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Not Sure Where To Retire? September 15, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance.
13 comments

Not sure where to retire?

Let the stars be your guide:

The City You Should Retire in Based on your Zodiac Sign

Well, I’ll be jiggered . . .

Who knew that retirement planning should include consultation with an astrologer as well as a financial planner?

Not me.

While I often find horoscopes amusing and entertaining, I have never made a major change in the trajectory of my life based upon a daily, weekly, or monthly horoscope.

But there is a first time for everything, right?

If not now, then when?

Caveat:  I have no idea whether your astrology sign will align with the stars’ prediction of a perfect retirement spot for your given predilections, but this article suggests that my decision to retire to the Gulf Coast of Florida was the right move for me.

More specifically, the article encourages those of us born under the sign of Cancer to consider Boca Raton, Florida:

baco raton
iStock / 6381380

Forget what everyone says about you being too emotional or dramatic, Cancer. You’re actually one of the more laid-back signs of the zodiac and have a natural ability to adapt to every phase of life. When it comes to choosing the perfect retirement spot, all you need is a view of the ocean, some nice weather, and delicious food. If spending your golden years reading romance novels on the beach sounds like a dream come true, Boca Raton is the place for you. The laidback Florida city has a go-with-the-flow social scene that’s sure to hit just the right note.

Even though I don’t live in Boca Raton, Sarasota and the surrounding area offers many of the same amenities ~ ocean views, lovely weather, delicious food, and excellent libraries for Beach Reads!

So that’s the good news ~ I located to the best retirement destination for me.

Huzzah!

Now for the bad news:

BFF is a Scorpio and the Stars are sending him to South America.

I hope our long distance romance survives the separation.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Goats Have The Right Idea September 11, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
24 comments

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and as my life flashed before my eyes, I thought, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

***

I don’t want to adult anymore.  I don’t even want to human.  I want to goat.

No, not gloat . . . goat.

I want to eat all day and head butt anyone who annoys me.

***

Brain:  I can see you’re trying to sleep.

Can I offer you a selection of your worst memories from the last 20 years?

***

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.

That’s the first thing we learned in Home Economics.

***

People will stop asking you stupid questions if you answer back in interpretive dance.

You can thank me later.

***

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Every think about that?

***

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I told him, “I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in a decorative bowl seems really classy.”

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***

My kids laugh because they think I’m crazy.  I laugh because it’s apt to be hereditary.

catlady

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

Keeping Up With Technology September 9, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
15 comments

Remember the Good Old Days, when you would take a photo of your dinner, mail the film in for processing (after you finished the whole roll), wait for the photos to be developed, and then run around to all your friends’ homes to show them photos of what you had for dinner?

No.

Me neither.

***

Have you ever been in parking lot watching someone haplessly look for their car because they didn’t pay attention to where they parked it? Want to have a little fun with them?

Every time you see them hoist the key fob into the air, honk your horn and flash your lights.

***

Aren’t you glad you were young and stupid BEFORE there were camera phones?

***

I like to make lists.  On paper.  I also like to leave them on my desk so that I can guess what’s on the list when I get to the store.

Fun game.

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***

I don’t know how to use TikTok . . . but I do know how to write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Image result for we're all here because we're not all there

***

You think you know stress.  When I was a kid, if you missed your favorite TV program, you just missed it.

Forever.

***

These days, we have SMART phones, SMART TVs, SMART refrigerators, SMART thermostats, but our smoke detectors are still dumb.

We need a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell:

I’m Just Cooking!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

Signs of Fall September 2, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
29 comments

We have a white board outside the clubhouse for announcements of interest (or words of encouragement) to the human residents of PBC.

If the birds, the coyotes, the otters, the occasional gator, the raccoons, and the squirrels ever stop to admire Frank’s handiwork, their admiration has taken place without notice by me.

Of course, that’s understandable since there is much I miss these days.

 

Anyway, getting back to the Signs of Fall . . .

On August 31st, we went for our evening bike ride immediately after answering ALL of the questions on Jeopardy.  (And we even got a few answers correct!)

When we reached the clubhouse, the board was blank.  WHAT?  OMG!

We were astonished because the board is never blank.  It may be out-dated, stale, redundant, repetitive, or irrelevant, but it is NEVER blank.

