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My Long Term Care Plan October 24, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, Life Balance, Sustainable Living.
29 comments

No nursing home for me.  I’ll be checking into a MARRIOTT!

With the average cost for nursing home care being min. $275.00 per day, there is a better way when we get old and gray.

Check in to The FAIRFIELD:

For a combined long-term stay discount and senior discount, it’s $79.00 per night.

Breakfast is included, and some have happy hours In the afternoon.  That leaves $196.00 or more a day for lunch and dinner in any restaurant we want, or room service, laundry, gratuities and special TV movies.

Plus, they provide a spa, swimming pool, a workout room, a lounge and washer dryer, etc.  And most have free toothpaste and razors, and all have free shampoo and soap.  Spread around $10 worth of tips a day and you’ll have the entire staff scrambling to help you.    They’ll treat you like a customer, not a patient.

There’s a city bus stop out front, and seniors ride free.  The handicap bus will also pick you up (if you fake a decent limp).  To meet other nice people, call a church bus on Sundays.

For a change of scenery, take the airport shuttle bus and eat at one of the nice restaurants there.  While you’re at the airport, fly somewhere . . . to keep the cash from building up.

It takes months to get into decent nursing homes.  Marriott will take your reservation . . . today!

And you’re not stuck in one place forever ~ you can move from Marriott to Marriott, or even from city to city.

Want to see Hawaii? They have COURTYARD there too.

TV broken?  Light bulbs need changing?  Need a mattress replaced?  No problem ~ they fix everything, and apologize for the inconvenience.

The Marriott has a night security person and daily room service. The maid checks to see if you are OK.  If not, they’ll call an ambulance . . . or the undertaker!

If you fall and break a hip, Medicare will pay for the hip, and Marriott will upgrade you to a suite for the rest of your life.

And no worries about visits from family. They will always be glad to find you, and probably check in for a few days mini-vacation.

And the grandkids can use the pool.

What more could you ask for?

So, when I reach that golden age,
I’ll face it with a grin.

Aah . . . that’s the ticket!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

 

Not Sure Where To Retire? September 15, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, Life Balance.
13 comments

Not sure where to retire?

Let the stars be your guide:

The City You Should Retire in Based on your Zodiac Sign

Well, I’ll be jiggered . . .

Who knew that retirement planning should include consultation with an astrologer as well as a financial planner?

Not me.

While I often find horoscopes amusing and entertaining, I have never made a major change in the trajectory of my life based upon a daily, weekly, or monthly horoscope.

But there is a first time for everything, right?

If not now, then when?

Caveat:  I have no idea whether your astrology sign will align with the stars’ prediction of a perfect retirement spot for your given predilections, but this article suggests that my decision to retire to the Gulf Coast of Florida was the right move for me.

More specifically, the article encourages those of us born under the sign of Cancer to consider Boca Raton, Florida:

baco raton
iStock / 6381380

Forget what everyone says about you being too emotional or dramatic, Cancer. You’re actually one of the more laid-back signs of the zodiac and have a natural ability to adapt to every phase of life. When it comes to choosing the perfect retirement spot, all you need is a view of the ocean, some nice weather, and delicious food. If spending your golden years reading romance novels on the beach sounds like a dream come true, Boca Raton is the place for you. The laidback Florida city has a go-with-the-flow social scene that’s sure to hit just the right note.

Even though I don’t live in Boca Raton, Sarasota and the surrounding area offers many of the same amenities ~ ocean views, lovely weather, delicious food, and excellent libraries for Beach Reads!

So that’s the good news ~ I located to the best retirement destination for me.

Huzzah!

Now for the bad news:

BFF is a Scorpio and the Stars are sending him to South America.

I hope our long distance romance survives the separation.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Goats Have The Right Idea September 11, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
24 comments

I choked on a carrot this afternoon and as my life flashed before my eyes, I thought, “I bet a donut wouldn’t have done this to me.”

***

I don’t want to adult anymore.  I don’t even want to human.  I want to goat.

No, not gloat . . . goat.

I want to eat all day and head butt anyone who annoys me.

***

Brain:  I can see you’re trying to sleep.

