Retirement Options April 11, 2015Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke.
You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where . . .
1. You park 3 blocks away from home because you found shade.
2. You experience condensation on your ass from hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.
You can retire to New York City where . . .
1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
3. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.
You can retire to the Nebraska where . . .
1. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
3. The 4 seasons are: planning, planting, growing, and shucking.
You can retire to California where . . .
1. You make $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You drive everywhere, even to the neighborhood block party.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
5. When asked how far away something is, you give the distance in minutes, not miles.
You can retire to The Deep South where . . .
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Joe Bob, Missy Sue.
5. Things are either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”
You can retire to Minnesota where . . .
1. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
2. The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”
3. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
4. You have 17 casserole recipes, but only 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
You can retire to Florida where . . .
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. The 4 seasons are: hurricane, love bug, snowbird, and summer.
4. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
5. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, or podiatrist.
Source: E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)
Aah . . . that’s better!