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When Nothing Goes Right . . . Go Left January 21, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
40 comments

Food

“I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.”

“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions.  Chocolate understands.”

“I think my soul mate might be carbs.”

“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food!”

IMGP0971

 

Relationships

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”  ~ Lily Tomlin

“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

“Don’t like me?  That’s cool.  I don’t wake up every day to impress you.”

catlady

 

Death

“When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, “I hid the body . . . now what?” ”

“Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

“Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Funny Quotes About Life (Google)

 

Kingston Sun January 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Magick & Mystery, Poetry, Word Play.
14 comments

_0001cI woke up
The tendrils of a dream followed me
With a sound resounding in memory

I listened to the night
All quiet . . . all calm
Save the clock’s constant tick tock

Nothing to disturb my slumber

I turned over
Plumped my pillow
And began my return to Nod

Endeavor interrupted, I surfaced again
To the sound heard first in a dream
My phone’s ring tone – Kingston Sun

This time
The sound resounded
In real time

I got up and fished for my phone in the dark
One “Missed Call” . . .

Just one.

The Cons of ProFlowers December 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Less IS More, Mindfulness, Word Play.
44 comments

I started to order a table top Christmas tree (live) from ProFlowers . . . but they wanted credit card info to pay for the order BEFORE they would reveal the shipping and handling charges.

That bothered me.

I opened a new page to see what I could find out about shipping and handling and the info was very vague . . . between $8 and $25 per shipping address.

Plus a $2.99 handling fee.

Plus a possible shipping and handling surcharge.

I expect many people feel “invested” in the purchase at that point and agree to pay whatever shipping charge appears.

Not me.

I wanted to see the total before I plunked down my credit card info . . . especially since the site was so vague about what the charge might be.

So I backed out of the site without buying anything.

A few days later, I decided to check whether my caution had been warranted.

Donald-DuckaWOW!

I am glad I didn’t complete the purchase at ProFlowers ~ as I read through the reviews I ConCluded that a ProFusion of customers were ConCerned with the ProHibitive add-on charges revealed only after they had ProVided ProFlowers with a ConVenient credit card number.

In some cases, the ConCealed charges, once revealed, DOUBLED the cost of the order!  Other customers complained about the shoddy ConDition of delivered items, mentioning missing vases, bent stems, etc..

I’m ConVinced I’ve never seen so many negative 1* reviews ConGregating together in cyberspace before.

Perhaps ProFlowers has more Cons than Pros.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Seriously, Siri? December 5, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Word Play.
27 comments

Mickey-LoungingA few days before Thanksgiving, when the temps in Florida had dipped below 60 degrees, I decided to check the weather in the islands of the Caribbean.

Since one of my nieces is temporarily stationed in St. Maarten, I started there:

“Siri, what’s the weather in St. Maarten today?

“The weather in St. Maarten is 57 degrees.”

Glancing at the thermometer on my wall, I saw that the outside temperature was 56 degrees.  Odd.

Certain that Siri was wrong, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, I asked:

Mickey-Surfer“Where is St. Maarten?”

Siri pulled up a Google map showing the island of St. Maarten, with the capital city of Philipsburg.  Great!

“Siri, what’s the weather in Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

I watched Siri transcribe what she heard me say ~> an exact match for what I had said.

Satisfied that the failure in communication didn’t stem from my failure to enunciate, I waited for her response.

“OK.  Here’s the weather for Philipsburg, Pennsylvania for today ~ 44 degrees.”

Exercising a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, Siri had changed my request from the island of St. Maarten to the State of Pennsylvania.

I decided to switch tactics.

Mickey-In-Hammock“Siri, where is St. Maarten?”

Once again, Siri pulled up the Google map of the island of St. Maarten.   But when I asked about the weather, Siri continued to insist that the weather in St. Maarten matched the weather outside my door.

I remained unconvinced.

“Siri, is there another St. Maarten?”

“OK, here’s what I found . . .”

With that, Siri pulled up a Google map of Saint Maarten Condominium.

I clicked the map.  The map expanded to reveal that Saint Maarten Condominium is located just south of us in Naples, Florida.  No wonder the temps there were just a few degrees off from the temps right outside my door.

I decided to confirm that Siri’s weather report for St. Maarten coincided with the weather in Naples, Florida.

mr-rossi“Siri, what’s the weather in Naples?”

“OK.  The weather in Naples, Italy is 44 degrees.”

“What’s the weather in Naples, Florida.”

“The weather in Naples, Florida is 57 degrees.”

Mystery solved.

But I didn’t want a weather report for Saint Maarten Condominium in Naples, Florida . . . I still wanted the weather for the island of St. Maarten.

Mickey-OKInstead of continuing the somewhat exhausting exchange with Siri, I went to weather.com and typed in “Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

As expected, the temps there looked awesome!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Snooty Snotty Sneering Snobs! May 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Word Play.
34 comments

The-Pink-PantherI don’t care for snooty attitudes.
People like that just seem snotty to me.

“Here! Have a Kleenex!”

Most of the time, I find snotty attitudes more amusing than upsetting.

