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A Bit Of Covid Humor July 5, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Poetry.
25 comments

COVID IS RAGING . . . MY LIFE IS A MESS
I LIVE IN PAJAMAS AND DON’T HAVE TO DRESS

I’M IN ISOLATION, JUST STAYING AT HOME
AND WOULD GIVE MY LAST DOLLAR TO BE FREE TO ROAM

I’M SERIOUSLY AT RISK (OR THAT’S WHAT THEY SAY)
TELLING ME TO STAY IN AND NOT GO OUT EACH DAY

IN MY HEAD I’M SO YOUNG THOUGH MY LICENSE REVEALS
I’M A 70-PLUS SENIOR (BUT THAT’S NOT HOW IT FEELS!)

WHEN I RUN OUT OF FOOD AND DELIVERIES ARE LATE
I HAVE TO BUY GROCERIES BETWEEN 7 AND 8

SO EARLY MORNING I HEAD OUT TO RESTOCK
AND DISCOVER A LINE WINDING ‘ROUND THE BLOCK

SOCIAL DISTANCING SENIORS ALL 6 FEET APART
MAKE ME WONDER WHEN I BECAME AN OLD FART

MY LATEST NEW OUTFIT IS GLOVES AND A MASK
AND I’M STARTING TO WONDER IF I’M UP TO THIS TASK

I WASH ALL MY GROCERIES ALL FRUIT, MEAT AND VEG
WILL THIS ADDITIONAL PRECAUTION TIP ME OVER THE EDGE?

MY BEAUTIFUL BROWN HAIR HAS WIDE ROOTS OF GREY
NO HAIRDRESSERS AROUND TO HELP WASH THEM AWAY

I’VE BEEN TALKING TO MYSELF & ANSWERING BACK
IS IT MONDAY OR FRIDAY? I’VE REALLY LOST TRACK

I’VE STOPPED KEEPING HOUSE
IT’S WEEKS SINCE I’VE DUSTED
AND I KNOW WITHOUT VISITORS
I’LL NEVER GET BUSTED

I FACETIME FRIENDS OR GROUP CHAT ON ZOOM
AND TRY TO PRETEND WE’RE ALL IN THE SAME ROOM

THANK GOD LIQUOR STORES ARE CONSIDERED ‘ESSENTIAL’
WITHOUT DAILY DRINKS THIS WOULD DRIVE US ALL MENTAL

EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE IT IS GOOD TO REFLECT
ON WHAT THIS ALL MEANS AND WHAT WE CAN EXPECT

IT’S A TIME TO BE GRATEFUL FOR ALL THAT WE’VE GOT
LIKE A WARM HOUSE AND FOOD THAT OTHERS HAVE NOT

THE BOTTOM LINE HERE
BY THE TIME THIS ALL ENDS
IS THAT WE’LL GET THROUGH IT
WITH OUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

Put A Lid On It! May 9, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance.
30 comments

Friday’s Super Short Stories over at Nuggets of Gold got me thinking:

Why don’t apes and chimpanzees and monkeys (our closest relatives) need periodic trims?

What did people do before hairdressers and hair salons?

Home styling?

What did people do before the invention of scissors and razors?

Did they use their teeth?
Did they sharpen shells?

Maybe it didn’t matter in the days before cameras.

And selfies.

On a related note:

I think I’d like hair like a cat ~ always neat and tidy.

No fuss. No muss.

In the meantime, I’ll be like the Cat in that Hat . . .

And put a lid on it!

 

 

 

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Spot of Humor April 21, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
22 comments

Late-night comedy:

After protesters called for the end of stay-at-home orders, Jimmy Kimmel said, “It’s like if the Titanic was headed towards the iceberg, and half of the passengers were like, ‘Can you please speed this thing up?’”

Opening up too soon = surrendering to the virus.

Stay well by staying well apart from others.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Time To Go Grocery Shopping . . . April 6, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke, Less IS More.
32 comments

I’m making a list
I’m checking it twice
I’m heading for food
I’m throwing the dice

The CDC would be so proud of me

I’m wiping the cart
I’m wearing a mask
I’m all geared up
To succeed at this task

The CDC would be so proud of me

It sees me when I’m talking
It knows when I’m awake
It knows if I have washed my hands
Before picking up that cake

So you better watch out
You better not cry
You better not skimp
I’m telling you why

The CDC is looking out for you!

Aah . . . that’s better!

The Chicken or The Egg February 3, 2020

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke, Less IS More.
28 comments

We’ve all heard people ponder the question:  “Which came first, the chicken or the egg?”

I’ve never come up with a satisfactory resolution to that inquiry.  So, let’s table that discussion for the duration of this blog post.

Instead, I’d like to know why hard-boiled eggs are ubiquitous to Macaroni Salad, Potato Salad, Ham Salad, Tuna Salad, etc., when they are clearly NOT a necessary adjunct.

They’re just there.

