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What On Earth? April 1, 2012

Posted by nrhatch in Blogging, Humor, Word Play.
25 comments

“Man, BFF, Sidey’s picked a winner of a weekend theme this week.”

“Oh, yeah.  What’s the theme?”

“Tellurian.”

Tellurium . . . the chemical element used in alloys?  That’s an odd theme.”

Wikipedia ~ Astronomical Clock (in Public Domain)

“No.  Not tellurium . . . tellurian.”

Tellurion?  Those clocks are so cool!”

“Clocks?”

“Of a sort.  The mechanism depicts how the Earth’s movement in its tilted orbit creates day, night, and seasons.”

“April Fool’s!”

“Nope.  Scouts honor!  . . . Tellurion clocks also display the moon phases from new to full.”

“I’ve got to google this . . .

“OK, here . . . I’ve got it . . . according to Wikipedia . . . The tellurion is related to the orrery, which illustrates the relative positions and motions of the planets and moons in the solar system in a heliocentric model.

“Sounds about right.”

“Wiki has photos of a tellurions and orreries, including a tellurion made in 1766 and used by John Winthrop to teach astronomy at Harvard.”

“So, sounds like you’re all set to join Sidey’s stable of weekend warriors.”

“Hmm . . . I’m not sure.”

“Why on Earth not?”

Wikipedia ~ Earth (in Public Domain)

“Well, her theme is tellurian . . . the clock is spelled T~E~L~L~U~R~I~O~N, derived from the Latin tellus, meaning Earth.”

“Look . . . according to Wiki, it can be spelled T~E~L~L~U~R~I~A~N too.”

“Tellurium . . . Tellurion . . . Tellurian . . . sounds like an Irish lullaby.”

“And the perfect word for a spelling bee!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

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Of Mice And Men April 1, 2012

Posted by nrhatch in Animals, Humor.
53 comments

BFF and I love to play April Fool’s Day jokes on each other,  attempting to  convince the other to believe the unbelievable.

One April Fool’s Day, I had help in creating the perfect April Fool’s joke.

A prank so perfect that . . . well, I’ll let you be the judge.

Wikipedia ~ April Fool’s Day (in Public Domain)

I returned home from work to find both cats stationed outside the door to the master bedroom.

Hmm . . . that’s odd.

Then, I heard a “splash,” coming from the toilet.  I walked into the bathroom and found a mouse in the toilet ~ or, rather, soaring above it.

Turns out that mice can jump sky-high even from a dead standstill in the middle of a mouse-sized swimming pool.

To picture it, envision someone jumping into a swimming pool from the high dive . . . now, play that tape in reverse.

The mouse, who obviously had decided to die another day, leapt straight up out of the water, about a foot into the air, again and again, desperate to reach freedom.

I am an animal lover, just one of the many reasons that I am a vegetarian, but I did NOT want this determined little mouse roaming around the house for three good reasons:  turds, turds, turds.

Moreover, I did not want him getting out of the toilet since our two cats were eyeing him hungrily, having not yet had their dinner.

I closed the lid, and posted a post-it note on it, saying simply MOUSE IN HERE, in case BFF made it into the bathroom before I could fill him in on our April Fool’s Day visitor.

Undeterred, Stuart Little kept jumping up, and bumping up against the underside of the seat cover.   His efforts so Herculean that he actually lifted the lid with the force of his efforts to escape.

Wikipedia ~ Mighty Mouse (Fair Use)

I changed his name, on the spot, from Stuart Little to Mighty Mouse.

Remember Mighty Mouse?   ”Mighty Mouse is on the way . . . that means that Mighty Mouse will save the day.”    If you’ve never seen a Mighty Mouse cartoon, picture Superman as a rodent flying around, fighting villains.

Who came up with the idea?   Probably the guy who invented Under-Dog.

Anyway, since Mighty Mouse insisted on jumping with great intensity, the lid was bouncing up and down like rapidly exploding Jiffy Pop popcorn.

I grabbed an enormous phone book to weigh down the seat while I weighed my options.

One option, the easiest, was just to flush the wee beastie back down where he had come from.  After all,”what comes up, must go down.”  But that seemed rather heartless for an animal lover like me.

If we decided to go that route, my husband would have to press the lever since flushing rodents, like catching snakes, obviously falls into the clearly-defined category of Men’s Work.

Just then, I heard my husband’s car in the driveway.

I raced out to fill him in on the happenings, “BFF, you are not going to believe this, there’s a mouse in our toilet!”

He just grinned, “April Fools.”

No, really, there is a mouse in the toilet.”

