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King Arthur & The Ugly Old Woman August 27, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
16 comments

RWS_Tarot_01_MagicianKing Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals.

The monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question . . . What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the wisest man.  To young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman.  She would have the answer, but the price would be high.  The woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged for her wise counsel.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and a beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or at night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman?  Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?  Make YOUR choice before you scroll down.

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Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Mickey-and-Minnie-kissUpon hearing this, she announced she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral to this story:

If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . things are going to get ugly!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Your Bid! August 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Travel & Leisure.
37 comments

Tigger hates to be left out of the action.  Whatever we’re doing, he wants to participate.

He likes to be in the thick of things.

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So when I started playing Bridge this summer, he dove right in to assist with my independent study program.

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Now, when I play Bridge Solitaire (with imaginary partners and opponents), Tigger’s in charge of keeping players on their toes.

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He keeps an eye on the progress of the auction and prompts players to be prompt with a succinct bark of “Your Bid!”

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Aah . . . that’s better!

“I Got Your Dollar Right Here!” August 23, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke.
30 comments

Donald-Duck-DrivingThere’s an auto insurance commercial that cracks us up ~ a woman receives a good driver rebate and uses it to buy an expensive handbag.

When a friend shopping with her calls out to ask her auto insurer for a rebate, Jerry Van Dyke (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) pops into the scene dressed in hip waders and a fishing vest.

He’s holding a fishing pole with a dollar on the line as “bait” as he calls out . . . “I got your dollar right here!”

When she tries to grab the dollar, he yanks it out of reach.

A few weeks ago, BFF recreated the commercial for my amusement using props from around the house.

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When I walked into the kitchen and saw his “Just For Fun” vignette, I cracked up.

Then I pocketed the dollar.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

A Killer E-Mail August 20, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
44 comments

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday.  His wife planned to fly down the next day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.

The widow, expecting messages from relatives and friends, decided to check her e-mail.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2015

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Advice From A Polar Bear August 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Less IS More, Sustainable Living.
28 comments

One of our nieces is leaving for college next week.  She celebrated her 18th birthday this week.

I sent her a combined Birthday/ Bon Voyage card because (a) I am frugal and thrifty and Scottish, and (b) I am a friend to trees and hate wasting paper ~> i.e., blogging is better than logging.

Anyway, here’s Advice from a Polar Bear from the card I sent:

Live Large
Be thick-skinned
Sniff out opportunities
Learn some good icebreakers
Be fearless
Keep it cool!

Aah . . . that’s better!

To order sustainable greeting cards & products, visit:  Your True Nature

Attack Of The Killer Garage Door August 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Home & Garden, Humor, Life Balance.
49 comments

Goofy-Under-An-UmbrellaLast week, just before I needed to head to the dentist to get two front composite restorations and a crown, the skies opened up.

Torrential rain beat down at the brisk rate of 2.5 inches an hour.

A real gully-washer!

When the rain let up for a minute, I made a beeline for the garage.

I pressed the garage door opener on the wall.  The garage door swung up on command.

Open Sesame.

Donald-Duck-DrivingWhen I shifted the car into reverse to back out, I noticed the garage seemed rather dark.

That’s odd.

The door, exhibiting a streak of independence, had decided that it had waited in the up position more than long enough for me to exit the garage.

With silent stealth, it had come down while I was busy fastening my seatbelt and adjusting the radio and A/C.  In its defense, maybe it was trying to keep the pouring rain, still coming down at record speed, out of the garage.

Determined not to give up, I pressed the garage door remote over the visor and watched the door’s ascent.

Going up.

Excellent.  Great.  Good.  All clear.

Eeyore-under-a-raincloudI put the car in reverse, began backing out of the garage, and heard a strange sound ~ that of the garage door coming down on the roof of my Honda and holding it fast.

Crunch!

I was stuck half in and half out of the garage.

Not good.

I pushed the remote, hoping to convince the door to ascend for the third time in as many minutes.

Go up!

It ignored my request and continued its downward descent.

Not good.  

Feeling like a sardine in a tin can, I tried again.

This time, the garage door ascended long enough for me to zip out of the garage and make my escape.  (If you can call going to the dentist an “escape.”)

As rain continued to pour down, I called BFF to catch him up on the garage door’s escapade.

Tiara-CatFour hours later, I returned home with a new crown and a significantly lighter wallet.

In my absence, BFF had checked out the garage door and concluded the door, not his wife, was at fault for the mix up.  It had messed up.

Apparently the springs are lacking in tension.  We’ll need to get someone out here to tighten them up.

