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The Facts of Life October 17, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, People.
28 comments

In the fourth grade, I switched from Atlantic Elementary (K through 3rd grade) to Cedar Drive School (4th – 8th grade).  I soon noticed a number of intriguing differences between the two schools.  Most notably, the presence of a small stainless steel “dispensary” on the wall of each of the girls’ bathrooms and locker rooms.

Curious about the contents of the steel box, I slid a dime into the slot, turned the crank, and waited to see what the dispensary would dispense.

Out popped a lightweight cylindrical object, about the size of a cigar, encased in a sanitary wrapper labeled either Kotex or Tampax ~ I cannot recall which.

Not that it matters since I’d never heard of a Kotex or a Tampax before.

Hmm?

I felt a bit like Alice in Wonderland.  Curious and curiouser.

Grasping the tube in my hand, I returned to the classroom and asked my teacher, Mrs. Hettrick, to identify said object.

With a stern (but understanding) look, she took it from me, slid it into the top drawer of her desk, and said, “Remind me as you’re leaving today and I’ll  return it so you can ask your mother about it.”

Huh?

What type of conspiracy of silence was this?

At the end of the school day, I dutifully reclaimed it from Mrs. Hettrick and rode home on the school bus full of perplexing questions.  At my stop, I hopped off the bus, raced down the street, and flew into the kitchen, waving the UPO (Unidentified Purchased Object) in front of me.

“Mom, what’s this?”

With a quick glance at my brothers and younger sister, mom ushered me upstairs where we had “The Talk.”

I can describe “The Talk” for you in a single word ~> ~> ~> A~W~K~W~A~R~D.

Gagging on the “spilled beans” (and beginning to see just how “Curiosity Killed The Cat”), I escaped from mom and ran next door to Mrs. Nast’s house.

Finding her in the kitchen, I announced:

“Now I know why you adopted David and Karen!”

Mrs. Nast glanced up from her dinner preparations, mild surprise written all over her face, and said, “You do?”

“Yes!  Mom just told me how babies are made.  EWW!  That’s so disgusting!  When I get married, I’m adopting like you did.”

With an amused (but understanding) look, Mrs. Nast began to explain the Ins and Outs and Hows and Whys of adoption.

I ignored her as I revealed the source of my greatest anguish:  “I don’t understand how anyone could do that . . . FOUR times!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

On a related “facts of life” note:  In the 7th grade, I brought in an anatomically correct doll (borrowed from . . . Mrs. Nast) to use as “Baby Jesus” in the Nativity Scene.  My friends were amazed to see a doll with a penis!

Roxanne Scott, in particular, was fascinated with it.

The teacher made me take it home because of the commotion it caused.

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This Just In . . . October 11, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, Life Balance.
10 comments

Aah . . . Wordless Wednesday!

Keep Calm . . . And Carry On September 19, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Less IS More, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
31 comments

When things are moving faster than desired . . .

Take a deep breath.

Relax the mind.

Allow calm to surface.

* * *

Contemplative quotes may also be an antidote to stress:

Have a mind that is open to everything and attached to nothing. ~ Tilopa

Less is more. ~ Robert Browning

Life is a progress, and not a station. ~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

To begin, begin. ~ William Wordsworth

Smooth seas do not make skillful sailors. ~ African Proverb

Kites rise against, not with, the wind. ~ John Neal

Let reality be reality. ~ Lao Tzu

Forever is composed of nows. ~ Emily Dickinson

Have patience and endure. ~ Ovid

Everything suggests a beyond. ~ Isabella Bird

At the center of your being you have the answer. ~ Lao Tzu

Happiness never decreases by being shared. ~ Buddha

Against the assault of laughter, nothing can stand. ~ Mark Twain

Turn your face to the sun and shadows fall behind you. ~ Maori Proverb

Aah . . . that’s better!

Caller ID September 2, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, Life Balance.
49 comments

Is this where we are headed?  

Is this our future?

“Hello! Is this Gordon’s Pizza?”

“No sir – it’s Google Pizza.”

“I must have dialed a wrong number. Sorry.”

“No sir – Google bought Gordon’s Pizza last month.”

“OK. I would like to order a pizza.”

“Do you want your usual, sir?”

“My usual?  Do you know me?”

“According to our Caller ID Data Sheet, the last 12 times you called you ordered an extra-large pizza with three cheeses – sausage – pepperoni – mushrooms and meat balls on a thick crust.

