How To Meditate October 8, 2012
Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Meditation, Mindfulness, Writing & Writers.trackback
Welcome to Beginner’s Meditation.
I’m your instructor and will walk you through the basics. Soon, with a little practice, you’ll be able to mediate like The Buddha.
OK, let’s start:
Find a comfortable place to sit quietly without distractions.
No, you may not keep your cell phone with you. Please put it away.
Sit there, quietly, without distractions for . . .
What are you doing?
No. I said, “sit down,” not “lie down and fall asleep.”
I need you to wake up and stop snoring ~ it’s disruptive!
Great. Sit there, quietly, without distractions for . . .
Put down the remote. Put it down. You cannot watch TV and meditate simultaneously.
No, no video games either.
That’s it. Focus on your breath . . .
Whose laptop is that? Please, turn off your computer.
If I hear it say, “You’ve got mail,” one more time, you’re going to be in big trouble, mister!
That’s it. Focus on your breath.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
No, you don’t need your own specialized, personalized, individualized mantra to meditate. What you need is to F-O-C-U-S.
Just stop talking and F-O-C-U-S . . .
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe in.
Breathe out.
Breathe . . .
Turn it off. Turn it off NOW. Don’t make me come over there.
Well, when I said, “Cell phones,” I meant Blackberries and PDA’s as well.
That’s it . . . Breathe in. Breathe out.
Stop it. Stop laughing.
I mean it. I’m serious about this, people. This is my job.
Listen to me. Please.
Well, actually, strike that.
Listen to your breath, not me. I’m not supposed to be talking either.
That’s it. Focus on your breath.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
Breathe in. Breathe out.
OK, that was a good start. Let’s call it a day and try again tomorrow.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Quote to Ponder: When the world recedes, you hold infinity in your grasp.
Related posts: Meditation 101 * Daily Press Weekly Writing Challenge ~ And Now For Something Completely Different
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Spirit Lights The Way 
I just pretend am a cactus, on a sun soaked cliff over looking a the Caribbean Sea. It works. I tossed the cell phones years ago. They’re dead weights.
Ooh . . . a cactus! That’s a grand idea unless you get parched and become frustrated at your inability to dive into the sun-kissed waters below.
Geronimo! 😎
Lol! Hilarious Nancy. It’s a parable of life. So enjoyed it.
Thanks, Don! Meditating is SIMPLE . . . but it’s not EASY.
It’s hard to get our monkey minds to stop bouncing from thought to thought long enough to follow our breath and see where it leads. _/!\_
HILARIOUS – hahaha
Thanks, poet4justice! Glad you got a giggle out of it. 😆
CHEERS & PEACE!
No distractions?
No sleeping?
I hate to be a downer, but this kinda sounds like hard work, Nancy!
😉
Aah, but it’s worth it, Grasshopper! 😀
Beginning a meditation practice offers immediate benefits to those who take a few minutes each day to relax into the moment and just breathe.
Mediation lowers blood pressure; reduces stress hormones (which cause weight gain); calms the mind; improves concentration; inspires creative solutions; increases mental clarity; decreases sadness and depression by elevating serotonin levels; and . . . the list goes on.
Meditation, like playing the piano, gets easier the more you practice. When we release our attachment to extraneous thoughts, we see the world with CLARITY.
Which is sometimes S~C~A~R~Y. 😯
So funny… you nailed it! ….oh, the antics of the mind! You never know how many roommates you have living “in there” until you sit and try to focus on the breath…then they start jabbering….a whole bunch of pests! Thank goodness they quiet down at times and let that “clarity” roommate have a say. Loved this post!
Thanks, Kathy. I’ve been meaning to play along with the Weekly Writing Challenge since it commenced . . . finally managed to carve out enough time to do a submission.
It helped that the theme this week appealed to me on every level.
I would like to meditate, but please could you speak up, I can’t hear you over the Wagner on my iPod.
🙂
Please . . . step away from the iPod.
I wonder if Wagner might be a meditative aide . . . Mozart’s Eine Kline Nachtmusick works for me.
I don’t like Wagner. I think he would be very disruptive of a meditation session. Now Mozart…. yes. 🙂
Pachelbel’s Canon works too . . . once you stop laughing at this clip:
https://nrhatch.wordpress.com/2010/08/24/pachelbels-canon-in-d/
Sounds like Mr Piglet and me doing the Pilates video
You made me laugh, PiP! 😆
Mr P and I are like itch and scratch.
