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Scrutinizing The Status Quo September 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
44 comments

Mickey-SurferAfter our morning beach walk, we stopped at the outdoor showers to wash the sand off our feet.

As we turned to leave, a barefoot and bare-chested man in his mid-50’s approached the showers.

He turned on the water, stepped into the spray, and pulled out the waistband of his swim trunks, creating a gap between his bare belly and his trunks.

He peered into the chasm as the water made its descent, scrutinizing the situation to ensure that his quo was status:

“Everything OK down there?”

“Yup.  Everything’s good.”

“Any shrinkage?”

“Some.  But we’ll bounce back.”

“Great.  Everyone present and accounted for?”

Mickey-OK“Yup.  All aboard.”

“Excellent.”

After taking stock of his nether regions, the man released the elastic waistband of his trunks, turned off the shower, and headed back to the beach.

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Two Hour Long Infomercial September 15, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Meditation, People.
47 comments

Mickey-DiverI tuned in for Craig Hamilton’s webinar on Tuesday night, fifteen minutes before the scheduled start time.

Lovely music played.  I focused on my breathing and relaxed into the Now.

Just going with the flow.

The music stopped.  And . . . NOTHING happened.

I refreshed the page and got a message saying that due to the vast numbers of unenlightened beings trying to listen in, the server had crashed.

No worries.

The what is, is.

Mickey-SurferI decided to look around his website.

Turns out he’s offering a 12-week course in Direct Enlightenment for $547!

That gleaned intel provided the only “A Ha!” moment of the evening.   Although, to be honest, it might have been more of a “Ha Ha” moment.

I tried again to join the webinar to see what he had to say.

Success!  (In a manner of speaking.)

I managed to grab a seat at 9:27 pm and listened to Craig speak in a hushed monotonous monochromatic monotone for the next 90 minutes.

It took him that long to say absolutely nothing.  Then say it again.

I was not impressed with the information he conveyed . . . or the hypnotic, sleep-inducing manner in which he conveyed it.

Mickey-LoungingBottom Line:  I’m not signing up to take his 12 week course for $547.

Sitting through one 2-hour infomercial was more than enough for me.

I think I’ve seen the light!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Got Saw Dust? September 13, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Health & Wellness, Humor.
38 comments

Donald-DuckaOn the search for a better burrito, we scanned the 137+ varieties of tortillas available at Publix to find one with a healthy mix of ingredients.

Most flour tortillas had a gram of fiber.

The whole wheat tortillas had 2 grams of fiber.

Then we picked up a package of high fiber tortillas which boasted a whopping 11 grams of fiber.

Per tortilla, not per package.

Curious, we read through the ingredient list looking for the source of that fiber.

Donald-Duck-BaseballWas it from oats?  No.

Was it from bran?  No.

How about wheat germ?  Again, no.

Then we spied the fiber source . . . cellulose fiber.  Also known as wood pulp.

Well, you don’t have to hit me over the head with a baseball bat before I can figure out what’s going on . . .

Food manufacturers are obviously as concerned as consumers about getting more fiber into our food.

Wanting to avoid genetically modified FrankenFood, they turned to the forest and saw the trees!

Trees, standing tall and overflowing with pulpy goodness.

Real trees, not GMO trees loaded with FrankenFiber.

They called lumber yards and floor liquidators, ordering up 10,000 cubic tons of surplus saw dust to bulk up our food and our bellies.

Donald-Duck-LazyThey boiled it down and added it to cereals, granola bars, loaves of bread, ice cream, and tortillas.

And that, in a nutshell, is why processed food tastes like saw dust!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Restrain Your Self! September 10, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
33 comments

Wikipedia ~ Handcuffs (in Public Domain)

After a short but heated criminal  trial, the judge asked the defendant if he would like to say anything before the court passed sentence.

Nodding, the defendant jumped to his feet.

His attorney reached out to restrain him . . . to no avail.

Staring defiantly at the judge, the defendant grinned, “Yeah, I got somethin’ to say.”

As defense counsel cradled his head in his hands and prepared for the worst, the defendant smirked and said,  “Your honor, you’re a fat, four-eyed son-of-a-bitch!”

With that, the defendant sat down, a smug look of satisfaction on his face.

His attorney looked toward the judge, hoping the judge would have a sense of humor about the comment.

With a small smile tugging the corners of his mouth, the judge peered over his glasses at the defendant and drawled, “Well, I daresay you may be right about your first two observations . . .”

After pausing to remove and clean his glasses, the judge dropped the other shoe, “but that last comment is going to cost you an extra 90 days.”

“Defendant is hereby remanded to custody . . . ”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Self Restraint . . . you never know when it might save you some time.

Inspiration:  a joke I heard many moons ago

The Great Debate September 3, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
34 comments

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert to Catholicism or leave Italy.

There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal: he’d have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community.

If the Jews won, they could stay in Italy; if the Pope won, they’d have to convert or leave.

The Jewish people met and picked an aged and wise rabbi to represent them in the debate.

However, as the rabbi spoke no Italian, and the Pope spoke no Yiddish, they agreed that it would be a ‘silent’ debate.