Can I offer you a selection of your worst memories from the last 20 years?

***

If you wait long enough to cook dinner, everyone will just eat cereal.

That’s the first thing we learned in Home Economics.

***

People will stop asking you stupid questions if you answer back in interpretive dance.

You can thank me later.

***

A giraffe’s coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.  Every think about that?

***

My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.

I told him, “I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in a decorative bowl seems really classy.”

IMGP3155b

***

My kids laugh because they think I’m crazy.  I laugh because it’s apt to be hereditary.

catlady

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

Keeping Up With Technology September 9, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
15 comments

Remember the Good Old Days, when you would take a photo of your dinner, mail the film in for processing (after you finished the whole roll), wait for the photos to be developed, and then run around to all your friends’ homes to show them photos of what you had for dinner?

No.

Me neither.

***

Have you ever been in parking lot watching someone haplessly look for their car because they didn’t pay attention to where they parked it? Want to have a little fun with them?

Every time you see them hoist the key fob into the air, honk your horn and flash your lights.

***

Aren’t you glad you were young and stupid BEFORE there were camera phones?

***

I like to make lists.  On paper.  I also like to leave them on my desk so that I can guess what’s on the list when I get to the store.

Fun game.

IMGP2776b

***

I don’t know how to use TikTok . . . but I do know how to write in cursive, do long division, and tell time on clocks with hands.

So I’ve got that going for me.

Image result for we're all here because we're not all there

***

You think you know stress.  When I was a kid, if you missed your favorite TV program, you just missed it.

Forever.

***

These days, we have SMART phones, SMART TVs, SMART refrigerators, SMART thermostats, but our smoke detectors are still dumb.

We need a smoke detector that shuts off when you yell:

I’m Just Cooking!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joan M.)

The Power for Good September 5, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Health & Wellness, Humor, Nature.
23 comments

Our electric company, Florida Power & Light, is a force for good.

2014-12-14 16-11-21_0008

In addition to implementing innovative programs to provide energy to homes using sustainable solar as well as programs which allow consumers to recharge EV’s overnight for a low monthly rate (less than the price of a tank of gas), FPL is helping to protect the American Crocodile:

The American crocodile is primarily a coastal species that ranges from Mexico, Central and South America, the Caribbean and even into South Florida. They are typically a gray/green color and can be found in the fresh/brackish/salt water of river estuaries, coastal lagoons and mangrove swamps where they feed on fish, crustaceans, small mammals, reptiles and birds.

Throughout much of its range, the American crocodile was listed as endangered. FPL partners with federal and state conservation agencies to help with crocodile restoration efforts, resulting in the species being downlisted to threatened status. At [the] Turkey Point Power Plant in southern Miami-Dade County, [FPL has] worked for years to help this species rebound. In fact, the 2021 American crocodile nesting season at the plant resulted in a record-setting 565 hatchlings, establishing a historic success in FPL’s management of the local crocodile population.

This video is a pleasant 7-minute interlude showing stunning scenery and heroic efforts . . . by man AND by mama beast!

Go mom!

To read more:  FPL ~ American Crocodile

On a related note, I read a somewhat bizarre news story this week about someone whose emotional support animal is . . . an alligator!

I kid you not!

No, not a metallic sculpture in the garden.

And not a fluffy gator made of sand, either.

IMGP1566

A real live alligator.

With sharp claws and sharper teeth!

Joseph Henney’s emotional support animal WallyGator goes with him almost everywhere, from the grocery store to walks in the park. They hug each other and sleep in the same bed. WallyGator is an alligator.

“When he turns his nose toward you, that means he expects a kiss,” said Henney, 69, who goes by Joie (pronounced “Joe”) and lives in Jonestown, Pa., about two hours from Philadelphia. “He’s super sweet-natured.”

To read more:  His emotional support animal is an Alligator.

OK, so, I would have to be severely disturbed before I would CHOOSE an alligator, crocodile, or venomous snake as my emotional support animal.

Just saying.

How about you?

If you needed emotional support, could you place your trust in a reptilian crocodilian?

Or would you prefer to cuddle up with a cute kitten?

Do tell.

See you later, Al E Gator.  In a while, Crocodile.

