The Golden Rule Is Tarnished January 13, 2012
Posted by nrhatch in Mindfulness, People.trackback
Perhaps one reason there is so much intolerance and race to judgment is the Golden Rule so many of us learned in Sunday School:
Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.
It encourages us to view our way of dealing with the world as THE right way, and to notice when others fall short of the bar we’ve set for THEIR behavior.
As we focus on US, and evaluate how we want others to treat US, we become a bit like The Church Lady, pursing our lips, Well, isn’t that special?!
Perhaps we need to adopt a different Golden Rule:
I bless you. I release you. I set you free.
I allow you to be you and me to be me.
Aah . . . that’s better.
What say you?
Related posts: If The World Was Populated By Six Billion Of Me, I’d Be Totally Gay (Raptitude) * Perfect Picture Book Fridays ~ Yes, We Can (Positive Parental Participation) * Inspiration ~ Lessons We Wish We Had Learned Earlier (Mirth & Motivation)
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Spirit Lights The Way 
What you share from your soul and put into words is a blessing and a gift to us all! Namaste _/\_
Thanks, Michelle.
If we want to be accepted for WHO we are, we need to allow others the same latitude by accepting them as they are. 😀
It all comes down to recognizing and accepting that each individual is different, and what is right for one may not be right for the other. Learning to read these differences and accepting them for what they are could, indeed, make this world a better place. Thanks for the new rule, Nancy.
Excellent thoughts, Lisa. We are not homogenous. Life is NOT one-size-fits-all. Each of us is on a different path. Nevertheless, we are urged to “conform to the norm.” To “get in line” and “stay in line.”
The Golden Rule encourages us to act like Border Collies . . . yipping and yapping at the heels of miscreant “sheep” who stray outside the fold by choosing to “color outside the lines.”
When we accept ourselves as and where we are . . . we stop using others as a frame of reference for our behavior. We look within to determine what to be, say, and do . . . and we encourage others to let their own inner light shine.
ALMOST ideal, Nancy… Why not leave the Golden Rule as one that is always tarnishable and call this new rule the DIAMOND RULE ~ for as your blessing says, each of us is free to be ourselves ~ a precious gem. Has ayone ever even thought of naming a DIAMOND RULE…? 😉
Ooh . . . that’s lovely, Joanne. Other options:
The Ruby Rule.
The Rock Rule.
The Zebra Rule.
The Coat of Many Colors Rule.
The Color Outside The Lines Rule.
The “Be Who You Are” Rule.
The Loving Kindness and Compassion Rule.
The Acceptance Rule.
The Non-Judgment Rule.
The “Look deep . . . the answers lie within” Rule.
The “Be Here Now” Rule.
Loving this one!
Emptying our expectations allows us to “Let It Be” far more easily.
Peace within -> Peace without.
I’ve had a really hard time with the Golden Rule this year. I realized that it sounds wonderful in theory, but sometimes a few folks will treat you poorly, regardless of how kind you are to them. I guess the important part is just to be the kind one, no matter if you get a little bad in return sometimes!
Excellent point, Tori. We cannot control how others choose to live their lives . . . we can only control our choices and our reaction to their choices.
Acting with loving kindness and compassion, and extending forgiveness, benefits us:
And the other fallacy with the Golden Rule is that if we don’t think well of ourselves (which many many people truly don’t), then the way we treat others IS the way we really feel we should be treated…not well at all. So we come back to what I think is one of the keys to loving others…learn to love yourself. That’s why I’m always so passionate about uplifting young kids and helping them value themselves, master tasks and skills, develop a positive self-image. Then they can reach out and value others.
Thanks Nancy…great post!
I agree, Vivian. When we learn to love, value, and appreciate our unique attributes . . . we appreciate and value the unique attributes we see in others.
“allow” still puts us in control as in the first rule and still indicates our way is the right way or that we are in authority to grant this allowance. Or should I even allow what is unacceptable based on the simplest or moral or ethical structure? But that keeps us in the loop that our way is exclusive of all others. Is tolerate a better word? Probably not as it is not incumbent upon me to tolerate the intolerable which still keeps us in the loop of being judgmental. Why are we to expect fairness or reciprocity on the part of the other in the first place? Perhaps a directive that moderates our behavior not contingent on another’s may offer a solution such as “do not be the source of anyone’s misfortune or discomfort” In addition there is a difference in being judgmental and exercising good judgment.
