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How Malapropriate! June 10, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
38 comments

Sometimes mom has a tough time finding the right words to convey her sentiments, resulting in humorous lines along the lines of malapropisms, spoonerisms, or eggcorns.

By way of example, our parting conversation:

“Mom, we’re packing the car and plan to leave this morning.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. . . . (PAUSE) . . . Oh, I think that came out wrong.”

“I know, mom.”

Other times, she nails it!

Case in point:

Mom’s new neurologist, a doctor with LONG black hair cascading down her back, admonished mom to quit smoking, citing health reasons:  “You should quit smoking.  It would be healthier.”

Without missing a beat, mom replied:  “You should cut your hair.  It would look more professional.”

Lecture over!

Aah . . . that’s better!

7 Quick Vignettes From The Road June 5, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Travel & Leisure, Word Play.
19 comments

On June 1st, we returned from a 10-day road trip to Fort Collins, Colorado to visit my 87-year-old mom.  I’ll share more stories and photos from the trip in upcoming posts.

In the meantime, here are 7 Quick Vignettes From The Road:

#1.  Clocking Out . . . 

We arrived at our first hotel (in Valdosta, Georgia), and ran into the tail end of an unfolding drama.

The Front Desk Clerk (who had been waiting on a group of 4-5 “unruly” travelers) stormed out from behind the counter at our approach, glared at a co-worker, and said, “I’m clocking out.”

WHAT?!

His astonished co-worker quickly stepped behind the counter to check us in.

When I asked what had happened, he said he didn’t know.  But he agreed with my initial assessment ~> the guy had QUIT!  On the spot.

Customers might always be right, but desk clerks may respond by “clocking out.”

#2.  Me and Nanny McPhee!

After checking into our room, we decided to explore the premises.

As we walked into the pool area, a toddler in the spa on the far side of the pool called out to me, “We’re swimming in the WARM water!”

A second child chimed in with, “The water in the big pool is COLD.”

The kids continued to regale me with travel tales, tidbits, and trivia . . . as two supervising adults sitting on the sidelines were ignored.

The next morning, as I entered the breakfast room, a third toddler swiveled around in her chair (doing a full 180) to speak with me about a V.I.T. (Very Important Topic) ~> what she planned to eat for breakfast. (Answer:  Fruit Loops!)

I was beginning to feel a bit like Nanny McPhee . . . AFTER her charges had warmed up to her.

In other words, post warts!

This thought solidified a few hours later at Magnolia Plantation ~ a modern day rendition of Stuckey’s, complete with Pecan Logs, Pralined Pecans, Pecan Turtles, and Praline Fudge.

At the front entrance, I saw a young girl sitting on the floor anxious to try on a pair of moccasins.  Her mother (busy combing the stacks of boxes) said, “I’m not sure if they’ll have a pair in your size . . . oh, wait, here’s a pair.”

As the girl beamed up at me, I beamed back and said, “I can’t wait to see what color your moccasins will be.”

Her mom held up a pair of pink moccasins (perfect for a modern day Native American Princess).

I made a parting comment to the tyke (expecting it to be our last interaction), “Oh, pink! They’ll look great on you.”

After admiring all manner of fruit preserves, jams, jellies, and relishes, I began to explore the Souvenir Emporium’s vast collection of Southern Cookbooks (e.g., 365 Ways to Serve Grits & Biscuits).  As I turned pages featuring puddles of butter, the young girl, now clad in pink moccasins, arrived at Cookbook Corner and stationed herself in front of me . . . presumably for inspection.

“At ease, Private!”

Like Nanny McPhee, I’m a child magnet ~> kids love us like biscuits love butter!

#3.  Kill the Lights!

Once we decided on a basic route out to Fort Collins (Florida ~> Georgia ~> Tennessee ~> Kentucky ~> Illinois ~> Missouri ~> Kansas ~> Colorado), I scrolled over the route on my iPad taking screen shots of the “tricky bits” around Macon, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Nashville, St. Louis, Kansas City, etc.).

As the map slid beneath my finger, I saw “Dalton” in Georgia and remembered that one of my college roommates lived in Dalton.