“Yeah, sure, that’s what I want.”

“May I suggest that this time you order a pizza with ricotta – arugula – sun-dried tomatoes and olives on a whole wheat, gluten free, thin crust?”

“What? I detest vegetables.  Just give me my usual.”

“Your cholesterol is not good, sir.”

“How the hell do you know that?”

“Well, we cross-referenced your home phone number with your medical records. We have the result of your blood tests for the last 7 years.”

“I don’t care. I do not want your rotten vegetable pizza! I already take medication for my cholesterol.”

“Excuse me sir, but you have not taken your medication regularly. According to our database, you only purchased a box of 30 cholesterol tablets once, at Drugsale Network, 4 months ago.”

“I bought more from another drugstore.”

“That doesn’t show on your credit card statement.”

“I paid in cash.”

“But you did not withdraw enough cash according to your bank statement.”

“I have other sources of cash.”

“That doesn’t show on your last tax return unless you bought them using an undeclared income source, which is against the law.”

“WHAT THE HELL? ! ! ! !”

“I’m sorry, sir, we use such information only with the sole intention of helping you.”

“Enough already! I’m sick to death of Google – Facebook – Twitter – WhatsApp and all the others!! I’m going to an island without internet – cable TV – where there is no cell phone service and no one to watch me or spy on me!!”

“I understand sir – but you need to renew your passport first. It expired 6 weeks ago.”

Aah . . . that’s better?

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Monkey With A Megaphone July 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Less IS More, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
15 comments

David wrote another fabulous post ~ this one focused on desire:

Three Things We All Need to Know About Desire

My favorite takeaway from the post is the visual imagery David shared when he likened desire to a “monkey with a megaphone.”

Great depiction!

Desires arise constantly.

We can succumb to the monkey as it chatters on and on about its endless ticker tape of desires, much like a toddler in the grocery store check-out line . . .

OR we can train ourselves to filter the constant chattering and clamoring of our monkey minds and discern for ourselves which desires merit fulfillment.

And which should be left on the cutting room floor.

Mindful discernment is not easy, but it’s worth it. After all, our freedom is at stake!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Drink It All In July 5, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Less IS More, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
10 comments

When we’re “lost in thought” we tend to “miss the moment.”

To be mindful OF the moment IN the moment, we have to stop thinking and start sensing . . .

We need to see, hear, smell, touch, and taste what’s going on around us.

We need to stop ruminating or the past and rehearsing the future if we want to experience the present and be present for the experience surrounding us right here, right now.

For more on this, read David’s post on Raptitude this week:

The Alternative to Thinking All the Time

Drink it all in!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Language Delays in Children May 15, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Less IS More, People.
30 comments

Smartphones do not create smart kids.

Just the opposite ~> early use of screen devices may cause language delays in kids.

In a new study of nearly 900 children between six months and two years old, researchers found that those who spent more time using handheld devices were more likely to have delays in expressive speech, compared to children who didn’t use the devices as much.

For every 30 minutes of screen time, there was a 49% increased risk of expressive speech delay. The research, which was led by pediatricians at the Hospital for Sick Children in Canada, was presented at the annual meeting of the Pediatric Academic Societies.

The researchers say they did not find any effect of screen time on other communication skills, such as gesturing, body language or social interactions. But the effect on speech is worth investigating.

After all, why bother learning to talk when you can just press a button?

Now, step away from the Smartphone!

Unless, of course, you want to prove the adage:  “Monkey see . . . Monkey do.”

Aah. . . that’s better!

To read more:  Kids Who Use Smartphones Start Talking Later

Have I Got A Travel Deal For YOU! May 13, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, Travel & Leisure.
34 comments

Earlier this month, I received an unsolicited travel brochure for an upcoming 12-day trip to the Arctic Circle.

By booking immediately, we could get 50% off the published rate!

Wow!

I decided to check out the savings . . . because I love BOGO offers at Publix.

Anyway, I clicked through and found that the price depended upon your desired cabin accoutrements.

Makes sense.

But that’s when sense turned into nonsense.

Even the least expensive cabin was ridiculously expensive.

No way am I spending $2,333 – $3,666 PER DAY to freeze my ass off!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Choice Morsels To Chew On April 25, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Gratitude, Less IS More, Mindfulness.
30 comments

#1 Want to lose weight?  Chew MORE, Weigh LESS . . .

