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The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks July 14, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
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Years ago while collaborating to write 101 Things Every Man Should Know How to Do, I sketched out “The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks.”

Since it didn’t make the cut (i.e., it landed on the cutting room floor), it’s been sitting around in draft form ever since.

I picked it out of the draft folder the other day, brushed it off, and knew with certainty that I would never, ever, not in a million years, want to revise the Ugly Guy’s Guide into anything more than it is.

But it seems selfish to keep it under lock and key when there are guys out there wanting to emulate Billy Bob and Lyle by landing a hot chick.

Here are the top 7 Tips for Dating Hot Chicks:

(1) Be very, very rich.  Or famous.  Or both.  Having buckets of cash at your disposal is often enough, standing alone, to land a hot chick.

(2) Self-confidence is attractive.  Before you head out the door each day, remind yourself that “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggoneit people like you.”

(3)  Don’t lose hope.  You are not alone.  There are lots of ugly guys out there who date and even marry hot chicks like Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts.  You can be one of them.  All you need is hope, perseverance, this guide, and gobs of cash (see tip #1).

(4) Don’t read advice like this in front of girls you want to impress.  If a hot chick sees you reading this, toss it aside and say in disgust,  “What the hell!  I don’t need to read this shit!”

(5) Frequent dark bars.  Bring wads of cash.  Buy drinks for hot chicks until their eyes cannot focus, then make your best moves.

Grumpy gus(6) If you strike out in bars, switch gears.  Go to an AA meeting.  Introduce yourself and explain that you drink because you are ugly.  Wait for the supportive “You’re not ugly” from anyone.  Augment your “Yes, I am” with a deep sigh.  As women join the chorus of “you are not ugly,” pick the best looking one and ask her for coffee after the meeting.

Still nothing?

(7) Don’t be shallow.  Beauty is only skin deep and fades with age.  Focus on inner qualities.  Remember you can always drink your ugly date pretty.

Aah . . . that’s better!

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Comments»

1. katecrimmins - July 14, 2014

Sounds like something you would come up with in the lunch room with a bunch of crazy friends!

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

That’s a great summary of the book we compiled. It was a fun project filled with all manner of crazy. 😎

2. suzicate - July 14, 2014

Bwahaha…isn’t there a country song about how the girls get prettier at closing time?

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

Yes! I can’t remember the song or the singer, but I remember something about better looking folks come closing time. 😎

3. William D'Andrea - July 14, 2014

I’ve discovered that showing no interest in any woman, gets me attention from many of them. Unfortunately the attention is too often unwanted.

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

I bet Hot Chicks get LOTS of unwanted attention too.

BTW: This was one of the first books published by WEbook ~ it did NOT get much attention (unwanted OR unwarranted). 😎

4. Jill Weatherholt - July 14, 2014

This is hilarious, Nancy! I love #5…so funny!!!

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

Thanks, Jill. We had tons of fun compiling essays for this book ~ most of it is just wads of SILLY.

I think this essay got cut b/c the editor was an ugly guy who didn’t want to share these sure-fire tips and techniques with other ugly guys. 😎

5. joannevalentinesimson - July 14, 2014

Funny! This is the first time I’ve seen reference to the book in this blog series!

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

Thanks, Joanne. Glad you got a kick out of it.

In the 4 years I’ve been blogging, I don’t believe this book has ever come up in conversation.

If you’re interested, here’s some more info on the project:
http://www.webook.com/Store/101-book

6. ericjbaker - July 14, 2014

Beware of #5! Dark bars work both ways.
😉

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

You’ve got a point . . . see tip #7.

7. Silver in the Barn - July 14, 2014

I know a couple where the man is not good looking by any stretch of the imagination – at least at first. He is short and bald with glasses and kind of a high voice. And yet….he is so smart, funny, and gentlemanly that all of those surface things become irrelevant. At least according to his drop-dead gorgeous wife. I find myself drawn to his immensely interesting persona. Go for it, all you Carlo Ponti types! Sophia is waiting for you.

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

Thanks for a great share, Barbara. Looks fade . . . smart, funny, and gentlemanly make for a better partnership for the long haul.

8. When in New Places - July 14, 2014

This is AWESOME – so funny, especially #4 & #6!
But yeah, I’d agree mostly with #7. Looks are a fading thing for sure.
Awesome share!
~ Andrea ❤

nrhatch - July 14, 2014

Thanks, Andrea. Glad you enjoyed.

When I first joined Facebook and saw some of the super cute girls and guys from high school, I gasped at how they had aged.

As we age, a warm personality has staying power.

When in New Places - July 14, 2014

So very true ~ well said!

9. Three Well Beings - July 15, 2014

This is just so funny, Nancy! Plenty of cash does seem to go hand in hand with the ugly guys chances! I have also noted that some of these couples end up with really beautiful children, and I’ve wondered at how that works. 🙂 Intellect and being altogether interesting is attractive to me. I think that now…I don’t know if I’d have said that 30 years ago. But now? Absolutely!

nrhatch - July 15, 2014

I dated some really gorgeous guys who were no fun to be around because they always had “one eye in the mirror as they watched themselves go by.”

Happiness is being married to your best friend!

10. Val Boyko - July 15, 2014

You cracked me up completely at “don’t be shallow …”
Really funny Nancy!!
Val

nrhatch - July 15, 2014

When I came across this in the draft folder, I almost tossed it . . . and then I decided it was “good advice.” Especially Tip #7. 😎

11. jannatwrites - July 16, 2014

Funny tips! Money can buy lots of things… apparently a hot chick is one of them 🙂

nrhatch - July 16, 2014

If you want to buy a Trophy Wife, you need a bulging . . . wallet! 😎

12. livelytwist - July 20, 2014

Lol, if only life was that simple or people that shallow. I guess you can’t go wrong with number 1. 🙂

nrhatch - July 20, 2014

Thanks, Timi. #1 is #1 for a reason ~ it works!


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