Signs of Fall September 2, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Word Play.
29 comments

We have a white board outside the clubhouse for announcements of interest (or words of encouragement) to the human residents of PBC.

If the birds, the coyotes, the otters, the occasional gator, the raccoons, and the squirrels ever stop to admire Frank’s handiwork, their admiration has taken place without notice by me.

Of course, that’s understandable since there is much I miss these days.

 

Anyway, getting back to the Signs of Fall . . .

On August 31st, we went for our evening bike ride immediately after answering ALL of the questions on Jeopardy.  (And we even got a few answers correct!)

When we reached the clubhouse, the board was blank.  WHAT?  OMG!

We were astonished because the board is never blank.  It may be out-dated, stale, redundant, repetitive, or irrelevant, but it is NEVER blank.

Hmmm . . .

This is one for the record books . . . Frank must have drawn a Blank!

Perhaps he fell down on the job . . .

And came up with nothing!

Perhaps he has a bad case of the grumps . . .

Or he’s lost in a perpetual swirling fog . . .

Or worse.

What if he’s got a bad case of dreaded writer’s block!

Relax.  Breathe.  Free Write.  Repeat.

The next morning, which happened to be September 1st, I biked up to the clubhouse for water aerobics.

As I swung into the parking lot, I saw that the board had been dressed at some point during the last twelve hours.

I breathed a sign of relief.

No longer naked, the board intoned:

MAKE IT A SEPTEMBER TO REMEMBER

How’s that for a Sign of Fall?

How will YOU make it a September to remember?

Do tell . . . I want to steal some of your ideas!

In the meantime . . .

Aah . . . that’s better!

Lawyer Jokes Never Get Old August 13, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
31 comments

Lawyer jokes have been around for eons ~ some date way way back to the works of Shakespeare.

The reason lawyer jokes have staying power is because they are FUNNY.

Forsooth, it’s fun to make fun of attorneys.

Especially the staid and stuffy ones.  And the paunchy pompous ones.  And the . . .

In truth, even attorneys enjoy poking fun at attorneys.

And that’s why lawyer jokes never get old.

First off, despite what “they” say, some questions ARE stupid:

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Witness: “Guess.”

* * *

Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

* * *

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?

Sometimes questions require a bit of clarification . . . in order to avoid speculation:

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

* * *

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

But let us not forget that attorneys are not the only vehicle for levity in the legal arena.

Some defendants aren’t too bright either:

Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

* * *

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

* * *

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”

As every litigator knows, you win some, you lose some:

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

* * *

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought—until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

* * *

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”

“No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

170px-PuckCover

Even Voir Dire (the jury selection process) can offer up moments of levity:

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defence attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theatre,” I responded.

“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defence attorney quipped.

“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Stay Curious May 5, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Magick & Mystery, Mindfulness, People.
19 comments

I think, at a child’s birth, if a mother could ask a fairy godmother to endow it with the most useful gift, that gift should be curiosity.

— Eleanor Roosevelt, former First Lady of the United States

Like Pooh, I’m just curious . . . what do you think?

Would inventors, like Edison and Ford, have invented anything without curiosity?

Would explorers, like Columbus and Magellan, have explored without curiosity?

Would cooks, like Andrew Zimmern, experiment in the kitchen without curiosity?

Would anyone have eaten a lobster without curiosity?

Aah . . . stay curious!

What Day Is It? May 3, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Magick & Mystery, Mindfulness.
14 comments

The Great Courses lecture series is an extensive collection of home study courses in areas of Art, Science, Math, Philosophy, Brain Fitness, etc.  Our local library offers a number of the Great Courses on DVD, often with an accompanying handbook.

One series that contains some FUN “party tricks” is The Secrets of Mental Math, presented by Professor Arthur T. Benjamin (an “engaging, entertaining, and insightful” lecturer).

From Professor Benjamin’s series of 12 lectures on Mental Math, I learned, inter alia, tips on Calendar Calculating.

What’s that, you ask?

Calendar Calculating allows you to determine the day of the week for a specific date without flipping through a calendar.

Note:  Some of you will get a kick out of Calendar Calculating.  Others will wish to stick with a paper calendar to check the day of the week for a given day.  

