jump to navigation

Lawyer Jokes Never Get Old August 13, 2022

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People, Word Play.
trackback

Lawyer jokes have been around for eons ~ some date way way back to the works of Shakespeare.

The reason lawyer jokes have staying power is because they are FUNNY.

Forsooth, it’s fun to make fun of attorneys.

Especially the staid and stuffy ones.  And the paunchy pompous ones.  And the . . .

In truth, even attorneys enjoy poking fun at attorneys.

And that’s why lawyer jokes never get old.

First off, despite what “they” say, some questions ARE stupid:

Attorney: “How was your first marriage terminated?”
Witness: “By death.”
Attorney: “And by whose death was it terminated?”
Witness: “Guess.”

* * *

Attorney: “Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?”
Witness: “All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.”

* * *

Judge (to young witness): Do you know what would happen to you if you told a lie?
Witness: Yes. I would go to hell.
Judge: Is that all?
Witness: Isn’t that enough?

Sometimes questions require a bit of clarification . . . in order to avoid speculation:

Q: Have you ever heard about taking the Fifth?
A: A fifth of wine?
Q: No, the Fifth Amendment.

* * *

Q: What did your sister die of?
A: You would have to ask her. I would be speculating if I told you.

But let us not forget that attorneys are not the only vehicle for levity in the legal arena.

Some defendants aren’t too bright either:

Q: Isn’t it a fact that you have been running around with another woman?
A: Yes, it is, but you can’t prove it!

* * *

I was in juvenile court, prosecuting a teen suspected of burglary, when the judge asked everyone to stand and state his or her name and role for the court reporter.
“Leah Rauch, deputy prosecutor,” I said.
“Linda Jones, probation officer.”
“Sam Clark, public defender.”
“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

* * *

Arrested on a robbery charge, our law firm’s client denied the allegations. So when the victim pointed him out in a lineup as one of four men who had attacked him, our client reacted vociferously.

“He’s lying!” he yelled. “There were only three of us.”

As every litigator knows, you win some, you lose some:

An investment banker decides she needs in-house counsel, so she interviews a young lawyer. “Mr. Peterson,” she says. “Would you say you’re honest?”

“Honest?” replies Peterson. “Let me tell you something about honesty. My father lent me $85,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my first case.”

“Impressive. And what sort of case was that?”

“Dad sued me for the money.”

* * *

Sidewalks were treacherous after a heavy snowstorm blanketed the University of Idaho campus. Watching people slip and slide, I gingerly made my way to class.

Suddenly I found myself on a clean, snow-free section of walkway. This is weird, I thought—until I noticed that it was directly in front of the College of Law building.

* * *

As a judge, I was sentencing criminal defendants when I saw a vaguely familiar face. I reviewed his record and found that the man was a career criminal, except for a five-year period in which there were no convictions.

“Milton,” I asked, puzzled, “how is it you were able to stay out of trouble for those five years?”

“I was in prison,” he answered. “You should know that—you were the one who sent me there.”

“That’s not possible,” I said. “I wasn’t even a judge then.”

“No, you weren’t the judge,” the defendant countered, smiling mischievously. “You were my lawyer.”

170px-PuckCover

Even Voir Dire (the jury selection process) can offer up moments of levity:

As a potential juror in an assault-and-battery case, I was sitting in a courtroom, answering questions from both sides. The assistant district attorney asked such questions as: Had I ever been mugged? Did I know the victim or the defendant?

The defence attorney took a different approach, however. “I see you are a teacher,” he said. “What do you teach?”

“English and theatre,” I responded.

“Then I guess I better watch my grammar,” the defence attorney quipped.

“No,” I shot back. “You better watch your acting.”

When the laughter in the courtroom died down, I was excused from the case.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Comments»

1. Rivergirl - August 13, 2022

I think a fifth of wine was a perfectly reasonable answer.
🍷

nrhatch - August 13, 2022

Exactly! The question didn’t specify, clarify, or codify.

2. Kate Crimmins - August 13, 2022

Given enough time, most people shoot themselves in the foot.

nrhatch - August 13, 2022

It’s fun to watch, Kate . . . as long as they don’t use a real gun!