Hmmm . . .

This is one for the record books . . . Frank must have drawn a Blank!

Perhaps he fell down on the job . . .

And came up with nothing!

Perhaps he has a bad case of the grumps . . .

Or he’s lost in a perpetual swirling fog . . .

Or worse.

What if he’s got a bad case of dreaded writer’s block!

Relax.  Breathe.  Free Write.  Repeat.

The next morning, which happened to be September 1st, I biked up to the clubhouse for water aerobics.

As I swung into the parking lot, I saw that the board had been dressed at some point during the last twelve hours.

I breathed a sign of relief.

No longer naked, the board intoned:

MAKE IT A SEPTEMBER TO REMEMBER

How’s that for a Sign of Fall?

How will YOU make it a September to remember?

Do tell . . . I want to steal some of your ideas!

In the meantime . . .

Aah . . . that’s better!

Lawyer Jokes Never Get Old August 13, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
31 comments

Lawyer jokes have been around for eons ~ some date way way back to the works of Shakespeare.

The reason lawyer jokes have staying power is because they are FUNNY.

Forsooth, it’s fun to make fun of attorneys.

Especially the staid and stuffy ones.  And the paunchy pompous ones.  And the . . .

In truth, even attorneys enjoy poking fun at attorneys.

And that’s why lawyer jokes never get old.

First off, despite what “they” say, some questions ARE stupid:

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Witness: “Guess.”

* * *

Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

* * *

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?

Sometimes questions require a bit of clarification . . . in order to avoid speculation:

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

* * *

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

But let us not forget that attorneys are not the only vehicle for levity in the legal arena.

Some defendants aren’t too bright either:

Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

* * *

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

* * *

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”

As every litigator knows, you win some, you lose some:

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

* * *

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought—until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

* * *

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”

“No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

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Even Voir Dire (the jury selection process) can offer up moments of levity:

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defence attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theatre,” I responded.

“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defence attorney quipped.

“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Happy Easter April 17, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

Here comes Peter Cottontail . . .

And Fast Eddy the Easter Frog . . .

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Hopping down the bunny trail . . .

Hippity Happily Easter’s on its way . . .

Just remember, Easter’s not all about bunnies and baskets

It’s also about The Resurrection.

Which is NOT something you want to try at home by playing possum . . .

Unless you want to end up in a line up with a bunch of peeps after being charged with DUI!

Or worse!

P.S.  No chocolate was harmed in the posting of this post!

 

How To Get To Carnegie Hall February 27, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Joke, Magick & Mystery, Music & Dance.
22 comments

There’s an old vaudeville joke you may have heard:

“How do I get to Carnegie Hall?”

“Practice – Practice – Practice”

So true!

Of course, being a child prodigy who loves music helps . . .

“Music brings me happiness and I want to bring the audience happiness.”

Aah . . . that’s amazing!

If The Stepford Wives Had Kids . . . December 12, 2021

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, Life Balance.
14 comments

Don’t waste your money on expensive tech toys for Stepford Kids . . .

explore the gift shop

Just give them a snow globe to share!

Aah . . . that’s the ticket!

And Now For Something Really Scary October 31, 2021

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
16 comments

In honor of the hallowed holiday of Halloween and All Hallow’s Eve, please enjoy some scary and spine-tingling sights encountered on our recent Tallahassee trip.

First up, imagine Ron Weasley meeting this Beastie in the Forbidden Forest ~ he’d be as petrified as he would be on encountering a dementor.

Like this one.

Here’s an eye-opener from our morning stroll at Goodwood Museum and Gardens ~> what’s left of the Greenhouse after howling hurricane force winds stripped it bare back in 1985.

You would think they’d have managed to tidy up after 36 years.  Just saying.

But the scariest sight by far?  Scarier than ghosts and ghouls and goblins . . . and things that go bump in the night?

A truly frightening sight?

Three determined Girl Scouts selling Girl Scout cookies who refused to accept “NO” at face value.

Have a Spook-tacular Halloween!

A Quick Quip September 29, 2021

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
15 comments

There was a great quote on JoyRoses blog yesterday:

If you hear that someone is speaking ill of you, instead of trying to defend yourself, just say:

“He obviously does not know me very well since there are so many other faults he could have mentioned.” 

Aah. . . that’s better!