jump to navigation

Penis van Lesbian April 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, People.
20 comments

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian.”

“Sir, in order to get into Hollywood, you will have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!!”

The agent said, “I’ve worked in Hollywood for years.  You’ll NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! For sure you’ll HAVE to change your name or I won’t represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we won’t do business together!”

Five years later, the agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a check for $25,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $25,000?

He reads the enclosed letter . . .

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent who quickly signed me with Walt Disney for a number of movies which have been very lucrative.

You were right.  I never would have made it without changing my name.

Thank you for your advice and please accept the enclosed check as a token of my appreciation.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

HaHa . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Medicare Part G April 8, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
21 comments

If you are a senior senior citizen who needs Long-Term Care, but Medicare says there is no Nursing Home bed for you, what do you do?

Opt for Medicare Part G!

The plan gives anyone 75 or older a Gun (the “G” Part!) and one bullet. To qualify for Part G benefits, shoot one worthless politician.

The higher up the ladder the better.

After you are convicted, you will be sent to prison “for life” where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, a gym, and all the health care you need.

Need new teeth? New glasses?  A new hearing aid?
No problem.  They are all covered.

As an added bonus, when your kids and grandkids come and visit, you no longer need to cook, clean, or do laundry for them!

Better still ~> because you are a prisoner, you won’t have to pay any more income taxes!

Tax day . . . Schmacks day!

And, who will be paying for all of this?

The same government that can’t afford for you to go into a nursing home.

Is this a great country or what?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Now that you have solved your senior Long-Term Care problem, go enjoy the weekend!

The Dog, the Parrot, and the Repairman April 1, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
33 comments

Wanda’s dishwasher quit working so she called in a repairman.  Since she had to go to work the next day, she told the repairman, “I’ll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll mail you a cheque.”

“Oh, by the way don’t worry about my dog Spike.  He won’t bother you.  But, whatever you do, do NOT, under ANY circumstances, talk to my parrot!”

“I MUST STRESS TO YOU: DO NOT TALK TO MY PARROT!!!”

When the repairman arrived at Wanda ‘s apartment the following day, he discovered the biggest, meanest looking dog he has ever seen.

But, just as she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet watching the repairman go about his work.

The parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing and name calling.

Finally the repairman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you stupid, ugly bird!”

To which the parrot replied, “Get him Spike!”

See . . . some men just don’t listen!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Replacing Obamacare March 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
39 comments

The American Medical Association has weighed in on Trump’s proposed health care package to replace Obamacare:

The allergists were in favor of scratching it, but the dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The gastroenterologists had sort of a gut feeling about it, and the neurologists thought the administration has a lot of nerve.

Meanwhile, obstetricians felt certain everyone was laboring under a misconception, while the ophthalmologists considered the idea shortsighted.

Pathologists yelled, “Over my dead body!” while the pediatricians said, “Oh, grow up!”

The psychiatrists thought the idea was madness, while the radiologists could see right through it.

Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing, and the internists claimed it would indeed be a bitter pill to swallow.

The plastic surgeons opined that Trump’s proposal would “put a whole new face on the matter.”

The podiatrists thought it was a step forward, but the urologists were pissed off at the whole idea.

Anesthesiologists thought a new plan would be a gas, and those lofty cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no.

In the end, the proctologists pointed out that, for now, the entire decision is in the hands of those assholes in Washington.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

5 Easy Ways To Make Yourself Miserable March 18, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, People.
50 comments

Don’t worry . . . even for novices, misery can be attained with these 5 easy tips and techniques!

1.  Cling to Entitlement.  Life owes YOU.

2.  It’s ALL personal.  Ignore nothing and always assume malicious intent.

3.  Focus on problems.  Keep track of all your problems and constantly review them.

4.  Magnify.  Don’t cheat yourself out of misery by maintaining perspective.  All that negativity will eventually become your reality.

5.   Just say “No Thanks” to Gratitude.  Focus on all the ways life disappoints you and keep them in the forefront of your mind.  Discount anything that is going well in your life.

And remember . . . Misery LOVES company.

The more you share yours with others . . . the more you’ll wind up having!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Some Alarming News! March 15, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
26 comments

We saw the most bizarre segment on the news the other night.

The reporter, standing in the middle of the beach, surrounding by turquoise waters, blue skies, and swaying palms, was SCREAMING into her microphone:

AUTHORITIES IN THE AREA ARE ON HIGH ALERT.

SPRING BREAK FOR COLLEGES STARTS THIS WEEK.

In a futile effort to prove her point that disaster was afoot, she proceeded to interview a few folks relaxing on the beach who seemed NOT to be on high alert.

They was just chilling!

Next, she interviewed a spokeswoman for Visit Sarasota who also seemed Far Too Calm for the impending disaster looming on the horizon as she explained that rooms at the inn are far and few between from mid-February to mid-March . . . and also for Easter week.

The reporter got a bit more fodder from a police officer who explained that some spring breakers consume too much alcohol and do things they oughtn’t.

At which point, the segment swung back to the reporter SCREAMING into her microphone:

AUTHORITIES IN THE AREA ARE ON HIGH ALERT.

SPRING BREAK FOR COLLEGES STARTS THIS WEEK.

She reminded me of Chicken Little!

But as we looked around, we saw no evidence that the sky was falling.

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

 

That’s No Lurker . . . That’s BFF! March 4, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
20 comments

Goofy-Riding-A-BikeOne morning, as I chatted with a neighbor in the parking lot after water aerobics, BFF pedaled slowly around the lot waiting for me to stop talking and hop on my bike to head home.

After his 3rd or 4th circuit, I waved him over, “Donna, have you met my husband, BFF, before?”

She hadn’t.

But, instead of greeting him, Donna laughed out loud. “OMG!  He’s your husband.  I thought he was a lurker!”

Amid a chorus of giggles, I started singing ~> “Lurk.  Lurk.  Lurk.  They call him a lurker.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

A $50 Lesson February 18, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
27 comments

Sally-BrownRecently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.

“If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents, staunch Democrats, beamed with pride!

Donald-Duck-Baseball“Wow . . . what a worthy goal!” I said.  “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”

“What do you mean?” she replied.

“If you come here and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use to buy food.”

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsShe thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and said, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over here and do the work, and you can pay him the $50?”

I nodded.  “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.

Aah . . . that’s better!

         Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Four Husbands February 4, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
41 comments

Groom-&-Bride-catsThe local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“What did your first three husbands do for a living?”

A smile came to her face and she said, “I married a banker in my 20’s, a circus ringmaster in my 40’s, a preacher in my 60’s, and now – in my 80’s – a funeral director!”

Mickey-and-Minnie-kiss“Wow . . . four men with such diverse careers.  How interesting.”

She nodded and grinned, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Larissa . . . Stop Following Me! February 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Joke, People.
37 comments

Tree-Frog-PerchedaA “blogger” keeps following me.

She never comments.

She just follows, unfollows, follows, unfollows, follows, unfollows . . . like a strobe light silently screaming for attention.

How do I know?

Almost every morning, I get an e-mail in my in-box that says:

Larissa . . .  just started following you on SLTW. They will receive an email every time you publish a post. Congratulations.

You might want to go see what they’re up to! Perhaps you will like their blog as much as they liked yours!

I doubt that she has actually read anything on my blog . . . she’s too busy following it!

Aah . . . that’s better!