“Some preliminary research has found that chewing until “no lumps remain” increases the number of calories the body burns during digestion: about 10 extra calories for a 300-calorie meal. (Eating fast, on the other hand, barely burns any calories.) Chewing food more thoroughly also increases blood flow to the stomach and gut. By taking a little extra time for chewing, someone could theoretically burn about 2,000 extra calories each month, the study authors write.”


“Extra chewing also slows the pace of eating, which may be another reason why it’s so healthy. Meena Shah, a professor of nutrition at Texas Christian University, has looked into the effects of eating speed on meal size. She found that people who eat slowly tend to eat less. Slow eating may help people eat more mindfully and tune into their own feelings of fullness, she says.”

To read more:   Chew Your Food: Why Slow Eaters May Burn More Calories

#2 Want to temper your spending?

“Make it your goal to spend only on what you truly value, be it travel, special times with family, a hobby or entertainment.  And cut out the frivolous spending on what you don’t value.

“You’ll be amazed at how many things you can happily live without because you’re getting what you really want,” says personal finance expert Donna Freedman.”

“Frugality isn’t a punishment; it’s a positive commonsense approach to life.  So focus on value and quality [to you], not prestige or appearances [with others].”

To read more:  AARP Magazine, February/March 2017

#3 Want to take up yoga?

Choices abound!

“In Higher Self yoga, a monthly “ganja yoga” class that Goda owner Nathania Stambouli introduced in the fall: “We’re bringing together two great spiritual practices. Marijuana is a way of enhancing the experience.”

“Ah, yes, enhancing the experience. Of late, there’s been a fair amount of yoga-enhancing going on. It’s yoga with something extra on the side.

“Would you like beer with your yoga? There’s a class for that.

“Yoga in the buff? Manhattan’s Bold and Naked Yoga is precisely what it says it is.

“For yogis who prefer to bundle in down, there’s snowga — yoga with snowshoes.”

To read more:  Weed yoga, naked yoga, yoga with goats: Have we reached peak namaste?

#4 Having a tough time choosing between too many options?

“As a last resort, flip a coin.  “I don’t just look for heads or tails, says Berger.  “I think about how I feel about the toss.  If I’m sad that the coin landed on heads, I’ll go with the tails option.” ~ AARP Magazine, February/March 2017

That’s what BFF & I do ~>  Being mindful about how we feel about the final reveal of the coin toss clues us in to what we really want.

#5 Want to learn how to drive?  Fast?

“An 8-year-old East Palestine boy used YouTube videos to learn how to drive his father’s van to McDonald’s on Sunday.  When he pulled up to the drive-through window after ordering a cheeseburger he had been craving and intended to pay for using money he gathered from his piggy bank, the McDonald’s workers at first thought they were being pranked.

“The workers thought that the parents were in the back, but obviously they weren’t,” Koehler said.”

To read more:  Young driver gets help from YouTube

#6 Want to feel better?

Make someone else feel better:

“Make a difference in other people’s lives.  Even small acts of generosity can make you feel rich in spirit.” ~ AARP Magazine, February/March 2017

#7 Want to watch a heart-felt movie?

Check out Collateral Beauty (Will Smith, Helen Mirren, Keira Knightly, Ed Norton, Michael Peña, Naomie Harris, Jacob Latimore, Kate Winslet, etc.):

Love is in everything . . .
From a child’s laughter to the pain we feel when a loved one dies.
Love is THE why of it all.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Penis van Lesbian April 22, 2017

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Less IS More, People.
22 comments

A good looking man walked into an agent’s office in Hollywood and said “I want to be a movie star.” Tall, handsome, with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.

The agent asked, “What’s your name?”

“Penis van Lesbian.”

“Sir, in order to get into Hollywood, you will have to change your name.”

“I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my grandfather by changing my name. Not ever!!”

The agent said, “I’ve worked in Hollywood for years.  You’ll NEVER go far in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian! For sure you’ll HAVE to change your name or I won’t represent you.”

“So be it! I guess we won’t do business together!”

Five years later, the agent opens an envelope sent to his office.

Inside the envelope is a check for $25,000.

The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly send him $25,000?

He reads the enclosed letter . . .

“Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood and you told me I needed to change my name. You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian.

Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.

After I left your office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name.  I had too much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent who quickly signed me with Walt Disney for a number of movies which have been very lucrative.

You were right.  I never would have made it without changing my name.

Thank you for your advice and please accept the enclosed check as a token of my appreciation.

Sincerely,

Dick van Dyke

HaHa . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)