Good thoughts, Carl. I see “allow” as a synonym for “accept” . . . or “let it be.” I strive to embrace the Wiccan precept, “Do what you will an harm none.”
Do you think the U.S. is intolerant to other nations?
That’s a BIG question, PiP.
What do you mean by “the U.S.”?
Can a country be intolerant?
Or is it people within a country who are tolerant or intolerant?
Many people in the U.S. are intolerant . . . not just to other nations but to those within its borders.
That last line is almost as catchy!
Thanks, Greg.
I expect that it’s not the Golden Rule, per se, that’s tarnished . . . it’s its faulty application.
We apply the rule backwards, to JUDGE the actions of others rather than using it solely as a barometer for our OWN actions.
For example, someone does something we don’t like, and we rush to judgment, thinking, “Wow! I would never treat someone that way! What is WRONG with them?!?! Don’t they know that they SHOULD . . . “
Instead, we could just think, “How should I choose to act in this type of situation?”
I always thought in the Golden Rule in modern idiom would sound like: “Be awesome to each other.”
Not that it would change anything, but it might be more readily understood.
I love that, Matt! 😀
In theory, I am supposed to be the best person I can be, regardless of how people treat me. In practice, that isn’t easy. Still, it’s the right way for me to live life.
I’m with you . . . I never feel better if I lower my standards to meet that of the lowest common denominator.
I strive to be kind . . . and to smile whenever possible.
Nancy….that different “golden rule”….it is expressed so simply and contains such love,kindness, compassion and wisdom in those few words…it’s beautiful. And the DaliaLama video is so special too…thank you.
Thanks, Kathy. It is so easy to fall into the trap of judging others by the bar we’ve set up for ourselves.
The Dalai Lama’s wisom always inspires me. 😀
Of course, for me, inspiration leads to creating pages to keep that inspiration alive… I have a dearly loved one, a 24 year old, who needs to hear these special words from me today…..she deeply needs to hear these words today…may I use them in my own center post?…and may she hear them and have them resonate with love, blessings and acceptance… thank you for those words…kathy
here’s the page, not in the post section yet… yet…http://pocketperspectives.wordpress.com/other/i-allow-you-to-be-you-and-me-to-be-me/
Yes, of course. Post away!
oh nooooooooooo….I just saw that used the wrong words!….it’s I set you free. not I accept you….I’ll change that!…ahhhh, attention to detail…. (I didn’t catch that in your comment, at first, but then it made it’s way along the brain pathways…. maybe I’m trying to learn acceptance too… : ) which is part of it…. ) But, “I set you free…” is a lovely image…thanks
Not a problem, Kathy. I did see that it wasn’t an “exact quote” but I thought maybe you wanted to highlight “acceptance.”
I also didn’t know if it would be an easy thing to change once you’d created the page.
And the plot thickens . . . I just googled the quote and found it in several other places, including:
http://theboldlife.com/2009/03/are-you-bold-enough-to-forgive-yourself-others/
So it’s NOT mine. 😀
Good post, Nancy. Years ago I replaced the Golden Rule with Tony Alessandra’s “Platinum Rule” “Treat others the way they want to be treated.”
What if they are masochists? And want us to exhibit sadistic tendencies? That would make me uncomfortable. 😉
(Sorry. Couldn’t resist.)
Perhaps the problem stems from attempting to sum up life (in all its messy complexity) with a “one-size-fits-all” rule. Doing so causes us to quickly cubbyhole present experiences based on past experiences . . . instead of seeing them as UNIQUE.
I like the new golden rule, based on love and acceptance; certainly can’t go wrong with that! I’d forgotten all about that SNL character…now I’m going to have to youtube it for a laugh; thanks.
The Church Lady is ALWAYS good for a laugh! Especially when she does her little dance! 😀
I say hear, hear. Backpedal on the judgement, heavy on the trusting others to live their own lives. Fab post, Nancy.
