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Our Next Best House February 19, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Joke.
20 comments

We found it!

After months of househunting (post hurricane evacuation), we found our next best house!

In Canada!

Right next to a happy sounding and quite refreshing waterfall.

See how happy I am?

Best of all, our new Hansel & Gretel cottage is located in Epcot so we won’t have to deal with the wild, wet, windy, wintry white weather associated with mainland Canada.

As an added bonus, the gorgeous grounds are manicured and maintained by an army of gardeners.

Now, we just need to negotiate the terms of sale with Mickey.  Wish us luck!

Aah . . . that’s better!

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A Blonde Pushes Back . . . February 17, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
28 comments

A young ventriloquist is touring Sweden and, one night, he’s doing a show in a small fishing town. With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb blonde jokes.

Suddenly, a blonde woman in the fourth row, Ceci, stands on her chair and starts shouting, “I’ve heard enough of your stupid blonde jokes.

“What makes you think you can stereotype Swedish blonde women that way? What does the color of a woman’s hair have to do with her worth as a human being?

“It’s men like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from reaching our full potential as people.

“It’s people like you who make others think all blondes are dumb!

“You and your kind perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but women in general . . . all in the pathetic name of humor!”

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologize and the blonde yells:

“You stay out of this! I’m talking to that little shit on your lap.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

WILSON! January 27, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, Mindfulness, Travel & Leisure.
19 comments

In Boca Raton, at Red Reef Park . . . I found a coconut!

Holding it up to my ear, I heard Tom Hanks hollering “WILSON!” . . . as his only and constant companion washed out to sea.

Not wanting to grow attached to an inanimate orb, I put the coconut back where I found it for some other Castaway to befriend.

Aah . . . that’s better!

“We’re All Here . . . “ January 20, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Music & Dance, Word Play.
19 comments

While driving up A1A through Fort Lauderdale Beach, a sign caught my eye:

M.E.N.T.A.L.

Hmm . . .

Curious, I looked closer and spied a funny tagline (like the one in this “borrowed” shot):

Image result for we're all here because we're not all there

After doing a quick google, I found bumper stickers, t-shirts, mugs, plaques, and even clocks sporting the same punny tagline.

Image result for we're all here because we're not all there

Even Steven Tyler is familiar with this funny punny.

Image result for we're all here because we're not all there

Which left me wondering ~> where have I been???

If not “all here” or “all there,” I guess I’ve been “out there” somewhere.

Aah . . . that’s better!

The Bottle of Wine January 13, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
31 comments

While driving home from a business trip in Northern Arizona, Sally saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.

She stopped the car and asked the woman if she would like a ride.  With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car.

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Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman sat silently, looking intently at everything, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.

“What’s in the bag?”

Sally looked down at the brown bag, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.”

The Navajo woman remained silent for another moment.

Then, speaking with quiet wisdom, she nodded and said, “Good trade.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author

 

A Tweet & A Twitter January 6, 2018

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
21 comments

I don’t Tweet on Twitter, but I bumped into this gem in Reader’s Digest:

“Sometimes I just want to go live alone in the woods and meditate . . . but other times I think that’d be Thoreauing my life away.”

@Rachel_Mandik

Aah . . . that’s punny!

New Windows December 30, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
27 comments

Last year, I replaced all the windows in my house with those expensive, double-pane, energy efficient kind.

Last week, I got a call from the guy who installed them, complaining that the work had been completed a year ago and I still hadn’t paid for them.

Helloooo – just because I’m a Senior Citizen doesn’t mean that I am mentally challenged.

I told him just what his fast talking sales guy told me last year, “Your guy said these windows would pay for themselves in a year.  Well, it’s been a year, so they’re paid for.”

Hearing only silence at the other end of the line, I hung up.

He hasn’t called back. I bet he felt like an idiot.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Words of Wisdom December 16, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
20 comments

A pastor’s wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise.

After much discussion, they passed a rule that, whenever the pastor’s family expanded, so would his paycheck.

After six children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the pastor’s expanding salary.

A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the pastor’s additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.

After listening to them for an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, “Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us.”

Silence fell over the congregation.

In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, “Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.”

The entire congregation said, “Amen.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Learning To Cuss December 9, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke.
26 comments

 A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are raking the yard.

Ryan, the 6-year-old, says, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.  What do you think?”

Timothy, the 4-year-old, nods his head in approval.

Ryan continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”

Timothy agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks Ryan what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs to his room with his mother in hot pursuit.

His mom shuts Ryan in his room and says, “You can stay there until I say you can come out!”

She returns to the kitchen, looks at Timothy, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don’t know,” Timothy blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? December 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature.
34 comments

Mickey appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.  Towards the end of the program, he had won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mickey. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue,” said Mickey, ”I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Donald”

Mickey called up his mate and repeated the question to him.

“Mickey!” cried Donald. “That’s simple . . . it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”*

“Of course I’m sure.”

Mickey hung up the phone and said, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked the host.

“Yes.”

After a long, long pause, the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mickey, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

The next night, Mickey invited Donald to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Donald, how did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“That’s easy!  Cuckoos live in a clock!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)