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A Message From Queen Elizabeth II April 9, 2016

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
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220px-Shackleton's_Ship_Quest_1921To the citizens of the United States of America from Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II:

In light of your failure to nominate competent candidates for the Presidency of the USA, and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence.

Effective immediately . . .

Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories (except North Dakota, which she does not fancy).

Your new Prime Minister, David Cameron, will appoint a Governor for America without the need for further elections.

Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire may be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. The letter ‘U’ will be reinstated in words such as ‘colour,’ ‘favour,’ ‘labour’ and ‘neighbour.’ Likewise, you will learn to spell ‘doughnut’ without skipping half the letters, and the suffix ‘-ize’ will be replaced by the suffix ‘-ise.’ Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.

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2. Using the same twenty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as ”like’ and ‘you know’ is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication. There is no such thing as U.S. English. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to take into account the reinstated letter ‘u” and the elimination of ‘-ize.’

3. July 4th will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

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4. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers, or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you’re not quite ready to be independent.

Guns should only be used for shooting grouse. If you can’t sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you’re not ready to shoot grouse.

5. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. Although a permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

6. All intersections will be replaced with roundabouts, and you will start driving on the left side with immediate effect. At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. Both roundabouts and metrication will help you understand the British sense of humour.

7. The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you have been calling gasoline) of roughly $10/US gallon. Get used to it.

8. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call French fries are not real chips, and those things you insist on calling potato chips are properly called crisps. Real chips are thick cut, fried in animal fat, and dressed not with catsup but with vinegar.

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9. The cold, tasteless stuff you insist on calling beer is not actually beer at all. Henceforth, only proper British Bitter will be referred to as beer, and European brews of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as Lager. South African beer is also acceptable, as they are pound for pound the greatest sporting nation on earth and it can only be due to the beer. They are also part of the British Commonwealth – see what it did for them. American brands will be referred to as Near-Frozen Gnat’s Urine, so that all can be sold without risk of further confusion.

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10. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Hollywood will also be required to cast English actors to play English characters. Watching Andie Macdowell attempt English dialect in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one’s ears removed with a cheese grater.

11. You will cease playing American football. There is only one kind of proper football; you call it soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American football, but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

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12. Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the World Series for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. You will learn cricket, and we will let you face the South Africans first to take the sting out of their deliveries.

13.. You must tell us who killed JFK. It’s been driving us mad.

14. An internal revenue agent (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty’s Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

15. Daily Tea Time begins promptly at 4 p.m. with proper cups, with saucers, and never mugs, with high quality biscuits (cookies) and cakes; plus strawberries (with cream) when in season.

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Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

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Comments»

1. Val Boyko - April 9, 2016

A classic!… and yes she has a point.
Rule Britannia 😎
Except when you are living in the USA!

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Particularly appropriate given the peculiar slate of candidates duking it out this year.

Val Boyko - April 10, 2016

I agree Nancy. My passport is up to date if worst comes to the worst!

nrhatch - April 10, 2016

Great to have an “exit plan” in place.

2. anotherday2paradise - April 9, 2016

The Queen has spoken and she is not amused. 😅

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Who can blame her? Having Trump trump so many other (equally unviable) candidates is funny . . . but only in an odd not a humorous way.

3. Jill Weatherholt - April 9, 2016

Okay…I’ll try and ignore #11.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Cricket, Rugby, Football, Soccer, Baseball . . . it’s all the same to me. Now Golf! There’s a sport! Who wouldn’t want to chase a small ball around a large course punctuated with gopher holes!

4. BunKaryudo - April 9, 2016

Love it! This was hilarious. As it happens, I was just about to get myself some near-frozen gnats urine.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Enjoy your beverage, Bun! I do wonder if microbrews might pass muster with her majesty?

BunKaryudo - April 9, 2016

I’m not sure if I should comment on the topic of her majesty passing various liquids. Don’t want to lose my head.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Haha! Good thinking, Bun. You don’t want to walk about with an EMPTY bag atop your shoulders.

Anne Lene @ MinimalistSometimes - April 10, 2016

Lol

5. Rainee - April 9, 2016

I enjoyed this one Nancy. We are following the lead up to the election with anticipation and a little concern :-).

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

The political shenanigans in the US are a little concerning. I’m pleased that her majesty has taken notice.