As parents of “wee ones” . . . we certainly need to help them set the “right bar” for themselves.
But, for most other people, we (as individuals) need to allow them to be self-governing, rather than policing their every action (or omission) by OUR yardstick.
Oooh, Nancy, a gem of truth! Beautifully done. Sharing in Facebook and Twitter. 😉
Thanks, Marie! When we embrace diversity of thought, word, and deed . . . the world will know PEACE!
That was the first thing my father wrote in a book of mine one. Loved it then and still do.
And hit the post comment button too soon.
I was going to say your perspective ties in nicely with mine about CQ and mindfulness. While my interpretation of that golden rule is to be mindful of others, I can see how it could be construed to expect everyone to “be like us.”
When the Golden Rule is applied as a barometer for OUR behavior, it works a charm . . . encouraging us to act with integrity and honor OUR values.
Problems arise when we attempt to use it as a “sword” to prod others to act in alignment with OUR yardstick.
And I answered your comment BEFORE seeing your addendum.
It’s a fine line.
If we don’t want others to steal from us, we shouldn’t steal.
If we don’t want others to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.
If we don’t want others to boss us around, we shouldn’t boss them around.
Etc.
And . . . if we don’t want others to judge us by THEIR yardstick, we shouldn’t judge them by OURS. 😀
The more accepting we are of cultural differences and diversity . . . the happier we all shall be. Sadly, society (and marketing moguls) are always urging us to “conform to the norm” . . . because it’s easier to herd a homogenous group of sheep.
I hadn’t had my full cup of coffee! 🙂
Gotcha! I try to stay away from the keyboard until AFTER my coffee and morning meditation.
If I don’t, I’m apt to press “Publish” instead of “Save Draft.” 😉
I like it! Thank you! Yes!
Thanks, Nancy! Sounds like it resonated with you.
I can’t begin to tell you how many “church ladies” I’ve met who wanted to use their yardstick to measure my worth to the world.
Silly rabbits. 😉
[…] words were on Nancy Hatch’s blog this morning…Spirit Lights the Way… “The Golden Rule Is Tarnished” (link in comments box below) where she writes… “perhaps we need to adopt a different […]
Oh how I hear you, Do unto others… we all should do this, but it is not always done. I love to listen and not talk but sometimes I get tired of hearing others talk and never reciprocate…in my family.
I hear ya, Jackie. You’re not alone. Most people appreciate some degree of reciprocity in relationships ~ a give and take, a back and forth, an ebb and flow.
Without that balance, it begins to feel lopsided.
Beautifully said.
Thanks, Renee.
I see that Joyce and Jean are doing a booksigning this Sunday at Back Alley on Bridge Street. I may make it over there to meet them. If not, I hope to meet all three of you on the 24th at Ginny and Jane E’s.
Great point. I don’t think people care much for the rule anymore or maybe the internet makes it appear so… I’m for the platinum rule… 😉
You and Rik, both!
And when we release, the trick is to leave the release alone. ;D
Exactly . . . no chasing after judgmental thoughts to revive them ad infinitum. 😉
Wow. That’s a whole different perspective on the Golden Rule! Actually, I like your new slant on it better. I’m going work harder on myself.
I expect it’s not the Golden Rule, per se, that’s tarnished . . . it’s its faulty application.
We apply the rule backwards, to JUDGE the actions of others rather than using it solely as a barometer for our OWN actions.
For example, someone does something we don’t like, and we rush to judgment, thinking, “Wow! I would never treat someone that way! What is WRONG with them?!?! Don’t they know that they SHOULD . . . “
Instead, we could just think, “How should I choose to act in this type of situation?”
I never thought of it that way before, but I have to agree. A Golden Rule that emphasizes how I myself feel/think isn’t going to give me the empathy I need to consider others.
As always, thought-provoking…
Thanks, Julie. When the Golden Rule is applied as a barometer for OUR behavior, it works a charm . . . encouraging us to act with integrity and honor OUR values.
Problems arise when we attempt to use it as a “sword” to prod others to act in alignment with OUR yardstick.
