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Learning To Cuss December 9, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Joke.
20 comments

 A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are raking the yard.

Ryan, the 6-year-old, says, “You know what? I think it’s about time we started learning to cuss.  What do you think?”

Timothy, the 4-year-old, nods his head in approval.

Ryan continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I’m gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.”

Timothy agrees with enthusiasm.

When their mother walks into the kitchen and asks Ryan what he wants for breakfast, he replies, “Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I’ll have some Cheerios.”

WHACK!

He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs to his room with his mother in hot pursuit.

His mom shuts Ryan in his room and says, “You can stay there until I say you can come out!”

She returns to the kitchen, looks at Timothy, and asks with a stern voice, “And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?”

“I don’t know,” Timothy blubbers, “but you can bet your ass it won’t be Cheerios.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? December 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature.
34 comments

Mickey appeared on Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.  Towards the end of the program, he had won 500,000 euros.

“You’ve done very well so far,” said the show’s presenter, “but for a million euros you’ve only got one life-line left, phone a friend.  Everything is riding on this question. Will you go for it?”

“Sure,” said Mickey. “I’ll have a go!”

“Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest?

a) Sparrow
b) Thrush
c) Magpie
d) Cuckoo?”

“I haven’t got a clue,” said Mickey, ”I’ll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Donald”

Mickey called up his mate and repeated the question to him.

“Mickey!” cried Donald. “That’s simple . . . it’s a cuckoo.”

“Are you sure?”*

“Of course I’m sure.”

Mickey hung up the phone and said, “I’ll go with cuckoo as my answer.”

“Is that your final answer?” asked the host.

“Yes.”

After a long, long pause, the presenter screamed, “Cuckoo is the correct answer! Mickey, you’ve won 1 million euros!”

The next night, Mickey invited Donald to their local pub to buy him a drink.

“Tell me, Donald, how did you know it was the Cuckoo that doesn’t build its own nest?”

“That’s easy!  Cuckoos live in a clock!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Comfort Stations November 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature, Travel & Leisure.
16 comments

When in St. Pete last week, we spotted a gorgeous building in the park . . .

On closer inspection, we noted that it’s a “Comfort Station” . . .

What a great name for a pit stop!

On one side, we spotted open windows.  Yes!  Open windows can be a good thing for Men’s Rooms . . .

Especially if men are using the throne room to ponder deep thoughts . . .

Just remember to leave your nuclear weapons outside . . .

Aah . . . that’s better!

Golf: Foul Language Alert November 11, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Humor, Joke.
18 comments

I prefer to keep Spirit Lights The Way free of words like those used in the following You Tube clip.  I am making an exception for Robin Williams since the clip: (1) makes me laugh out loud; (2) focuses on Scots, golf, and elitism; and (3) includes a reference to Buddhist concentration.

Just remember . . . Robin’s language is the exception, not the rule.

Quote:  Golf . . . a good walk spoiled. ~ Mark Twain

 

Observations On Aging November 4, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
21 comments

When I was a child, I thought nap time was a punishment.  Now it feels like a mini vacation.

In fact, some days I have no idea what I’m doing out of bed.

I don’t know about you, but when I was younger, I thought growing old would take longer.

On that note, have you ever noticed that people “our age” seem so much older than us?

Have you ever said, “I don’t need to write that down, I’ll remember it”?

How’s that working out for you?

Do you have days when “getting lucky” means walking into a room and remembering why you’re there?

Other definitions are changing too.  For example, I consider “on trend” to be clothes that still fit and “on time” to be when I get there.

That’s OK.  Aging may have slowed me down, but it hasn’t shut me up.

Some days I even talk to myself, especially if I need expert advice.

One last thought:

Have you ever wanted to hop in the dryer for ten minutes and come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

#SpamRight October 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Joke.
23 comments

Hey Spammers!

You’ve been clogging up my Spam filter again.

