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Life Explained September 28, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said:  That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?

God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.

The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:  Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.

Man replied: Hmm . . . only twenty years?  Could you give me my twenty, plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? 

Okay, said God, you asked for it ~ 80 years it is.

That’s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  e-mail from an unknown author

Road Rage September 21, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
27 comments

A man being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard stopped at the cross walk when the light in front of him turned yellow.

The woman  tailgating him honked repeatedly to show her frustration, furious that he hadn’t raced through the intersection to beat the red light.

As she screamed at the other driver, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a serious looking police officer, “Ma’am, I need you to pull your vehicle over to the side of the road.”

“What?!”

“Pull your vehicle to the side of the road, and turn the ignition off.”

He followed her over, “Ma’am, I need to see your license and registration.”

“What’s this about, officer?”

“License and registration, please.”

“Look, I’m in a hurry.  I’ve got someone I need to meet . . . ”

“Ma’am, please exit the car with your hands up.”

“What?!  I am not a criminal and will not be paraded around . . . ”

Wikipedia ~ Handcuffs (in Public Domain)

The officer opened her door, and waved her out of the vehicle to the back of her car, “Place your hands on the trunk, ma’am.”

He handcuffed her, gave her a quick frisk, then returned to her vehicle for her license and registration.

After radioing in the information, including the license plate of the vehicle, he returned to her side, and unlocked the handcuffs.

“Ma’am, everything checks out.  You’re free to go.”

Fuming, she glared at the officer, “You had no right to detain me like that, and I am going to . . . ”

“Ma’am, when I pulled up behind your car, you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak.  At that point, I had reasonable cause to investigate.”

“To investigate?!  Investigate what?!”

“Whether you were driving a stolen vehicle.”

“A stolen vehicle?  Why on earth would you think my car was stolen?!”

“Your behavior  seemed at odds with the “What Would Jesus Do?” license plate holder, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration: e-mail from unknown author

 

A Telling Tale from the Emerald Isle September 16, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

220px-OldBeggar1Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Paddy stepped out of the boat and  nearly drowned before Mick managed to pull him to safety.

Disappointed and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

170px-Maes_Old_Woman_Dozing“Granny, ’tis me 18th birthday, at long last.  So why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled eyes and shook her head.  “Ye father, granddad and great-granddad were all born in December when the lake is frozen.  Ye were born in August, ya daft banana!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from an unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Related post:  Sunday Smiles At The Lake (Nuggets of Gold)

That’s Funny! September 7, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
45 comments
A 100 watt ultraviolet light bulb.

Wikipedia ~ Black Light (in Public Domain)

Knock Knock jokes . . .

Light bulbs jokes . . .

Whether they seem funny often depends upon whether your sense of humor is screwed in tight or missing a screw.

Q. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Laughing at silly jokes requires that you allow your funny bone to be tickled.

When you have a choice between laughing and taking offense . . . which do you choose?

I choose laughter.

Every time.

* * * * *

Q. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Mountains August 10, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature.
25 comments

Mountains aren’t funny . . .

They are hill areas.

Aah . . . that’s punny!

Courtesy Of The Wheel June 6, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

On his first night in Prison, Joe slept fitfully.  Not only was he nervous and agitated, but he was unused to the sounds coming from the adjoining cells.

Just as he was about to drift off, a fellow inmate called out “16.”  In response, the entire cell block erupted into laughter.

Joe puzzled about it for a few minutes until sleep threatened to overtake him once again.

Just then, an inmate cried out, “10.”  As before, Joe heard a chorus of cackles bouncing off the bars.

This number calling continued for a time until, at last, Joe fell asleep.

In the morning, he asked his cell mate, Chuck, about the laughter-inducing numbers.

Chuck chuckled, “Well, we’ve been here for a dog’s age.  And, in that time, we shared just about every joke there is.  Rather than repeating them, we assign them numbers.  When someone calls out a number, we recognize the joke they’re sharing and laugh anew.”

Intrigued, Joe asked if he could give it a go.

“Sure.  Here’s the book of jokes.  Pick a number.”

Joe flipped through the book.

Deciding he liked the sound of Joke 21, he looked forward to “lights out” that night.

Once all the inmates were quieted down, Joe called out “21.”  No response. Not even a ripple of amusement.

He tried again, a bit louder:  “21.”  Nothing.

Perplexed, Joe leaned over his bunk, “Hey, Chuck.  What’s up?  It didn’t work. No one laughed.”

Chuck nodded, “Well, you know what they say . . . some people know how to tell a joke.  Others don’t.”

Aah . . . that’s funny!

Source:  Pat Sajak (Wheel of Fortune, 6/5/19)

Share A Shelfie! May 8, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Food & Drink, Humor, Joke.
47 comments

As a follow up to my last post, I thought I would start a new social media trend ~> SHELFIES!

Instead of taking photos of food and/or adult beverages at restaurants, or Selfies of yourself, share a “Shelfie” of your fridge contents on your Blog or Facebook page.

It’s easy!

No staging necessary!

Best of all, you don’t need a $3,000 Samsung Family Hub Smart Fridge to participate.  Just open your Frigidaire, Kenmore, Amana, GE, Hotpoint, or Whirlpool Fridge and snap a quick shot of its contents.

And while you’re there, grab yourself a snack!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related:  Forget selfies, we want to see your shelfies (The Guardian)

That’s Crazy! April 29, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
20 comments

BFF dreamt that I was driving an RV . . .

out of a campground . . .

at full speed . . .

down a hill . . .

without stopping . . .

to unplug it first!

As a result of our hasty departure, the RV was dragging a 100-foot-long extension cord behind it as we careened down the hill.

Guess BFF doesn’t think much of my driving!   Flushed

Aah . . . that’s better!

Florida ~ Home of the Brave January 19, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
36 comments

BFF and I attended a jazz concert (guitar, bass, percussion) this week.

In Sarasota.
At mid-day.

As the price was right (FREE!), the auditorium was packed, with no vacant seats.

While welcoming the multitude of guests to the venue, one of the musicians expressed his sincere appreciation that the crowd had “braved the weather” to attend the concert.

The weather we braved?

Why it was absolutely wicked ~> in the mid-50’s and only partly sunny!

Aah . . . that’s Florida Funny!

Hocus Pocus . . . Lost My Focus! January 9, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Mindfulness.
21 comments

While wandering around Toon Lagoon, we bumped into Hildegarde who had bumped into a light pole after what must have been a rather bumpy ride.

Hocus Pocus . . . she musta lost her focus!

And so did this pilot!

He going to need a good stiff drink after that landing!

Looks like he’s come to the right place!

Aah . . . that’s better!