Like that creep in the corner of the bar keeping silent watch.

“Stop looking at me!”

Even more perplexing than the perennial presence of hard-boiled eggs in potluck offerings is the apparent absence of eggs from chicken salad.

I’ve seen chicken salad dolled up with grapes, pineapple, raisins, apples, mandarin oranges, cranberries, celery, onion, slivered almonds, walnuts, peanuts, pecans, cashews, curry, pickles, olives, capers . . . you name it.

But I just googled “chicken salad recipes” and none of the 20 recipes at the top of the “hit list” called for hard-boiled egg.

Not that I’m complaining since I don’t eat chicken or eggs, especially hard-boiled eggs.

But why is it that the chicken and the egg are rarely “co-stars” in chicken salad?  Don’t people realize that eggs and chicken are about as closely related as two foods can get?

They’re NOT first cousins, twice removed, like ham and eggs or green eggs & ham.  They’re from the same nuclear family ~ think parent and child or siblings at different stages of development.

Green Eggs and HamSo why aren’t they considered suitable company for each other in chicken salad?

Oh, wait.

I get it.

It might seem incestuous.

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Happy Thanksgiving! November 27, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Gratitude, Humor, Joke.
17 comments

As a kid, I loved playing with an Etch-A-Sketch.

As an adult, I still do.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Life Explained September 28, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

On the first day, God created the dog and said:

Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.

The dog said:  That’s a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I’ll give you back the other ten?

God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said:

Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I’ll give you a twenty-year life span.

The monkey said: Monkey tricks for twenty years? That’s a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?

And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said:

You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer’s family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.

The cow said: That’s kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I’ll give back the other forty?

And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said:  Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I’ll give you twenty years.

Man replied: Hmm . . . only twenty years?  Could you give me my twenty, plus the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back? 

Okay, said God, you asked for it ~ 80 years it is.

That’s why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you.

There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I’m doing it as a public service.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  e-mail from an unknown author

Road Rage September 21, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
27 comments

A man being tailgated by a stressed out woman on a busy boulevard stopped at the cross walk when the light in front of him turned yellow.

The woman  tailgating him honked repeatedly to show her frustration, furious that he hadn’t raced through the intersection to beat the red light.

As she screamed at the other driver, she heard a tap on her window and looked up into the face of a serious looking police officer, “Ma’am, I need you to pull your vehicle over to the side of the road.”

“What?!”

“Pull your vehicle to the side of the road, and turn the ignition off.”

He followed her over, “Ma’am, I need to see your license and registration.”

“What’s this about, officer?”

“License and registration, please.”

“Look, I’m in a hurry.  I’ve got someone I need to meet . . . ”

“Ma’am, please exit the car with your hands up.”

“What?!  I am not a criminal and will not be paraded around . . . ”

Wikipedia ~ Handcuffs (in Public Domain)

The officer opened her door, and waved her out of the vehicle to the back of her car, “Place your hands on the trunk, ma’am.”

He handcuffed her, gave her a quick frisk, then returned to her vehicle for her license and registration.

After radioing in the information, including the license plate of the vehicle, he returned to her side, and unlocked the handcuffs.

“Ma’am, everything checks out.  You’re free to go.”

Fuming, she glared at the officer, “You had no right to detain me like that, and I am going to . . . ”

“Ma’am, when I pulled up behind your car, you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you, and cussing a blue streak.  At that point, I had reasonable cause to investigate.”

“To investigate?!  Investigate what?!”

“Whether you were driving a stolen vehicle.”

“A stolen vehicle?  Why on earth would you think my car was stolen?!”

“Your behavior  seemed at odds with the “What Would Jesus Do?” license plate holder, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration: e-mail from unknown author

 

A Telling Tale from the Emerald Isle September 16, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

220px-OldBeggar1Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition.

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they’d each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy’s 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake.

Paddy stepped out of the boat and  nearly drowned before Mick managed to pull him to safety.

Disappointed and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother.

170px-Maes_Old_Woman_Dozing“Granny, ’tis me 18th birthday, at long last.  So why can’t I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?”

Granny looked into Paddy’s troubled eyes and shook her head.  “Ye father, granddad and great-granddad were all born in December when the lake is frozen.  Ye were born in August, ya daft banana!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from an unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Related post:  Sunday Smiles At The Lake (Nuggets of Gold)

That’s Funny! September 7, 2019

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
45 comments
A 100 watt ultraviolet light bulb.

Wikipedia ~ Black Light (in Public Domain)

Knock Knock jokes . . .

Light bulbs jokes . . .

Whether they seem funny often depends upon whether your sense of humor is screwed in tight or missing a screw.

Q. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

Laughing at silly jokes requires that you allow your funny bone to be tickled.

When you have a choice between laughing and taking offense . . . which do you choose?

I choose laughter.

Every time.

* * * * *

Q. How many Psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Only one, but the bulb has to really WANT to change.

Aah . . . that’s better!