Well that’s better than Ren and Stimpy . . . or Lilo and Stitch! 😀
I actually thought about this post today, Nancy, when my whole day erupted in a seething volcano of stress. Thank you.
The best way to slow the flow . . . is to go with the flow! Thanks, Andra.
😆 I do use a personal mantra. “I feel such a sense of peace” and peace just starts to settle over me.
Good one!
Peace & cheers!
Wonderful, Pix! Our lives often are a self-fulfilling prophecy . . . what we claim as true becomes true.
When we master our thoughts . . . we master our life. 😀
I use it at night too to sleep when I feel anxious. I also use it when every dang Doctor slaps that blood pressure cuff on my arm!
I do that too! As soon as the blood pressure cuff goes on, I follow my breath. Last reading = 95/57!
You can meditate almost anywhere and under almost any circumstances…but I don’t! I do have yoga classes three evenings a week and one of the most effective parts of the relaxing is the five minutes or so of opening meditation. Everything else dissolves. Begging the question why don’t I do it more often then three times a week?
Yes, Debra, why don’t you?
I’ve actually been thinking about some changes…you may have tipped the thinking scale! 🙂
Well, I’m impressed that you attend yoga classes three evenings a week. I keep “meaning” to get back to doing yoga and it doesn’t happen.
So, maybe you have tipped the scales for me too.
haha – am going to the mountains this weekend. A perfect place to try again (I’ve never been very successful)
The link to Meditation 101 might give you a few ideas. Also, I have some links to Meditation sites on my Blog Roll.
Tip: Don’t worry too much about whether you’re doing it “right.” If you feel relaxed and at peace, you’re on the right track.
LOL. That took me right back to teaching meditation to a class of school kids. Sadly realistic.
Meditation for Beginners must be the hardest class to teach . . . with a rooom filled with people who are being asked to do NOTHING but sit in silent repose.
With Yoga and Tai Chi, there are outward manifestations and movements that allow beginners to say, “Am I doing this right?”
In contrast, as soon as a meditation student asks, “Am I doing this right?” . . . they are doing it “wrong” since they have shifted their awareness from internal to external. 😉
As Willie Wordsworth wailed, ‘The world is too much with us …’
Yes! Meditation is a way to step away from the world for awhile. Aah . . . that’s better!
Meditation comes in many different forms – I often find inner peace from outward observation. Watching the trains go by works for me by channelling my thoughts. The same is true of watching the birds at the feeding station. Sadly, closing my eyes and concentrating on my breathing just doesn’t work – I need the outer distractions to feel at peace.
The Meditation 101 post (link above) addresses a number of different meditation techniques, all valid.
I watch waves. You watch trains. Or birds. As we watch, intrusive thoughts recede. Peace surfaces. Aah . . . that’s better!
Aah.. that’s better! I agree 🙂
Love that you put Mickey Mouse into a meditation post 🙂
Disney characters always make me S~M~I~L~E!
Yep, that’s what I go through if I try to medidate? Oh, I forgot to take the trash cans out and I hear the garbage truck coming. I wonder what I should make for dinner. I need to add flour to my shopping list. Argh, I forgot to pay the electric bill…
The mind does that ON PURPOSE because it doesn’t want you in the driver’s seat. It likes being on auto-pilot without being reined in.
But if you stick with it . . . and allow those thoughts to fly by . . . you start to see pauses through the ticker tape of thoughts . . . . and the pauses get longer . . . . . . and longer . . . . . . . . . until . . . . you . . . . find . . . . peace. 😀
I promise, I’ll try it out someday. I’m sure it feels good, just like when you find “the flow” while doing something you enjoy.
I will confess to never having tried to meditate with 2 active boys zooming in and around me. Maybe you could practice a “sleeping meditation” after they’re tucked in for the night?
This post was my laughter medicine for the day! 😀 Hilarious—loved it!
Thanks! I had TONS of FUN writing it.
Love that quote to ponder.
Glad the quote resonated, HA. It may be mine (I honestly can’t remember) but it has definitely been my experience while meditating ~ as soon as the room disappears, the world within expands.
This reminds me of my school days when we were literally forced to attend yoga and meditation classes for ‘relaxation’ purposes. Though the meditation sessions were extremely relaxing, i’ll give them that, yoga was pure torture!