Donald-Duck-LaughingIf a snooty snotty sneering snob “looks down on me,” I happily retaliate . . .

By laughing my ass off at them.

Especially if I know their snottitude cost them a commission!

If someone gives you a “hard time” or a “bad review,” do you consider the source before allowing their opinion to ruffle your feathers?

Mickey-OKWe cannot control others.

We can control how we choose to view them . . . with anger or compassion, with amused detachment or frustration.

We can choose NOT to be offended.

Aah . . . that’s better!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Related:  Shopping for Tile: A Tale of Snobbery and Comeuppance (Ally Bean) * How To Thicken Your Skin (RoughWighting)

Piles of Poetic Jello February 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
48 comments

170px-alice_par_john_tenniel_30Wading through descriptive prose that sounds poetic but makes no sense is like trying to climb over a pile of jello.

It’s rarely worth the effort.

When poetic prose adds depth without detracting from the story line, a lilting flow is relaxing and peaceful.

In contrast, when writing causes readers to get mired down deciphering images that make no sense, it’s just nonsense.

And it’s distracting.

Mainspring_wind-up_keysBy way of example:

“I am hypnotized by keys, thick fistfuls of them, I can taste their acid galvanization, more precious than wisdom.”

~ White Oleander, Janet Finch

Blech!

When writing detracts from my enjoyment of a book, I ask myself whether I should forge ahead through the dreck . . . to see if the unseen destination is worth the trek.

The answer is almost always:  Nah!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Dress It Up (El Space)

Spools of Gossamer Thread February 11, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
23 comments

448px-Alice_05a-1116x1492If writers wrote only from first hand experience and observation without extrapolation, we would not have been gifted with:

Harry Potter
Gulliver’s Travels
Alice in Wonderland
Mary Poppins
A Christmas Carol

When writers write from the heart, our worlds collide into a kaleidoscope of shared experience.

Hookah optional.

Of course, we never step into the same stream, book, or painting twice ~ it’s always New . . . Now.

170px-Alice_par_John_Tenniel_02Why insist on writing only “what we know” when most thoughts and memories flow from fertile imaginations fueled by spools of gossamer threads?

Keep honoring your creative curiosity!

Even if you end up chasing harried white rabbits bewitched by pocket watches.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  You Don’t Know What It’s Like To Be . . . (Behind The Story) * How Jack Daniels Kicked The Bucket (Another Day in Paradise)

Challenging Times December 12, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.
26 comments

Huey,-Dewey-And-LouieHunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days.

He’d been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, “Grandpa, what’s that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?”

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “Well, Hunter, it’s called sexual intercourse.”

“Oh,” Little Hunter said, “OK,” and went back outside to play with the other kids.

Edna-KrabappelA few minutes later he returned and said, “Grandpa, it isn’t called sexual intercourse. It’s called bunk beds! And … Jimmy’s mom wants to talk to you.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Writing Without Distracting November 5, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Humor, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
43 comments

220px-Arthur-Pyle_The_Enchanter_MerlinDiversity of vocabulary and a playful turn of phrase add depth and flavor when they complement the prose without distracting from the missive.

That said, writers who douse paragraph after paragraph with lexicon that is not a natural part of their vocabulary remind me of cooks who over-season food rather than letting it speak for itself.

When a writer writes with thesaurus in hand to impress readers with a depth of vocabulary not possessed in common measure, I lose interest and turn my attention elsewhere.

Not that I’m missed.

Aah . . . that’s better!

But what does our distinguished panel of experts have to say?

Woodstock-&-SnoopyJohn D. MacDonald: My purpose is to entertain myself first and other people secondly.

Blaise Pascal: Anything that is written to please the author is worthless.

Marianne Moore: Any writer overwhelmingly honest about pleasing himself is almost sure to please others.

Samuel Johnson:  Read over your compositions and, when you meet a passage which you think is particularly fine, strike it out.

SnoopyAlfred North Whitehead: A man really writes for an audience of about ten persons. Of course, if others like it, that is clear gain.  But if those ten are satisfied, he is content.

Mickey Spillane:  Those big shot writers . . . could never dig the fact that there are more salted peanuts consumed than caviar.

catlady

Grace Metalious: I’m a lousy writer; a helluva lot of people have got lousy taste.

Snoopy2John Hall Wheelock:  Most writers are in a state of gloom a good deal of the time; they need perpetual reassurance.

Georges Simenon:  Writing is not a profession but a vocation of unhappiness.

Peter De Vries:  I love being a writer.  What I can’t stand is the paperwork.

Related post:  Defending the Chamois (Silver in the Barn)

Definitions September 5, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Word Play.
43 comments

Frog-CircusCOMMITTEE
A body that keeps minutes and wastes hours.

MOSQUITO
An insect that makes you like flies better.

NARCISSIST
Someone who is usually me-deep in conversation.

NAYSAYER
A no-it-all.

SECRET
A story you tell to one person at a time.

180px-Leonardo_Skeleton_1511SKELETON
A bunch of bones with the person scraped off.

TOOTHACHE
The pain that drives you to extraction.

TOMORROW
One of the greatest labor saving devices of today.

YAWN
An honest opinion openly expressed.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)