Take a deep breath, expanding your belly. Pause. Exhale slowly to the count of five. Repeat four times.
Expect Wrinkles! November 29, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Humor, Life Balance.comments closed
While discussing the holidays with a fellow bridge player, she mentioned that she used to spend four hours (4!!!) ironing her tablecloth for Thanksgiving (and other Holiday meals).
“Yowsa! What took so long?”
“To keep it off the floor, I had to drape it over the backs of chairs. As I ironed one section, another section got wrinkled.”
“Gotcha. I gotta say that I do NOT have that type of attention to detail when setting the stage for the Thanksgiving feast.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope. I just accept that there will be wrinkles.”
Notice how smiles around the table make the wrinkles disappear?
If you come to my house for a holiday meal, expect wrinkles . . . and smiles!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Aye, Laddie, It’s A Real Kilt Lifter! November 26, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.comments closed
Looking for a grand guffaw? Here’s one that’s a real kilt lifter:
A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was in progress. A sign read: “Don’t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman.”
The salesman bought a ticket and sat down.
There, on centre stage, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Scotsman. Suddenly the old man lifted his kilt, whipped out a huge willy, and smashed the walnuts with three mighty swings!
The crowd erupted in applause as the elderly Scot was carried off on the shoulders of the crowd.
Ten years later the salesman visited the same little town and saw a faded poster for the same circus and the same sign “Don’t miss Bruce The Amazing Scotsman.”
He couldn’t believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act! He bought a ticket.
Again, the centre ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Scotsman stood before them, then lifted his kilt and shattered the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.
The crowd went wild!
Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show.
“You’re incredible!” he told the Scotsman. “But I have to know something. You’re older now, why switch from walnuts to coconuts?”
“Well laddie,” said the Scot, “Ma eyes are nae whit they used tae be.”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
Teaching Old Birds New Tricks! November 23, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Joke.comments closed
A young man named John received a parrot as a gift.
The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary.
Every word out of the bird’s mouth was rude, obnoxious, and laced with profanity.
John tried to change the bird’s attitude by saying only polite words, playing soft music, and encouraging the bird to “clean up” its vocabulary.
Finally, John had enough and yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot. In response, the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed.
Then, nothing. Total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute.
Fearing that he’d hurt the parrot, John threw open the door to the freezer.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto John’s outstretched arms and said, “I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I’m sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior.”
John was stunned at the transformation in the bird’s attitude.
As John was about to ask the parrot what had caused such a dramatic shift in his attitude, the bird said, “May I ask what the turkey did?”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Inspiration: e-mail from unknown author
To those in the States ~> HAPPY (almost) THANKSGIVING!
I am grateful for what I am and have.
My thanksgiving is perpetual . . .
O how I laugh when I think of my vague indefinite riches.
No run on my bank can drain it
for my wealth is not possession but enjoyment.~ Henry David Thoreau
Mystic India November 21, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Meditation, Music & Dance.comments closed
In the midst of the holiday hustle and bustle, taking time to press the “pause button” is important. Here’s one of my favorite calming soothing mantras from the Mystic India CD:
To further calm and soothe yourself:
Congratulations. You’ve just calmed your nervous system.
Controlled breathing, like what you just practiced, has been shown to reduce stress, increase alertness and boost your immune system. For centuries yogis have used breath control, or pranayama, to promote concentration and improve vitality. Buddha advocated breath-meditation as a way to reach enlightenment.
Science is just beginning to provide evidence that the benefits of this ancient practice are real. Studies have found, for example, that breathing practices can help reduce symptoms associated with anxiety, insomnia, post-traumatic stress disorder, depression and attention deficit disorder.
To read more: Breathe. Exhale. Repeat. (NY Times)
Aah . . . that’s better!
Sniffer’s Search Turns To $&*%! November 19, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor, Joke.comments closed
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when a second man sat down in the aisle seat; his black Labrador Retriever hopped into the middle seat next to the first man.
Surprised, the first man said, “I didn’t know dogs were allowed to fly in passenger seats.”
“I’m from the DEA, the Drugs Enforcement Agency. Sniffer is a sniffing dog and he’s the best there is. Once we get airborne, I’ll put him to work.”
The plane took off. As soon as it leveled out, the DEA agent said, “Sniffer . . . SEARCH.”
Sniffer jumped down, walked a few steps down the aisle, and sat next to a woman for several seconds. The dog then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent’s arm.
“Good boy.” The agent turned to his seat mate and said, ‘That woman is in possession of marijuana. I’m making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land.”
“Gee, that’s pretty good.”
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles.
The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, and returned to its seat. This time he placed two paws on the agent’s arm.
“That man is carrying cocaine. I’m making a note of his seat number for the police.”
“Impressive!”
