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Interesting Observations About Balls July 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
14 comments

1. The sport of choice for the urban poor is BASKETBALL.

2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is BOWLING.

3. The sport of choice for front-line workers is FOOTBALL.

4. The sport of choice for supervisors is BASEBALL.

5. The sport of choice for middle management is TENNIS.

And…

6. The sport of choice for corporate executives and officers is GOLF.

THE AMAZING CONCLUSION:

The higher you go in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become. There must be a boat load of people in Washington playing marbles.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

My Birthday Crown July 15, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Health & Wellness, Humor.
29 comments

I’ve long been purr-suaded that everyone should be Queen (or King) for a day . . . at least once a year.

That’s what Birthdays are all about, right?

This year’s birthday celebration got off to a great start.

BFF & I went out for lunch to Ella’s Greek ~> Spanakopita, Greek Salad, Lentil Soup, Fries . . . and Baklava!

Baklava = my birthday “cake.”

After lunch, we went to an exhibit at the library and shopped at the just-opened Goodwill Art & Book Store.  After purr-using the racks, I purr-chased a copy of “Universal Orlando” so we can read up on Hogswarts and Hogsmeade before we buy passes to park hop on the Hogswart’s Express.

Later that afternoon, I received a fun e-mail from my nephew with a link to this dancing zebra kicking up its hoofs:

Zebras crack me up!

That evening, after a delicious dinner, I watched a movie, popped some popcorn, and . . . cracked a tooth. Didn’t realize it until I got in bed and my tongue found a hole in my mouth where tooth used to be.

Hey, wait! . . . maybe the tooth cracked while I was cracking up at the dancing zebra?  

Maybe dancing zebras aren’t all they are cracked up to be!   

The next day, I called the dentist to schedule a repair ~>  I’ll receive my “Birthday Crown” on Monday.

In the meantime, I’m NOT in any pain.  Yay!

It would be hard to maintain my Cheshire Grin if I were grimacing in pain due to a tooth that’s MIA and/or AWOL.

In the future, I’ll watch what I wish for ~>No more Queen for the Day!

After receiving this crown, I’m abdicating the throne!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Decisions, Decisions July 8, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
19 comments

Donald wanted to get married.

Since he was having trouble choosing among three candidates, he gave each woman $5,000 to see what they would do with the money.

Julie does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy beauty salon, gets her hair done, new makeup; buys several new outfits and dresses up very nicely for him. She tells Donald that she has done this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

Donald is pleased.

Teri goes shopping to buy Donald gifts. She gets him a new set of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive clothes.

As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent all the money on him because she loves him so much.

Donald is touched.

Pam invests the money in the stock market She earns several times the $5,000. She gives him back his $5,000 and reinvests the remainder in a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future because she loves him so much.

Donald is impressed.

After considering what each woman did with the money, Donald decides to marry Merry . . . the waitress from Hooters who always screws up his order!

Men are like that, you know.

On a related note:

There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer’s research.  This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and no idea what to do with them.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

The Lawyer July 1, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
22 comments

One afternoon a lawyer was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass.

Curious, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate.

He approached the men and asked, “Why are you eating grass ?”

“We don’t have any money for food,” the first man replied. “We have to eat grass.”

The second man nodded.

The lawyer smiled, “Come with me to my house and I’ll feed you both.”

“But, sir, I have a wife and two children. They’re over there eating grass under that tree.”

The second man nodded, “I also have a wife and children right over there.”

The lawyer waved his hand, “Bring them all!”

So everyone piled into the lawyer’s limousine.

Once under way, one of the men turned to the lawyer and said, “Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.”

The lawyer replied, “Glad to do it.  You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Are You Tripping?! June 27, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Nature, Travel & Leisure.
29 comments

Wherever You Go . . . There You Are

On the ride out, we took 4 days to drive 1972 miles.

On the return trip, we drove 2005.4 miles in 3 days ~> 486.6 miles + 766 miles + 752.8+ miles.

Surprisingly enough, I found sitting for mile after mile rather “meditative.”

It helped that most of the roads “out west” aren’t clogged traffic arteries like on the east coast.

Time is relative.  

Heading out, time changes from Eastern to Central to Mountain time gained us an hour on two different days ~ allowing us to leave late and arrive early. Lovely!

Heading back, we lost those hours . . . meaning that even though we left early, we arrived later than expected.

We are NOT minimalists on the road.

Before leaving, we followed the 3 P’s ~> packing, planning, preparation.  Did a hold on the mail.  Added minutes to the cell phone.  Charged up phone & iPad.  Packed most of our clothes . . . and ample food.

What?!  It’s a L~O~N~G drive so we need S~N~A~C~K~S!  Tropical drink

Georgia Troopers Mean Business

Right before we arrived in Dalton, traffic came to a stand still.