I taught Yoga and Meditation to 5th, 6th & 7th graders a time or two . . . some liked one, some liked the other, a few liked both, many just wanted to go to lunch. 😀
Hahaha the beginning paragraph had me cracking up, well written! Congrats on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks, S&TC!
Until I read your comment, I didn’t realize I had been Freshly Pressed! Thanks for tuning me in.
haha that’s great!!
What a fun way to meditate! Unfortunately…or fortunately…I don’t have a remote, laptop, cellphone or ipod. to distract me. The easiest way to get into meditation is to light candles and focus on the flame. This helps to clear the mind. Also, there are several good guided meditations on the market to help you focus. I find it easier and more comfortable to lie on the floor (rather than sit in a chair) with my head slightly elevated so that my chin is pointing to my heart chakra. It’s okay to fall asleep…you might find yourself soul travelling to other dimensions! The important thing is…relax and enjoy!
The link to Meditation 101 (above) includes other ideas, including staring at a candle flame. I also have some links to wonderful Meditation sites on my Blog Roll.
I agree with you . . . meditation should never add to our stress. We need not worry about whether we’re doing it “right.” If we feel relaxed and at peace, the way will teach us the way.
Namaste. _/!\_
That’s funny. And it’s amazing how many people go to a meditation class to relax but bring all the things that stress themselves out.
Someone shared a FUNNY and SAD e-mail with me this week ~ full of photos of people in restaurants, at the beach, at ball games, in museums, etc., all focused on their tiny hand-held tech devices rather than interacting with their friends.
Silly rabbits!
That’s why my phone is just simply calling. no texting, not internet searches, no whatever. it’s unnecessary.
I’m with you, rami! My cell phone is a phone (that occasionally likes to take pictures of the inside of my purse). 😀
Very Nice! Simple and Fun! Keep on spreading the magic.
Thanks! Shall do my best. 😀
This reminded me of all the times I tried to meditate. I’m a little better however I still get distracted. I was watching tv as I read this. This post had me rolling. It was so funny and true to how people struggle to concentrate and relax.
Thanks, G! Glad it was good for a laugh. 😀
When I first started a meditation practice, the incoming thoughts arrived with the furious intensity of buzzing bees. Trying to swat them all away was impossible, until I gave my mind something BETTER to focus on.
If we say, “Do NOT think about Pink Elephants,” it is hard NOT to think about PINK elephants.
If we say, “Think about passing clouds,” all else drifts away . . . and eventually only blue sky remains.
Ahh yes, retraining the mind! In this I have much more work to do lol.
Me too!
That was so funny… I identified for sure. 🙂
When I first started to meditate, I thought I’d never ‘get it’…. With practise, of course, it came..
I eventually became a teacher, and loved to watch others overcoming ‘the monkey mind’. I used a technique for some that helped them to learn to focus. I would light a candle, and ask that they watch the flame until able to close their eyes. If the thoughts returned they could open their eyes, and focus once again on the flame. It seemed to help quite a few… Each to his own, of course. We’ll all find something that works, if we really want to, that is.. 😉
That’s a wonderful tip, Carolyn. I prefer to meditate with eyes closed . . . but using the flame as an initial focus is a great idea to get the Monkey Mind to slow down. Perfect!
Thanks for sharing.
Also, I used to say to people not to try ‘too hard’ to stop the mind from thinking. I found, for some, that was almost impossible. For those I would suggest they take a very deep breath when those ‘more stubborn’ thoughts were active. This ‘deeper breathe’ (at that moment) helped some to move deeper into meditation, and away from the thoughts.
Once we know the benefits of meditation it’s hard to remember how chaotic our thoughts used to be… well, that is so for me… thank goodness..!
Yes! These days, my mind is far more reflective. When a jagged thought springs up, I calmly look at it and mindfully choose whether and how to respond. Far fewer knee jerk reactions . . . unless I’m sick, tired, or cranky. 😉
Wow! Now that tells why we people can’t meditate at all! These distractions are doing nothing but taking control of our life from our own hands and we are letting them do so..
I received an e-mail this week full of photos of people in restaurants, at the beach, at ball games, in museums, etc., all focused on the tiny hand-held screens of tech devices rather than interacting with the friends sitting next to them.
Some people are so obsessed with “being connected” to the WWW that they are disconnected from those in the same room with them.
Humor makes the world go around, and also helps with your breathing.
Nice post……….. Probably explains why Himalayan monks don’t have cell phones.