I shot her an e-mail to see if we could hook up with her and her husband for dinner on our way out to Colorado.

She tossed me a generous dose of Southern Hospitality in response, inviting us to stay with them for the night.

So, on night two, we checked into Chez Partain, went for a tour of Dalton (including a behind-the-scenes look at the new courthouse where her husband, a Superior Court Judge, works).

After dinner at Cherokee Pizza and Brewing, we headed back to their place to sip margaritas on the screened porch while watching the Georgia Mountains lit up by an approaching storm.

Aah . . . bliss!

When it came time to turn in for the night, I turned down the comforter and plumped the pillows.  BFF went one further and killed the lights . . . literally!

As he swung his “extra” pillow around to place it on the floor, a resounding *CRASH* signaled that he had knocked over a lamp, smashing the bulb.

#4.  A Missed Opportunity

The next day, as we crossed over the Ohio River from Kentucky to Illinois at noon, I saw a sign for Metropolis . . . the home of Superman.  I recalled having read an article about the town awhile back.  We debated stopping but decided against it because we had driven only 300 miles of the planned 750 miles for the day.

Here is what we missed:

In his various portrayals, Superman resides in a fictional American city named Metropolis, and on January 21, 1972, DC Comics declared Metropolis the “Hometown of Superman.” On June 9, 1972, the Illinois State Legislature passed Resolution 572 that confirmed this, declaring Metropolis the “Hometown of Superman.”

The city has a 30-foot painted bronze statue of Superman which sits in front of the county courthouse, and a statue of Noel Neill‘s Lois Lane from “The Adventure of Superman” stands just a few blocks away.

Each year on the 2nd weekend of June, Superman fans from all over the world gather in Metropolis for their annual Superman Celebration, which features celebrity guests from movies, television, and the comic book industry. The 4-day annual celebration also boasts vendors selling food, comics, homemade crafts, and other merchandise, as well as discussion panels, auctions, a costume contest, and a variety of other events throughout the weekend.

Travel Tip:  If you plan to be near Metropolis next weekend . . . remember to pack your cape!

#5.  Better Than A Buckboard

As we continued to roll on down the highway, our butts grew numb.  Numb butt is a real danger on long distance road trips, requiring frequent stops to regain circulation in the nether regions.

Sometimes we just wander around admiring the view:

Other times we climb rock formations and play Simon Says:

Back in the car with another 1,000 miles to go, we consoled ourselves by playing the “It Could Be Worse” Game:

Instead of covering 2,000 miles in 3 days in an air-conditioned mini-van with ample snacks and padded seats, we could be covering 10 miles a day in a horse-drawn wagon . . . while periodically taking cover from tornadoes, dust storms, and angry Native Americans.

In short, our Toyota Sienna is . . . Better Than A Buckboard.

#6. “¡Arriba, Arriba! ¡Ándale, Ándale!”

The I-70 exit for Arriba, Colorado (which we passed going and coming) made us think of Speedy Gonzales and his catchy catch-phrase:  “¡Arriba, arriba! ¡Ándale, ándale!”

Curious, I decided to check the translation to see if Speedy meant, “Hurry Up!” 

The Spanish Dictionary I consulted concurred with my tentative translation ~> Arriba means “go! or hooray for…!” and ándale means “come on!”  

Close enough!

The dictionary noted that most people aren’t as enthusiastic as Speedy, so they use one or the other, not both.

#7.  Does your conscience bother you?  Tell the truth.

Cats NEVER feel guilty . . . they feel entitled!

We chose a southerly route (Colorado ~> Kansas ~> Oklahoma ~> Arkansas ~> Mississippi ~> Alabama ~> Florida) for the return home.

As we crossed into Alabama from Mississippi, we popped Lynyrd Skynyrd’s One More From the Road into the player.  As Ronnie Van Zant sang about his “Sweet Home Alabama,” I sang along:

“Well, Watergate does not bother me . . . does your conscience bother you?  Tell the truth.”

BFF suggested (with some degree of insistence) that I was singing the wrong lyrics.

Surprised, I asked, “what do you think the right lyrics are?”

