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Have You Ever Wondered Why . . . October 14, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
25 comments

Have you ever wondered why:

We never see the headline “Psychic Wins  Lottery.”

We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our  useless junk in the garage.

“Abbreviated” is such a long word.

A house burns up as it burns down.

We fill in a form by filling it out.

Doctors and lawyers charge so much when they’re just “practicing.”

We call our investment advisor a “broker.”

The sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin.

We make bottled lemon juice with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid with real lemons.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

We called it Con-gress, and not Pro-gress.

Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the  counters.

People recite at a play and play at a recital.

We ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

People order a Double Whopper, Biggie Fries, and . . . a Diet Coke.

Quicksand works so slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

We call the time of day with the slowest traffic “rush  hour.”

A slim chance and a fat chance are the same thing, but a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.

They sterilize the needle for lethal injections.

Drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store to  get prescriptions filled while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Apartments are all stuck together.

Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes.

Sheep don’t shrink when it rains.

We don’t make planes out of the stuff they use to make the indestructible black box.

An alarm goes off by going on.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration: two e-mails from unknown authors.

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Only Your Tailor Knows For Sure . . . October 7, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
18 comments

Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine; the pressure causes one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is castration.”

Shocked and horrified, Joe left the doctor’s office agreeing to think it over.  In the end, he decided to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the proprietor, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

Joe grinned, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a
new shirt?”

Joe nodded. “Sure.”

The tailor eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

“Right again! How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt ~> another perfect fit!   The tailor then asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe said, “Sure.  Let’s do the whole thing . . . from soup to nuts!”

The tailor eyed him up and down and said, “OK ~> size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor immediately shook his head, “Nope.  You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Aah . . . only your tailor knows for sure!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Hey Siri . . . September 30, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

As our increasingly sophisticated tech gadgets remember more about our lives than we do, I imagine this type of conversation occurring with increasing frequency:

“Siri, what did I have for breakfast today?”

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You skipped breakfast. Your mother wonders where she went wrong.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Today is Mom’s Birth Day . . . she would have been 88!

Happy Birthday, Mom ~ I remembered to have a good breakfast!

Attention: PLEASE! September 23, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
33 comments

Please . . . I repeat . . . PLEASE!

DO NOT USE the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 or $100 bills in your possession as they have pictures of former slave owners on them!

Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!!!

I repeat, do not just throw them away!

They need to be disposed of properly and I am Certified to do so.

Thanks.

Aah . . . that’s rich!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Sense of Humor is Key to Recovery! September 16, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance.
26 comments

When life is lobbing lemons your way and you don’t have the time to stop what you’re doing to make lemonade . . . LAUGH!  Finding something to smile or laugh about alleviates anxiety.

We just watched a segment on Bay News 9 which featured a psychologist who took her own advice during the approach, arrival, and retreat of Hurricane Irma.

“We have no control over the path of a hurricane as just seen with Irma who dodged east, then west, then east, then west.  We do have control over our attitude.”

She also urged folks who are wrestling with the emotional strain of the past few days to seek out and talk to friends, relatives, or therapists to regain perspective.

During the storm, I made an effort to maintain my sense of humor because going through life without a sense humor is like driving over potholes and boulders without shock absorbers.

It’s jolting!

Instead of being jolted around, joke around.

Crack silly jokes.  Even if the humor is childish.  Or not entirely PC.

A few examples . . .

BS was reading a book about Spencer Tracy’s love interests and love affairs with stars and starlets.  BS said he didn’t divorce his wife to marry Katharine Hepburn “because he was a good Catholic.”  I burst out loud laughing at her sum up of his character and offered a counter-point to her point:

Spencer Tracy was NOT a good Catholic.  Had he been a good Catholic, he wouldn’t have engaged in affairs.  Like other hypocrites, he just wanted to be perceived by others as being a good Catholic.

During the height of the storm, one of the reporters was talking about how they retire storm names.  I noted:

With global warming increasing, we may run out of all the easy names (e.g., Harvey, Irma, Jose).  

If we do, we’ll have to become increasingly creative with storm names (e.g., Yawanda, Chavonda, Chewbacca, etc.) 

I always feel better after a good hearty laugh.  How about you???

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

The Parrot September 9, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

Kate went to a pet shop and spotted a large, beautiful parrot.

The sign on the cage said $20.00.

“Why so little?” she asked the pet store owner.

“This bird used to live in a house of prostitution, and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.”

Kate thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird anyway.  She took it home and hung the bird’s cage in her living room.

The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, “New house, new madam.”

Kate was taken aback at the implication, but then shrugged. “That’s really not so bad.”

When her two teenage daughters returned from school, the bird saw them and said, “New house, new madam, new girls.”

Kate and her daughters burst out laughing at the parrot’s unfiltered utterance.

A few minutes later, Kate’s husband Dave came home from work.

The bird looked at him and said, “Hi Dave.”

Aah . . . that’s tricky!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Caller ID September 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, Life Balance.
49 comments

Is this where we are headed?  

Is this our future?

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir – it’s Google Pizza.”

“I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.”

“No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.”

“OK. I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual?  Do you know me?”

“According to our Caller ID Data Sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

“Yeah, sure, that’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?”

“What? I detest vegetables.  Just give me my usual.”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“I don’t care. I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!! I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!!”

“I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.”

Aah . . . that’s better?

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Rye Bread August 5, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
17 comments

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

Amazed at the guy’s stamina, the 80-year-old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies. You’ll feel like you’re 40 again!”

On the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.  He nodded, “Do you have any Jewish rye bread?”

“Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?”

“Yes . . . I want five loaves.”

“My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”

“Man, I can’t believe it.  Everybody knows about this trick but me.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Fly In The Ointment July 29, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

As the bus stopped, Carla became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.  Once again, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

At this point, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked Carla up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

Carla went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Interesting Observations About Balls July 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
21 comments

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)