Last night, I watched “The Ides of March” ~ a movie highlighting that political campaigns and integrity don’t mix.

6. Ally Bean - April 9, 2016

Brilliant. At least there’s one adult around who knows how to make a country run smoothly. God Bless the Queen.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

I’m sure England (and Greater Britannia) face a few challenges, but their figure-head looks better on postage stamps than Trump ever would.

7. William D'Andrea - April 9, 2016

This is an excellent work of fiction! Are you the one who actually wrote it Nancy? If this was posted on webook.com, I’d give it a 5 star rating.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Agreed! And, nope, not my original work.
As indicated on the last line:

Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

8. Kate Crimmins - April 9, 2016

Doesn’t sound like a bad idea except for the warm beer.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

As long as we’re not limited to piss warm Guinness . . . which is a bit too Stout for me.

Kate Crimmins - April 9, 2016

I’m a light beer drinker myself.

9. L. Marie - April 9, 2016

That’s HILARIOUS!! I can get used to spelling COLOR as COLOUR.

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Exactly! We can practice over pots of tea every day at four.

10. Carol Ferenc - April 9, 2016

Hmm . . . I think the Queen is on to something here. Could the solution to our problems be that simple?

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Probably not . . . but it’s fun (and funny) to imagine shifting our gears like this!

11. Barb - April 9, 2016

Hilarious!

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

I got a great laugh out of this one.

12. diannegray - April 9, 2016

I’ve yet to hear Trump mention the Queen of England, he would probably want her to kneel before him, tell her she’s FIRED, and then comment on her looks in less than polite terms.

Great post and very funny indeed! 😀

nrhatch - April 9, 2016

Hahaha! You nailed Trump . . . to a capital “T.”

13. Debra - April 9, 2016

A royal intervention may indeed be necessary, so I’d better get started practicing my spelling if I’m going to be properly prepared. I’m a little concerned about giving up my 4th of July plans, though! 🙂

nrhatch - April 10, 2016

Yes . . . it’s hard to imagine how one would have a clandestine fireworks display without tipping their hand to the Queen.

14. Under the Oaks - April 10, 2016

I like it! Except for #7. CH would love #9. #15 is a problem because tea time is our wine time! Fourth of July… I would not miss the fireworks!

nrhatch - April 10, 2016

Good picks, Pix!
#7 would be a tough adjust!
#15 might be fun if we rolled right into wine time from tea time . . . or merged the two with Long Island Iced Tea!

Under the Oaks - April 10, 2016

This was a fun post!

nrhatch - April 11, 2016

It’s an interesting kettle of fish to ponder.

15. roughwighting - April 12, 2016

Sounds good to me! (Particularly the mandatory Tea Time with biscuits and cream! 🙂

nrhatch - April 12, 2016

Tea Time (taking a break to pause and refresh) is a terrific practice ~ a reminder to recharge our batteries before the last lap of the day.

roughwighting - April 12, 2016

I have lots of English blood in me. Thus, I love flowery wallpaper and Tea Time.

nrhatch - April 12, 2016

One of our New Year’s traditions (before moving to Florida) was inviting neighbors to Tea on January 1st ~ it was a great way to share all the sweet treats made or gifted to us for the holidays. A big “pause and refresh.”

roughwighting - April 12, 2016

I LOVE that tradition!

nrhatch - April 12, 2016

So did they. Enough so that they asked us not to move to FL.

16. Paula Tohline Calhoun - April 17, 2016

Hi old pal! (I turned 65 last Friday, so I am calling everybody old!)

I take exception only to #10: Andie MacDowall did not play a Brit! She played an American woman who was narrying a Scot, whom she later divorced in order to enter a common-law union with Hugh Grant. (And who would?)

The remainder of this letter is wonderful, and considering what might be in store for us come November, not a bad deal at all.

I have started a new blog, just two posts old, and you can get the link on good old RFACM.

I have missed our “talks” and exceedingly witty repartee. . .something I look forward to. See ya ’round the blogosphere!

PTC

nrhatch - April 17, 2016

Happy Birthday, PTC, and best of luck with the new blog. I’ve followed it, but may not weigh in often since your planned focus is poetry. If a poem speaks to me and encourages me to speak up, I will.

It’s been ages since I’ve seen 4 Weddings and a Funeral so I’m not surprised that I didn’t catch the misattribution of Andie’s role.


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