“I think they’re singing, ‘Your one-eyed gaze does not bother me . . .’

So, Morgan and Gracie . . . that’s One More From the Road for you!

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Fun With Words ~ Pronunciation Variations April 29, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
30 comments

Lumpus-MooseLearning to speak English is not intuitive.

Words spelled the same are often pronounced differently, and words spelled differently often share a common pronunciation.

Sound, bound, wound . . . but tuned, wound, swooned.

It’s hard to learn to read when we’re told, “just sound it out,” and the sounds are ever shifting . . . even for words spelled exactly the same:

1) The doctor wound the bandage around the wound.

2) The farmer used most of his acreage to produce produce.

3) The overflowing dump had to refuse to accept more refuse.

4) Each week, we polish the Polish furniture.

5) He could lead the way if he would get the lead out.

6) The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

7) There is no time like the present to present a present.

8 ) At the Army base, they painted a bass on the head of a bass drum.

9) When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

10) I did not object to the object.

11) Invalid insurance will do the invalid no good.

12) The oarsmen had a row about how to row.

13) I won!  I am number one!

No matter how long we wonder and ponder, the pronunciation variations of the English language are apt to remain a mystery.

It’s why we love to write . . . right?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Feel free to share a few of your favorite English language idiosyncracies below!

Planet Word February 23, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Travel & Leisure, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
15 comments

For those of you with a love of linguistics . . . Planet Word is on the horizon.

And admission will be FREE!

D.C.’s Franklin School Will Be A Museum of Linguistics

And there is a line of handy dandy Food Trucks outside for inevitable snack attacks in the stacks!

Aah . . . that’s better!

For more about Planet Word: A Message from the Founder

When Nothing Goes Right . . . Go Left January 21, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
40 comments

Food

“I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.”

“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions.  Chocolate understands.”

“I think my soul mate might be carbs.”

“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food!”

IMGP0971

 

Relationships

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”  ~ Lily Tomlin

“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

“Don’t like me?  That’s cool.  I don’t wake up every day to impress you.”

catlady

 

Death

“When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, “I hid the body . . . now what?” ”

“Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

“Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Funny Quotes About Life (Google)

 

Kingston Sun January 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Magick & Mystery, Poetry, Word Play.
14 comments

_0001cI woke up
The tendrils of a dream followed me
With a sound resounding in memory

I listened to the night
All quiet . . . all calm
Save the clock’s constant tick tock

Nothing to disturb my slumber

I turned over
Plumped my pillow
And began my return to Nod

Endeavor interrupted, I surfaced again
To the sound heard first in a dream
My phone’s ring tone – Kingston Sun

This time
The sound resounded
In real time

I got up and fished for my phone in the dark
One “Missed Call” . . .

Just one.

The Cons of ProFlowers December 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Less IS More, Mindfulness, Word Play.
44 comments

I started to order a table top Christmas tree (live) from ProFlowers . . . but they wanted credit card info to pay for the order BEFORE they would reveal the shipping and handling charges.

That bothered me.

I opened a new page to see what I could find out about shipping and handling and the info was very vague . . . between $8 and $25 per shipping address.

Plus a $2.99 handling fee.

Plus a possible shipping and handling surcharge.

I expect many people feel “invested” in the purchase at that point and agree to pay whatever shipping charge appears.

Not me.

I wanted to see the total before I plunked down my credit card info . . . especially since the site was so vague about what the charge might be.

So I backed out of the site without buying anything.

A few days later, I decided to check whether my caution had been warranted.

Donald-DuckaWOW!

I am glad I didn’t complete the purchase at ProFlowers ~ as I read through the reviews I ConCluded that a ProFusion of customers were ConCerned with the ProHibitive add-on charges revealed only after they had ProVided ProFlowers with a ConVenient credit card number.

In some cases, the ConCealed charges, once revealed, DOUBLED the cost of the order!  Other customers complained about the shoddy ConDition of delivered items, mentioning missing vases, bent stems, etc..

I’m ConVinced I’ve never seen so many negative 1* reviews ConGregating together in cyberspace before.