Oh dear, Nancy – while I understand what you are saying (I think), I nevertheless feel like perhaps it has been over-analyzed. The rule as I see it is teaching that we should keep in mind that others are the same as us in that we all need forgiveness, we all need love, we all need acceptance. If that is the way that I wish to be dealt with, then that is the way that I must deal with others.
It reminds me of the line in “The Lord’s Prayer” which says, “Forgive us our trespasses, as we forgive those who trespass against us.” (Or debts and debtors.) To me that is saying that I am asking God to forgive me ONLY as much as I am willing to forgive others! It certainly makes me want to forgive and put aside anything that I might perceive as a trespass against me.
The Golden Rule grew out of the much older Jewish teaching, “Do NOT to others what you would not have done to you.” Jesus took the “laissez-faire” tone of that and moved it up a step by making our dealings with one another proactive, rather than passive alone.
Also, the Golden Rule does not stand alone, scripturally – but it is frequently remembered as such. First was the command to “Love God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength.” The second half is like it, but in my mind only becomes real if the first half is committed to. If we live our lives as an act of love (agape), then we will love ourselves as we should and be able to love others more perfectly. Learning to love in its purest sense is a process.
You are correct in that the GR can be twisted, as many other sayings can be and have. One of my favorites is “Charity begins at home.” People have used that as an excuse for taking care of #1 first and foremost, since it was first uttered. What it is truly saying (IMHO) is that the whole idea of understanding charity and giving must first be learned at home. It is more a rule of how to teach our children, than a pronouncement on what charity is.
Oh well, I am off topic again, as usual. . .
Thoughtful post. The main thrust of my musings here is that rather than throw out the GR, try to search for the greater meaning, and a greater understanding.
But everything’s relative, and my favorite word once again comes into play: HERMENEUTICS!
Thanks, Nancy! 😆
The Golden Rule is fairly straightforward if we use it to judge ONLY our actions:
If we don’t want others to steal from us, we shouldn’t steal.
If we don’t want others to bully us, we shouldn’t bully them.
If we don’t want others to boss us around, we shouldn’t boss them around.
Etc.
The problem is in the application of the Golden Rule by people who use it as an offensive weapon to JUDGE others . . . rather than as a barometer for their OWN behavior.
If we don’t want others to judge us by THEIR yardstick, we shouldn’t judge them by OURS.
Judge not. Be kind. ‘Nuf said. 😀
“It encourages us to view our way of dealing with the world as THE right way, and to notice when others fall short of the bar we’ve set for THEIR behavior.”
Nowhere in the GR do I get the sense that it is attempting to guide anyone’s behavior but ourselves. It teaches each individual how we should behave toward others, regardless of what others may do to you; in my own (perhaps dim) view, it says absolutely nothing about the behavior of the others or what they do or how they behave. We can only make the effort to treat other people as we wish to be treated. If they treat us in that fashion, great! But if not, there is nothing in the rule that says we are to demand or expect any sort of behavior from another, or that any sort of treatment we might receive is either “good” or “bad.” It is, as you say, what it is. We let it go, and judge not (unless we wish to be judged as well!). At least there is the satisfaction of knowing in our own hearts that we behaved in the manner we would wish to be dealt with ourselves.
Oh, BTW – I’m replying at length to this most excellent post, because I have never in my life heard or read of the GR being interpreted in the way you have. It is a real eye opener, and I appreciate hearing an entirely different take on what to me has always been the Golden Rule, and untarnished.
We humans have a way of tarnishing a lot of good things, though. I shouldn’t be surprised! 😆
The Golden Rule implies that there is one RIGHT way to deal with the world . . . the way that WE would want to be treated.
From that, people who use it to gauge their OWN behavior begin to expect that others SHOULD act in the same way. And when those expectations aren’t met ~ anger, judgment, and intolerance burst onto the scene.
If that has NOT been your experience, you are one lucky duck!
