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Quick Quiz: Retirement July 25, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
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58 comments

grumpy_thinkingHere’s a Quick Quiz about Retirement.  See how many you get right:

1. When is a retiree’s bedtime?
A. Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.

2. How many retirees does it take to change a light bulb?
A. Only one, but it might take all day.

3. Why does a retiree often say he doesn’t miss work, but misses the people he used to work with?
A. He is too polite to tell the whole truth.

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4. What do retirees call a long lunch?
A. Normal.

5. Why don’t retirees clean out the basement, attic or garage?
A. If they do, their adult kids will want to store stuff there.

6. What do retirees call someone who refuses to retire?
A. NUTS!

7. What do retirees consider formal attire?
A. Tied shoes.

8. What do retirees do all week?
A. Monday to Friday, nothing. Saturday & Sunday, they rest.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A Priest & A Pilot @ The Pearly Gates July 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , , ,
30 comments

300px-Paradiso_Canto_31A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates.

Ahead of him is a guy in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans.

Saint Peter addresses this cool dude, “Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?”

“I’m Bruce, retired airline pilot from Toronto.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, “Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff.

Next, it’s the priest’s turn.  He stands erect and booms out, “I am Father John, pastor of Saint Mary’s for the last 43 years.”

Saint Peter consults his list and says, ‘Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom.”

“Just a minute,” says the good father. “That pilot gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be?”

“Up here – we go by results,” says Saint Peter. “When you preached – people slept. When he flew, people prayed.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Illustration:  Wikipedia ~ Heaven (in Public Domain)

Kona Grill & Motorworks Brewery June 15, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Food & Drink, Fun & Games, Humor.
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42 comments

A few weeks back, we went out for Happy Hour, starting with rum tasting at the Drum Circle Distillery.

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A few happy hours later, we ended the outing at Kona Grill where we shared an appetizer portion of smoked gouda fondue with pretzel bites and apple slices for dipping.

One appetizer and neither of us needed dinner that night.

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To make sure I got my full intake of salt, I ordered a margarita.

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Two days later, we went to Motorworks Brewery ~ the largest beer garden in Florida.

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There, we enjoyed great music, gorgeous weather, good beer.

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We used the putting green, tossed bean bags at Corn Holes, and rolled Bocce Balls around.

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We were about to leave and a couple from Tampa offered to buy me another flight of beer.  How could I refuse?

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Gather Round The Good Stuff June 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Fun & Games, Happiness, People.
Tags: , , , , , ,
47 comments

To celebrate our niece’s birthday, we met up at the Melting Pot in Tampa.

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Where we shared Cheese Fondue, Hot Pots, and Chocolate Fondue.

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Amid laughter, teasing, kind-hearted kidding, and general frivolity.

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A week later, we headed south to Sarasota to hook up with relatives from Vermont who winter in North Fort Myers.

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The gathering of the clan included aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brothers, spouses, daughters, and sons.

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In due course, we headed round to Rise Pies to gather round the good stuff.

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C~H~E~E~S~E!!!

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Aah . . . that’s better!

May your week overflow with good times, good friends, and good food!

‘Til Death Do Us Part June 6, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: ,
47 comments

Groom-&-Bride-catsJacob, age 90, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami, are excited about their decision to get married.  They go for a stroll around town to discuss the wedding and on the way they pass a drugstore.

Inside, Jacob addresses the man behind the counter: “Are you the owner?”
The pharmacist answers, “Yes.”

“We’re about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?”
“Of course, we do.”

“How about medicine for circulation?”
“All kinds.”

“Medicine for rheumatism?”
“Definitely.”

“How about suppositories?”
“You bet!”

“Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer’s?”
“Yes, a large variety. The works.”

“Over-the-counter remedies for heartburn and indigestion?”
“We sure do.”

“You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?”
“All speeds and sizes.”

“Adult diapers?”
“Sure.”

“Reading glasses, tweezers, band-aids?”
“Yes, sir.”

“Great! We’d like to use this store as our Bridal Registry!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

How Not To Get Sick In Church May 30, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Spirituality & Faith.
Tags: , , , ,
36 comments

IMGP3928Q.  What’s the best way to avoid getting sick in church, especially during cold and flu season?

A.  Stop going to church.

That’s my solution anyway.

And, no, I’m not worried that some personified deity will smite me down for not attending church services.

After all . . .

What artist would paint a Daisy then punish it for not being a Rose?

Aah . . . that’s better!

Irish Brothel April 25, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , ,
41 comments

150px-Carlo_Crivelli_052Three Irishmen are sitting in the pub window seat, watching the front door of the brothel across the road.

The local Methodist pastor appears, looks up and down the street, and goes inside.

“Would you look at that!” says the first Irishman. “Didn’t I always say what a bunch of hypocrites they are?”

No sooner are the words out of his mouth than a Rabbi appears at the door, looks up and down the street, knocks, and goes inside.

“Another one trying to fool everyone with pious preaching!” says the second Irishman.

After roundly condemning the vicar and Rabbi, they see their own parish priest knock on the door.

“Ah, now dat’s sad,” says the third Irishman. “One of the girls must have died.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

For Retirees April 18, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
50 comments

IMGP3282bFour retirees are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, “Old Timers Bar – ALL drinks 10 cents.”

They look at each other, thinking this is too good to be true.

Seeing them at the door, the bartender calls out, “C’mon in. What’ll it be, gentlemen?”

Each of the four men orders a martini.

The bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, “That’s 10 cents each, please.”

The four guys can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced as the bartender says, “That’s 40 cents, please.”

They pay the 40 cents wondering how the bar stays in business. They’ve each had two martinis and haven’t even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, “How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”

The bartender nods.  “I’m a retired tailor from Phoenix and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it’s all the same.”

“Wow! That’s some story!”

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsAs the four of them sip their martinis, they notice seven people at the end of the bar who don’t have any drinks in front of them.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, “What’s with them?”

The bartender says, “They’re retirees from Florida. They’re waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price.”

Aah . . . that’s better! 

Definition of Service April 15, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Word Play.
Tags: , , , , ,
47 comments

250px-New_Orleans_City_of_Old_Romance_and_New_Opportunity_Crop_p_23_MoneybagsHave you ever wondered how the Internal Revenue Service got its name?

Doesn’t the word “service” seem at odds with its function?

I’ve never been able to reconcile “taking money” and “raiding piggy banks” with the dictionary definition of “service.”

Until today.

3D-CowWhile waiting in line at the Post Office to pay my taxes, I overheard two farmers talking.

One of them said he had hired a bull to service a few cows.

Now I understand why it’s called the Internal Revenue Service.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  email from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

BTW:  Ever notice when you put “The” and “IRS” together it spells “Theirs”?

Retirement Options April 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , , ,
65 comments

At the Arch

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where . . .

1. You park 3 blocks away from home because you found shade.
2. You experience condensation on your ass from hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can retire to New York City where . . .

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
3. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You can retire to the Nebraska where . . .

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
3. The 4 seasons are:  planning, planting, growing, and shucking.

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You can retire to California where . . .

1. You make $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You drive everywhere, even to the neighborhood block party.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
5. When asked how far away something is, you give the distance in minutes, not miles.

You can retire to The Deep South where . . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Joe Bob, Missy Sue.
5. Things are either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”

You can retire to Minnesota where . . .

1. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
2. The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”
3. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
4. You have 17 casserole recipes, but only 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.

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You can retire to Florida where . . .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. The 4 seasons are: hurricane, love bug, snowbird, and summer.
4. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
5. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, or podiatrist.

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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Aah . . . that’s better!

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