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Ramblings of a Retired Mind March 21, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, People.
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46 comments

grumpy_thinking

(1) You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

(2) The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

(3) Old age => you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Mr-Rossi(4) If you live long enough, you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

(5) Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way => I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

(6) Next time you complete a form that asks who to call in an emergency, fill in the blank with . . . “an ambulance.”

(7) The older we get, the more often things go missing.  I’ve found that the easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

James-the-Cat

(8) You know how when first time visitors see a cat litter box, they say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”

Next time I’m going to respond, “No, it’s for company.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Not My Monkey, Not My Circus! March 17, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
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61 comments

monkeysSometimes the illusion of peace in relationships stems from allowing someone else to call ALL the shots while we bite our tongues.

Even then determined drama queens find ways to stir up the dust.

Over time, I’ve gotten better at shrugging off the weight of their disapproval, side-stepping unnecessary conflict, and ignoring de bait.

If necessary, I repeat the mantra:

Not my monkey, not my circus!

Aah . . . that’s better!

How are you at side-stepping determined drama queens?

Related post:  Taming The Mammoth ~ Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think (Wait But Why)

Tips On Speaking March 14, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , , ,
53 comments

alice26thFill your speech with the 7 deadly sins (Gossip, Judging, Negativity, Complaining, Excuses, Embroidering/ Exaggerating/ Lying, and Dogmatism) and people tend to tune out.

Focus on Honesty, Authenticity, Integrity, and Love and they tune in.

In Fight On The Plane, Nicki Chen shares an example of conflict sparking a real (if somewhat heated) exchange between two fellow passengers.

When they dropped their masks . . . honesty, authenticity, integrity, and even love peeked through.

Of course, it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it.  A few tools to play with ~ Register, Timbre, Prosody, Pace, Silence, Pitch, and Volume.

For still more tips, have a listen to Julian Treasure as he plays a masterful instrument . . . the human voice:

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

 

How’s Your Backhand? March 7, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
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63 comments

Goofy-Riding-A-BikeTwo young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?’

‘Eight’, the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’

The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

Swimming“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.  “How’s that?”

“We saw on TV that if you buy these you can swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those things.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Skeletons In A Cryptic Crypt March 3, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Politics, Word Play.
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36 comments

180px-Leonardo_Skeleton_1511A quest in the quire for the bones of the squire

A quick question posed to the right quarters

A quizzical quip about the queen’s mingled bedfellows

Is she queen consort . . . or consorting quean?

Inquiring minds want to get to the bottom of this box of bones!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  A Box of Bones (Kate Shrewsday)

London’s history overflows with quires, squires, inquiries, quips, quests, inquests, and queens.  To learn more lore, you might wade into London by Edward Rutherfurd ~ “a glorious pageant spanning two thousand years.”

Not enough time to ingest a thousand pages spanning two thousand years on the Thames?  Swing by L. Marie’s blog for my guest post set in a Scottish pub ~> The Stanton Effect: Building to the Punchline.

Virtual Reality: Battle of the Sexes February 28, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, People.
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48 comments

Betty-Boop

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it’s either a new car or a new wife. – Prince Philip

The only reason they say ‘Women and children first’ is to test the strength of the lifeboats. – Jean Kerr

I’ve been married to a communist and a fascist, and neither would take out the garbage. – Zsa Zsa Gabor

Home cooking ~> Where many a man thinks his wife is. – Jimmy Durante

3D-Cow

Men are like linoleum floors. Lay ‘em right and you can walk all over them for thirty years. – Betsy Salkind

A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle. – Irina Dunn

Q. “Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?”
A. “Why buy the pig if all you want is a little sausage?”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

March 2nd: I’m guest posting on L. Marie’s blog as part of her series ~ The Stanton Effect: Inspiration From A TED Talk.

Here’s the link:  The Stanton Effect:  Building to the Punchline

And The Oscar Goes To . . . Coral Reef! February 23, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
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36 comments

This video landed in my mailbox last week and made me laugh out loud.

If we are to believe Jackie Jordan . . . Coral Reef is a true Renaissance Color!

It’s vibrant, uplifting, buoyant, spirited, and joyful . . . with botanical notes . . . and a vintage spirit . . . “something we are truly craving today.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need someone else telling me what color to paint my living room.

Aah . . . that’s better!

The Worst First Date February 21, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature, People.
Tags: , , ,
52 comments

Brian-Oh-NoWhen Jay Leno asked audience members to share embarrassing first dates, this story took the prize:

I had the worst first date ever.  My date took me skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.  The outing was fun, until we started for home.

Driving down the mountain, an hour away from the nearest rest room, in the middle of nowhere, nature called.

I realized I should NOT have had that extra latte.

After holding it as long as I could, I asked him to stop the car so I could go beside the road.  As soon as the car stopped, I jumped out, ran behind the car, yanked my pants down, rested my butt against the rear fender, and let go.

My date stood at the side of the car watching for traffic.

TimonDespite the embarrassing nature of the situation, all I could think about was the relief I felt.  Finished, I bent to pull up my pants and discovered my cheeks were glued to the car’s fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to metal flagpoles came to mind as I attempted to disengage my exposed flesh from the icy perch.

When I told my date I needed assistance, he came around the car and burst out laughing at the sight of me freezing my butt off!

After we stopped laughing, we figured out the best way to free me . . . I looked the other way while he unzipped his pants and peed my butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed with laughter, Leno said, “This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.”

Mickey-and-Minnie-kissHow did the date end?

Her date became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Has a first date ever pissed you off?  :mrgreen:

Related articles:  Frozen Assets (Snopes) * Rumors (TruthorFiction.com)

Something’s Screwy With This Key February 14, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
61 comments

SnoopyA woman in her early forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key placed on the back of a woman’s head can be turned to tighten her skin to create the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”

Over the years, the woman tightened the key with wonderful results – the woman remained young and vibrant looking.

Woodstock-&-Snoopy3After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“For 15 years, everything has worked fine. I’d turn the key and love the result. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems.  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She nodded. “No point asking about the beard then . . .”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

Virtual Reality: Fame & Fortune February 7, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , , ,
44 comments

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

Donald-DirectorHollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

No man is a failure who is enjoying life. ~ William Feather

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

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