In the meantime, when we want the door to stay up . . . we need to apply heavy-duty industrial clamps to keep it from coming down!

Mickey-OKNow for the upside of that up and down day ~> my new crown is permanent!

Our dentist fixed me up in a single visit instead of installing a temporary crown and having me return down the road for a permanent install.

Aah . . . that’s better!

So, what’s up with you?

What A Witch! August 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
26 comments

Two old guys are close to their last days.  They decide they want to enjoy one last night on the town.

After a few drinks, they end up at the local brothel.

The madam takes one look at them and whispers to her manager, “Go up to the first two bedrooms and put an inflated doll in each bed. I’m not wasting two of my girls on them. These two old geezers are so wasted, they’ll never know the difference.”

The manager does as he’s told and the two men go upstairs and transact their business.

As they are walking home, the first man says, “You know, I think my girl was dead.”

“Dead?  Why do you say that?”

“She didn’t move a muscle or make a sound the whole time I was with her.”

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His friend nods, “It could’ve been worse.  I think mine was a witch.”

“A witch??? Why do you say that?”

“Well, I started kissing her on the neck, but when I gave her a little bite, she farted to beat the band and flew out the window . . .”

“Really?”

“Yup.  And darn if she didn’t take my teeth with her!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Changing Our Gratitude Baseline August 11, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Less IS More, Mindfulness.
41 comments

grumpy_thinkingI read a story about a young man suffering with CFS ~ Chronic Fatigue Syndrome.

And when I say suffering, I mean S~U~F~F~E~R~I~N~G!!!

He can’t talk, text, or type to communicate.  Noise and light drains him ~ he wears headphones to drown out sound and a baseball cap pulled over his eyes to keep out light.

He can’t eat due to digestive problems.
He’s on a feeding tube.

And he’s exhausted and in pain All The Time.

I imagined spending a single day in “his world” before returning to my own life the next day.

Happy-TigerWow!

All the little things so easily taken for granted became cause for celebration because my gratitude baseline shifted:

I can open my eyes and see sunny skies.

I can listen to the insistent M~E~O~W~S of the cat . . . urging me to do his bidding N~O~W!

I can type, text, and talk . . . and enjoy the replies.

I can sit down to a hearty and delicious meal without fear of setting off a tsunami in my gut.

Tigger-BouncingThat’s the wonderful thing about imagination.

I didn’t have to live in his world for a single minute before changing my gratitude baseline.

So today I’m grateful that . . .

I didn’t have to deal with an earthquake or trekking across frozen tundra in a blizzard.

I didn’t have to eat monkey’s brains, bull’s balls, or any other Andrew Zimmern oddity.

There are no bombs bursting in air overhead and not a single snake slithering around in our shower.

Tiggers-R-UsLife seems sunnier in an instant when I acknowledge a few of the “clouds” that are nowhere in sight.

Aah . . . that’s better!

What a wonderful life I’ve had!  I only wish I’d realized it sooner. ~ Colette

No Need To Reply August 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Less IS More, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
41 comments

IMGP3881A few weeks ago someone said something “unkind” to me.

I had no idea why.

As I pondered her comment, I realized I didn’t need to reply.

So I didn’t.

I just looked at her.
Until she slunk away.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Stolen Quote: Silence (Chasing Unicorns)

* * *

If you enjoy quotes (stolen or otherwise), check out Chasing Unicorns ~> Tippy Gnu steals quotes to share . . . after adding a humorous twist or cynical tweak.

A Swede, A Norwegian, and A Dane August 6, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
34 comments

A Swede and a Norwegian go into a Dane’s pastry shop.

The Norwegian guy whisks three cookies into his pocket with lightning speed. The baker doesn’t notice.

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The Norwegian says to the Swede, “Ya see how clever ve are? You Svenskas can never beat dat!”

The Swede says to the Norwegian guy, “Vatch this, ANY Svede is smarter dan a Norske, and I’ll prove it to ya.”

RWS_Tarot_01_MagicianHe says to the baker, “Give me a cookie and I’ll show you a vunderful magic trick!”

The baker gives him the cookie, which the Swede promptly eats.

Then he says to the baker: “Give me anudder cookie for my magic trick.”

The poor Dane is getting suspicious, but he gives him a second cookie.  The Swede eats this one too.

Then he says again: “Give me one more cookie . . .”

The baker is getting angry now, but hands him a third cookie.  And, yes, the Swede eats this one too.

Now the baker is really mad, and he yells: “OK . . . And now where is your famous magic trick?”

“Look in da Norvegian’s pocket vere you’ll find all three cookies, uneaten und good as new!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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