Perhaps ProFlowers has more Cons than Pros.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Seriously, Siri? December 5, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Word Play.
27 comments

Mickey-LoungingA few days before Thanksgiving, when the temps in Florida had dipped below 60 degrees, I decided to check the weather in the islands of the Caribbean.

Since one of my nieces is temporarily stationed in St. Maarten, I started there:

“Siri, what’s the weather in St. Maarten today?

“The weather in St. Maarten is 57 degrees.”

Glancing at the thermometer on my wall, I saw that the outside temperature was 56 degrees.  Odd.

Certain that Siri was wrong, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, I asked:

Mickey-Surfer“Where is St. Maarten?”

Siri pulled up a Google map showing the island of St. Maarten, with the capital city of Philipsburg.  Great!

“Siri, what’s the weather in Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

I watched Siri transcribe what she heard me say ~> an exact match for what I had said.

Satisfied that the failure in communication didn’t stem from my failure to enunciate, I waited for her response.

“OK.  Here’s the weather for Philipsburg, Pennsylvania for today ~ 44 degrees.”

Exercising a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, Siri had changed my request from the island of St. Maarten to the State of Pennsylvania.

I decided to switch tactics.

Mickey-In-Hammock“Siri, where is St. Maarten?”

Once again, Siri pulled up the Google map of the island of St. Maarten.   But when I asked about the weather, Siri continued to insist that the weather in St. Maarten matched the weather outside my door.

I remained unconvinced.

“Siri, is there another St. Maarten?”

“OK, here’s what I found . . .”

With that, Siri pulled up a Google map of Saint Maarten Condominium.

I clicked the map.  The map expanded to reveal that Saint Maarten Condominium is located just south of us in Naples, Florida.  No wonder the temps there were just a few degrees off from the temps right outside my door.

I decided to confirm that Siri’s weather report for St. Maarten coincided with the weather in Naples, Florida.

mr-rossi“Siri, what’s the weather in Naples?”

“OK.  The weather in Naples, Italy is 44 degrees.”

“What’s the weather in Naples, Florida.”

“The weather in Naples, Florida is 57 degrees.”

Mystery solved.

But I didn’t want a weather report for Saint Maarten Condominium in Naples, Florida . . . I still wanted the weather for the island of St. Maarten.

Mickey-OKInstead of continuing the somewhat exhausting exchange with Siri, I went to weather.com and typed in “Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

As expected, the temps there looked awesome!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Snooty Snotty Sneering Snobs! May 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Word Play.
34 comments

The-Pink-PantherI don’t care for snooty attitudes.
People like that just seem snotty to me.

“Here! Have a Kleenex!”

Most of the time, I find snotty attitudes more amusing than upsetting.

Donald-Duck-LaughingIf a snooty snotty sneering snob “looks down on me,” I happily retaliate . . .

By laughing my ass off at them.

Especially if I know their snottitude cost them a commission!

If someone gives you a “hard time” or a “bad review,” do you consider the source before allowing their opinion to ruffle your feathers?

Mickey-OKWe cannot control others.

We can control how we choose to view them . . . with anger or compassion, with amused detachment or frustration.

We can choose NOT to be offended.

Aah . . . that’s better!

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.  ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

Related:  Shopping for Tile: A Tale of Snobbery and Comeuppance (Ally Bean) * How To Thicken Your Skin (RoughWighting)

Piles of Poetic Jello February 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
48 comments

170px-alice_par_john_tenniel_30Wading through descriptive prose that sounds poetic but makes no sense is like trying to climb over a pile of jello.

It’s rarely worth the effort.

When poetic prose adds depth without detracting from the story line, a lilting flow is relaxing and peaceful.

In contrast, when writing causes readers to get mired down deciphering images that make no sense, it’s just nonsense.

And it’s distracting.

Mainspring_wind-up_keysBy way of example:

“I am hypnotized by keys, thick fistfuls of them, I can taste their acid galvanization, more precious than wisdom.”

~ White Oleander, Janet Finch

Blech!

When writing detracts from my enjoyment of a book, I ask myself whether I should forge ahead through the dreck . . . to see if the unseen destination is worth the trek.

The answer is almost always:  Nah!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Dress It Up (El Space)