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Retirement Options April 11, 2015

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Joke.

At the Arch

You can retire to Phoenix, Arizona where . . .

1. You park 3 blocks away from home because you found shade.
2. You experience condensation on your ass from hot water in the toilet bowl.
3. The 4 seasons are: tolerable, hot, really hot, and ARE YOU KIDDING ME??
4. You know that “dry heat” is comparable to what hits you in the face when you open your oven door.

You can retire to New York City where . . .

1. You say “the city” and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You’ve worn out a car horn. (IF you have a car).
3. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
4. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual.

You can retire to the Nebraska where . . .

1. Your idea of a traffic jam is three cars waiting to pass a tractor.
2. You have had to switch from “heat” to “A/C” on the same day.
3. The 4 seasons are:  planning, planting, growing, and shucking.


You can retire to California where . . .

1. You make $450,000 and you still can’t afford to buy a house.
2. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
3. You drive everywhere, even to the neighborhood block party.
4. The 4 seasons are: Fire, Flood, Mud, and Drought.
5. When asked how far away something is, you give the distance in minutes, not miles.

You can retire to The Deep South where . . .

1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2. “Y’all” is singular and “all y’all” is plural.
3. “He needed killin” is a valid defense.
4. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jim Bob, Joe Bob, Missy Sue.
5. Things are either: “in yonder,” “over yonder,” or “out yonder.”

You can retire to Minnesota where . . .

1. Halloween costumes have to fit over parkas.
2. The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”
3. The 4 seasons are: almost winter, winter, still winter, and road repair.
4. You have 17 casserole recipes, but only 3 spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.


You can retire to Florida where . . .

1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind – even houses and cars.
3. The 4 seasons are: hurricane, love bug, snowbird, and summer.
4. Cars in front of you often appear to be driven by headless people.
5. Everyone can recommend an excellent cardiologist, dermatologist, proctologist, or podiatrist.

Source:  E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)


Aah . . . that’s better!



1. Jill Weatherholt - April 11, 2015

So many choices, Nancy. You’re right about the headless people in Florida…ha ha! 🙂 Great photos! I love the Golden Gate Bridge shot.

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Morning, Jill. We’re heading out and about among the “headless” to the Bottle Boat Regatta on the Palma Sola Causeway . . . the boats are on floats made of 2-liter soda bottles. Very seaworthy.

Jill Weatherholt - April 11, 2015

Sounds like fun, Nancy. I hope you took your life jacket. 🙂

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

The races are held in very shallow water, about waist high, which is good given how often the racers fell off their crafts and had to renegotiate passage. :mrgreen:

2. Rainee - April 11, 2015

Very witty Nancy 🙂

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Hi Rainee. Glad you got a kick out of it. Did you substitute more familiar locations for our states?

Rainee - April 11, 2015

Hi Nancy, to some extent but I used my imagination to fill the gaps 🙂

nrhatch - April 12, 2015

Gotcha. BB noted similarities between California and Sydney, probably because traffic, weather, cost of living, and population density are “round the world” concerns.

3. Pix Under the Oaks - April 11, 2015

Laughing Nancy! We have lived in and experienced all that in our moves in the military. Home is very similar to Nebraska.
Good Morning! I would love to be in Florida today, haven’t checked Venice weather this morning… looking pretty good there.

Pix Under the Oaks - April 11, 2015

I will be showing this to CH when he gets up!

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Good morning, Pix! We just walked up to the Palma Sola Causeway and back ~ about 2 miles. We stayed to watch the first four bottleboat races. It’s a fund raiser for De Soto National Memorial.

Anyway . . . it felt good to get back into the A/C when we got back. It’s a “warm” day. Might hit the mid-80’s.

Pix Under the Oaks - April 11, 2015


nrhatch - April 11, 2015

I’m not surprised that some of these hit “home” for you, given your “stay” in the military. Hope your weather has settled down a bit.

4. Kate Crimmins - April 11, 2015

So funny and so true!

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

It’s FUN to see how different pockets of the melting pot handle things ~> e.g., “he is different” in Minnesota vs. “el es loco!” in NYC.

5. Don - April 11, 2015

Had a good laugh Nancy. I once visited Phoenix and know what you mean about that “oven heat.” Loved the desert-like gardens of the homes though. Never seen anything like it.

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

We’ve enjoyed visits to Arizona, New Mexico, Colorado, Southern California, Nevada, and Texas ~ desert landscaping is different from what we both grew up with. Still, the rugged terrain is beautiful in its own way.