As we crept along at 2 mph, we saw flashing lights ahead.  Then more flashing lights.  Then a few more for good measure.

Arriving at the scene of the accident, we saw 11 police cars surrounding a sedan that had been pushed into the concrete divider by a cop car.

Problem solved!

The Difference Between Being Religious & Being Spiritual

Over margaritas, Pam shared a thought her minister had shared with her:

Religion is sitting in church thinking about kayaking.

Spirituality is sitting in a kayak contemplating a Higher Power.

Ohm . . .

Life is better with laughter.

In order to maintain a sense of humor during our visit, I picked just the right coffee mug to start each day:

“Life is too important to be taken seriously.” ~ Oscar Wilde

Quotes like that remind me to look at the light side of life!

Sharing with Stranger at the Breakfast Bar

At one of the hotels we stayed at, BFF got into a conversation at the breakfast buffet with a woman who was meeting with lawyers later that day.

When I overheard her say, “Lawyers make me nervous,” I tuned in to see whether BFF would reply, “I know.  I never should have married one!”

Actually, the whole conversation was a bit odd since BFF doesn’t normally share his time with strangers.  Especially not before breakfast!

This might just be stupidity talking . . . 

Our last day, we were anxious to Be Home and getting a bit punchy.  Everything seemed a bit funnier than usual.

*As open fields gave way to kudzu covered trees, I made an astute observation.  “Kudzu is just creep-y!”

*A few minutes later, Route 123 split off from Route 231, and I thought how tough a route change like that must be on someone with dyslexia.

*As we crossed into Florida at 2:30 pm (with another 6-7 hours of drive time ahead of us), I grinned at the thought of being HOME.  A minute later, BFF (who had done ALL the driving) groaned with fatigue when I said, “This might just be stupidity talking . . . but if we get home by 10, I probably want to unpack the car.”

She Remembers!

A few days after we got home, my sister spoke with mom; mom remembered that we visited!

Yay!  Some days she doesn’t even remember whether she had lunch . . .

Aah . . . that’s better!

Signs of the Times June 24, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Nature, Travel & Leisure.
24 comments

Weather often determines whether travel is smooth sailing or slow going.  On the way out west, the wet & wooly weather left us feeling a bit water-logged.

We had brief respites as the sun struggled to shine through layers of cloud cover.

Of course, the “soggy” weather had an upside ~> we weren’t tempted to stop too much.

The morning we left GA, a twister touched down in Dalton.  After hearing that, we watched the skies with increased intensity, searching for signs.

No, NOT that kind of sign.

We had our eyes peeled for signs of wicked windy weather ahead.

And we saw lots of it.

Lucky for us, we didn’t run into a deluge.

Instead, the rain mostly spit at us.

While offering sobering hints of what lay ahead.

No matter how fast we drove, we couldn’t escape the clouds.

But every time it seemed we were headed straight into harm’s way, the road shifted, steering us clear of danger.

Eventually a sign for Fort Collins came into view.

With relief, we headed north where the weather improved.

For most of our stay, we enjoyed sunny skies punctuated by short showers.

As we left for home, we enjoyed one last look at the Rockies . . . under Blue, Blue Skies!

With better weather ahead and over head, we looked for other signs.

The Lost Pizza Company in Tupelo, Mississippi did not disappoint.

STOP!  Those shades look FAB on you!

“Why thank you.  Thank you very much!”

Everywhere we looked, we saw signs that made us smile.

The Lost Pizza Company is . . . Like No Place Else.

We also enjoyed the signs at Busy Bee in Live Oak, Florida.

Including the sign advertising Clean Potties.

BTW:  The sign was spot on . . . the bathroom was spot less.

But our favorite sign appeared at the Florida Welcome Center, where we stopped for a shot of fresh Florida orange juice.

After all . . . there’s No Place Like Home!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Are You Quizzing Me?! June 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Joke.
29 comments

It’s interesting to see how desperate some writers are to have us click on posts, articles, and other flotsam and jetsam.

Often, the manufactured titles are downright insulting.

This week I received one of the stupidest quiz “opportunities” ever:

Which Frank Lloyd Wright Building Are You?

If you’ve ever wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes your personality, wonder no longer! This quiz is sure to dig deep into your psyche and pull out a connection you may be unaware you have with one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

I didn’t bother to take the quiz because . . .

(1) I am NOT a Frank Lloyd Wright building.

(2) I have never wondered which Frank Lloyd Wright-designed home or building best describes my personality.

(3) I don’t need to dig deep into my psyche to pull out an imaginary connection to one of Wright’s many architectural feats.

But the quiz did serve a purpose ~> blog fodder!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Have you ever wondered if you are unaware of a connection your psyche has with a building?  A car?  A toaster?  A coffee maker?  A bridge?

