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Rye Bread August 5, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
17 comments

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on a park bench one morning.

The 87-year-old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath.

Amazed at the guy’s stamina, the 80-year-old asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87-year-old said, “Well, I eat Jewish rye bread every day.  It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies. You’ll feel like you’re 40 again!”

On the way home the 80-year-old stopped at the bakery.

As he was looking around, the saleslady asked if he needed any help.  He nodded, “Do you have any Jewish rye bread?”

“Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like a loaf?”

“Yes . . . I want five loaves.”

“My goodness, five loaves! By the time you get to the third loaf, it’ll be hard.”

“Man, I can’t believe it.  Everybody knows about this trick but me.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Fly In The Ointment July 29, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

As the bus stopped, Carla became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn’t.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step.  Once again, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

At this point, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked Carla up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

Carla went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, “How dare you touch my body! I don’t even know who you are!”

The Texan smiled and drawled, “Well, ma’am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Interesting Observations About Balls July 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
21 comments

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Decisions, Decisions July 8, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

Donald wanted to get married.

Since he was having trouble choosing among three candidates, he gave each woman $5,000 to see what they would do with the money.

Julie does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells Donald that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

Donald is pleased.

Teri goes shopping to buy Donald gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Donald is touched.

Pam invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Donald is impressed.

After considering what each woman did with the money, Donald decides to marry Merry . . . the waitress from Hooters who always screws up his order!

Men are like that, you know.

On a related note:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and no idea what to do with them.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

The Lawyer July 1, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Curious, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He approached the men and asked, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the first man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

The second man nodded.

The lawyer smiled, “Come with me to my house and I’ll feed you both.”

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children. They’re over there eating grass under that tree.”

The second man nodded, “I also have a wife and children right over there.”

The lawyer waved his hand, “Bring them all!”

So everyone piled into the lawyer’s limousine.

Once under way, one of the men turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Are You Quizzing Me?! June 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Joke.
29 comments

It’s interesting to see how desperate some writers are to have us click on posts, articles, and other flotsam and jetsam.

Often, the manufactured titles are downright insulting.

This week I received one of the stupidest quiz “opportunities” ever:

Which Frank Lloyd Wright Building Are You?

If you’ve ever wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes your personality, wonder no longer! This quiz is sure to dig deep into your psyche and pull out a connection you may be unaware you have with one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

I didn’t bother to take the quiz because . . .

(1) I am NOT a Frank Lloyd Wright building.

(2) I have never wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes my personality.

(3) I don’t need to dig deep into my psyche to pull out an imaginary connection to one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

But the quiz did serve a purpose ~> blog fodder!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Have you ever wondered if you are unaware of a connection your psyche has with a building?  A car?  A toaster?  A coffee maker?  A bridge?

Me neither.

How Malapropriate! June 10, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
38 comments

Sometimes mom has a tough time finding the right words to convey her sentiments, resulting in humorous lines along the lines of malapropisms, spoonerisms, or eggcorns.

By way of example, our parting conversation:

“Mom, we’re packing the car and plan to leave this morning.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. . . . (PAUSE) . . . Oh, I think that came out wrong.”

“I know, mom.”

Other times, she nails it!

Case in point:

Mom’s new neurologist, a doctor with LONG black hair cascading down her back, admonished mom to quit smoking, citing health reasons:  “You should quit smoking.  It would be healthier.”

Without missing a beat, mom replied:  “You should cut your hair.  It would look more professional.”

Lecture over!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Fun With Words ~ Medical Mixups June 3, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
26 comments

On the last vocabulary test of the year, Edna Krabappel received a slew of creative responses from students eager to start summer break:

Artery ~ A shop that sells paintings

Barium ~ What to do when someone dies

Benign ~ What you be, after you be eight

Cat scan ~ Making a quick search under the furniture for kitty

Cauterize ~ Made eye contact with her

Coma ~ A punctuation mark

Dilate ~ To live longer than expected

Enema ~ Not a friend

Fester ~ Quicker than someone else

Impotent ~ Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain ~ Getting hurt at work

Morbid ~ A higher offer

Nitrates~ Rates of Pay for Working at Night

Node ~ I knew it

Outpatient ~ A person who has fainted

Post Operative ~ A letter carrier

Recovery Room ~ Place to do upholstery

Rectum ~ Nearly killed him

Secretion ~ Hiding something

Seizure ~ Roman Emperor

Tablet ~ A small table

Urine ~ Opposite of you’re out

Edna understood her students’ excitement and shared their eagerness for a L~O~N~G summer break.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

When You Wish . . . Watch Out! May 27, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
29 comments

A married couple in their early 60s are celebrating their 40th wedding anniversary in a quiet, romantic little restaurant.

Suddenly, a tiny yet beautiful fairy appeared on their table. She said, “For being such an exemplary married couple and for being loving to each other for all this time, I will grant you each a wish.”

The wife answered, “Oh, I want to travel around the world with my darling husband.”

The fairy waved her magic wand and  *poof!* two tickets for the Queen Mary II appeared in her hands.

The husband thought for a moment:  “Well, this is all very romantic, but an opportunity like this will never come again. I’m sorry my love, but my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me.”

The wife, and the fairy, were deeply disappointed, but a wish is a wish!

So the fairy waved her magic wand and *poof!* the husband became 92 years old.

The moral of this story:

Men who are ungrateful bastards should remember fairies are female.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Newspapers: Who Reads ‘Em? May 6, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

Experts have found the following analysis to be nearly 100% accurate:

1. The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.

2. The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.

3. The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country AND who are very good at crossword puzzles.

4. USA Today is read by people who think they ought to run the country but don’t really understand The New York Times.

5. The Los Angeles Times is read by people who wouldn’t mind running the country, if they could find the time and if they didn’t have to leave Southern California to do it.

6. The New York Daily News is read by people who aren’t too sure who’s running the country and don’t really care as long as they can get a seat on the train.

7. The Boston Globe is read by people whose parents used to run the country.

8. The New York Post is read by people who don’t care who is running the country as long as they do something really scandalous, preferably while intoxicated.

9. The Chicago Tribune is read by people in prison who used to run the state and would like to do so again, as would their constituents who are currently free on bail.

10. The Miami Herald is read by people who are running another country, but like to review the baseball scores.

11. The National Enquirer is read by people trapped in line at the grocery store.

12. The San Francisco Chronicle is read by people who aren’t sure if there is a country or that anyone is running it; but if so, they oppose all that they stand for. There are occasional exceptions if the leaders are gay, handicapped, minority, feminist, atheists, and those who also happen to be illegal aliens from any other country or galaxy, provided of course, that they are not Republicans.

13. The Seattle Times is read by people who have recently caught a fish and need something to wrap it in.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)