But driving across Nevada from Reno to Yosemite (California) with nothing but tumbleweeds for hour after hour made me go stir crazy ~> just a great big expanse of nothing I wanted to see.

6. reocochran - April 11, 2015

I enjoyed this thoroughly and will trust you on these suggestions. I love the humor you show in your writing, Nancy. I hope to stay here where my grandies and my children have ‘planted’ themselves. But travel and visiting during winter months to warmer climes, oh so much a part of my dreams! Smiles, Robin

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Glad you enjoyed, Robin. My Saturday posts are thanks to Joe M. and Granny1947 who supply me with a stream of funny e-mails. When they amuse me (most do), I share.

Our families are so spread out that we can’t be near everyone, so we can suit ourselves. We chose Florida because the climate suits us, especially in Spring, Fall and Winter. Summer is a bit L~O~N~G but no hotter than in the mid-Atlantic where we grew up. Summer is when people “here” travel to other points around the globe.

7. Judson - April 11, 2015

“Wearing out a car’s horn” … Love that one. Way too many people use their horn to express excess emotion. I personally think that if you blow your car’s horn, you should have to manually pump it back up before it will work again. That would greatly cut down on the amount of frivolous horn blowing …

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

That’s an excellent idea, Judson. We have fewer horns blaring down here than when we lived in the NY/NJ Metropolitan Area.

beeblu - April 11, 2015

The 24/7 horn blowing in NYC and its almost complete absence in Tokyo highlights how different cultures respond to the same thing. So fascinating.

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

I wonder if it stems from the smaller “personal space” claimed by residents of Tokyo? I’ve seen clips of commuters jammed into subway cars like sardines without complaint.

8. beeblu - April 11, 2015

Apparently headless drivers in Florida – hehe.
California sounds suspiciously like Sydney.

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Population figures drive demand for resources ~ housing prices go up and traffic increases . . . especially when people don’t opt to walk, bike, or take public transportation.

9. anotherday2paradise - April 11, 2015

Bwahahaha…..love this, Nancy. I was waiting for the Florida bit, and I wasn’t disappointed. All very true. Some cars in Florida aren’t only driven by headless drivers, they’re also driven by people who are far too old to get behind the wheel. I always assume that drivers of cars backing out of driveways on our estate, will not stop and look first. It’s save me from a good many prangs. 😯

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Good practice, Sylvia. Many drivers are “distracted” by phones, kids, or creeping senility. Best to allow plenty of braking room between you and them to avoid “prangs” (a new-to-me word).

10. Val Boyko - April 11, 2015

Hahaha … You’ve opened more options for me and Don 😉

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

For us the choice was pretty easy since we knew we wanted to be on the East Coast, near the ocean/gulf, with warm temps for most of the year. So far, so good.

Val Boyko - April 11, 2015

You make it sound so good Nancy! Did you see Sarasota was voted the best city for well being this year by a Gallup poll for Time? 👍

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

I didn’t see that, but it doesn’t surprise me ~ of all the places we’ve lived, people seem happier here. Happy people overflow with well being.

And the area keeps winning Best Beach awards. 😎

11. colonialist - April 11, 2015

Maybe it’s safer to carry on working until you drop in your tracks? 🙂

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Maybe . . . but that’s not as much FUN. Except, of course, for work-a-holics. :mrgreen:

12. Barb - April 11, 2015

I’ll take Florida!

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Dunedin or bust!

Barb - April 11, 2015

One of these days Nancy……

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

Yay! We’ll have to meet up for a wee pint.

13. sufilight - April 11, 2015

They were all funny but of course New York made me chuckle louder. I have told my s/o that when I would commute by subway to the city , err… I mean Manhattan, I would wear sunglasses at times to avoid eye contact and aggression from a few nuts.

nrhatch - April 11, 2015

That’s a perfect example, Marie!
Sunglasses = Safety Shields! 😎

14. Behind the Story - April 12, 2015

I was expecting the last one to be the perfect place. But every one on the list got a dose of your humor. I would have said Vanuatu had perfect weather until it got hit by that cyclone this year.

nrhatch - April 12, 2015

Glad you enjoyed, Nicki. Most of the post came from the e-mail Joe sent me. I toned down the snarkiest barbs, reworded a few of the observations, and added one or two of my own. Like most places, Florida has a few idiosyncrasies.

Judging from your posts and photos, Vanuatu is an idyllic oasis when the sun is shining, but it’s vulnerable when nature’s wrath and fury loom on the horizon. And there’s no place to run or hide.