Akismet is smart . . . you will not get past Akismet’s Spam filters without putting a bit more effort into your Spam messages.

Instead of spreading the word, you’ll just end up trapped in the can, man.

Here are a few tips on what to do if you want to #SpamRight:

#1 Choose an on-line name that looks like a name . . . not a hashtag on crack.

#2 Choose a photo for your avatar.  It doesn’t have to be of a person, but using a shadowy silhouette is shady and attracts suspicion.

#3 Speak English if you are attempting to comment on a blog written in English.

#4 Ditto for other languages.

And if you really want to #SpamRight . . .

#5 Do NOT include 47 links to the same suspect site in your comments.

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Have You Ever Wondered Why . . . October 14, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
27 comments

Have you ever wondered why:

We never see the headline “Psychic Wins  Lottery.”

We leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our  useless junk in the garage.

“Abbreviated” is such a long word.

A house burns up as it burns down.

We fill in a form by filling it out.

Doctors and lawyers charge so much when they’re just “practicing.”

We call our investment advisor a “broker.”

The sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin.

We make bottled lemon juice with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid with real lemons.

We have noses that run and feet that smell.

We drive on a parkway and park on a driveway.

We called it Con-gress, and not Pro-gress.

Banks leave both doors open and chain the pens to the  counters.

People recite at a play and play at a recital.

We ship by truck and send cargo by ship.

People order a Double Whopper, Biggie Fries, and . . . a Diet Coke.

Quicksand works so slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

We call the time of day with the slowest traffic “rush  hour.”

A slim chance and a fat chance are the same thing, but a wise man and a wise guy are opposites.

They sterilize the needle for lethal injections.

Drugstores make the sick walk to the back of the store to  get prescriptions filled while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Apartments are all stuck together.

Noah didn’t swat those two mosquitoes.

Sheep don’t shrink when it rains.

We don’t make planes out of the stuff they use to make the indestructible black box.

An alarm goes off by going on.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration: two e-mails from unknown authors.

Only Your Tailor Knows For Sure . . . October 7, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
18 comments

Joe had been having horrible headaches, so he went to see his doctor.

The doctor said, “Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a rare condition which causes your testicles to press on your spine; the pressure causes one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is castration.”

Shocked and horrified, Joe left the doctor’s office agreeing to think it over.  In the end, he decided to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need. A new suit.”

He entered the shop and told the proprietor, “I’d like a new suit.”

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see, size 44 long.”

Joe grinned, “That’s right, how did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years!”

Joe tried on the suit, and it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, “How about a
new shirt?”

Joe nodded. “Sure.”

The tailor eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.”

“Right again! How did you know?”

“Been in the business 60 years.”

Joe tried on the shirt ~> another perfect fit!   The tailor then asked, “How about some new underwear?”

Joe said, “Sure.  Let’s do the whole thing . . . from soup to nuts!”

The tailor eyed him up and down and said, “OK ~> size 36.”

Joe laughed, “Ah ha! I got you! I’ve worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.”

The tailor immediately shook his head, “Nope.  You can’t wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.”

Aah . . . only your tailor knows for sure!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Hey Siri . . . September 30, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

As our increasingly sophisticated tech gadgets remember more about our lives than we do, I imagine this type of conversation occurring with increasing frequency:

“Siri, what did I have for breakfast today?”

“Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. You skipped breakfast. Your mother wonders where she went wrong.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Today is Mom’s Birth Day . . . she would have been 88!

Happy Birthday, Mom ~ I remembered to have a good breakfast!

Attention: PLEASE! September 23, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
33 comments

Please . . . I repeat . . . PLEASE!

DO NOT USE the $1, $5, $10, $20, $50 or $100 bills in your possession as they have pictures of former slave owners on them!

Send them all to me and I will dispose of them properly!!!

I repeat, do not just throw them away!

They need to be disposed of properly and I am Certified to do so.

Thanks.

Aah . . . that’s rich!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)