Not budging, he reached for his briefcase, muttering, “April Fools,” in such a disheartened manner that I knew he was disappointed that this was the best prank I had come up with all day.

Stamping my foot for emphasis, and dragging out the syllables of his name, I repeated, “B – F – F, I am not playing an April Fools’ joke on you.  There IS a mouse in the toilet.  It was there when I got home from work, and it is YOUR job, as the man of the house, to remove the mouse from these premises!”

Playing along with what he still assumed to be a joke, he followed me into the bathroom, saw the telephone book sitting on the throne wearing the post-it note as a crown, “MOUSE IN HERE.”

Smiling indulgently, he laughed, and repeated, “April Fools!” ~ sounding a bit cheerier as he said it . . . no doubt impressed by my props.

At that moment, Mighty Mouse banged his head against the lid, raising it up far enough that BFF realized that there was, indeed, something animate in the toilet.

Crap!”

“No, not crap.  Mouse.  It’s a mouse.  If it was crap, I would have flushed it down already ~ if it’s yellow, let it mellow . . . if it’s brown, flush it down.”

BFF stared at me as if I’d lost my mind, then removed the phone book and lifted the lid to take a quick peek at the contents of the toilet.  Sure enough, the little gray mouse, somewhat tuckered out by now, was doggie-paddling around the bowl.

BFF closed the lid and sat down to think.  After all, what better place to think than on the toilet?  For men at least, it is the think tank of all think tanks.

Think Tank (in Public Domain)

Inspired, BFF ran to get the spa strainer to catch Mighty Mouse.  Likewise inspired, I added “spa strainer” to my shopping list.

BFF caught the mouse, first scoop!

Alas, the mouse escaped (while being transferred into the empty cat litter pail BFF intended to use as a transport vehicle), ran over to the sink, and squeezed between the wall and the cabinet ~ a space less than a quarter of an inch in width!

WTF?

Apparently, mice have bodies (and bones!) that conform to the space available.  Our visitor was gone, in a flash ~ like Flash Gordon or the real Mighty Mouse.

Not one to concede defeat, BFF got out his power tools, took out the bottom drawer of the vanity, and cut an enormous hole into cabinet carcass (the bottom frame of the cabinet) upon which the drawer sits.

Once into the mouse-sized Panic Room, BFF used the spa strainer, once again, to back Mighty Mouse into a corner and net him.

Success!

Wikipedia ~ House Mouse (in Public Domain)

This time, BFF took precautions to transfer the little guy from the net into the carrier pail without leaving anything to chance.

Covering the pail with the strainer net, BFF carried Mighty Mouse  outside and released him.

Mighty Mouse, uninjured except for a nick in his tail which had drawn a bit of blood, raced into the wild ~ where wild animals prefer to be (or at least where we prefer them to be).

Where was I during this catch and release mission?

Supervising the entire enterprise from the top of the bathroom vanity.

Hands down, it was the best April Fools’ Day ever!   For us, that is, I don’t think that Mighty Mouse enjoyed the experience at all.

The House That Janna Built April 1, 2012

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Poetry, Word Play.
27 comments

Wikipedia ~ Hard Hat (in Public Domain)

The walls are not plumb
The porch is not square
The windows are cockeyed
And won’t let in fresh air

The doors don’t quite close
The toilets aren’t flush
The walls are all marred
With lines from the brush

The porch, like a hammock,
Just won’t stop swaying
The circuits are fried
And the doorbell is braying

The chimney is crooked
Loose bricks abound
Did they build this dump
On sacred burial ground?

Wikipedia ~ Poltergeist (in Public Domain)

Are poltergeists laughing
At the mess they’ve spawned?
Will the house still be standing
When tomorrow has dawned?

Or will these lopsided walls
Cave in and crumble?
Burying sloped crooked floors
‘Neath rubble and rumble

I stopped the foreman
As he rounded the corner
Hard hat in hand
He looked like a mourner

Sad eyes met mine
As he surveyed the scene
A house all gone wrong
Had not been his theme

Hearing my question
Before it was uttered
He hastened to answer
In a guttural mutter

“When picking a crew
Be sly like a fox . . .
Avoid volunteers who
Don’t own a tool box”

Inspired by a comment by Janna . . . who, like me, doesn’t know her way around a tool box with any degree of proficiency.

That’s ok ~ JannaT . . . Writes!

Related posts:  Wergle Flomp Humor Poetry Contest * I’m A “Free Radical” * Janna’s Comment / My Inspiration * Fools Rush In (Flying G’ma) * National Poetry Month (WP Prompt)