Me neither.

How Malapropriate! June 10, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
38 comments

Sometimes mom has a tough time finding the right words to convey her sentiments, resulting in humorous lines along the lines of malapropisms, spoonerisms, or eggcorns.

By way of example, our parting conversation:

“Mom, we’re packing the car and plan to leave this morning.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m sorry. . . . (PAUSE) . . . Oh, I think that came out wrong.”

“I know, mom.”

Other times, she nails it!

Case in point:

Mom’s new neurologist, a doctor with LONG black hair cascading down her back, admonished mom to quit smoking, citing health reasons:  “You should quit smoking.  It would be healthier.”

Without missing a beat, mom replied:  “You should cut your hair.  It would look more professional.”

Lecture over!

Aah . . . that’s better!

7 Quick Vignettes From The Road June 5, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Travel & Leisure, Word Play.
19 comments

On June 1st, we returned from a 10-day road trip to Fort Collins, Colorado to visit my 87-year-old mom.  I’ll share more stories and photos from the trip in upcoming posts.

In the meantime, here are 7 Quick Vignettes From The Road:

#1.  Clocking Out . . . 

We arrived at our first hotel (in Valdosta, Georgia), and ran into the tail end of an unfolding drama.

The Front Desk Clerk (who had been waiting on a group of 4-5 “unruly” travelers) stormed out from behind the counter at our approach, glared at a co-worker, and said, “I’m clocking out.”

WHAT?!

His astonished co-worker quickly stepped behind the counter to check us in.

When I asked what had happened, he said he didn’t know.  But he agreed with my initial assessment ~> the guy had QUIT!  On the spot.

Customers might always be right, but desk clerks may respond by “clocking out.”

#2.  Me and Nanny McPhee!

After checking into our room, we decided to explore the premises.

As we walked into the pool area, a toddler in the spa on the far side of the pool called out to me, “We’re swimming in the WARM water!”

A second child chimed in with, “The water in the big pool is COLD.”

The kids continued to regale me with travel tales, tidbits, and trivia . . . as two supervising adults sitting on the sidelines were ignored.

The next morning, as I entered the breakfast room, a third toddler swiveled around in her chair (doing a full 180) to speak with me about a V.I.T. (Very Important Topic) ~> what she planned to eat for breakfast. (Answer:  Fruit Loops!)

I was beginning to feel a bit like Nanny McPhee . . . AFTER her charges had warmed up to her.

In other words, post warts!

This thought solidified a few hours later at Magnolia Plantation ~ a modern day rendition of Stuckey’s, complete with Pecan Logs, Pralined Pecans, Pecan Turtles, and Praline Fudge.

At the front entrance, I saw a young girl sitting on the floor anxious to try on a pair of moccasins.  Her mother (busy combing the stacks of boxes) said, “I’m not sure if they’ll have a pair in your size . . . oh, wait, here’s a pair.”

As the girl beamed up at me, I beamed back and said, “I can’t wait to see what color your moccasins will be.”

Her mom held up a pair of pink moccasins (perfect for a modern day Native American Princess).

I made a parting comment to the tyke (expecting it to be our last interaction), “Oh, pink! They’ll look great on you.”

After admiring all manner of fruit preserves, jams, jellies, and relishes, I began to explore the Souvenir Emporium’s vast collection of Southern Cookbooks (e.g., 365 Ways to Serve Grits & Biscuits).  As I turned pages featuring puddles of butter, the young girl, now clad in pink moccasins, arrived at Cookbook Corner and stationed herself in front of me . . . presumably for inspection.

“At ease, Private!”

Like Nanny McPhee, I’m a child magnet ~> kids love us like biscuits love butter!

#3.  Kill the Lights!

Once we decided on a basic route out to Fort Collins (Florida ~> Georgia ~> Tennessee ~> Kentucky ~> Illinois ~> Missouri ~> Kansas ~> Colorado), I scrolled over the route on my iPad taking screen shots of the “tricky bits” around Macon, Atlanta, Chattanooga, Nashville, St. Louis, Kansas City, etc.).

As the map slid beneath my finger, I saw “Dalton” in Georgia and remembered that one of my college roommates lived in Dalton.

I shot her an e-mail to see if we could hook up with her and her husband for dinner on our way out to Colorado.

She tossed me a generous dose of Southern Hospitality in response, inviting us to stay with them for the night.

So, on night two, we checked into Chez Partain, went for a tour of Dalton (including a behind-the-scenes look at the new courthouse where her husband, a Superior Court Judge, works).

After dinner at Cherokee Pizza and Brewing, we headed back to their place to sip margaritas on the screened porch while watching the Georgia Mountains lit up by an approaching storm.

Aah . . . bliss!

When it came time to turn in for the night, I turned down the comforter and plumped the pillows.  BFF went one further and killed the lights . . . literally!

