmas Eve (‘Szent-este’ which means Holy Evening) is very important. People spend the evening with their family and decorate the Christmas Tree.

What’s for Christmas dessert in Denmark? 

A: Ris á la mande, Danish rice pudding, a cold rice pudding with whipped cream, vanilla, almonds, and a hot cherry sauce. Whoever finds the peeled almond hidden in the dessert bowl gets a present.

What’s for dessert in France? 

A: The biggest treat for Noel is the Bûche de Noël, the French version of a Yule Log (a rich cake often decorated with tiny treats made to look like items found in a forrest).

What are other names for Santa Claus?

A: Father Christmas, Saint Nicholas, Saint Nick, Kris Kringle, Santa, Père Noël, Sinterklaas

How old is Santa Claus? 

A: (I hope you’re sitting down.)

The quick answer is Santa Claus is 1,749 years old (quite young for an elf!)

Can you name the Three Wise Men?

A: Nope, not Larry, Curly, and Moe

Balthasar of Arabia, Melchior of Persia, & Gaspar of India.

Why gold, frankincense and myrrh?

A: Gold was valuable as currency. Frankincense is a valuable perfume. Myrrh is a precious ointment often used for burial rituals.

How do Scots celebrate Hogmanay? 

A: The “first footer” brings a lump of coal to place on the host’s fire, along with shortbread, a black bun and whisky to toast to a Happy New Year.  Shortbread & whisky will suffice. Showing up empty handed is not only very rude but also bad luck!

Scots + Scotch = Perfect Together!

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Christmas Chuckles December 7, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
14 comments

Q: What’s St. Nicholas’s favorite measurement in the metric system?

A: The Santameter!

Q: What does Santa suffer from if he gets stuck in a chimney?

A: Claus-trophobia!

Q: Which of Santa’s reindeer has the worst manners? 

A: RUDE-olph, of course!

Q: What kind of Christmas music do elves like? 

A: “Wrap” music

Q: Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

A: He was picking his nose!

Q: What do you call a snowman with a six pack? 

A: An abdominal snowman

Q: What do they sing at a snowman’s birthday party?

A: Freeze a jolly good fellow!

Q: How many letters are in the Christmas alphabet?

A: Only 25, there’s no L!

Q: What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

A: Tinsilitis!

Q: What’s the difference between Santa Claus and a knight?

A: One slays a dragon, the other drags a sleigh!

Q: What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

A: Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

HO! HO! HO!   MERRY CHRISTMAS!

A Few Quick Quips December 3, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Art & Photography, Humor, Joke, Word Play.
14 comments

While “window shopping” from home (i.e., leafing through catalogs), I came across some fun t-shirts, emblazoned with quick quips.

Here’s a few:

1.  “Tomorrow.  A mythical land where everything I need to do is done.”

2.  “EARTH without ART is just EH.”

Yup.  Sometimes a picture is worth a boatload of words!

3. “If the Earth was flat, cats would have pushed everything off it by now.”

4. “My kid reminds me of myself at that age.  Well played, Karma.  Well played.”

Karma = the reason I did not dare to have kids.

5. “Self-Employed.  I’m not talking to myself . . . I’m in a staff meeting.”

6. The One-Star Review 2020 Shirt . . .

7. “People who wonder if the glass if half empty or half full miss the point . . .


“The glass is refillable.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

To purchase these and other delights: Visit ShopPBS.org

You heard me.  Visit ShopPBS.org

 

Baby, It’s COLD! December 1, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
14 comments

Two days ago, I hiked the beach in shorts and flip flops.

Building Santas in the sand!

Yesterday, it rained all day, punctuated by bursts of breeze.

Today, I’m a Chilly Pepper, all wrapped up with no place to go.

Of course, when I stay inside . . . I can go mask less!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Wait! . . . What About The Pandemic?! November 13, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke, Mindfulness.
30 comments

I just received this holiday missive in my in box from Visit Orlando:

Florida Residents – Don’t Skip These Savings!

It’s holiday season in Orlando!

Come share in the holiday spirit in Orlando’s world-famous theme parks and resort hotels as they dazzle with jubilant cheer along with miles of garland and twinkling lights.

Holiday traditions and joyful celebrations transform Orlando — Theme Park Capital of the World ® — into a magical wonderland guaranteed to have your family singing “fa-la-la-la” all the way home.

Celebrate the holiday season with our list of events, parades and lights, including several options at low or no cost, or included with theme park admission.

Because the holidays are a joyous time — and no destination is more joyous than Orlando.

No mention of Covid-19.

No mention of the rising case load and overcrowded hospitals.

No mention of asymptomatic health care workers who’ve tested positive for Covid being kept in the rotation to treat patients.

No mention of masks or social distancing or pandemic precautions.

WTF?!

Are “miles of garland and twinkling lights” enough to entice Covidiots to ignore the experts and put their lives on the line in order to stand in line?

Oh, wait . . .

My mistake.

It’s a “magical wonderland” . . . I guess that means that Cinderella’s fairy godmother waves her magic wand and eradicates the virus from all and sundry entering the theme parks.

Fa-La-La-La-La!

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Oh Schadenfreude! November 7, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
28 comments

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

How lovely are thy branches

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

How do you entrance us

You make us laugh

Each time he frowns

We’re thrilled that he

Won’t be around

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

Oh Schadenfreude . . .

Our wish came true for Christmas.

Merriam-Webster dictionary sees huge spike in 'schadenfreude' search

Aah . . . that’s better!

While We Wait . . . A Few Laughs! November 7, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke.
12 comments

I love this . . .

Spoiler alert . . . Trump supporters won’t find it as funny as I do.

Too bad.

Maybe we are finally ready to “Make America Great” again!

Without Trump trumpeting tyrannical tweets from the White House.

1/10/21 ~> Since we lost the YouTube clip, I’ll insert my own 6-word joke here:

Trump’s tweets?

Quothe Twitter, never more!

Aah . . . that’s better!