Cool Jazz, Hot Fries, Prying Eyes June 29, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Food & Drink, Humor.comments closed
Sitting on the beach, listening to cool jazz, we decided a few nibbles were in order.
BFF walked over to order some fries ~ “chips” to Brits.
As BFF carried the plate of fresh fried potatoes back to our chairs in the sand, hungry eyes watched his progress.
By the time he sat down, a crowd of on-lookers had gathered round.
We found ourselves engulfed by forty odd gulls at the Gulf.
Ignoring their obvious intent, I leaned in, extracted a fragrant fry, dipped it into the Heinz, and lifted it to my mouth.
Fry mid-flight, a gull swooped down with Hitchcock-esque timing, intent on snatching the snack before it made it Down the Hatch.
The gull, scrabbling for purchase on the hot potato, convinced us that these airborne pirates would not be dissuaded.
They were going for the gold!
Some battles are meant to be fought. At other times, evasive maneuvers are the most promising battle tactic.
While the band of thieves focused beady eyes on the prize, we grabbed the plated fries and ran for cover.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Artwork by Marlane Wurzbach ~ available at Marlane Wurzbach.com.
Boost Your Brain Power June 27, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Health & Wellness, Meditation.comments closed
Want to have fun while boosting your smarts? Here are 5 hobbies that may boost your brain power:
#1 Playing Chess ~ raises IQ, stimulates creativity, improves memory and concentration, and helps grow dendrites.
No, no . . . not dandruff. Dendrites.
Hurry! Dust off the chess board.
NOW!
#2 Reading & Writing ~ benefits cognitive abilities and creativity, relieves stress, stimulates the cerebral cortex, builds new synapses, expands vocabulary and knowledge base, and makes you better, faster, stronger, and more interesting to be around.
It does so! Stop arguing with me and go read a book!
#3 Exercising ~ reduces stress, improves blood flow to the brain (and elsewhere), releases feel-good neurotransmitters, and fertilizes the hippocampus causing it to grow bigger, better, stronger, faster.
No . . . not hippopotamus. Hippocampus.
Get out the dictionary. Then drop and give me 20!
#4 Playing a musical instrument ~ listening to music is good for the brain, but playing an instrument is great for the brain since it requires both hemispheres to work together making you better, faster, stronger, and more coordinated.
I got rhythm . . . I got music . . . I got brain power . . . who could ask for anything more?
#5 Meditation ~ great for expanding learning, cognition, memory, empathy, compassion and more.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Blondes Have More Fun June 25, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.comments closed
A blonde motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down . . .
The man walked up to the car and asked, “Are you going to San Diego?”
“Sure,” answered the blonde, “do you need a lift?”
“Not for me. I need to stay here and fix my truck. But I’ve got two chimpanzees in the back that have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They’re a bit stressed already so I don’t want to keep them here all day. If you could take them to the zoo for me, that would be great. I’ll give you $200 for your trouble.”
“I’d be happy to,” said the blonde.
So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde’s car and strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.
Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through San Diego when he spotted the blonde walking down the street holding hands with the two chimps, to the amusement of a big crowd.
With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blonde.
“What are you doing here?” he demanded, “I gave you $200 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo!”
“Yes, I know you did,” said the blonde. “But we had money left over so now we’re going to Sea World.”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
Picture-In-Picture Dreaming June 23, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Home & Garden, Humor, Life Balance, Magick & Mystery.comments closed
While dreaming, I “woke up” in our home on the banks of the Chesapeake Bay and heard BFF say, “You might not have water aerobics today.”
Through the blinds, I saw nothing but blue sky and sunshine. “Why not?”
“There’s an odd cloud formation tap dancing over the water and it’s headed this way.”
I opened the blinds more fully. My brain went to Full Alert when it saw a tornado the size of Kansas waltzing toward us.
Oddly enough, I wasn’t scared.
Just determined.
I wanted to grab the camera and snap the juxtaposition of black storm funnel against the bluest sky I’d ever seen.
Halfway across the room, the wind caught up with me.
The air grew dense. I felt as if I were wading through water . . .
