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Gesundheit! December 10, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
29 comments

BoobsA man was dining alone in a fancy restaurant and there was a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table.  He had been checking her out since he sat down, but lacked the nerve to talk with her.

Suddenly she sneezed, and her glass eye came flying out of its socket towards the man. He reached out, grabbed it out of the air, and handed it back.

“Oh my, I am so sorry,” the woman said as she popped her eye back in place. “Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you.”

They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together.  Afterwards they went to the theatre followed by drinks.  They talked, they laughed, she shared her deepest dreams and he shared his.  She listened with interest.  After paying for everything, she asked him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast.

They had a wonderful, wonderful time.

The next morning, she cooked a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy was amazed. Everything had been so incredible!

“You know,” he said,”you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?”

“No,” she replied.  “You just happened to catch my eye.'”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Seriously, Spam? December 7, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, People.
32 comments

While taking out the Cyber Trash this week, I stumbled upon this gem in my Spam Folder:

448px-Alice_05a-1116x1492Did you just create your new Facebook page? Do you want your page to look a little more “established”? I found a service that can help you with that.

They can send organic and 100% real likes and followers to your social pages and you can try before you buy with their free trial. Their service is completely safe and they send all likes to your page naturally and over time so nobody will suspect that you bought them.

The comment ended with a link to who-knows-where.

Unlike Alice, I didn’t wish to explore that particular rabbit hole.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Seriously, Siri? December 5, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Word Play.
27 comments

Mickey-LoungingA few days before Thanksgiving, when the temps in Florida had dipped below 60 degrees, I decided to check the weather in the islands of the Caribbean.

Since one of my nieces is temporarily stationed in St. Maarten, I started there:

“Siri, what’s the weather in St. Maarten today?

“The weather in St. Maarten is 57 degrees.”

Glancing at the thermometer on my wall, I saw that the outside temperature was 56 degrees.  Odd.

Certain that Siri was wrong, but giving her the benefit of the doubt, I asked:

Mickey-Surfer“Where is St. Maarten?”

Siri pulled up a Google map showing the island of St. Maarten, with the capital city of Philipsburg.  Great!

“Siri, what’s the weather in Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

I watched Siri transcribe what she heard me say ~> an exact match for what I had said.

Satisfied that the failure in communication didn’t stem from my failure to enunciate, I waited for her response.

“OK.  Here’s the weather for Philipsburg, Pennsylvania for today ~ 44 degrees.”

Exercising a woman’s prerogative to change her mind, Siri had changed my request from the island of St. Maarten to the State of Pennsylvania.

I decided to switch tactics.

Mickey-In-Hammock“Siri, where is St. Maarten?”

Once again, Siri pulled up the Google map of the island of St. Maarten.   But when I asked about the weather, Siri continued to insist that the weather in St. Maarten matched the weather outside my door.

I remained unconvinced.

“Siri, is there another St. Maarten?”

“OK, here’s what I found . . .”

With that, Siri pulled up a Google map of Saint Maarten Condominium.

I clicked the map.  The map expanded to reveal that Saint Maarten Condominium is located just south of us in Naples, Florida.  No wonder the temps there were just a few degrees off from the temps right outside my door.

I decided to confirm that Siri’s weather report for St. Maarten coincided with the weather in Naples, Florida.

mr-rossi“Siri, what’s the weather in Naples?”

“OK.  The weather in Naples, Italy is 44 degrees.”

“What’s the weather in Naples, Florida.”

“The weather in Naples, Florida is 57 degrees.”

Mystery solved.

But I didn’t want a weather report for Saint Maarten Condominium in Naples, Florida . . . I still wanted the weather for the island of St. Maarten.

Mickey-OKInstead of continuing the somewhat exhausting exchange with Siri, I went to weather.com and typed in “Philipsburg, St. Maarten.”

As expected, the temps there looked awesome!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Hillary & Donald Fishing December 3, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
30 comments

Chinaman-fishingHow do you settle a presidential election when the vote is too close to call?  With a fishing contest in northern Wisconsin in January, of course!

After the final votes were counted, Hillary and Donald were deadlocked.  Instead of going through a recount, they agreed to a week-long ice fishing contest to settle the election. Whoever caught the most fish at the end of the week would be the President.

They decided that a remote frozen lake in northern Wisconsin would be the ideal place.  No observers on the fishing grounds, but both would need to have their catches verified and counted each night at 5 pm.

After Day 1, Trump returned with a total of 10 fish, Hillary came back with nothing.  Day 2 finished, and Trump caught another 20 fish, but Hillary once again came back with nothing.