To each his own.

The basic formula is: Month Code + Date + Year Code (minus multiples of 7) = Day of the Week.

(Month, Day of the Week, and Year Codes are discussed below.)

A quick example:

July 4, 2022 = 5 (month code) + 4 (date) + 6 (year code for 2022) = 15

From that sum, subtract “14” (to eliminate multiples of 7).  The resulting sum of “1” means that July 4th this year will land on a Monday . . . 

Go ahead.  Check your calendar.  We’ll wait.

Huzzah!  A 3-day weekend for those of us in the USA celebrating our independence!

Here’s another example from this year:

October 31, 2022 = 6 (month code) + 31 (date) + 6 (year code) = 43 – 42 = 1 = Monday


Reminder:  Some of you will get a kick out of Calendar Calculating.  Others will wish to stick with a paper calendar to check the day of the week for a given day.  

No judgment from me.

Days of the Week Codes (these are pretty obvious):

Monday = 1
Tuesday = 2
Wednesday = 3
Thursday = 4
Friday = 5
Saturday = 6
Sunday = 7 (or 0 because 7-7 = 0)

In order to perform the calculations quickly, you will need to memorize 12 Month Codes.  It helps to have a quick pneumonic device for each month:

January = 6 (W-I-N-T-E-R has 6 letters) (January = 5 in a leap year)*
February = 2 (2nd month) (February = 1 in a leap year)*
March = 2 (March 2 the beat!)
April = 5 (A-P-R-I-L or F-O-O-L-S has 5 letters)
May = 0 (Hold the May-0)
June = 3 (June B-U-G)
July = 5 (F-I-V-E-R Works!)
August = 1 (“A” is the 1st letter of the alphabet)
September = 4 (F-A-L-L has 4 letters)
October = 6 (T-R-I-C-K-S or T-R-E-A-T-S has 6 letters)
November = 2 (in the US, Thanksgiving = 2-rkey day)
December = 4 (X-M-A-S or L-A-S-T has 4 letters)

*In a leap year, January has a code of 6 – 1 = 5 (because no leap has occurred yet) and February has a code of 2 – 1 = 1 (for the same reason).

Example:  January 1st, 2000 (a leap year) = 5 + 1 + 0 = 6 ~> Saturday!

The “why” behind these code numbers is due to the length of each month.  Since 28 days is a multiple of 7, February and March start on the same day of the week (EXCEPT in a leap year) because February has 28 days (EXCEPT in a leap year).

The rationale for the other months is similar:

March has 31 days which is 3 days longer than 28 so we add 3 to the code for March (2) to calculate that April’s code = 5.

April has 30 days which is 2 days longer than 28 so we add 2 to its code of 5 to get “7” for May.  After subtracting out 7 (to reduce by multiples of 7), May’s code is “0.”

As I noted above:  Some of you will get a kick out of Calendar Calculating.  Others will wish to stick with a paper calendar to check the day of the week for a given day.  I hear ya.  

So does Goofy!

Year Codes

To calculate the Year Code for a specific year, the formula is Year (just the last 2 digits) + Leap Years (divide the year’s last 2 digits by 4 and ignore the remainder) + Year Code for the Century.   The resulting sums are reduced by multiples of 7.  Why?  That’s just the way it is.

Here are the Century Codes:

1600 = 0
1700 = 5
1800 = 3
1900 = 1
2000 = 0

Example:  The year code for 2022 = 22 + 5 (22/4 = 5 leaps)+ 0 (century code) = 27 – 21 (to reduce by multiples of 7) = 6

Just for fun, calculate today’s date to see if it conforms:

May 3, 2022 = 0 (Month Code) + 3 (date) + 6 (year code) = 9 – 7 = 2 and 2 = Tuesday

GO YOU!  You are catching on QUICK!

Note:  Some of you will get a kick out of Calendar Calculating.  Others will wish to stick with a paper calendar to check the day of the week for a given day.  

For those of you who want to dive in . . ..