Making no headway.
I kept at it
trying
to get
to the other
side of
the room.
A task fraught with the same degree of difficulty as trying to reach the top of the staircase in one of M.C. Escher’s creations.
Relativity is relative, eh?
As the wind shook the foundation, my perspective shifted.
I let go of the desire to capture the events on my camera, but I did want to see what was happening.
Confined inside the house looking out caused frustration to mount. I felt constrained by my limited vantage point.
Where is Escher when you need him?
With that thought, a “picture-in-picture” screen appeared in the upper left corner of my dream . . . expanding my perspective to encompass the action unfolding outside the walls.
Awesome!
Settling back to watch Movies on Demand, I saw the house lift off its foundation and begin its ascent into the cosmos, no doubt inspired by Dorothy and Toto’s wild ride to Oz.
We twirled and whirled in the vortex until . . .
the house
tired of sailing
through the stratosphere
sans mast
settled back
down
on
terra firma
with a slight bump.
As we rejoined the land down under, the picture-in-picture screen provided expanded perspective . . . a balloon’s eye view.
Like a stray leaf tired of waltzing in the autumn breeze, our house drifted back to earth and settled itself in the middle of a basketball court.
Great. BFF’s been wanting to play some hoops!
Aah . . . that’s better!
No witches were harmed in the shooting of this dream.
Over And Out June 21, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Health & Wellness, Humor, Magick & Mystery, Spirit & Ego.comments closed
Note to self: Do NOT get in cars with old people.
I dreamt an elderly neighbor was driving me to the store. Instead of stopping and parking, her foot stayed on the gas as the car crawled to the far edge of the parking lot.
Moving at slightly less than a snail’s pace.
Marilyn bumped into the bumper at a sensible 1-2 mph. So slow that instead of bouncing back, the tires rose to the challenge and started climbing up and over the bumper.
Dreams being what they are, the scene transformed from a flat as a pancake parking lot in Florida to a parking lot abutting the top of a steep ravine.
As the car kept climbing, I gauged that the gaping gorge was at least as deep as the Grand Canyon.
“STOP! Marilyn, STOP.”
Too late.
The car went up and over the tire guard and landed on the other side.
Only one problem: There wasn’t any land there to land on.
The car slipped toward the precipice.
Climbing out was no longer an option since the car was suspended in air, teetering on the abyss with nothing to climb out on to.
I turned to get Marilyn’s reaction to our precarious situation and noticed she was already gone . . . with the dead weight of her right foot pressing on the accelerator instead of the brake.
The car continued to move forward and I felt the back tires begin their ascent over the bumper guard.
Realizing we were toast, I grabbed my cell phone and dialed.
“911 Operator. What’s your emergency?”
“Our car is careening off the cliff behind the CVS.”
I heard her parroting into the radio: “Dispatch ~ rescue vehicles needed at the top of the cliff behind the CVS. Over.”
In real life, there is no cliff behind the CVS. Just beach. But reality never deters our dreams, does it?
She returned to the line with me: “Ma’am. Rescue vehicles are on the way. Hang on.”
“I would if I could. But there’s nothing to hang on to. Nothing to do at this point but relax and enjoy the ride down. By the time help arrives, we’ll be at the bottom of the cliff, not the top. Tell my husband . . .”
As soon as I realized I could do nothing to change the “what is,” calm acceptance flooded my being.
Instead of being scared, I was curious.
Watching to see what would happen to “me” once my body ceased to be.
* * *
Of course, I didn’t even get a glimpse of what waits for us beyond the veil since I woke up mid-flight.
As the car raced head over heels to the bottom of the ravine, I surfaced from sleep and found myself safe and sound in bed.
Instead of being happy to be alive, I felt cheated.
I wanted a sneak peek!
Aah . . . that’s better!
An Amazing Super Power June 18, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.comments closed
Once, when trapped on an elevator in the courthouse with a VERY ANGRY person who was spewing venom at a judge who had just ruled against him (as his “sister” nodded along and kept the vituperative juices flowing) . . . I decided to use my most amazing super power in a death-defying feat.