Cheers
Mick
Exactly. They use Tibetan Prayer Bells instead of Ma Bell to stay connected! 😎
Loved this posting, Nancy. I do, however, have a cure. I’m going to market the first iPhone app that will do the meditation for you. Just press “meditate” and the iPhone will attain peace of mind while you multitask. Care to become my business partner?
Capital idea, Kozo!
Dial “1” for Peace of Mind.
Dial “2” for Serenity Now.
Dial “3” for Calm Abiding.
cute and funny….reminded me to get off my laptop…
Step away from the laptop! It’s time for a cyber break! 😀
That is a real beginner’s lesson! Despite being hilarious, it says a lot in a few words: breathe in, breathe out… focus. I never thought of Mickey Mouse as meditative. 🙂 congratulations on being Freshly Pressed!
Thanks, Allison! Mickey is a Zen Gem . . . except when the cameras are rolling and that nervous laugh kicks in. 😀
My way of meditating usually involves listening to music and reflecting on the knowledge I picked up from book that I have read. Usually to active to just lie still for several minutes. Plus if I do that I will fall asleep within 5 minutes.
In a meditative state, I’m not fully awake and aware of my surroundings. But I’m not asleep.
I just am.
And I always arise fully relaxed and refreshed, never groggy.
is that like yoga or hypnosis? i’ll look forward to more posts. maybe i haven’t experienced it yet after all.
Hmm . . . I’ve never been hypnotised, so I can’t compare it with hynosis. I can say that, for me, it is a deeper state of relaxation than yoga.
You know that moment right BEFORE you fall asleep . . . it’s a bit like that, but more extended in duration. I’m definitely conscious and aware of my surroundings . . . but they seem farther away and far less noteworthy than at other times.
I would hear a fire alarm, if one went off.
If someone called my name, I would be able to respond.
But it’s a deeper state of relaxation than just sitting with eyes closed.
Hope that helps!
Thank you for the hilarity. ‘scusa must go and meditate online. 🙂 Take care.
Thanks, HFWZ!
Om Mane Padme Om. _/!\_
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
In again.
And I’m out 😛
Woke up 2 hours later! 😛
Anyways congrats on Freshly Pressed 😀
Check mine too?
Cheers 😀
Thanks, randommango! Hope you feel refreshed after your 2 hour sojourn in the land of Nod! 😀
Love this. Congrats on Freshly Pressed 😀
Thanks, GD! I’m delighted that WP selected this post for Freshly Pressed . . . I enjoy humor posts the most.
I love this post! Definitely deserves to be on Freshly Pressed! Was a fun read1
Thanks, Emma! It was a lovely surprise . . . and a terrific way to start the weekend.
Good name, btw. One of my nieces is an Emma (except when she chooses to be an Emily). 😉
Haha, this is brilliant.
I have been writing comedy based how tos as well recently, so this was great.
Bob Newhart recorded some GREAT comedic sketches using the “how to” approach ~ The Driving Instructor, How To Play Baseball, etc.
Life is better with laughter. 😀
This is great! Reminds me of trying to do my yoga DVD with the kids running in and out of the room. 🙂
Ha ha! That would be challenging. When I’m doing certain poses, and Tigger swings by to investigate, I can hear him thinking, “You call that a stretch? Try this one!”
So pleased to see you are Freshly Pressed – about time 🙂 Congratulations 🙂
Thanks, PiP! Being FP was a lovely surprise when I got back from our beach picnic on Friday. 😀
lovely…. love how you turned such a non-funny thing into funny… great post 🙂
Thanks! Teaching meditation to beginners is a challenge . . . but its a FUN one.
Hahaha…perfect read after my lunch break, just before I head back to work. Had me smiling behind my computer. Thank you for this!
Yay! Nothing like a good giggle to energize us for the afternoon workload. 😀
Reblogged this on wangeshicarol and commented:
Focus is Key! Drop all catch the moment….. Breath in …..
Breath out….. good!
Thanks for reblogging! 😀
Sounds like every time I try to meditate… Hmm..
Most of us have monkey minds . . . racing, racing all the time. Getting the ticker-tape of thoughts to slow down is hard work, but it’s worth it.
And it gets easier with practice, like everything we seek to learn in life ~ walking, tying our shoes, riding a bike, learning a language, playing a musical instrument, etc. We learn by doing.
Very true, could not agree more.