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Redneck Engineering Challenge April 19, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke.
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We is sick ta death hearing ’bout dumb Southerners.  We challenge all ya’ll so-called smart Yankees to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

Donald-Duck-Driving2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) ’65 Ford Fairlane
(B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) ’66 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

Pluto-Rollerskating5. A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.

The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.

When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be displaced?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought this test was gonna be an easy one, didn’t ya?

It’s okay if’n y’all didn’t do all that well.  Just goes to show ya there’s a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don’t prepare ya for in this life.

Homer-MexicanJust fer taking the Redneck Challenge, here’s some friendly southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece . . .

Next time you is too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order.  When they’s ready to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

* * *

Speaking of Southerners . . . if you’re in Charleston, SC today, swing by Andra’s booksigning for a cinnamon cupcake and a heaping helpin’ of Roy!

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Comments»

1. Rainee - April 19, 2014

I confess ignorance to most of the humour (being quite a bit further south) in this post but I think I get the general idea : ). On another note – my mother would never have imagined she would be featured on your blog (with her undies on the line next to her)!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

The best part of this joke was the pizza delivery tip ~ great way to get home if you’re too drunk to drive.

You never know where your “dirty laundry” is going to land! I liked that post of yours ~ with your mom traveling by bus to stay with you when your third son was born.

2. katecrimmins - April 19, 2014

I didn’t do too well on these questions. Must have skipped my classes on southern living! I am sure you can come up with a bunch on New Jersey-ites!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

Hmm . . . jokes about Jersey. Let’s see:

“You live in Jersey. What Exit?”
“Why do you go to the Shore and sit on the Beach?”

Or . . . You Know You’re From Jersey When:
http://mistupid.com/people/page066.htm

3. William D'Andrea - April 19, 2014

I live in New York, and New Yorkers do have a reputation for being somewhat arrogant. The official name of the city is “The City of Greater New York”.
“‘Greater’ New York? Greater than what?”
“You name it buddy!”
“But what have you New Yorkers got, that can’t be found in any other major metropolis?”
“What have we got?

“We’ve got Manhattan,
The Bronx and Staten Island too.
It’s lovely going through the Zoo.
And things are fancy on old Delancy Street
you know.
The Subway charms us so.
It’s balmy breezes blow,
To and fro?
And tell me what street,
Compares with Mott Street,
In July?
It’s pushcarts gently gliding by.
The great big City’s a wondrous toy,
That’s made for a girl and boy.
We’ll turn Manhattan into an Isle of Joy.

Those lyrics were written by Lorenz Hart and the music by Richard Rodgers, in the year 1920; and over the past 94 years things haven’t changed; except for the pushcarts, which have been replaced by motor powered vehicles.

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

One of my favorite places in NYC used to be The Automat!

https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/09/06/fun-with-math-the-automat/

Last night, we watched Aerial America flying over The Empire State. In addition to NYC, the show (on Smithsonian) shared Niagara Falls, Albany, Buffalo, the Erie Canal, the Hudson River, West Point, etc.

4. Don - April 19, 2014

Only Southerners will know the answers. 🙂

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

Sometimes regional humor does not translate well . . . especially when based on stereotypes.

5. Grannymar - April 19, 2014

The the pizza delivery tip was the only part I understood and I am not even drunk! I’m off to the clothesline to retrieve the last of my washing. A glorious day here and everything that moved, was washed!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

I love that pizza delivery tip! Of course, I’m unlikely to remember it if ever I need a ride home.

Glad to hear that you’ve managed to take advantage of the glorious weather to give things a good airing. I’ll fix your typo.

Grannymar - April 19, 2014

Thank you!

6. Grannymar - April 19, 2014

*was washed. How are you for a spot of ironing?

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

I no longer own an iron. In our house, clothing that requires ironing gets donated to Goodwill.

As a kid, I used to earn a penny a piece for ironing dad’s handkerchiefs ~ @ $0.07 a week, I did NOT become wealthy.

7. Val Boyko - April 19, 2014

Your political incorrectness is awesome … and hilarious!!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

Thanks, Val. I sat on this for some time since many/most/all of the southerners I know fail to fit this stereotype. In the end, I decided to share. And I do love the pizza delivery tip at the end.

