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Older Is As Older Does March 21, 2013

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, Humor, Joke.
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I visited an elderly lady in the neighborhood the other day.

As we chatted, I asked, “What’s the best thing about getting older?”

Without missing a beat, she said, “‘No peer pressure.”

“You’ve got a great sense of humor and comedic timing.”

She laughed, “Folks call me Georgia Burns.”

Taking that as my cue, I decided to ask a few more questions.  Before leaving, I got her permission to share the interview with you:

As you’ve gotten older, what challenges have you had?

Well, let’s see, I’ve had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, colon cancer, and diabetes.  I’m half blind.  I can’t hear anything quieter than a jet engine.  Medications I’m on make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.

Wow!  That’s a lot of challenges . . . 

Aww, honey.  Bless your heart.  I’m not done.  

Let’s see, I have bouts with dementia.  Half the time, I can’t remember if I’m 85 or 102.  I’ve lost all my friends.   Hmm . . . what else?  Oh, yeah, I have poor circulation.  Can hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  

That must make it hard to get around.

It does.  Thank the Lord I still have my driver’s license.

Donald-Duck-DrivingSo {gulp} you still drive . . . do you still shop for yourself?

Oh, sure.  

Biggest change there is that, in the olden days, everything in my shopping cart said, “New and Improved.”  These days it says, “For fast relief.”

How do you stay in shape?

Bless your heart!  You need to get your eyesight checked.  My body is totally out of shape.  Course I do have a secret that keeps me from sagging.

You do?     

Yep.  I  just eat till the wrinkles fill out.

Hey, I think I’ll try that! 

Pluto-RollerskatingIt’s not that I don’t try to stay in shape, I do.  

When my doctor encouraged me to exercise more,  I signed up for an aerobics class for seniors.  I drove over to the gym and spent the next hour bending, twisting, gyrating, jumping up and down, and perspiring.  But, it was no use.  

It wasn’t?  Why not?

By the time I got the damn leotards on, the class was over.

That is too funny!  Have you ever been married?

Oh sure.  Walter and I were married for 75 years.  He died a couple years back.  {{chuckles}}  I’m laughing cuz, just before the service, that undertaker asked me, “How old was your husband Walter?”  

I replied, “He was 98 ~ two years older than me.”  Right away, I saw the dollar signs in that damn undertaker’s eyes.  He was practically licking his lips.  

So I said, “Hardly worth me going home, is it?”

You’re a hoot! Do you have kids?

Oh yes.  Two daughters.  I’ve told them I want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered over Wal-Mart.

Wal-Mart? Why Wal-Mart?

Then I’ll be sure that they’ll both visit me every week.

Little-Miss-ScatterbrainI love your sense of humor.

Finding things to laugh about helps.  

Even so, it’s tough getting old.  First, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

And . . . ?

Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be.

Looking back, when did you first realize you were getting old?

In hindsight, I realized I was really getting old when my tailpipe started sputtering and backfiring . . . making the same noises as my coffee maker every time I walked across the floor.

On that note . . . what keeps you tooting along?

Have you ever heard of the Serenity Prayer?

Sure.  Is that your secret?

Donald-DuckaHell, no.  My secret is the Senility Prayer:

God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked,
the good fortune to run into the ones I do,
and the eyesight to tell the difference.  Amen.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Inspiration:  Jokes on aging from an unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Image Credit: Saturday, officially old  & Sunday, start young (Today, I think)