“Sniffer . . . SEARCH.”
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a short time, sat down for no more than a few seconds, and then came racing back to the agent.
This time he jumped into his seat and took a dump.
The first man said, “OMG! Shit! That’s disgusting! WTF?”
“Crap . . . he found a bomb.”
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
A 21 Day Happiness Challenge November 17, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Health & Wellness, Life Balance, Mindfulness.comments closed
Julie (@ the Flexi Foodie) is leading a 21 Day Happiness Challenge starting December 3rd.
Just in time for the holidays!
What better gift to give yourself this holiday season than the joy of happiness?
From her site:
Get weekly emails with simple challenges and activities to help you say YES to your health and happiness during the hectic holiday season.
Happiness is healthy.
After 21 days you’ll have increased energy, you’ll sleep better, you’ll feel healthier, and you’ll feel happier. Just in time for the holidays.
10 minutes a day is all you need.
Each week I send you a challenge activity to do every day that week. Do the activity anytime during the day – whenever you can find a spare 10 minutes. The activity will boost your mood, your energy, and your health and will only take 10 minutes.
You will feel transformed from the inside out! Get ready to see how prioritizing small moments of self care can lead to a healthier, happier, you.
For all the details: Join the FREE 21 Day Happiness Challenge
“Praise and blame, gain and loss, pleasure and sorrow come and go like the wind. To be happy, rest like a giant tree in the midst of them all.”
~ The Buddha
Aah . . . that’s better!
There’s An App For That? November 15, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Life Balance, Writing & Writers.comments closed
I am enjoying getting to know my way around two new Apple devices . . . despite the S~T~E~E~P learning curve encountered in transitioning from Windows XP (and an archaic flip phone).
Navigating the menu bars on these high-tech tools has been both fun and time-consuming.
A whole new world of technology has opened up for me, including that of the App store.
So today’s post will be über short . . .
Just a quick question:
What’s your favorite App?
Aah . . . that’s better!
A Well-Planned Retirement November 12, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.comments closed
From The London Times:
Outside England’s Bristol Zoo there is a parking lot for 150 cars and 8 buses. For 25 years, its parking fees were managed by a very pleasant attendant …
The fees for cars ($1.40), for buses (about $7).
Then, one day, after 25 solid years of never missing a day of work, he just didn’t show up; so the zoo management called the city council and asked it to send them another parking agent.
The council did some research and replied that the parking lot was the zoo’s own responsibility. The zoo advised the council that the attendant was a city employee. The city council responded that the lot attendant had never been on the city payroll.
Meanwhile, sitting in his villa somewhere on the coast of Spain, or France, or Italy, is a man who’d apparently had a ticket booth installed completely on his own and then had simply begun to show up every day, commencing to collect and keep the parking fees, estimated at about $560 per day — for 25 years.
Assuming 7 days a week, this amounts to over $5 million dollars . . . and no one even knows his name.
Aah . . . That’s the ticket!
Source: E-mail from Kate Crimmons (Thanks, Kate!)
Snopes reports that this Urban Legend is . . . False. But a girl can dream, right?
Remaning Awake & Aware November 9, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Magick & Mystery, Mindfulness, Spirit & Ego.comments closed
Val’s recent post Shifting Allegiances caused me to re-visit the events described in Fire & Rain. Doing so, helped me see why what we did . . . and did not do . . . made so much sense to me at the time and hence:
Being curious instead of fearful had something to do with why we didn’t run out of the building into the pouring rain when the fire alarm sounded . . .
Instead of trying to control the situation, we trusted that our collective intuition would encourage us to move in plenty of time if we were really in harm’s way . . .
Instead of being attached to the stories swirling in our head about what the alarm “might” mean, we let go of our prejudgments and stayed in the present moment . . .
And when it proved to be a false alarm, we were grateful that we were warm and safe and dry . . .
Aah . . . That’s Better!
”What are you ~ a god, an angel, a saint?”
“No,” replied The Buddha, “I am A-W-A-K-E.”
Here Comes The Bride November 7, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Happiness, Home & Garden, People.comments closed
I attended a bridal shower for my niece on Saturday.
One of the games involved designing wedding gowns for a willing member of each team.
Team A got off to a terrific start using the only material provided . . .
Rolls of cheap toilet paper . . .
Racing against the clock, Team B took an entirely different approach to the challenge.
Team C won the prize for chugging out of the station with the best train and bouquet.
But the shower wasn’t all fun and games.
The Bride-To-Be opened her shower gifts . . .
None of which had a thing to do with rain showers, summer showers, April showers, or taking a shower.
After presents, she said, “Let them eat CAKE!”
Chocolate cake.
Accompanied by chocolate covered strawberries.
And cups of chocolate mousse.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Spirit Lights The Way 