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It’s All In The Family January 30, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
31 comments

Homer-MexicanDan was a single guy living at home with his father while working in the family business.

Since he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife to share his good fortune.

One evening at an investment seminar, he spotted a beautiful woman who took his breath away.

During a break, he introduced himself.

“I may look like a regular guy but in a few years when my father dies I will inherit $200 million.”

Betty-BoopImpressed, the woman asked for his business card.

Three days later, she became his step-mother.

Now that’s what you call Financial Planning!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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A Brand New Day January 27, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, People, Spirit & Ego.
46 comments

Turtle-Underwater“When is the viewing?”

“No viewing.  He’s already been cremated.  All that’s left is ash.”

“WHAT?!  How could you do that?!  You knew we’d want to see him again.  And that we’d want to bury him in the family plot next to mom and dad.”

“Hmm . . . to be honest, I didn’t consider what you wanted.  HE wanted to be cremated.  I arranged for his cremation.”

“But you should have let us view him first!”

“Why?  That’s not what HE wanted.  HE didn’t want people admiring the work of a mortician, talking about how peaceful HE looked.”

Lotus“But we wanted to see him again!”

“Too bad. Too little. Too late.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“It means HIS wishes trumped yours.”

“That’s not good enough.  How could you ignore what WE wanted?!

“I’m sure you can figure it out.”

“Spell it out for me anyway.  I want to understand why you chose to disregard OUR wishes.”

“OK.  Here goes:  He called you. And called you. And called you. And YOU did not call back. YOU didn’t write. YOU didn’t visit. YOU ignored him while he was alive so I felt no need to accommodate YOUR egocentric desires once he died. HE asked to be cremated. I honored that request. Case closed.”

“But you had no right to cremate OUR brother!”

300px-Paradiso_Canto_31“Of course I did.  If I didn’t have the legal right to dispose of his remains, the funeral home would have refused my request.”

“That’s not what I meant! You should have called US to see what WE wanted.”

“I don’t see it that way. And, even if you could somehow convince me now, it’s too late.  It’s a done deal.  Deal with it.”

“He never should have married you!”

“But HE did.  And now he’s dead.  It’s a brand new day.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

When someone dies . . . should the wishes of the deceased trump the desires of the mourners?

V is for Visualize January 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Health & Wellness, Magick & Mystery.
39 comments

Close your eyes.
Visualize.

Mickey-SurferVisualize the life you want to live AS IF you’re already living it.

* See yourself hitting a hole-in-one.

* Feel yourself balancing on a paddleboard, wind in your ears.

* Picture yourself at your healthiest & happiest.

Creating new synapses helps prune away the “dead wood” that weighs us down.

No longer choked by weeds, our lives burst into bloom.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

On a related note:  How to Become a Luckier Person Overnight (Raptitude)

How To Tell The Sex of A Fly January 23, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
36 comments

200px-Musca_illustrationA woman walked into the kitchen and found her husband standing around with a fly swatter.

“Hey, Rick.  What are you doing?”

“Hunting flies.”

“Kill any?”

“Yep, 3 males, 2 females.”

“Really? How can you tell them apart?”

“Easy.  Three were on a beer can, two were on the phone.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Learn To Be Still January 21, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Music & Dance.
41 comments

Alan Rickman, David Bowie, and Glenn Frey died this week, each of them taking a final bow before reaching their 70th year.

Alan Rickman flew under my radar until he sneered on screen as Severus Snape.  Like Dumbledore before him, Snape will live on in my imagination.

And now three favorite songs from musicians who helped transform me from who I was then to who I am now.

David Bowie ~ Rebel Rebel

David Bowie ~ Changes

Glenn Frey & the Eagles ~ Learn To Be Still

My only uncle died this week too . . .

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But not until after he had a chance to celebrate his 91st birthday last summer!