Behind the Story - April 12, 2015

So true, Nancy. Besides cyclones, they also have a tremendous number of earthquakes. Fortunately the buildings aren’t tall and they aren’t made of bricks. The worst thing would be a tsunami. On a small island, there really is no place to run or hide.

nrhatch - April 12, 2015

Growing up, life seemed “safer” (probably because we didn’t have instant access to images of natural disasters in far flung corners of the globe). If all was right in our corner of the world, we could breathe easy.

15. Grannymar - April 12, 2015

And here in Ireland we had three warm bright sunshiny days and now we are back to grey soggy skies of heavy rain with temperatures of 3°C that feels like 0°C. Wanta swap?

nrhatch - April 12, 2015

Not a chance! I had enough of soggy gray when I lived in the mid-Atlantic. I am far happier living in the sunshine state. 😎

16. Silver in the Barn - April 12, 2015

HILARIOUS! I verify the accuracy of Minnesota and the South. Totally expecting you to present Florida as heaven on earth, so Good On YER, as they say in Australia, for submitting it to the Nancy Truth Test.

nrhatch - April 12, 2015

Haha! We have friends from Minnesota ~> “he is different” is strong criticism, indeed. Next Saturday, Florida’s “frugality” will be THE butt of the joke! :mrgreen:

17. Tammy - April 13, 2015

This one cracked me up The highest level of criticism is: “He is different.”

nrhatch - April 13, 2015

And it’s reminiscent of folks we’ve met/know from Minnesota.

18. L. Marie - April 13, 2015

Minnesota and Illinois have similar retirement perks. 😀 We’re heading toward the road repair season. 😀

nrhatch - April 13, 2015

I expect that many states are getting ready for Road Repair now that the snow pack is melting.

19. suzicate - April 13, 2015

Love it! So many choices…mine is “out yonder” in the mountains of the south, preferably not near any one whose defense is “he needed killin'” …in the middle of nowhere just us and nature, unless Billy Bob decides to trespass on our property!

nrhatch - April 13, 2015

Haha! Good plan, Suzi. Billy Bob Thornton might recommend that you keep the Slingblade handy . . . just in case.

20. Piglet in Portugal - April 13, 2015

Or you could simply pack your bags and retire to Portugal.
* Where a glass of wine is cheaper than a up of coffee @1 euro and * you can get a 3 course meal including wine for under €10.
* You get up early go to bed late and take a nap (siesta) in the middle of the day so effectively you have two days in one. so you live longer or rather your life seems longer.

nrhatch - April 13, 2015

It sounds like you are exactly in the right place for you, PiP.

I don’t think I would enjoy living where I wasn’t fluent in the language. That would be hard for me. But I’ve enjoyed seeing Portugal through your eyes.

21. brickhousechick - April 14, 2015

Oh, this is great!!! Loved all of them because they are so right on. Mr. B enjoyed them as well. Thanks for the laughs. 🙂

nrhatch - April 14, 2015

Yay! Glad you and Mr. B enjoyed exploring these “options.”

PiP added her thoughts on retiring to Portugal to the list @ comment #20. Maybe you should add your thoughts on retirement in Puerto Rico ~ it sounds like a great place to Just Be!

brickhousechick - April 14, 2015

Great idea, I’ll give that some thought for retiring in PR! 🙂

nrhatch - April 14, 2015

Excellent! Or I could just go get the link to your post on all the pleasant perks of your recent visit! 😎

22. Three Well Beings - April 15, 2015

I got a good laugh with this one, Nancy. I am sorry to say that retirement in California is exactly as noted! And i laughed out loud at the note about seemingly headless people driving in your state, Nancy. This is so funny! 🙂

nrhatch - April 15, 2015

Glad you enjoyed, Debra! Life is seldom perfect, even in retirement. There’s the good. There’s the bad. And there’s the oddly amusing. :mrgreen:

23. livelytwist - April 16, 2015

Lol, very entertaining. You’ve given me a tour of the States XD

nrhatch - April 16, 2015

It’s a big melting pot . . . with splashes of regional sauce to flavor the mix.

24. jannatwrites - April 19, 2015

These are pretty funny! I haven’t been to most of the retirement places, but I am familiar with Phoenix, so I know the truth behind those 🙂 (Oh, and the shade isn’t even worth it because the birds hanging out in the trees make their mark all over your car.. every time.)

nrhatch - April 19, 2015

Good to know, Janna! I imagine that bird droppings bake to a HARD CRISP in Phoenix . . . even in the shade.

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