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A $50 Lesson February 18, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
14 comments

Sally-BrownRecently, while I was working in the flower beds in the front yard, my neighbors stopped to chat as they returned home from walking their dog. During our friendly conversation, I asked their little girl what she wanted to be when she grew up.

She said she wanted to be President someday.

“If you were President, what would be the first thing you would do?”

She replied, “I’d give food and houses to all the homeless people.”

Her parents, staunch Democrats, beamed with pride!

Donald-Duck-Baseball“Wow . . . what a worthy goal!” I said.  “But you don’t have to wait until you’re President to do that!”

“What do you mean?” she replied.

“If you come here and mow the lawn, pull weeds, and trim my hedge, I’ll pay you $50. Then you can go to the grocery store where the homeless guy hangs out and give him the $50 to use to buy food.”

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsShe thought that over for a few seconds, then looked me straight in the eye and said, “Why doesn’t the homeless guy come over here and do the work, and you can pay him the $50?”

I nodded.  “Welcome to the Republican Party.”

Her parents aren’t speaking to me anymore.

Aah . . . that’s better!

         Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Four Husbands February 4, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
41 comments

Groom-&-Bride-catsThe local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.

The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband’s occupation.

“He’s a funeral director,” she answered.

“What did your first three husbands do for a living?”

A smile came to her face and she said, “I married a banker in my 20’s, a circus ringmaster in my 40’s, a preacher in my 60’s, and now – in my 80’s – a funeral director!”

Mickey-and-Minnie-kiss“Wow . . . four men with such diverse careers.  How interesting.”

She nodded and grinned, “I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Larissa . . . Stop Following Me! February 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Joke, People.
37 comments

Tree-Frog-PerchedaA “blogger” keeps following me.

She never comments.

She just follows, unfollows, follows, unfollows, follows, unfollows . . . like a strobe light silently screaming for attention.

How do I know?

Almost every morning, I get an e-mail in my in-box that says:

Larissa . . .  just started following you on SLTW. They will receive an email every time you publish a post. Congratulations.

You might want to go see what they’re up to! Perhaps you will like their blog as much as they liked yours!

I doubt that she has actually read anything on my blog . . . she’s too busy following it!

Aah . . . that’s better! 

 

How Patriotic! January 28, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, Life Balance.
26 comments

Little-Miss-ScatterbrainIn the USA, shopping, spending, and buying STUFF, especially on credit, is considered patriotic.

That’s why some of the biggest sales fall on Presidents’ Day, Memorial Day, Veterans’ Day, and Labor Day.

OMG . . . Presidents’ Day is right around the corner!

Get ready . . .

Get set . . .

C~H~A~R~G~E!!!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Financial Advice for Today’s 20-Somethings (Charles Schwab)

Plot Twist January 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance.
34 comments

Tigger-PogoA wise man at a lecture cracked a joke.  Everyone laughed.

He told the joke again and fewer people laughed.

He told it a third time and no one laughed.

When there was no laughter left, he smiled and said:

“We can’t laugh at the same joke again and again and again . . . so why do we insist on crying about the same thing again and again and again?”

When something bad happens, just yell “Plot Twist” and move on.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Funny Quotes About Life (Google)

 

When Nothing Goes Right . . . Go Left January 21, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
40 comments

Food

“I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.”

“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions.  Chocolate understands.”

“I think my soul mate might be carbs.”

“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food!”

IMGP0971

 

Relationships

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”  ~ Lily Tomlin

“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

“Don’t like me?  That’s cool.  I don’t wake up every day to impress you.”

catlady

 

Death

“When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, “I hid the body . . . now what?” ”

“Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

“Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Funny Quotes About Life (Google)

 

How to Get to Heaven from Ireland January 14, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
42 comments

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was “NO!”

“If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A little boy shouted out: “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.”

Aah . . . by George, he’s got it!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

 

A Healthy Level Of Insanity January 7, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
52 comments

Donald-Duck-Diving

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2. On all your check stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors.”

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water when you go out to eat.

5. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Happy-Tiger6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. Go into a large department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles, and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

8. Sing along at The Opera.

The-Pink-Panther9. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go . . ..”

10. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

The Irish Priest December 24, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

Donald-Duck-DrivingAn Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water” says the priest.

The trooper says “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Gesundheit! December 10, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
41 comments

BoobsA man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together.  Afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  She listened with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said,”you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied.  “You just happened to catch my eye.'”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)