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When Nothing Goes Right . . . Go Left January 21, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
15 comments

Food

“I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.”

“Chocolate doesn’t ask silly questions.  Chocolate understands.”

“I think my soul mate might be carbs.”

“I won’t be impressed with technology until I can download food!”

IMGP0971

 

Relationships

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”  ~ Lily Tomlin

“Please cancel my subscription to your issues.”

“If I was meant to be controlled, I would have come with a remote.”

“Don’t like me?  That’s cool.  I don’t wake up every day to impress you.”

catlady

 

Death

“When I’m bored, I send a text to a random number saying, “I hid the body . . . now what?” ”

“Many people are alive only because it’s illegal to shoot them.”

“When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” ~ Will Rogers

“Do not take life too seriously.  You will never get out of it alive.” ~ Elbert Hubbard

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Funny Quotes About Life (Google)

 

How to Get to Heaven from Ireland January 14, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
42 comments

A true Story from an Irish Sunday School Teacher:

I was testing children in my Dublin Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting to heaven.

I asked them, “If I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would that get me into heaven?”

“NO!” the children answered.

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the garden, and kept everything tidy, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, the answer was “NO!”

“If I gave sweets to all the children, and loved my husband, would that get me into heaven?”

Again, they all answered “NO!”

I was just bursting with pride for them. I continued, “Then how can I get into heaven?”

A little boy shouted out: “YUV GOTTA BE FOOKN’ DEAD.”

Aah . . . by George, he’s got it!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

 

A Post About Parcel Post January 11, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
25 comments

Pooh-With-MailbagBack in the early days of Parcel Post, people  didn’t just mail their mail . . . they also mailed their children.

Nope.  Not kidding.

I just read about it on Smithsonian and though you might want a peak too:  Special Delivery

Aah . . . going by post is way better than going postal!

A Healthy Level Of Insanity January 7, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
48 comments

Donald-Duck-Diving

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!

2. On all your check stubs, write, “For Sexual Favors.”

3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.

4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water when you go out to eat.

5. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

Happy-Tiger6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream ‘I Won! I Won!’

7. Go into a large department store’s fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles, and yell out, “There’s no paper in here!”

8. Sing along at The Opera.

The-Pink-Panther9. Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go . . ..”

10. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, “Run For Your Lives! They’re Loose!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

It Pays To Be A Restaurant Reviewer! January 4, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Food & Drink, Humor.
36 comments

mr-rossiLast month, we attended an Anniversary Celebration for Tommy Bahamas and received a coupon for $20 off dinner at the restaurant.

Two days before the coupon expired, we stopped for dinner at Tommy Bahamas on our way home from a class at the Apple Store.

BFF ordered Tommy’s World Famous Coconut Shrimp with mango salsa and slaw.  I ordered a Bungalow Salad.

Both arrived in short order with a loaf of fresh from the oven bread.  Which I ate, without worrying about the gluten.

For dessert, BFF ordered a slice of Pina Colada cake . . . and I had a few bites.

Yum!

Woodstock-&-Snoopy2The musician was good and played songs we know and enjoy ~ Buffett, Stray Cats ~ Stray Cats Strut, Chris Isaak ~ Wicked Game, The Doors ~ Light My Fire, Bowie ~ Rebel, Rebel, etc.

Best of all, with the $20 Off coupon, we saved almost 50%!

All in all, an excellent deal . . . but wait, there’s more to this tale.

When we arrived, at 6:45, the maître d’ told us it would be a 45 minute wait.

We decided to eat at the bar.  But after sitting there a few minutes, amid the aroma of stale beer, I decided I’d rather wait for a table.

I went back to the maître d’ to sign up.  He gave me a buzzer, showed me what it would do when our table was ready, and I started to walk back to the bar.

He then said, “Wait!  I’m going to make this happen.  Just go upstairs and tell them to seat you.”

Surprised, I gave him back the buzzer, grabbed BFF, went upstairs and we got a great table for two next to the grand staircase and overlooking the musician.

Perfect!

Mickey-OKBFF wanted to know how I managed it.

I have no idea.

I was carrying my iPad . . . Maybe the maître d’ thought I was a restaurant critic!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Anger ~> From Apathy To Action January 1, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
29 comments

220px-Alice_par_John_Tenniel_27Rainee shared an interesting quote about anger in her recent post on Notable Quotables:

“The world needs anger. The world often continues to allow evil because it isn’t angry enough.”
~ Bede Jarrett

I agreed with Bede.

Anger can be a useful motivator . . . moving us from apathy to action.

Donald-Duck-MadAnd not just to counter evil in the world.

For example, Donald (at left)  is angry that his pants “shrunk” and no longer fit his big fat duck butt.

That anger motivated him to get moving and go for a walk!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Happy New Year!

Good luck with your resolutions, whatever the motivation.

The Irish Priest December 24, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

Donald-Duck-DrivingAn Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut.

The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car. He says “Sir, have you been drinking?”

“Just water” says the priest.

The trooper says “Then why do I smell wine?”

The priest looks at the bottle and says “Good Lord! He’s done it again!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

On Patrol December 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Health & Wellness, Humor.
26 comments

The Longboat Key News shares actual police reports in its weekly paper.  One that caught my attention:

October 29

Illegal Donut Dumping

Officer Cooper made contact with the complainant in the 7100 block of Gulf of Mexico Drive who stated sometime during the night unknown persons dumped several boxes of donuts in the parking lot.  Nothing further to report.

My guess?

220px--Lena_Horne_conserves_fuel_(gas).-,_ca._1941_-_ca._1945_-_NARA_-_535820Someone’s wife found and trashed Someone’s secret stash of donuts which Someone had vowed to give up in order to comply with his wife’s edict that he:

(1) lose weight;
(2) lower his blood sugar;
(3) lower his cholesterol; or
(4) honor his wheat free resolution.

I also expect that Officer Cooper took the evidence into “custody” for safe-keeping.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Seriously, Smiles? December 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Art & Photography, Happiness, Humor, People.
32 comments

grumpy_thinkingIn old photos, dating back to the 1820’s, few subjects smiled.

Some have conjectured that the lack of smiles correlated with the lack of dental care . . . or the long exposure times.

A recent article in TIME magazine suggests that it had more to do with the mores of the day:

Experts say that the deeper reason for the lack of smiles early on is that photography took guidance from pre-existing customs in painting—an art form in which many found grins uncouth and inappropriate for portraiture. Though saints might be depicted with faint smiles, wider smiles were “associated with madness, lewdness, loudness, drunkenness, all sorts of states of being that were not particularly decorous,” says Trumble.

And since most photographs had professional photographers behind the lens, they called the shots:

. . . high-end studio photographers would create an elegant setting and direct the subject how to behave, producing the staid expressions which are so familiar in 19th century photographs. The images they created were formal and befitted the expense of paying to have a portrait made, especially when that portrait might be the only image of someone.

So when did we start smiling in photos?

With the rise of snapshot photography!

“Take the camera out of the professional and put it into the hands of the snapshot photographer and then they can do whatever they want” says Gustavson.

Aah . . . that’s better!

To read more:  Now You Know:  Why Do People Always Look So Serious in Old Photos?

Gesundheit! December 10, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
41 comments

BoobsA man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together.  Afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  She listened with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said,”you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied.  “You just happened to catch my eye.'”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)