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The Worst First Date February 21, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Nature, People.
Tags: , , ,
52 comments

Brian-Oh-NoWhen Jay Leno asked audience members to share embarrassing first dates, this story took the prize:

I had the worst first date ever.  My date took me skiing in the mountains outside Salt Lake City, Utah.  The outing was fun, until we started for home.

Driving down the mountain, an hour away from the nearest rest room, in the middle of nowhere, nature called.

I realized I should NOT have had that extra latte.

After holding it as long as I could, I asked him to stop the car so I could go beside the road.  As soon as the car stopped, I jumped out, ran behind the car, yanked my pants down, rested my butt against the rear fender, and let go.

My date stood at the side of the car watching for traffic.

TimonDespite the embarrassing nature of the situation, all I could think about was the relief I felt.  Finished, I bent to pull up my pants and discovered my cheeks were glued to the car’s fender.  Thoughts of tongues frozen to metal flagpoles came to mind as I attempted to disengage my exposed flesh from the icy perch.

When I told my date I needed assistance, he came around the car and burst out laughing at the sight of me freezing my butt off!

After we stopped laughing, we figured out the best way to free me . . . I looked the other way while he unzipped his pants and peed my butt off the fender.

As the audience screamed with laughter, Leno said, “This gives a whole new meaning to being pissed off.”

Mickey-and-Minnie-kissHow did the date end?

Her date became her husband and was sitting next to her on the Leno show.

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Has a first date ever pissed you off?  :mrgreen:

Related articles:  Frozen Assets (Snopes) * Rumors (TruthorFiction.com)

I Want To DO Less . . . And BE More February 17, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
Tags: , , , ,
57 comments

IMGP1800bOne of the best tricks I’ve found to discern whether I’m on the right path for me is to envision this as the last year of my life ~ to question whether I would regret spending the next 12 months engaged in similar endeavors.

At this point, I’m happy with the flow of my days and nights, but in earlier years this simple exercise inspired big changes:

In 1997, it led to my decision to leave the practice of law, take a sabbatical, and re-enter the work force as the director of a Crisis Intervention Team, assisting victims of domestic violence to evaluate options.

In 1999, it encouraged us to shed possessions, down-size, and move out of New Jersey to a home on the banks of the Chesapeake Bay ~ still close enough to visit family while being far enough away to live our own quiet lives.

In 2008, it freed us to leave winters behind for good and move to Florida.

IMGP2615c

Aah . . . that’s better!

What would you do if your “final curtain call” lay around the next bend?

Something’s Screwy With This Key February 14, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
61 comments

SnoopyA woman in her early forties went to a plastic surgeon for a face-lift. The surgeon told her about a new procedure called “The Key,” where a small key placed on the back of a woman’s head can be turned to tighten her skin to create the effect of a brand new face lift.

Of course, the woman wanted “The Key.”

Over the years, the woman tightened the key with wonderful results – the woman remained young and vibrant looking.

Woodstock-&-Snoopy3After fifteen years, the woman returned to the surgeon with two problems.

“For 15 years, everything has worked fine. I’d turn the key and love the result. But now I’ve developed two annoying problems.  First, I have these terrible bags under my eyes and the key won’t get rid of them.”

The doctor looked at her closely and said, “Those aren’t bags, those are your breasts.”

She nodded. “No point asking about the beard then . . .”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Happy Valentine’s Day!

What If No One Is Watching? February 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Life Balance, Life Lessons, Mindfulness.
Tags: , , , ,
62 comments

alice26thEgo likes accolades and acknowledgement for accomplishments, big and small.

For Ego, it’s not enough To Do or To Be for the Do-ness or Be-ness of it all.  Ego is convinced it doesn’t count if no one is watching.

Ego is in a perpetual state of “Look At Me!”

Hence the rise of Selfie Sticks.

It’s not the journey of writing, painting, singing, dancing, creating, or exploring that matters to Ego, it’s the applause of the audience, the roar of the crowd, the recognition from others that we matter.

A legacy left behind.

If I slam a door, and no one hears, should I slam it louder?

Hmm . . . that depends.  
Am I slamming it for me . . . or for them?

Remember George Costanza and the Tip Jar?  He didn’t toss a tip into the jar because he wanted the self-acknowledgment of having done so.  He wanted “them” to see him toss the tip into the jar.  He wanted recognition from others for his actions.  He wasn’t giving to give, he was giving to get.

When he realized “they” weren’t watching, he reached in to reclaim the tip for a “do over” and lost what he was trying to gain . . . his paisano’s approval.

Donald-Duck-BaseballWhat would you do if no one was watching?

Would you spend decades building the cathedral, the bridge, or the concert center if you retained your anonymity?

Living in the shadows in a state of obscurity?

With no one applauding your efforts?

You know you’ve found your bliss and are headed the right way when your spirit is soaring and work feels like play.

Even when no one is watching.

Aah . . . that’s better!

After enlightenment, the laundry. ~ Zen Proverb

Virtual Reality: Fame & Fortune February 7, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , , ,
44 comments

I’m not a paranoid, deranged millionaire. I’m a billionaire. – Howard Hughes

Having more money doesn’t make you happier. I have 50 million dollars but I’m just as happy as when I had 48 million. – Arnold Schwarzenegger

Wood burns faster when you have to cut and chop it yourself. – Harrison Ford

Donald-DirectorHollywood must be the only place on earth where you can be fired by a man wearing a Hawaiian shirt and a baseball cap. – Steve Martin

I don’t believe in astrology. I am a Sagittarius and we’re very skeptical. – Arthur C Clarke

If life were fair, Elvis would still be alive today and all the impersonators would be dead. – Johnny Carson

No man is a failure who is enjoying life. ~ William Feather

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

The Cat February 3, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Amazing Animals, Animal Welfare, Humor, Poetry.
Tags: , , , , ,
38 comments

2014-03-21 07-42-58_0033Cat preened and pranced
and purred and pleaded
As each new desire arose

It deigned to flatter
“Dear owners . . .
What have you done for me lately?”

