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Threats In Europe, by John Cleese March 28, 2012

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Writing & Writers.

Wikipedia ~ Tea Plant (in Public Domain)

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent events in Syria and have therefore raised their security level from “Miffed” to “Peeved.”

Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to “Irritated” or even “A Bit Cross.”

The English have not been “A Bit Cross” since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies nearly ran out.

Terrorists have been re-categorized from “Tiresome” to “A Bloody Nuisance.” The last time the British issued a “Bloody Nuisance” warning level was in 1588, when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots have raised their threat level from “Pissed Off” to “Let’s get the Bastards.” They don’t have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from “Run” to “Hide.” The only two higher levels in France are “Collaborate” and “Surrender.” The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France’s white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country’s military capability.

Italy has increased the alert level from “Shout Loudly and Excitedly” to “Elaborate Military Posturing.” Two more levels remain: “Ineffective Combat Operations” and “Change Sides.”

The Germans have increased their alert state from “Disdainful Arrogance” to “Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs.” They also have two higher levels: “Invade a Neighbour” and “Lose.”

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual; the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from “No worries” to “She’ll be alright, Mate.” Two more escalation levels remain: “Crikey! I think we’ll need to cancel the barbie this weekend!” and “The barbie is cancelled.” So far no situation has ever warranted use of the last final escalation level.

John Cleese – British writer, actor and tall person

A final thought:  Greece is collapsing, the Iranians are getting aggressive, and Rome is in disarray.

Welcome back to 430 BC.

Granny1947 sent me this in an e-mail this morning.  I had to share.  Want to eliminate the middle man? Talk to Granny. 


1. Three Well Beings - March 28, 2012

I love John Cleese anyway…but this is the best! My niece is married to a French citizen, and my brother makes “cracks” about the French that mirror Cleese’s humorous analysis. I must send this on to him. I’m going to put this on my FB page…all good humor! Debra

nrhatch - March 28, 2012

I roared as I read through this . . . using my best Monty Python voice, of course.

What a brilliant mind he has . . . wrapped up in a top notch sense of humor.

2. jannatwrites - March 29, 2012

The whole time I read this, I was trying to figure out where I knew this from. Finally it hit me – our CEO told this as a joke at one of our company meetings last year.

This is funny! Thanks for sharing it with the masses 🙂

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Thanks for letting me know that I’m sharing “stale” material, Janna. 😉

I did see from suggested related articles that it has been making the rounds . . . for good reason.

3. granny1947 - March 29, 2012

Hehehe…knew you would love it.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

I only wish that he’d done the US too! I would love to see what he would say about us . . . I’m guessing closer to the Scots than to the Aussies. 😉

4. 2e0mca - March 29, 2012

Absolutely hilarious… Actually, the Scots do have a third level – C U Jimmy, which is roughly equivalent to DEFCON1 😉 And thanks to granny1947 for sending it to you – I’d better go and see what other gems she’s got 🙂

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Granny’s post are straightforward, to the point, and always worth a chuckle. She generally shares things like this via e-mail, rather than posting them.

5. Piglet in Portugal - March 29, 2012

This is why I love blogging. The first post I read this morning was about how to get rid of aphids. The graphic pictures went well with my cearal. Still chewing I moved on to this post and it made me splutter with laughter.
My daughter is married to a French man…I wonder if Granny has any good jokes about French food and wine. the only good cheese is French cheese and of course the best wine is French.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

I read this late, late, late last night . . . and had to stifle my laughter because BFF was trying to sleep. What a brilliant mind.

We should get Cleese to do food next! Or maybe he already has?

Piglet in Portugal - March 29, 2012

I wish he had. I would love some one liners to try on my son in law and his parents.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

If I “find the time” . . . I’m going to troll the WWW for more of John Cleese’s wit and wisdom. Particularly as it relates to International Cuisine.

Or maybe I’ll just go watch the MPFC skit on the Cheese Shop. 😆

6. creatingreciprocity - March 29, 2012

And I’m afraid the Irish are so busy complaining about the death of the Celtic tiger that they really haven’t noticed anyone else! I love John Cleese.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

He left out the US too . . . I would love to see his thoughts on US. 😦

7. BrainRants - March 29, 2012

Hilarious yet woven with threads of truth.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

His depiction of the Brits is spot on . . . hey, wait, he’s Brittish! 😀

8. suzicate - March 29, 2012


nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Gave me the giggles. 😆

9. William D'andrea - March 29, 2012

When it comes to terrorism, or any other security threats, what all those nations really mean is, “We don’t have to worry about any threats. The Americans will take care of it for us. Then the more secure they make us, the more we’ll criticize them for it.”

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Your arrogance astonishes me. No wonder people criticize Americans for being overbearing and pompous.

I’m glad you aren’t one of our overseas Ambassadors. 🙄

2e0mca - March 29, 2012

I’m biting my tongue on this one Nancy – …

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

No wonder . . . I almost didn’t post William’s comment because I found it so elitist and offensive.

If you tire of biting your tongue, let him have it! 😉

10. 2e0mca - March 29, 2012

Well, I won’t let him have it… but I’m inspired by a T-shirt I just happen to be wearing today. It bears the words… ‘Class of 52’ and displays 3 aircraft.

