Very Punny

Death can be a Laughing Matter

* The Grim Reaper came for me last night.  I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.

* At the cemetery yesterday, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin for what seemed like hours.  I thought, “they’ve lost the plot!”

* Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.

* My wife has been missing a week.  Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.”

Ahoy, Matey!

* A mate of mine denied being addicted to brake fluid.  He reckoned he could stop any time.

* “Hey, Paddy!  Why ya talkin’ to that envelope?” “I’m sending a voice mail, ya thick sod!”

* 19 mates go to the cinema.  The ticket lady exclaims, “So many of you!” Mick nods, “The film said 18 or over.”

* My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning! Can you believe that?  Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

* “Mick, I’m thinking of getting a Labrador.”  “Bugger that,” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”

The Fairer Sex

* My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well . . . she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.

* A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.”  He says, “what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”

* My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday.  At the pet shop, they were £70! “Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”

* My wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought, “she must be going through the change.”

* In the pub, I heard a couple of wankers saying they wouldn’t feel safe on a plane if they knew the pilot was a woman. How sexist! It’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!

* The “Knitting Needle Nutter” stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours.  Police believe she could be following some kind of pattern.

Now that’s Punny!

* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

* Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.

* At an ATM yesterday, a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.

* The “rocket salad” I bought went off before I could eat it!

* A bear is working on a building site. When he returns from tea break, he notices his pick has been stolen.  Annoyed, he reports the theft to the foreman, who grins and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you . . . today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”

* An Asian fellow moved in next door. He’s traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears, and climbed the highest mountain.  His name? Bindair Dundat.

* I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van. The driver was sobbing and looked miserable. I thought, “that guy’s heading for a breakdown.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947).