Kate Crimmins - August 13, 2022

I was involved in depositions for employee lawsuits. I was always amazed at how employees killed their own case! Eye opener. Lesson is the less said the better.

nrhatch - August 13, 2022

Sometimes “silence” is the best policy!

3. Ally Bean - August 13, 2022

“John,” said the teen who was on trial. “I’m the one who stole the truck.”

Love that one. I had a friend who was a prosecuting attorney in a impoverished county and she had oodles of stories like that one. Sometimes the accused ain’t that bright.

nrhatch - August 13, 2022

Trial transcripts (and attorney recollections) can be an endless source of amusement ~> LOTS of stupid questions and LOTS of stupid answers. 😀

4. Debra - August 13, 2022

These are great, Nancy. There are a number of attorneys in our family, including my son, and we love to tease them. They are so attuned to the way information is conveyed and at times I have to remind my son I’m not on the witness stand. LOL! So all is fair! 🙂

nrhatch - August 13, 2022

I have been guilty of “cross examining” people myself. It’s a hard habit to break. 😀

5. walkingoffthechessboard - August 13, 2022

These had me laughing throughout. Absolutely, courtrooms have moments were the audience has to be admonished for laughing too loudly, even in the most serious of instances. Indeed in lots of “lawyer humor,” the joke is really on the non-lawyers. You kind of – a little bit – feel sorry for lawyers having to wade through all these kind of responses. 🙂

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

Even when everyone involved is doing “their best,” questions and answers create unintended (and sometimes intended) moments of levity . . . which is good. Humor in the courtroom helps to lighten the mood a bit.

I have lots of real lawyer jokes posted on SLTW. Some of the best are here:

Snakes, Sharks, and Lawyers

walkingoffthechessboard - August 14, 2022

Nancy, thanks for sending me the link to the earlier post. Much appreciated…more laughs! 🙂

6. Behind the Story - August 14, 2022

They’re all funny. I especially enjoyed the one that took place in juvenile court where John identified himself as the one who stole the truck.

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

I know. Poor dear. He will probably not go far in life. 😀

7. granny1947 - August 14, 2022

Thanks so much for the morning smiles.
Great way to start the day.

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

I love to start my days with a good laugh . . . or at least a chuckle!

8. judithhb - August 14, 2022

Just getting ready to end the day and falling about laughing. Thanks, Nancy.

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

I’ll paraphrase my response to granny:

I love to end each day with a good laugh . . . or at least a chuckle!

9. mybeautfulthings - August 14, 2022

Loved these, thank you. I shall share them with my brother and his wife, retired now but once both lawyers in Atlanta. Cheers. 🙂

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

I enjoyed practicing law, but being a RETIRED lawyer is one of the best things to be! 😀

mybeautfulthings - August 15, 2022

Being a retired anything is such a treat! 🙂

nrhatch - August 15, 2022

Agreed!

10. Val Boyko - August 14, 2022

Thank you for these Nancy. There are some pure gems there 🤣

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

Glad you enjoyed, Val. I have a fondness for funny moments like these.

Val Boyko - August 14, 2022

It shows. Thank you 🥰

nrhatch - August 15, 2022

To giggles and grins!

11. joyroses13 - August 14, 2022

These are great! I can’t remember the exact words but a funny moment when I was in court was when a character witness for the defendent was called to testify. All he had to do was affirm that he was a trustworthy guy. The judge couldn’t get him to say it! LOL! He was like , Well, I don’t know him that well, he seems like a good guy … ” It was a nice break in the tensioon of the day..

nrhatch - August 14, 2022

Haha! It’s funny when witnesses beat around the bush causing the attorneys who are relying on their testimony to get a bit nervous. 😀

joyroses13 - August 14, 2022

The judge finally dismissed him after the attorney asked him 3x and he wouldn’t give a clear answer!

nrhatch - August 15, 2022

It’s fun to watch people wiggle and wriggle to get out of jury service too. They don’t want to say that they can’t be fair and impartial but they don’t want to serve. 😀


What Say YOU?

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

%d bloggers like this: