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Irish Brothel April 25, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , ,
29 comments

150px-Carlo_Crivelli_052Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and goes inside.

“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside.

“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching!” says the second Irishman.

After roundly condemning the vicar and Rabbi, they see their own parish priest knock on the door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Reclining Happily-Ever-After April 23, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Simplify Your Life.
Tags: , , ,
47 comments

Last July, we gave the sofa we inherited with our villa to a niece setting up her first apartment ~ pick up, not delivery.

At Thanksgiving, we delivered the matching loveseat to her as a hostess gift.

That left us with a sizable gap in the middle of our living room.

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Consistent with my guiding philosophy (“do what you can, with what you have, where you are”), we filled the gap with deck chairs as a temporary fix . . . until we got ready to shop.

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Have I ever told you how much I hate shopping?

I decided we would go shopping AFTER Christmas . . . just in case Santa dropped the sofa of my dreams down the chimney we don’t have.

He didn’t.

I then decided we would go shopping AFTER the Christmas decorations had been put away so as not to confuse the issue with seasonal clutter.

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And we did just that.  We went shopping . . .

AFTER January morphed into February.
AFTER Valentine’s Day came and went.
AFTER President’s Day sales flyers began to yellow with age.
AFTER Shrove Tuesday.
AFTER Ash Wednesday.
AFTER the Chinese New Year.
AFTER the dawn of Daylight Savings Time.

With the Ides of March and St. Paddy’s Day on the horizon, my sister asked whether I regretted consigning our previous sofa and loveseat to her daughter.

Nope.  Giving them away created just the space and motivation I needed to muster up the enthusiasm for canvassing the shops.

As soon as I got good and ready.

On Friday the 13th, we launched ourselves into the market place of furniture showrooms ~ Highland Park, Hudsons, the Pink Pineapple.

No luck.  We continued shopping ~ Badcock, La-Z-Boy.

We found a super comfy power recliner at La-Z-Boy but didn’t like its bulging bulky pillowy approach to living room decor.

We continued shopping ~ Rooms 2 Go, Casual Interiors.

At the latter, we experienced sticker shock from price tags that exceeded the cost of my first car by a significant margin.  The only saving grace?  Fuel economy would not be an issue.

We continued shopping ~ American Freight, Furniture Warehouse.

We test-drove sofas that looked great but felt like rocks.  Who wants to watch TV perched atop a rock-hard rock?  Not me.

We continued shopping . . . feeling more and more like Goldilocks in search of an elusive plate of perfect porridge.

I consulted our list.  We still had piles of pillows to peruse ~ Pamaro Shops, American Signature Furniture, Baer’s, Kanes, etc..

Have I ever told you how much I hate shopping?

At last, on March 20th, after 14 showroom visits and 137 test drives, we found what we wanted at Manatee Furniture.  Huzzah!

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The salesman sealed the deal when he offered to deliver them that afternoon! Yes, please!

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We raced home, dodging Friday afternoon beach traffic, to return the deck chairs to the deck and ready the space for our new “just right” sofa and loveseat . . . where we now recline happily-ever-after.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

For Retirees April 18, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
46 comments

IMGP3282bFour retirees are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”

They look at each other, thinking this is too good to be true.

Seeing them at the door, the bartender calls out, “C’mon in. What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

Each of the four men orders a martini.

The bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced as the bartender says, “That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents wondering how the bar stays in business. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

The bartender nods.  “I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!”

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsAs the four of them sip their martinis, they notice seven people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retirees from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Definition of Service April 15, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Word Play.
Tags: , , , , ,
45 comments

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsHave you ever wondered how the Internal Revenue Service got its name?

Doesn’t the word “service” seem at odds with its function?

I’ve never been able to reconcile “taking money” and “raiding piggy banks” with the dictionary definition of “service.”

Until today.

3D-CowWhile waiting in line at the Post Office to pay my taxes, I overheard two farmers talking.

One of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.

Now I understand why it’s called the Internal Revenue Service.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  email from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

BTW:  Ever notice when you put “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”?

Retirement Options April 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , , ,
65 comments

At the Arch

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where . . .

1. You park 3 blocks away from home because you found shade.
2. You experience condensation on your ass from hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can retire to New York City where . . .

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
3. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You can retire to the Nebraska where . . .

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
3. The 4 seasons are:  planning, planting, growing, and shucking.

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You can retire to California where . . .

1. You make $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You drive everywhere, even to the neighborhood block party.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
5. When asked how far away something is, you give the distance in minutes, not miles.

You can retire to The Deep South where . . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Joe Bob, Missy Sue.
5. Things are either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”

You can retire to Minnesota where . . .

1. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
2. The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”
3. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
4. You have 17 casserole recipes, but only 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

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You can retire to Florida where . . .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. The 4 seasons are: hurricane, love bug, snowbird, and summer.
4. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
5. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, or podiatrist.

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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Aah . . . that’s better!

A Quagmire of Obtuse Construction April 9, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
Tags: , , ,
63 comments

Sometimes wading through the written word is like getting sucked into an imbroglio of briars and quicksand.

Instead of building from Point A to Point B, certain writers circle around the point they are trying to express, using as many ostentatious, esoteric, and cumbersome words as possible.

Cautious readers must wear hip boots or waders to protect against muck, mire, and the occasional thorn. 

