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Häagen-Dazs & Pretzel: A Fairy Tale March 22, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, Humor, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
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Once upon a time, an extremely unattractive and petulant misanthrope grew tired of living in close proximity to a bunch of Nosy Parkers.

“Hell is other people,” Mizzie Borden muttered while stirring a cauldron of Cream of Newt Soup.  “Always butting in where they don’t belong.”

She decided to follow Thoreau’s footsteps into the woods.  She surfed MAXEDOUT.com and found a small cottage with a large oven and great curb appeal.  Real eye candy.

Mizzie purchased the cottage without requesting a home inspection.  An army of ants nibbling the gingerbread siding wasn’t the worst of it.

Walden Township raised property taxes, FEMA hiked flood insurance premiums, and subsidies under the Unaffordable Health Care Act never materialized.  

Desperate to make ends meet, Mizzie advertised on Angie’s List as an unlicensed child care provider (a/k/a “a babysitter”).  

The next day, a woodcutter left Häagen-Dazs and Pretzel in Mizzie’s care.

“I’m off to protest mountaintop removal by short-sighted privateers intent on raping the earth of its coal.  Soon, there won’t be any trees left for me to cut.  I’ll be back at 5.”

Häagen-Dazs and Pretzel proved  to be both crude and rude.

“Spoiled brats!”

Impatient for lunch, they pulled the gingerbread siding off her cottage and ate it.  Ants and all.

“Insubordinate beasts!”

When the woodcutter didn’t show on time, Mizzie shoved Häagen-Dazs and Pretzel into the oven for a “time out.”

Unbeknownst to Mizzie, the oven was blazing.

“Oh, well. I warned Häagen-Dazs not to play with matches.”

Following a half-hearted investigation plagued with bureaucratic foul ups, bribery, and corruption, the police dropped all charges.  Mizzie returned home and became a writer (the best occupation for misanthropes).  

Unable to find a publisher for her horror stories and fractured fairy tales, Mizzie self-published.  Fueled by her recent notoriety, Eat Mor’ Children  took off in a blaze of tweets.  

Paparazzi became a nuisance, sitting in trees with long lenses.

“Every blessing is cursed!”

Mizzie stormed the glade, “Get off, the lot of you!  Go shoot Cumberbatch’s bitches!”

When entreaties failed, Mizzie invited them for lunch.  As lunch.

If not for government-sanctioned invasions of privacy, Mizzie would have lived happily-ever-after.

“No one’s gonna miss a few pesky paparazzi.”

Except for other Nosy Parkers.

NSA (National Screening Agents) intercepted Mizzie’s e-mails, including her recipes for “Paparazzi Primavera” and “Children Cacciatore.”

“Hell is other people,” Mizzie muttered, when arrested.  ”Always poking about where they don’t belong.”

* * *

Join the fun ~> Susanna’s March Madness Writing Contest is Here!

Writing is a solitary occupation.  Family, friends, and society are the natural enemies of the writer.  He must be alone, uninterrupted, and slightly savage if he is to sustain and complete an undertaking. ~ Lawrence Clark Powell

Related post:  A Fairy Tale Tribunal

Illustrations:  Wikipedia ~ Hansel & Gretel (in Public Domain)

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Comments»

1. valleygrail - March 22, 2014

Clever writer! Thank you for starting my day with this post!

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, VG! I’ve never twisted a fairy tale around before to see what happened. ‘Twas FUN! Susanna’s contests inspire us to spin our wheels in different directions.

Have a wonder filled day!

2. Kate @ Did That Just Happen? - March 22, 2014

Super cute! I enjoyed that take on the tale!

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, Kate. I had FUN writing this ~ a bit out of my norm.

Kate @ Did That Just Happen? - March 22, 2014

It was different, but sometimes, we all need to do things outside our norm! I think the most wonderful things can happen if sometimes we just step outside our norm!

Having said that… I so love my norm… I may need to work on this!!

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

If we are enjoying our “norm” . . . we need not insist on doing things differently. That said, if something appeals to us, we should “go for it.”

Eat when hungry. Sleep when tired. Move when “restless.”

3. Susanna Leonard Hill - March 22, 2014

Wow, Nancy! Very clever! And I sure wouldn’t want to run afoul of old Mizzie! What a character! Thanks so much for joining in the springtime writing Madness! 🙂

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Mizzie Borden (and her sis, Lizzie) are an infamous pair. Thanks for holding another wonderful contest, Susanna.

I loved Grimm’s Fairy Tales as a child . . . even the grim ones.

4. Sandra Bell Kirchman - March 22, 2014

Very cleverly written.

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, Sandra. I’m looking forward to reading the other entries. Feel free to play along ~ the contest is open until 3/24 at midnight, EST.