8. jannatwrites - April 19, 2014

I’m not from the South and visited Georgia once many years ago, so much of this is lost on me 🙂 Your comment above made me feel less guilty… I’m glad I’m not the only one that donates clothes that have to be ironed. I felt so wasteful, but then, I knew I’d never iron them, so someone else might as well have a shot at it!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

That’s exactly how I feel about it, Janna. Rather than having a bunch of “wrinkles” hanging out in my closet, I might as well pass the fussy clothes along to someone who enjoys ironing while watching TV or chatting on the phone.

What? You’ve never driven country roads through yards littered with rusting cars and beat up appliances, with old wrinkled hound dogs hanging out under the front porch?

I did go to college with someone whose grandpappy ran a still up in the mountains. Nelson always came to school with a few gallons of moonshine to pepper the punch during frat parties.

9. colonialist - April 19, 2014

Pssst – can you get the answers, for a small bribe? That one with the radiators in particular. Valuable information, that!

nrhatch - April 19, 2014

What a great way to finance our retirement while recycling old auto parts! I took a shine to moonshine in college ~ less expensive than grain alcohol and almost as potent.

10. Patricia - April 19, 2014

I will have a couple of my redneck friends help me out with this. I do know that the pizza delivery tip is a keeper.

nrhatch - April 20, 2014

Possums, Persimmons, and Pizza = Perfect Together!

11. ericjbaker - April 20, 2014

Is it OK for a liberal east coast elitist to laugh at this, or will it make me look like a snob?

nrhatch - April 20, 2014

That depends, ya’ll.

We just watched Aerial America over South Carolina ~ we saw Charleston, Hilton Head, Myrtle Beach, Greer, Beaufort, and other notable places. Not a single rusted car or appliance doubling as a lawn ornament. Go figure.

ericjbaker - April 20, 2014

Funny thing is… you can find that stuff readily in NJ. And I think I know more people into NASCAR and hunting than into art museums.

I refer to myself as a “liberal east coast elitist” as a joke after some dope either running for office or campaigning for someone labeled us that way. A certain breed of politician prefers a “Them or Us” approach.

nrhatch - April 20, 2014

The name of the game for some people involves the perpetual use of Label Makers ~ as if we could pigeon-hole anyone with a random label or three.

He nailed one of your labels . . . you are from the East Coast.

12. Pix Under the Oaks - April 20, 2014

Most of our neighbors would know the answer to #2. But all rusting vehicles in our part of the country are pickups or farm trucks.. all used for parts for the other broken down used vehicles parked in the front yard. We do live in the country. I just read this to CH, he is laughing out loud! #6.. laugh tears rolling!

nrhatch - April 20, 2014

Yay! I’m glad that CH got a kick out of it, Pix. I love photos of rusting pickup and farm trucks beside paint peeling barns. Something so “honest” about it. And I’m all for pilfering parts from one for the other ~ reduce, reuse, recycle, repurpose.

Happy Easter!

Pix Under the Oaks - April 20, 2014

Me too. I am just not so sure how happy I am living next to them.. 😉

nrhatch - April 20, 2014

Agreed. It’s one thing to enjoy quaint sights while meandering down dirt roads in the middle of nowhere, off the beaten path.
It’s quite another to live next door to a rusting pile of anything goes.

Perfect time to set out a sign: NIMBY (Not In My Back Yard). Or side yard. Or front yard.

13. Three Well Beings - April 21, 2014

I think this illustrates a reasonable premise that sometimes a lack of general knowledge is entirely separate from good common sense thinking. The pizza delivery transportation system is really quite brilliant! LOL!

nrhatch - April 22, 2014

Exactly right, Debra! There’s “book smart” and there’s “here how to navigate life” smart. The latter may be far more beneficial to us in the long run.

Especially when we’ve no way home except by hitching a ride with the pizza delivery guy.

14. I am J - April 24, 2014

BaHaaHaa! I failed the test but sure got some hardy laughs trying. The pizza delivery idea is actually brilliant. I’m a city girl who would probably not do well down south – unless they like Coors beer. 🙂

nrhatch - April 24, 2014

I know that I always preferred Coors to Bud. I’m also a fan of Fat Tire beer from Colorado.

I’m going to remember that pizza tip . . . just in case!


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