I understand what you are saying, and you certainly are entitled to feel that way! (I know you feel the same about my own feelings!). Only one thing I will add, and then I promise it is the end and certainly enough from me about this: Your understanding is that the GR IMPLIES something to you, whereas you are INFERRING something from it that perhaps was not the intention (in the same way that my inference might also be not was might have been intended). I just tend to want to believe the best about it and that its intentions, as I infer them, were spot on. But your final two lines are a perfect example of the Golden Rule:
“If we don’t want others to judge us by THEIR yardstick, we shouldn’t judge them by OURS.
Judge not. Be kind. ‘Nuf said.”
You choose not to judge others by your own yardstick because you do not want to be judged by theirs! So, in effect, you are living out the Golden Rule – untarnished! 😆 The way some people interpret the GR does not tarnish it, it tarnishes them! Also, isn’t your judgment of their interpretation a case in point (of both sides of the discussion)? Oh well – once again, we shall agree to disagree, and remain cyber-friends in the best sense of the word. 🙂
As always, Nancy – you put up thought provoking ideas and conversations. Thank you!
You’re right. The rule (standing alone) isn’t the issue ~ it’s the application that’s tarnished. People need to consider whether they are applying the rule “as intended.”
When people use the Golden Rule to measure only their OWN behavior . . . it’s “untarnished.”
But many people use it as an offensive weapon to measure (and JUDGE) the behavior of others BECAUSE of the way it’s taught.
A child takes a toy. A parent, monitoring the behavior, says, “You shouldn’t do that because of the Golden Rule ~ Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.”
The child SEES the parent using the rule to judge the child’s behavior . . . and emulates that type of application when another child takes a cookie from them.
“You SHOULDN’T do that! Haven’t you heard of the Golden Rule?!”
Anytime the Golden Rule is brandished as an offensive weapon . . its tarnish becomes readily apparent.
Very good NR….thought provoking.
I always try to put myself in the other person’s shoes but it is not easy when someone is “in your face”….
No, it’s not. But I find it easier to deal with the situation . . . if I’m not also trying to get the person to conform to MY expectations.
If someone is “rude” . . . I don’t have to chase them down the aisles of the grocery store to give them an etiquette lesson. I can just let THEM and IT go.
Maybe John Lennon said it best: “Speaking words of wisdom . . . Let It Be.”
And when you find a friend that lets you be yourself, hang on to them!
Indeed! Friends who accept us “as is” are PRICELESS! BFF and I have been together for over 30 years . . . he allows me to change and grow and evolve and BE exactly WHO I am. 😀
And I’m so tired of Apple’s auto-corrects of my “its” and “lets” that I may just throw my iPad under the wheels of a bus…grrrr
Fixed it!
Sometimes I type “that’s that” . . . or “It’s its best feature” . . . just to mess with the auto editor’s mojo. 😉
😀
Wow! I’ve been judging people with my yardstick. From now on, I’m just going to “. . . Let It Be.”
Thank you very much.
It’s an easy trap to fall into, Theresa.
I would find myself getting annoyed at X . . . while thinking, “I would NEVER do that to someone.” Now, I try to shrug it off as soon as possible and get back to minding my OWN business . . . with certain exceptions.
If something really is bothering me and it’s a close friend or family member, I talk about it CALMLY.
If I saw someone abusing an animal, I WOULD speak up.
If I saw someone hit a child, I WOULD speak up.
If someone is breaking the law, I would NOT just ignore it. I would speak up, or report them, etc.
But if someone is just being “rude” . . . I try to “let it go.”
“I bless you. I release you. I set you free.
I allow you to be you and me to be me.”
I say I am going to embrace this. It won’t be easy. I hear myself in the past saying, “It’s the principle of the whole thing” with respect that others don’t treat me as I treat them. It sets me up for a world of hurt. Letting it go would be so much easier on my heart in more ways than one.
Thank you Nancy!
You’re right, Pix. It won’t be easy. Old habits die hard. Our Ego mind ENJOYS categorizing, comparing, and judging things . . . even if those thoughts create UNNECESSARY pain, heartache and suffering for us.
First, be mindful of thoughts you are thinking, especially when you get mad, anooyed, sad, etc. Then ask, Will THIS thought bring me happiness? If not, change it. Change it again and again and . . . as many times as it takes.
Learning to let things be as they are, rather than insisting that they meet OUR expectations, allows us to deal with something we can change . . . our attitude. Namaste.