As he swung his “extra” pillow around to place it on the floor, a resounding *CRASH* signaled that he had knocked over a lamp, smashing the bulb.

#4.  A Missed Opportunity

The next day, as we crossed over the Ohio River from Kentucky to Illinois at noon, I saw a sign for Metropolis . . . the home of Superman.  I recalled having read an article about the town awhile back.  We debated stopping but decided against it because we had driven only 300 miles of the planned 750 miles for the day.

Here is what we missed:

In his various portrayals, Superman resides in a fictional American city named Metropolis, and on January 21, 1972, DC Comics declared Metropolis the “Hometown of Superman.” On June 9, 1972, the Illinois State Legislature passed Resolution 572 that confirmed this, declaring Metropolis the “Hometown of Superman.”

The city has a 30-foot painted bronze statue of Superman which sits in front of the county courthouse, and a statue of Noel Neill‘s Lois Lane from “The Adventure of Superman” stands just a few blocks away.

Each year on the 2nd weekend of June, Superman fans from all over the world gather in Metropolis for their annual Superman Celebration, which features celebrity guests from movies, television, and the comic book industry. The 4-day annual celebration also boasts vendors selling food, comics, homemade crafts, and other merchandise, as well as discussion panels, auctions, a costume contest, and a variety of other events throughout the weekend.

Travel Tip:  If you plan to be near Metropolis next weekend . . . remember to pack your cape!

#5.  Better Than A Buckboard

As we continued to roll on down the highway, our butts grew numb.  Numb butt is a real danger on long distance road trips, requiring frequent stops to regain circulation in the nether regions.

Sometimes we just wander around admiring the view:

Other times we climb rock formations and play Simon Says:

Back in the car with another 1,000 miles to go, we consoled ourselves by playing the “It Could Be Worse” Game:

Instead of covering 2,000 miles in 3 days in an air-conditioned mini-van with ample snacks and padded seats, we could be covering 10 miles a day in a horse-drawn wagon . . . while periodically taking cover from tornadoes, dust storms, and angry Native Americans.

In short, our Toyota Sienna is . . . Better Than A Buckboard.

#6. “¡Arriba, Arriba! ¡Ándale, Ándale!”

The I-70 exit for Arriba, Colorado (which we passed going and coming) made us think of Speedy Gonzales and his catchy catch-phrase:  “¡Arriba, arriba! ¡Ándale, ándale!”

Curious, I decided to check the translation to see if Speedy meant, “Hurry Up!” 

The Spanish Dictionary I consulted concurred with my tentative translation ~> Arriba means “go! or hooray for…!” and ándale means “come on!”  

Close enough!

The dictionary noted that most people aren’t as enthusiastic as Speedy, so they use one or the other, not both.

#7.  Does your conscience bother you?  Tell the truth.

Cats NEVER feel guilty . . . they feel entitled!

We chose a southerly route (Colorado ~> Kansas ~> Oklahoma ~> Arkansas ~> Mississippi ~> Alabama ~> Florida) for the return home.

As we crossed into Alabama from Mississippi, we popped Lynyrd Skynyrd’s One More From the Road into the player.  As Ronnie Van Zant sang about his “Sweet Home Alabama,” I sang along:

“Well, Watergate does not bother me . . . does your conscience bother you?  Tell the truth.”

BFF suggested (with some degree of insistence) that I was singing the wrong lyrics.

Surprised, I asked, “what do you think the right lyrics are?”

“I think they’re singing, ‘Your one-eyed gaze does not bother me . . .’

So, Morgan and Gracie . . . that’s One More From the Road for you!

Aah . . . that’s better!

 

Fun With Words ~ Medical Mixups June 3, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
26 comments

On the last vocabulary test of the year, Edna Krabappel received a slew of creative responses from students eager to start summer break:

Artery ~ A shop that sells paintings

Barium ~ What to do when someone dies

Benign ~ What you be, after you be eight

Cat scan ~ Making a quick search under the furniture for kitty

Cauterize ~ Made eye contact with her

Coma ~ A punctuation mark

Dilate ~ To live longer than expected

Enema ~ Not a friend

Fester ~ Quicker than someone else

Impotent ~ Distinguished, well known

Labor Pain ~ Getting hurt at work

Morbid ~ A higher offer

Nitrates~ Rates of Pay for Working at Night

Node ~ I knew it

Outpatient ~ A person who has fainted

Post Operative ~ A letter carrier

Recovery Room ~ Place to do upholstery

Rectum ~ Nearly killed him

Secretion ~ Hiding something

Seizure ~ Roman Emperor

Tablet ~ A small table

Urine ~ Opposite of you’re out

Edna understood her students’ excitement and shared their eagerness for a L~O~N~G summer break.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)