5. William D'Andrea - March 22, 2014

I think it was last summer, when you posted an article about a show you’d attended, that was produced in your community, in which kids portrayed fairy tale characters on trial. I made a comment about Hansel and Gretel being tried for murder. You said that as a lawyer, you would defend them, arguing self defense.
I wonder, what argument would you use, to defend Mizzie Borden?

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Yes! Good memory, William. Here’s the post:
https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2013/07/28/a-fairy-tale-tribunal/

As for Mizzie Borden, she’s up the creek without a saddle. Unless, of course, her plea is “not guilty, by reason of insanity.”

6. Erika W - March 22, 2014

What a fantastic modernization! Angie’s list?? LOVE that. And the line “every blessing is cursed” that’s just great in an of itsefl!

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, Erika! I had lots of fun writing this ~ from Angie’s List to MAXEDOUT.com. At first I wrote, “There’s a curse in every blessing.” When cutting the post down to the requisite 400 words, I condensed it by reversing and liked it better.

7. Pix Under the Oaks - March 22, 2014

Hi Nancy! This is fun. You are so clever and have such a great sense of humor! Hell is other people always poking around where they don’t belong.. Hahaha!!!

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, Pix. Some people channel their “inner artist” . . . I channeled my inner misanthrope. :mrgreen:

8. Three Well Beings - March 22, 2014

This piece is so clever I am just in awe! What fun it is with so many current references in tandem with the ancient fairy tale themes. I just loved it, and you have my applause! 🙂

nrhatch - March 22, 2014

Thanks, Debra! I wasn’t sure where I was headed when I started writing, I just started writing. Great fun pulling “today” into the mix.

9. julie rowan zoch - March 22, 2014

Clever! Love the Eat Mor’ Children line!

nrhatch - March 23, 2014

Thanks! Mizzie wanted a way to cash in on her notoriety.

10. kateshrewsday - March 23, 2014

Thanks for the chuckle, Nancy. Fantastic write. I am particularly fond of Mizzi.

nrhatch - March 23, 2014

Mizzie the Misanthrope developed quite a twitter following after her arrest & release ~ that type of notoriety fuels book sales!

11. Cecilia - March 23, 2014

Brain food and eye candy all in one. Delicious!

nrhatch - March 23, 2014

Thanks, Cecilia. Sharing Mizzie’s exploits was fun.

12. viviankirkfield - March 23, 2014

I knew I would be laughing when I read your entry, Nancy…I just didn’t know how much.:)
Great writing…so clever…loved the eye candy…and totally understand how she felt about ‘nosy parkers’…an expression not used much these days but I think it was originally popularized back in the 1600’s…you rock, Nancy!

nrhatch - March 23, 2014

Thanks, Vivian. My great aunt Edie (from Scotland) used the expression “nosy parkers” . . . especially when we tried to wheedle a secret out of her before its time.

I’ve enjoyed reading the entries, including the “high notes” in your submission ~ what a talented bunch.

viviankirkfield - March 23, 2014

I’m always blown away with the talent that is revealed in these contests.:)

13. ericjbaker - March 23, 2014

No waste in your storytelling. Well done!

nrhatch - March 23, 2014

Thanks, Eric. Nothing like a wicked witch to stir up trouble.

14. jannatwrites - March 24, 2014

Well, my eyebrows would be raised, curiosity piqued, if such recipes turned up in my Google search 🙂 Great story – good luck on the contest!

nrhatch - March 24, 2014

Thanks, Janna. I’m sure this story isn’t in the running, but it sure was fun to write. :mrgreen:

15. Joanne Roberts - March 25, 2014

“Real eye candy” What a crack-up!

nrhatch - March 25, 2014

Thanks, Joann! This was so much fun to write.

16. laura516 - March 26, 2014

Not only is this a laugh-out-loud fractured fairy tale, but it is a pointed satire, too. What a clever commentary. Much like the original intent of many nursery rhymes!

nrhatch - March 26, 2014

Thank you so much, Laura. I know what you mean about many of the nursery rhymes ~ like “Mary, Mary, quite contrary” (about the bloody reign of Mary Queen of Scots.

Amazing how much we can fit in 400 “fractured fairy tale” words.

17. nancycurteman - April 4, 2014

Whoa, that fractured fairy tale scared me! Almost as depressing as Ring Around a Rosie, ashes etc. that talks about the great plague.

nrhatch - April 4, 2014

Fairy Tales and Nursery Rhymes are not all goodness and light, eh? There is a dark side to Grimm and Mother Goose.

18. Big Brother IS Watching You! | Spirit Lights The Way - July 22, 2014

[…] Related posts:  Privacy is Dead * Privacy Risks of Smart Phones * A Fractured Fairy Tale […]


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