That night, Hillary accused Trump of being a “low-life, cheating son-of-a-gun.” Instead of fishing on Day 3, she decided to follow him to see where he was getting the fish.

Day 3 finished up and Trump added an incredible 50 fish to his total!

The-Pink-PantherWhen Hilary said she wanted to protest his catch, the officials responsible for verifying the count said, “On what grounds?”

“He’s cheating!  He’s been cutting holes in the ice!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Expect Wrinkles! November 29, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Life Balance.
30 comments

While discussing the holidays with a fellow bridge player, she mentioned that she used to spend four hours (4!!!) ironing her tablecloth for Thanksgiving (and other Holiday meals).

img_0037

“Yowsa!  What took so long?”

“To keep it off the floor, I had to drape it over the backs of chairs.  As I ironed one section, another section got wrinkled.”

“Gotcha.  I gotta say that I do NOT have that type of attention to detail when setting the stage for the Thanksgiving feast.”

“You don’t?”

“Nope.  I just accept that there will be wrinkles.”

img_0044

Notice how smiles around the table make the wrinkles disappear?

img_0050

If you come to my house for a holiday meal, expect wrinkles . . . and smiles!

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Aye, Laddie, It’s A Real Kilt Lifter! November 26, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
38 comments

Looking for a grand guffaw?  Here’s one that’s a real kilt lifter:

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress.  A sign read: “Don’t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman.”

The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.

There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it.  Standing next to it was an old Scotsman.  Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed the walnuts with three mighty swings!

The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.

Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign “Don’t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman.”

He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.

Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild!

Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.

“You’re incredible!” he told the Scotsman. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?”

“Well laddie,” said the Scot, “Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Teaching Old Birds New Tricks! November 23, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Joke.
26 comments

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.

Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.

John tried to change the bird’s attitude by saying only polite words, playing soft music, and encouraging the bird to “clean up” its vocabulary.

Finally, John had enough and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back.  John shook the parrot.  In response, the parrot got angrier and even ruder.

John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.

Then, nothing.  Total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.

Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John threw open the door to the freezer.

The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”

John was stunned at the transformation in the bird’s attitude.

As John was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic shift in his attitude, the bird said, “May I ask what the turkey did?”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  e-mail from unknown author

To those in the States ~>  HAPPY (almost) THANKSGIVING!  

I am grateful for what I am and have. 
My thanksgiving is perpetual . . .  
O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches. 
No run on my bank can drain it 
for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.

~ Henry David Thoreau

Sniffer’s Search Turns To $&*%! November 19, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Joke.
22 comments

AirplaneA man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when a second man sat down in the aisle seat; his black Labrador Retriever hopped into the middle seat next to the first man.

Surprised, the first man said, “I didn’t know dogs were allowed to fly in passenger seats.”

“I’m from the DEA, the Drugs Enforcement Agency.  Sniffer is a sniffing dog and he’s the best there is. Once we get airborne, I’ll put him to work.”

The plane took off.  As soon as it leveled out, the DEA agent said, “Sniffer . . . SEARCH.”

Sniffer jumped down, walked a few steps down the aisle, and sat next to a woman for several seconds.  The dog then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.

Marijuana“Good boy.” The agent turned to his seat mate and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”

“Gee, that’s pretty good.”

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.

The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, and returned to its seat. This time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.

“That man is carrying cocaine. I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”

“Impressive!”

“Sniffer . . . SEARCH.”

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a short time, sat down for no more than a few seconds, and then came racing back to the agent.

Goofy-SurprisedThis time he jumped into his seat and took a dump.

The first man said, “OMG!  Shit!  That’s disgusting!  WTF?”

“Crap . . . he found a bomb.”

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

 

 

A Well-Planned Retirement November 12, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
34 comments

From The London Times:

Donald-Duck-DrivingOutside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant …

The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).

Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.

The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.

Mickey-In-HammockMeanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.

Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to over $5 million dollars . . . and no one even knows his name.

Aah . . . That’s the ticket!

Source:  E-mail from Kate Crimmons (Thanks, Kate!)

Snopes reports that this Urban Legend is . . . False.  But a girl can dream, right?

iThink . . . iCan . . . November 5, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Less IS More, Writing & Writers.
41 comments

Apple-Logo-in-YellowThis is the first blog post I’ve written on my iPad mini . . . utilizing a Lilliputian keyboard.

It’s the first Apple product I’ve ever owned.

It’s the first time I’ve done any “serious writing” (ha!) on a diminutive keyboard.

It’s the first time I couldn’t rely on my able mouse to help me highlight, cut, paste, and otherwise edit my musings.

What should you expect?

That it will take me twice as long to say half as much.

300px-Escher's_Relativity

Aah . . . that’s better!