First, I stated the obvious: “You said the F-word.”
Then I flashed a B~I~G grin.
Interrupted mid-tirade, he swiveled in my direction, glared at me, opened his mouth to tell me to mind my own fucking business . . . and then the grin on my face registered and he burst out laughing!
Humor may not be able to leap tall buildings in a single bound, but it can diffuse the ticking time bomb of ANGER with a single grin.
Aah . . . that’s better!
The Tip of the Iceberg June 15, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Mindfulness, People.comments closed
It’s hard enough to know people we spend time with on a daily basis since we see only the tip of the iceberg.
Much of who they are is hidden below the water line.
It is next to impossible to know people we’ve never met . . .
Setting aside speculation based on fertile imagination.
Once we stop analyzing others to find their “fault lines,” we often realize that who they are is not an issue we need to tackle.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related posts: In Which A “Doofus” Makes Himself Known In The Colonoscopy Waiting Area (Ally Bean); Taming the Mammoth: Why You Should Stop Caring About What Other People Think (Wait But Why)
It’s Great To Be A Bag Lady! June 13, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Humor.comments closed
The Friends of the Island Library hold a book sale every year to raise funds for speakers and other expenses.
At the end of the sale, any unsold books get donated to Goodwill.
That is, they donate any books that don’t get snagged during the Bag Sale ~ when books are sold at the rock bottom price of $2 a bag!
That’s right . . . grab a bag, stuff it full of books, pay $2 and leave.
I love being a Bag Lady at the book sale! I fill a couple of bags with books and give them a quick look before donating the vast majority to Goodwill.
Everyone wins!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: ¿Cómo se dice? . . .
What A Conundrum! June 11, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.comments closed
Diamond D’s brothel began construction on an expansion of their building to accommodate their ever-growing business.
In response, the local Baptist Church started a campaign to block the business from expanding ~ with morning, afternoon, and evening prayer sessions at their church.
Work on Diamond D’s progressed right up until the week before the grand re-opening when lightning struck the whorehouse and burned it to the ground.
After the brothel burned down, members of the congregation grew rather smug, bragging about “the power of prayer.”
“Big Jugs” (Jill Diamond), the owner/madam, overheard them bragging and got an idea.
A week later, she sued the church, the preacher, and the entire congregation in a civil action for negligence.
In the complaint, Jugs contended that the church, preacher, and congregation “caused the demise of her building and her business ~ either through direct or indirect divine actions or means.”
She claimed entitlement to both damages and punitive damages, arguing that “the church and its congregation acted with malice aforethought to destroy her business and building.”
In its answer to the complaint, the church vehemently and vociferously denied any and all responsibility or connection to the building’s demise.
After reading through the plaintiff’s complaint and defendants’ answer, the astute judge gave a brief synopsis of the case at the hearing on defendant’s motion for summary judgment:
“I don’t know how I’m going to decide this motion, but it certainly presents an interesting conundrum. From my initial review of the pleadings, it appears that we have a whorehouse owner who staunchly believes in the power of prayer, and an entire church congregation that thinks it’s all bullshit.”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
A Cyber Elf On The Shelf June 9, 2016
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Less IS More, People.comments closed
I don’t do much shopping on-line (or at brick and mortar stores).
When I do, I’ve noticed products stalking me in sidebars. It’s like having a Cyber Elf on the Shelf peering over my shoulder monitoring my every move.
I don’t appreciate it.
That type of constant intrusion is one reason I closed my FB account.
And why I won’t buy a smart phone.
And why I don’t shop at grocery stores that require shoppers to use a Savings Card to take advantage of Weekly Specials.
I don’t want grocery stores, Cyber Elves, Ma Bell, or Big Brother tracking my purchases.
I don’t need creepy cyber clowns or Homeland Security agents to keep tabs on my whereabouts.
As long as I know where I am and what I’m doing, that’s enough!
And, now, while Big Brother is watching you, I’m going to make a run for it!
Aah . . . that’s better!
Related post: Stalked By Facial Recognition Doohickeys (Coffee Kat)
Spirit Lights The Way 