Very Punny January 4, 2014
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Word Play.comments closed
Death can be a Laughing Matter
* The Grim Reaper came for me last night. I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner. Talk about Dyson with death.
* At the cemetery yesterday, I noticed four grave diggers walking about with a coffin for what seemed like hours. I thought, “they’ve lost the plot!”
* Just got back from my mate’s funeral. He died after being hit on the head with a tennis ball. It was a lovely service.
* My wife has been missing a week. Police said to prepare for the worst, so I went to the charity shop to get all her clothes back.”
Ahoy, Matey!
* A mate of mine denied being addicted to brake fluid. He reckoned he could stop any time.
* “Hey, Paddy! Why ya talkin’ to that envelope?” “I’m sending a voice mail, ya thick sod!”
* 19 mates go to the cinema. The ticket lady exclaims, “So many of you!” Mick nods, “The film said 18 or over.”
* My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning! Can you believe that? Lucky for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.
* “Mick, I’m thinking of getting a Labrador.” “Bugger that,” says Mick, “have you seen how many of their owners go blind?”
The Fairer Sex
* My girlfriend thinks I’m a stalker. Well . . . she’s not exactly my girlfriend yet.
* A wife says to her husband, “you’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back.” He says, “what do you expect? You’re in a wheelchair.”
* My daughter asked me for a spider for her birthday. At the pet shop, they were £70! “Blow this,” I thought, “I can get one cheaper off the web.”
* My wife was counting all the 1p’s and 2p’s out on the kitchen table when she got very angry and started shouting and crying for no reason. I thought, “she must be going through the change.”
* In the pub, I heard a couple of wankers saying they wouldn’t feel safe on a plane if they knew the pilot was a woman. How sexist! It’s not as if she’d have to reverse the bloody thing!
* The “Knitting Needle Nutter” stabbed six people in the arse in the last 48 hours. Police believe she could be following some kind of pattern.
Now that’s Punny!
* I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.
* Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not Happy.
* At an ATM yesterday, a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her over.
* The “rocket salad” I bought went off before I could eat it!
* A bear is working on a building site. When he returns from tea break, he notices his pick has been stolen. Annoyed, he reports the theft to the foreman, who grins and says, “Oh, I forgot to tell you . . . today’s the day the teddy bears have their pick nicked.”
* An Asian fellow moved in next door. He’s traveled the world, swum with sharks, wrestled bears, and climbed the highest mountain. His name? Bindair Dundat.
* I was driving this morning when I saw an AA van. The driver was sobbing and looked miserable. I thought, “that guy’s heading for a breakdown.”
Aah . . . that’s better!
Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947).
Spirit Lights The Way 