“DO UNTO OTHERS ”
seems so simple – but because of not accepting individualities and lack of tolerance – it falls short way too many a time …..
This is a beautiful Piece …
xx
C
This – from “Humanity Healing ”
always brings my heart back to the simple message …
Beautiful collection of variants on the same theme. If the Golden Rule reminds us to act with compassion and consideration for others, that is all for the good.
But when we use it to determine how others SHOULD treat us, it causes us to create expectations that will not always be met . . . and that leads to anger, frustration, revenge, retribution, judgment, intolerance, etc.
Do what you will . . . an harm none.
agreed ! and it’s sooooooo easy to be kind —— ! and rewarding for love and kindness are their own rewards !
the other way ——— “harming” ——-takes huge amounts of energy –
that hurts oneself as well as the “other ” …. yet there is NO “Other …..:)
I agree. There is no way to harm someone else . . . without harming ourself in the process.
AND that – is INTEGRITY 🙂
Rules are an unfortunate consequence of the need to reside together in a compact community. However, these rules are the ones that society as a whole has to apply for some sense of order to exist. On an individual level, we have to apply rules as guidance to our kids so that they will be able to be good members of society. How we decide those rules and their application is key to whether our children go and get jobs or become misfits within society – with apologies for the simplification. In doing that it’s easy to fall into the trap of ‘Do as I say not as I do’! It’s hard work bringing up kids 😉
Society does, indeed, need rules in order to function. Parents do need to help their children understand how to treat others . . . and it IS hard work bringing up kids.
That said, as individuals, we do not need to stand “in judgment” of the actions of others, especially for every little minor infraction. We can let them “mind their own business.” 😉
I guess my version of “the rule” is this: honour each person’s journey and say a blessing.”
Beautiful, Joss. That’s evident in your signature phrase, “Walk in beauty.” 😀
[…] a common thread running through a variety of blogs. Today I read All I Need to Know, followed by The Golden Rule is Tarnished, and then Absolutes, Bittersweet, and Relief in Renunciation. Each one of these posts, made me […]
I understood the Golden Rule to mean, ‘Be nice to others and they’ll be nice to you’, with the qualifier, ‘But if they aren’t, be nice anyway.’
I try to live by that. Sometimes, I succeed 🙂
That’s a great way to live, Tilly! If we were all a bit kinder than necessary, the world would be a better place.
Dana Carvey will be dancing through my head all day now!
🙂
He made an awesome “church lady.” 😉
Nancy…a very odd thing just happened…it ties in with your quote from this post…one of the people I’ve been saying it over and over about is a dearly loved close relative…one who lives mostly inside now…but sometimes still lives outside due to fear for safety inside, in a cold climate too…one who has had no peace of mind for the past 10 or more years… due to the mind not being okay…I made a post today about that wondering “why?” idea…similar to what you wrote about yesterday…and I’ve spent years trying to help/fix/understand the why of how such a sad thing could happen….and then, at the end of the post…well, if you read it you’ll see…it’s kind of odd timing…there must be another level to the “universe” that isn’t of the logical/rational common sense way I like to live… I shake my head in wonder…
I’ll be around straight away to read your post. Thanks for the heads up.
I like the new Golden Rule. It makes sense to put the focus on us, instead of expecting others to reach our expectations. Instead of being judgemental of others’ shortcomings, we should bless, accept and move on.
It’s hard to do at times . . . our Ego wants us to be “right” and doesn’t care much about whether we are “happy.”
I find it easier and easier to just walk away from negative people and “allow them” to be their own worst enemy.
. . . And when the brokenhearted people
living in the world agree,
there will be an answer, LET IT BE.
For though [we] may be parted,
there is still a chance that [we] will see,
there will be an answer, LET IT BE.
. . . Whisper words of wisdom,
LET IT BE
—The Beatles
The more I think of it, I am not sure this fits exactly, but these are the first words that came to mind when I read your post.
“Let It Be” is a wonderful mantra for anything that is OUTSIDE our control . . . including the actions of others.
What we can control . . . our actions and attitude. Let it be. 😀