On the chosen day, the Pope and rabbi sat opposite each other.

The Pope raised his hand and showed three fingers.
The rabbi looked back and raised one finger.

Next, the Pope waved his finger around his head.
The rabbi pointed to the ground where he sat.

The Pope brought out a communion wafer and a chalice of wine.
The rabbi pulled out an apple.

With that, the Pope stood up and declared himself beaten and said that the rabbi was too clever. The Jews could stay in Italy.

Later, the Cardinals met with the Pope, and asked him what had happened.

The Pope said, “First I held up three fingers to represent the Trinity.

“He responded by holding up a single finger to remind me there is still only one God common to both our faiths.

“Then, I waved my finger around my head to show him that God was all around us.

“The rabbi responded by pointing to the ground to show that God was also right here with us.

“I pulled out the wine and host to show that through the perfect sacrifice, Jesus has atoned for our sins, but the rabbi pulled out an apple to remind me of the original sin.

“He bested me at every move and I could not continue.”

Meanwhile, the Jewish community gathered to ask the rabbi how he’d won.

“I haven’t a clue,” said the rabbi.

“First, he told me that we had three days to get out of Italy, so I gave him the finger.

“Then he tells me that the whole country would be cleared of Jews, but I told him emphatically that we were staying right here.”

“And then what?” asked a woman.

“Who knows?” said the rabbi.

“He took out his lunch, so I took out mine.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

King Arthur & The Ugly Old Woman August 27, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
40 comments

RWS_Tarot_01_MagicianKing Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom.

The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur’s youth and ideals.

The monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question.

Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer and if, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question . . . What do women really want?

Such a question would perplex even the wisest man.  To young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch’s proposition to have an answer by year’s end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princess, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old ugly woman.  She would have the answer, but the price would be high.  The woman was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged for her wise counsel.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the old woman. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old ugly woman wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur’s closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc. He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur’s life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the woman answered Arthur’s question thus:

What a woman really wants . . . is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom knew that the woman had uttered a great truth and that Arthur’s life would be spared.

And so it was.

The neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the ugly woman had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approached and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened.

The young beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared ugly, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and a beautiful maiden the other half.

Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day . . . or at night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament.

During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old ugly woman?  Or, would he prefer having a hideous woman during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?  Make YOUR choice before you scroll down.

220px-Arthur-Pyle_The_Enchanter_Merlin

Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself.

Mickey-and-Minnie-kissUpon hearing this, she announced she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

The moral to this story:

If you don’t let a woman have her own way . . . things are going to get ugly!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Your Bid! August 25, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Travel & Leisure.
39 comments

Tigger hates to be left out of the action.  Whatever we’re doing, he wants to participate.

He likes to be in the thick of things.

2016-05-29 16-01-01_0008

So when I started playing Bridge this summer, he dove right in to assist with my independent study program.

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Now, when I play Bridge Solitaire (with imaginary partners and opponents), Tigger’s in charge of keeping players on their toes.

2016-05-29 16-00-23_0007

He keeps an eye on the progress of the auction and prompts players to be prompt with a succinct bark of “Your Bid!”

2016-05-29 16-00-16_0006

Aah . . . that’s better!

“I Got Your Dollar Right Here!” August 23, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke.
30 comments

Donald-Duck-DrivingThere’s an auto insurance commercial that cracks us up ~ a woman receives a good driver rebate and uses it to buy an expensive handbag.

When a friend shopping with her calls out to ask her auto insurer for a rebate, Jerry Van Dyke (or a reasonable facsimile thereof) pops into the scene dressed in hip waders and a fishing vest.

He’s holding a fishing pole with a dollar on the line as “bait” as he calls out . . . “I got your dollar right here!”

When she tries to grab the dollar, he yanks it out of reach.

A few weeks ago, BFF recreated the commercial for my amusement using props from around the house.

2016-07-13 15-15-18_0012

When I walked into the kitchen and saw his “Just For Fun” vignette, I cracked up.

Then I pocketed the dollar.

2016-07-16 10-10-18_0015

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Killer E-Mail August 20, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
46 comments

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. The husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday.  His wife planned to fly down the next day.

The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he left out one letter in her email address and, without realizing his error, sent the e-mail.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral.

The widow, expecting messages from relatives and friends, decided to check her e-mail.  After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve Arrived
Date: March 21, 2015

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in.

I’ve seen that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P. S. Sure is freaking hot down here!

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Advice From A Polar Bear August 17, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Less IS More, Sustainable Living.
28 comments

One of our nieces is leaving for college next week.  She celebrated her 18th birthday this week.

I sent her a combined Birthday/ Bon Voyage card because (a) I am frugal and thrifty and Scottish, and (b) I am a friend to trees and hate wasting paper ~> i.e., blogging is better than logging.

Anyway, here’s Advice from a Polar Bear from the card I sent:

Live Large
Be thick-skinned
Sniff out opportunities
Learn some good icebreakers
Be fearless
Keep it cool!

Aah . . . that’s better!

To order sustainable greeting cards & products, visit:  Your True Nature