Itch scratched
Self-content evident
Cat padded away on soft paws

To preen itself
and do its own thing
Heeding no one

Appetite satiated
Cat admired its elegant image
with narcissistic intensity

And plotted its next plea

IMGP1782a

Aah . . . that’s better!

“Get The Quarterback!” January 31, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
51 comments

Betty-BoopA guy took his girlfriend to the Super Bowl in Arizona.  They had great seats right behind the Seahawk’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially all the big muscles, but I don’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and for the rest of the game they kept screaming, Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!  Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

7 Pearls of Dubious Pedigree January 27, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People, Word Play.
Tags: , , , ,
48 comments

Every so often, I toss flotsam, jetsam, and/or detritus overboard in order to keep synapses firing at optimal efficiency.

Here for your consideration are 7 Pearls of Dubious Pedigree:

Ringling Museum 018c1.  Judgment is discernment.

Judgment gives us the ability to weigh options and choose between competing priorities.  We would be lost without it.

Fundraisers unite
with one common goal ~ to take
your money and run

Even if you give ALL opposing ideas, thoughts, and opinions the benefit of the doubt, that doesn’t mean they possess any inherent validity.

Some ideas are ignorant, idiotic, and/or just plain evil.

Not convinced?  Keep reading . . .

2. Rejecting Social Acceptability.

Next time you’re in a restaurant (or, better still, the bowling alley!), reach over and grab a handful of French fries or a slice of pizza from your neighbors.

See what happens.

Snoopy-and-Schroeder

3.  The Zeitgeist Movement and the Venus Project.

If parents can’t make equitable distributions between 2-3 offspring, how would society do so for everyone?

“How come Mozart got a GRAND PIANO and I just got a stupid harmonica?”

“Be glad it’s not a rock, Charlie Brown.”

3D-Cow4.  Why are carnivores averse to cannibalism?

Why are cows, pigs, chickens, and turkeys gobbled up while horses, dogs, cats, and rodents are shunned by everyone but Andrew Zimmern?

Why are we willing to donate our organs to science . . . but not to someone’s breakfast table?

5.  A “Pay It Forward” Pyramid Scheme.

There’s a Pay It Forward chain letter circulating through cyber space.

When I saw it for the first time, I refrained from leaving a comment on the post because I did NOT want to be selected to win an “unspecified surprise” . . . not if it meant agreeing to add five more people to the chain by offering to send them an unspecified surprise if they would each agree to add five more people to the chain.

Snoopy2

Etc.  Etc.  Etc.  Ad Nauseum.  The whole thing is just too forced and phony.  A pyramid scheme gone awry.

I’m happy to perform “good deeds” and “random acts of kindness” on an ad hoc basis, but I don’t like gifts with strings attached.

And, even if I enjoyed being manipulated via cyber strings, I’m not going to agree to send out 5 surprises in exchange for one surprise I might not even like.

“Be glad it’s not a rock, Charlie Brown.”

When we are mindful, ample opportunities to be kind appear in our In Box every day . . . without the necessity of entering into contrived cyber contracts.

IMGP1368a6. Happiness is ‘eeling.

Laughter each day keeps the doctor away.

He who laughs, lasts. ~ Mary Pettibone Poole

And even if you don’t get better, you’ll feel better.  It’s a win-win for everyone.

Except the doctor.  But ‘eel get over it!

Eek . . . an eel!
Grasping on to my heel!
Whilst wrapped in chain

Oh what a sight
I shudder with fright
But ‘eel steal my pain

All’s well that ends well

The Eel that Time Remembered (Kate Shrewsday)

448px-Alice_05a-1116x14927.  No Fungus, Please.

When I was a kid, I ate a poisonous mushroom in the backyard and had to have my stomach pumped.

It left a bad taste in my mouth.

That’s why I refuse to eat fungus.

If ever I get around to writing a Vegetarian Cookbook, it will NOT include any recipes featuring mushrooms, toadstools, or truffles.

I’ll call it, No Fungus, Please!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related Posts:  13 Pieces of Potpourri * 13 Unpolished Gems . . . One Stone7 More Unpolished Stones

Virtual Reality: Travel January 24, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
Tags: , , ,
46 comments

Earth_Eastern_HemisphereAs I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport – Jonathan Winters

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Donald-Duck-DrivingYou know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Friendships Based On Mutual Distrust January 21, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Life Balance, Life Lessons, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , , , ,
78 comments

IMGP3921“Offering superficial approval, passive agreement, and placating compliments is easy. Being a good friend is hard.”
~ Janna T. Writes

Yup.

When friends ask us to “be honest,” they don’t always mean it. Instead of thanking us for our honest candor, they may lash out or turn their backs on us.

That happened to me once upon a time.

A friend asked me what I thought of the guy she was dating. Everyone else (including her mother) lied to her and said he was wonderful. I told her that he seemed selfish and full of himself.

He dumped her a few months later.

At that point, everyone else (including her mother) admitted that they had NEVER liked him, that he was a complete and utter jerk, that she was better off without him, etc.

IMGP1472aAnd she was OK with their about-face.

Even though she KNEW they had intentionally lied to her, she was OK with their dishonesty.

She was NOT OK with my honesty.

She gave me the cold shoulder for YEARS, later revealing the reason why.

As I pondered her belated explanation, I decided that, if given the chance, I would not retract my words to gain her approval by lying.

Maintaining pseudo-friendships based on mutual distrust and insincere platitudes seems rather pointless.

What do you think?

Be Honest!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Kindly Be Honest

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