When I can’t follow a writer’s line of reasoning on a subject with which I am conversant, I assume the problem lies with the writer and not the reader.  :mrgreen:

Lest you accuse me of hubris, I followed the less than pellucid wanderings, wonderings, mutterings, and meanderings of Kant, Hume, Sartre, Descartes, and Socrates as a Philosophy major in college . . . without major mishap.

In law school, I studied and digested 75 page “briefs” of the United States Supreme Court . . . with only rare indigestion or stomach upset resulting from the effort.

Based on these experiences, it is my reasoned opinion that good writers, even those espousing philosophical musings, manage to convey complex ideology in a straightforward manner without resorting to obscure references and labyrinthine reasoning.

They bring readers into the fold, rather than leaving them out in the cold.

When writers obfuscate, that propensity may stem from a lack of mental clarity or acuity on their part.  Perhaps they haven’t yet grasped what it is they are attempting to say.

Even if that appears the most ostensible or plausible explanation, I try to be charitable and give them the benefit of the doubt.

After all, if we didn’t know what we wanted to say, would we say anything?

In some cases, I suspect that lack of clarity in sentence after ghastly sentence stems from a latent desire to confuse and mislead readers, by throwing them off the scent.

I know that seems counter-intuitive but watching readers scratch their heads or stall in their tracks may provide befuddled or bemused writers with an ego boost derived from delusions of adequacy.

Who knows?

* He who writes carelessly makes first and foremost the confession that he himself does not place any great value on his thoughts. For the enthusiasm which inspires the unflagging endurance necessary for discovering the clearest, most forceful and most attractive form of expressing our thoughts is begotten only by the conviction of their weightiness and truth – just as we employ silver or golden caskets only for sacred things or priceless works of art. ~ Arthur Schopenhauer

* I have made this letter longer, because I have not had the time to make it shorter.  ~ Blaise Pascal

Aah . . . that’s better!

What about you?  Have you ever waded into a writer’s work and become lost in a quagmire of obtuse construction?  What did you do?

Did you beat a hasty retreat or wallow a while longer?

April Phools! April 1, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
Tags: , ,
50 comments

TimonWhile watching The Mentalist one night, we heard an enticing News Blurb that encouraged us to stay tuned to NBC for the local News at 11.

Some guy had used up all his cell phone minutes.  He didn’t have a plan with rollover minutes.

The gentleman in question wanted to enjoy cheap phone sex without paying for extra minutes or charging several dollars a minute to a credit card for the lady’s time.

What a dilemma for a desperate and determined dude!

In a less-than-brilliant move, he did what any red-blooded male with half a brain would do . . . he dialed 911!

Betty-BoopYup, he called the 911 Operator and asked her what she was wearing.  Then, he asked her if she had a nice ass.

Then, he shared intimate details about his body before asking her a few more questions that NBC censored from the 911 tape being replayed for our listening pleasure.

Paydirt!  The 911 Operator agreed to head over there as soon as her shift ended.

Surprise, surprise, surprise . . . the “hussy” never showed up.  Instead, a patrol car ran round and two officers arrested the dude.

Lumpus-MooseWhen he denied having made a 911 call, the officers called the number on the recorded 911 tape and the dude’s cell phone started ringing.

BUSTED!

Happy April Fool’s Day!  

Virtual Reality: Kings & Pawns March 28, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Politics, Spirit & Ego.
Tags: , , , ,
42 comments

150px-Carlo_Crivelli_052When the white missionaries came to Africa they had the Bible and we had the land. They said ‘Let us pray.’

We closed our eyes.

When we opened them we had the Bible and they had the land. – Desmond Tutu

* * *

Kill one man and you’re a murderer, kill a million and you’re a conqueror. – Jean Rostand

America is so advanced that even the chairs are electric. – Doug Hamwell

We are here on earth to do good unto others.
What the others are here for, I have no idea. – W.H. Auden

Chess

Lawyers believe a man is innocent until proven broke. – Robin Hal

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kickboxing. – Emo Philips

After the game, the King and the Pawn go into the same box. – Italian proverb

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Ramblings of a Retired Mind March 21, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Life Balance, People.
Tags: , , ,
48 comments

grumpy_thinking

(1) You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

(2) The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

(3) Old age => you still have something on the ball but you are just too tired to bounce it.

Mr-Rossi(4) If you live long enough, you reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

(5) Some people try to turn back their “odometers.” Not me. I want people to know why I look this way => I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

(6) Next time you complete a form that asks who to call in an emergency, fill in the blank with . . . “an ambulance.”

(7) The older we get, the more often things go missing.  I’ve found that the easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

James-the-Cat

(8) You know how when first time visitors see a cat litter box, they say, “Oh, have you got a cat?”

Next time I’m going to respond, “No, it’s for company.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Not My Monkey, Not My Circus! March 17, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
Tags: , , , ,
61 comments

monkeysSometimes the illusion of peace in relationships stems from allowing someone else to call ALL the shots while we bite our tongues.

Even then determined drama queens find ways to stir up the dust.

Over time, I’ve gotten better at shrugging off the weight of their disapproval, side-stepping unnecessary conflict, and ignoring de bait.

If necessary, I repeat the mantra:

Not my monkey, not my circus!

Aah . . . that’s better!

How are you at side-stepping determined drama queens?

Related post:  Taming The Mammoth ~ Why You Should Stop Caring What Other People Think (Wait But Why)

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