Here are the year codes for the first 32 years this century:

2001 (1)  2002 (2)  2003 (3)  2004 (5)  2005 (6)  2006 (0)  2007 (1)  2008 (3)

2009 (4)  2010 (5)  2011 (6)  2012 (1)  2013 (2)  2014 (3)  2015 (4)  2016 (6)

2017 (0)  2018 (1)  2019 (2)  2020 (4)  2021 (5)  2022 (6)  2023 (0)  2024 (2)

2025 (3)  2026 (4)  2027 (5)  2028 (0)  2029 (1)  2030 (2)  2031 (3)  2032 (5)

Since year codes repeat every 28 years (from 1901 through 2099), for years like 2030, you can delete multiples of 28 to make mental calculations easier:

October 31, 2030 = 6 + 31 + 2 (year code)= 39 – 35 = 4 = Thursday

The same is true for the last century ~ reduce the year (1998) by multiples of 28:

1998 – 28 = 1970 – 28 = 1942 – 28 = 1914

Due to the repeating nature of year codes, July 4, 1998 fell on the same day of the week as July 4, 1970, July 4, 1942, and July 4, 1914.

As a result, it’s easiest to reduce to 1914 first and then calculate the year code:

14 (year) + 3 (14 / 4 = 3 leaps) + 1 (century code for 1900) = 18 – 14 = 4 is the year code for 1914 . . . as well as for 1942 & 1970 & 1998.

And that makes sense:

If the year code for 1998 = 4 . . . then the code for 1999 = 5 . . . and the code for 2000 (a leap year) = 5 + 2 = 7 – 7 (to reduce by multiples of 7) = 0 and we know that’s correct since we know that the year code for 2000 is 0.

Returning to our Calendar Calculation, you’ll be happy to know that July 4, 1998 fell on a Saturday:

5 (Month Code) + 4 (Date) + 4 (Year Code) = 13 – 7 = 6 = Saturday!

You are getting the hang of this!  Take a bow!

The year codes repeat every 28 years (from 1901 through 2099) because the calendar shifts 28 times for the years PLUS 7 times for the leap years:  28 + 7 = 35.  Since 35 is a multiple of 7, the days of the week stay the same.

1900 and 2100 are NOT leap years.

Quick Tip:  To perform Calendar Calculations as a party trick using Mental Math, start by calculating the Year Code before asking for the Month and date.

If someone born on December 25, 1960 wants you to calculate the day of the week they were born, ask for the Year first:

Year code = 1960 – 28 – 28 = 1904 = 4 + 1 (leap) + 1 (century code) = 6

December 25, 1960 = 4 + 25 + 6 = 35 – 35 = 0 = Sunday

And, if they’re wondering, being born on a Sunday is good news (at least for those of certain religious persuasions):

Monday’s child is fair of face
Tuesday’s child is full of grace
Wednesday’s child is full of woe 
Thursday’s child has far to go
Friday’s child is loving and giving
Saturday’s child has to work for a living
And the child who is born on the Sabbath Day, is bonny, blithe, good and gay.

OK, that’s it.

Go forth and calculate!

Foot Note:  Some of you will get a kick out of Calendar Calculating.  Others will wish to stick with a paper calendar to check the day of the week for a given day.  

Mickey is OK with that.  So am I!

Aah . . . Math is FUN-da-mental!

I’ve Got Dibs! May 1, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Music & Dance.
20 comments

I’ve been ignoring blog maintenance since Easter.

When I went to the Spam Filter to toss out the trash, I found it populated with 237+ Spam Messages, predominantly from the Dibs.

More specifically, I found multiple messages from William Dib, Mark Dib, Ugo Dib, Wim Dib, Paul Dib, and Ash Dib.

As well as multiple messages from Lisa Dib, Boo Dib, Mary Dib, Jane Dib, Mia Dib, Ivy Dib.

Suffice it to say, I’ve got Dibs on anything I want for the foreseeable future:

To call dibs, you usually actually say (or shout) dibs, especially while mentioning the thing you’re claiming, as in Dibs on the last slice of pizza! If you’ve got dibs, you consider yourself to have the right to the thing that you’ve made a claim to. Dibs is very informal and is mostly used by kids.

Here’s someone else who’s calling Dibs:

Aah . . . that’s better!