The Myasishev Bison built by the Russians during the cold war for use in Europe should hostilities break out – never used (except possibly against China?). Possibily one of the most elegant aircraft designs ever made by the way.

The Avro Vulcan built by the British for war in Europe – finally used in anger for the first time against Port Stanley in the Falklands War and then only with American assistance via the use of the USAF base on Acension Island. Made a couple of craters somewhere near the runway.

Boeing B-52 – used in carpet bombing of significant areas of Asia regardless of military/non-military targets on the ground to prevent the spread of communism.

Perhaps that explains why so many people outside of the US feel that Americans are overbearing and pompous as well as being indiscriminate in their actions. But, I suspect that it’s time for the majority of US citizens to let their feelings be known as almost all the Americans that I’ve met or had blog discussions with do not fit this profile!

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

That’s exactly my rationale for posting William’s smug, self-satisfied comment . . . I wanted to respond to his outdated, misguided “imperialistic” notions in public.

11. 2e0mca - March 29, 2012

I know you guys came and helped out willingly in WW1, largely because a siginficant number of young US citizens had decided that it was as much your war as ours.

In WW2 you didn’t want to get involved but Pearl Harbour changed things so you wound up involved in Europe again. Even so, there were already a significant number of US and Canadian young men involved in the fighting for the allies.

I could say more Nancy – The Russians ceased to be a threat over 20 years ago, so why is my country still the USA’s second largest aircraft carrier after the USS Nimitz? 😉 The answer is, of course, that we respect those allegiances born out shared troubles of the past. But todays issues are different – the arrival of terrorism on the US homeland has focussed minds. Ironically we have been victims of US sponsored terrorism via the IRA. It seems it’s ok to export terrorism but when it comes home to roost it’s an issue

If you’re not happy with what I just wrote Nancy… Please bin 🙂

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Years ago, the US was a force for good. These days, the US is a force for its OWN good. Big Difference.

The military-industrial complex seeks conflict around the globe because war is profitable.

For an eye-opening movie addressing this issue . . . Why We Fight:

Filmed during the Iraq War, Eugene Jarecki’s Sundance Grand Jury Award-winning documentary dissects America’s military machine with a keen eye to answering a necessary question: Why do we engage in war? Through personal stories of soldiers, government officials, scholars, journalists and innocent victims, the film examines the political and economic interests and ideological factors, past and present, behind American militarism.


12. judithhb - March 29, 2012

As an Englishwoman living on the other side of the world I too am getting A Bit Cross.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

In our national and international arenas, there is much to be “A Bit Cross” about, Judith.

13. Andra Watkins - March 29, 2012

Haha!! I love John Cleese.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Isn’t he a hoot! I could listen to/read through his musings all day. Brilliant + FUNNY = Perfect Together!

14. bluebee - March 29, 2012

Hahaha – I would choose the Scots as allies every time. Thanks for the laughs to start the day

“Very cross” is such a quaint expression – My uncle (whose name was Victor Carl, was once stopped for speeding and when asked by the traffic police for his initials, he said, “VC, for Very Cross” – how very childish!

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Great expression. So much nicer sounding than . . . I am so pissed!

Thanks for sharing your VC anecdote with me.

15. Rufus' Food and Spirits Guide - March 29, 2012

Obligatory comment follows: Come on Nancy throw us a bone, we not so tall people might have enjoyed a funny walk video. Off to watch some Flying Circus.

nrhatch - March 29, 2012

Oh, yes . . . the department of funny walks. Almost as much fun as paying for an argument!

MPFC . . . big foot goes {{splat}}

16. wightrabbit - March 30, 2012

Classic! Thought this would only appeal to us Brits but – from the comments above – it seems other nationalities appreciate our quirky sense of irony too. 😉

nrhatch - March 30, 2012

Brit Wit and Irony appeals to me . . . especially the humor of MPFC. 😀

17. Team Oyeniyi - March 30, 2012

Absolutely brilliant! Love that we got a mention. 😆

In all seriousness, we are actually very lucky – our economy has held together nicely and our unemployment is not to bad at all.

nrhatch - March 30, 2012

Australia is sounding pretty good, Robyn. 😀

18. William D'Andrea - March 31, 2012

I’m glad you didn’t delete my comment, because you found it offensive. There’s just too much of that kind of censorship going on in modern American politics. Too many people only want to listen to ideas they agree with; and this leads to nothing getting done.

We have to go back to “Agreeing to disagree agreeably”. That leads to compromise, give and take, and working things out in a civilized manner.

If people only want to listen to ideas they agree with, their brains might atrophy.

nrhatch - March 31, 2012

That’s the wonderful thing about the blogosphere ~ there is a venue for every perspective under the sun.

Even for those whose brains have already atrophied. 😀

19. crumbld - April 3, 2012

Great post … love it.

nrhatch - April 3, 2012

He’s a mighty FINE and FUNNY writer.

20. eof737 - April 22, 2012

John is one of my favorites… tall person. 😉

nrhatch - April 24, 2012

He IS tall! And FUNNY! 😆

21. Sandra Wosk-Smale - April 24, 2012

love this man he is brilliant

nrhatch - April 24, 2012

He IS brilliant. And FUNNY! And tall . . . 😀

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