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Irish Brothel April 25, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , ,
41 comments

150px-Carlo_Crivelli_052Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and goes inside.

“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside.

“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching!” says the second Irishman.

After roundly condemning the vicar and Rabbi, they see their own parish priest knock on the door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

For Retirees April 18, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
50 comments

IMGP3282bFour retirees are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”

They look at each other, thinking this is too good to be true.

Seeing them at the door, the bartender calls out, “C’mon in. What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

Each of the four men orders a martini.

The bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced as the bartender says, “That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents wondering how the bar stays in business. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

The bartender nods.  “I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!”

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsAs the four of them sip their martinis, they notice seven people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retirees from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Definition of Service April 15, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Word Play.
Tags: , , , , ,
47 comments

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsHave you ever wondered how the Internal Revenue Service got its name?

Doesn’t the word “service” seem at odds with its function?

I’ve never been able to reconcile “taking money” and “raiding piggy banks” with the dictionary definition of “service.”

Until today.

3D-CowWhile waiting in line at the Post Office to pay my taxes, I overheard two farmers talking.

One of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.

Now I understand why it’s called the Internal Revenue Service.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  email from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

BTW:  Ever notice when you put “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”?

Retirement Options April 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , , ,
65 comments

At the Arch

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where . . .

1. You park 3 blocks away from home because you found shade.
2. You experience condensation on your ass from hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can retire to New York City where . . .

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
3. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You can retire to the Nebraska where . . .

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
3. The 4 seasons are:  planning, planting, growing, and shucking.

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You can retire to California where . . .

1. You make $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You drive everywhere, even to the neighborhood block party.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
5. When asked how far away something is, you give the distance in minutes, not miles.

You can retire to The Deep South where . . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Joe Bob, Missy Sue.
5. Things are either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”

You can retire to Minnesota where . . .

1. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
2. The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”
3. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
4. You have 17 casserole recipes, but only 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

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You can retire to Florida where . . .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. The 4 seasons are: hurricane, love bug, snowbird, and summer.
4. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
5. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, or podiatrist.

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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Aah . . . that’s better!

How’s Your Backhand? March 7, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
63 comments

Goofy-Riding-A-BikeTwo young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.

The pharmacist at the counter asked the older boy, “Son, how old are you?’

‘Eight’, the boy replied.

The man continued, ‘Do you know what these are used for?’

The boy replied, ‘Not exactly, but they aren’t for me. They’re for him. He’s my brother. He’s four.”

Swimming“Oh, really?” the pharmacist replied with a grin.  “How’s that?”

“We saw on TV that if you buy these you can swim, play tennis and ride a bike. Right now, he can’t do none of those things.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

And The Oscar Goes To . . . Coral Reef! February 23, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
36 comments

This video landed in my mailbox last week and made me laugh out loud.

If we are to believe Jackie Jordan . . . Coral Reef is a true Renaissance Color!

It’s vibrant, uplifting, buoyant, spirited, and joyful . . . with botanical notes . . . and a vintage spirit . . . “something we are truly craving today.”

I don’t know about you, but I don’t need someone else telling me what color to paint my living room.

Aah . . . that’s better!

“Get The Quarterback!” January 31, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
51 comments

Betty-BoopA guy took his girlfriend to the Super Bowl in Arizona.  They had great seats right behind the Seahawk’s bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked it.

“Oh, I really liked it,” she replied, “especially all the big muscles, but I don’t understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and for the rest of the game they kept screaming, Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!  Helloooooo? It’s only 25 cents!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Virtual Reality: Travel January 24, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
Tags: , , ,
46 comments

Earth_Eastern_HemisphereAs I hurtled through space, one thought kept crossing my mind – every part of this rocket was supplied by the lowest bidder. – John Glenn

America is the only country where a significant proportion of the population believes that professional wrestling is real but the moon landing was faked. – David Letterman

If God had intended us to fly he would have made it easier to get to the airport – Jonathan Winters

The best cure for sea sickness, is to sit under a tree. – Spike Milligan

Donald-Duck-DrivingYou know you’re a redneck if your home has wheels and your car doesn’t. – Jeff Foxworthy

In hotel rooms I worry. I can’t be the only guy who sits on the furniture naked. – Jonathan Katz

The first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone. – George Roberts

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Christmas Town at Busch Gardens December 12, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Special Events, Travel & Leisure.
Tags: , ,
32 comments

Last weekend, we went to Busch Gardens in Tampa to enjoy the sights and sounds of Christmas Town.

First stop, Stanleyville Station to ride the Christmas Express.  After boarding, it started to rain. At the conductor’s request, we debarked and huddled together in the station to watch rain drops plopping in puddles for 15 minutes until the conductor asked us to retrace our steps:

“A~L~L    A~B~O~A~R~D!”

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The rain slowed long enough for us to pull out of the station, seated on soggy rainswept seats.

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We took the tracks less traveled . . . and saw behind the scenes hardware.

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As we passed Nairobi, the rains came . . . offering passengers a soggy safari.

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Can you hear My Fair Lady?   “The rain on the plain stays mainly on the train.”

Giraffes craned long necks in our direction.

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They stood high, but not dry, under tall palms.

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I heard them chuckling at prisoners huddled in puddles on the Candy Cane Express.

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After de-boarding, we decided to dry off inside.  We opted to see a show ~ Opening Night Critters ~ featuring rescue dogs, cats, birds, plus a plucky pony, a shy skunk, and a prickly porcupine.

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After the show, we saw other animals ~ elephants, Cape Buffalo, orangutans, and tigers.

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And a kangaroo stationed outside of Walkabout Way.

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Flocks of flamingos paraded around the grounds.

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All decked out in their Christmas finery.

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Amid beautiful floral arrangements.

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We saw fields of poinsettias blanketing a zebra-drawn sleigh.

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Inside the market place, we spied zebras, elephants, and giraffes for sale.

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Ready to be adopted by collectors of all ages.

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Before leaving, we walked through Christmas Village to watch wee ones enjoying a pint sized train.

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As it circled round and round model trains completing smaller loops.

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The trains defied all attempts to capture an unblurred image.  The trees stood silent and still, awash in bright lights while displaying a spirit of cooperation.

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Throughout the park, Christmas trees of all shapes and sizes offered scents of the season.

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This one stood in a pool of white poinsettia.

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And presiding over it all . . . the Big Man himself.

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Urging visitors to “Bring Home The Coke.”  HO~HO~HO!

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Tigger’s Tiggerific Tall Tail Tales December 11, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Amazing Animals, Fun & Games, Humor.
Tags: , , , ,
40 comments

Every year when I unpack Christmas decorations, Tigger appears.

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He likes to take time to smell the roses . . . and poinsettias.

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Before pondering the best placement for Santa and Lulu.

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But he’s never too busy to play hide-and-seek-wrestle with BFF.

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Once BFF finds him, the gloves are off . . .

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“My what big paws you have . . . ”

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“Enough of this!  I need a nap.”

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“What?  I didn’t run away.”

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“Do I LOOK like a quitter?”

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“I’m just getting my second wind.”

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“I’ll wrestle again later.  Tuesday at the latest.”

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Aah . . . that’s better!

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