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We don’t have forever.  Only the time we are here.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Playing Tug-Of-War with Elephants January 19, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
35 comments

2015-03-04 14-23-45_0027Having had more than a few “dark days” when my sense of humor was MIA, I’ve learned to stop wrestling with thoughts that threaten to drown me in the abyss.

Instead of playing a losing game of tug-of-war with elephants, I “let go” of my end of the rope and walk away.

Trusting the Universe to unfold as it should until I am once again ready to steer into the wind.

Aah . . . that’s better!

“A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road.”  ~ Henry Ward Beecher

Hot To Trot January 16, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Joke.
39 comments

200px-CucciolobluA dog lover, whose female dog was in heat, agreed to look after her neighbor’s male dog while the neighbors were on vacation.  She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart.

On the first night, as she was drifting off to sleep, she heard howling and moaning downstairs.

She found the dogs locked together and unable to disengage, as often happens when dogs mate.

Unable to separate them, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.

grumpy_thinkingAfter hearing the problem, the vet said, “Hang up the phone and place it alongside the dogs. I will call you back. The phone’s ringing will cause the male to lose his erection and he’ll be able to withdraw.”

“Really?  You think that will work?”

“It worked when you called me!”

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.) 

Our Lady of Perpetual Displeasure January 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
46 comments

IMGP3881On a walk, uplifting thoughts fell on stone deaf ears.

Happiness comes first to those who are already smiling.

Blind to the good, Our Lady of Perpetual Displeasure mined a ponderous pile of grievances and gripes to regale with stale tales.

How refreshing the whinny of a pack horse fully unloaded! ~ Classic Haiku

Sometimes the teacher appears before the student is ready.

Aah . . . that’s better!

As shown by the parable of the Chinese Farmer, it pays to develop a “Maybe Mind”

 

 

Expectations Are Not Obligations January 11, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.
45 comments

220px-TaleofPeterRabbit8Some people get annoyed when their expectations aren’t met.

As if their expectations gave rise to a corresponding obligation on the recipient’s part.

Silly rabbits!

Life doesn’t work that way.

Expectations are nothing but fluff and stuff, based on mere opinions about how the world “should” be.

And, for the more grandiose among us, how it would be . . .
3D-Ape

“If only people would consult with us before acting like poorly educated baboons, dearth of common sense.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

I am patient with stupidity, but not with those who are proud of it. ~ Edith Sitwell

I’m Dying Here . . . January 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
30 comments

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsA lady died in January.  Her credit card company billed her for the annual service fee in February.

In March and April, the bank added late fees and interest to the charge.  The balance, which had been $0.00 when she died, now approached $60.00.

A family member placed a call to the bank.  “Hi.  I’m calling to let you know my aunt died in January.”

After some back and forth, the bank’s representative said, “I’m sorry, but the account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.”

The nephew chuckled,”Maybe you should turn it over to collections.”

Missing the humor, the bank rep said, “Since it is two months past due, it already has been.”

170px-Suushi_Yurei“So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?”

“Either report her account to the fraud division or report her to the credit bureau.  Maybe both!”

“Do you think God will be mad at her?”

“Excuse me?

“Did you get what I was telling you – the part about her being dead?”

“Sir, you’ll have to speak to my supervisor.”

Supervisor gets on the phone.

The nephew says, “I’m calling to tell you, the account holder died back in January with a $0 balance.”

“The account was never closed and late fees and charges still apply.”

170px-PuckCover“You mean you want to collect from her estate?”

“(Stammer) Are you her lawyer?”

“No, I’m her nephew.”

“Could you fax us a certificate of death?”

“Sure.  What’s your fax #?”

After the bank gets the fax:  “Our system just isn’t setup for death. I don’t know what more I can do to help.”

“Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. She won’t care.”

“Well, the late fees and charges will still apply.”

“No doubt.  Would you like her new billing address?”

“Sure. That might help.”

Hobbes“Odessa Memorial Cemetery, Highway 129, Plot Number 69GR.”

“Sir, that’s a cemetery!”

“Yup.  What do you do with dead people on your planet??”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)