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Perfectly Awful & Awfully Perfect May 31, 2011

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Food & Drink, Humor.
50 comments

I met someone perfectly awful at the potluck last night.

She reminded me of Dale Carnegie . . . if he had an alter-ego or an evil twin.

Her unauthorized biography will be titled, How to Lose Friends and Annoy People.

In her mid-70’s, wearing a skimpy halter-topped dress (which left little of her sun-toasted and roasted skin to the imagination), she referred to her weight throughout the evening . . . as she sneered over her sunglasses at people for eating the buns on burgers, the pasta in salad, and the delectable homemade strawberry ice cream.

Guzzling wine like water, she pronounced with an imperious wave, “I never eat white bread.  Or sugar.  Or pasta.  Or ice cream.”

Hmm . . . I guess she prefers her carbohydrates in liquid form.

Wikipedia ~ Strawberry Sundae (in Public Domain)

Offered a small dish of ice cream, she screeched in horror!

Not mock horror.

Actual horror.

Waving her tanned hands down her trim facade, she shrieked, “I can’t eat THAT if I want to look like THIS.”

No doubt mistaking my gaping mouth as admiration for her will power and self-restraint, she leaned in to share her secrets with a captive, though not entirely captivated, audience.

“I walk.  Every morning.  Eight miles.  And I play tennis.  Every day.  And I volunteer.   Every week.  At six different places.  I believe in giving back.  The world would be a better place if we had more people like me!”

Then, sniffing in my general direction, she lifted her chin in challenge, “WHERE do YOU volunteer?”

“I’m on the mangrove committee.”

“The mangrove committee?  Here?  In the neighborhood?  That doesn’t count.”

“It doesn’t?”

“Of course not.  It’s in the neighborhood.  You NEED to volunteer OUTSIDE the neighborhood if you want to give back.”

“Oh, I didn’t know that.”

170px-alice_par_john_tenniel_30Rolling her eyes at my obvious ineptitude, she said, “You NEED to volunteer at Robinson Preserve.  At least one day a week.  For at least four hours.”

“Really?  Why is that?”

“So you can learn about the native plants in the area.”

“Oh, right.  Plants.  Actually, that’s why I volunteered for the mangrove committee . . . to learn about the plants.”

Ignoring me, “I’ll tell you WHO to contact about volunteering at Robinson.”

“Oh, I know quite a few of the volunteers and rangers at Robinson . . .”

Glaring at me, “YOU?!  WHO?!  Who do YOU know at Robinson?”

“Katharine and Mike, Aiden, Melis . . .”

Scoffing audibly, “Katharine and Mike?!  THEY’VE only volunteered there for THREE years.  I’ve been there for SIX!”

“Well, I guess I better get started if I’m ever going to catch up with you.”

As I said, she was perfectly awful . . . or maybe just awfully perfect.  I wonder if she and Wonder Woman’s Evil Twin are related.

Related post:  Granny’s Sodden Sunday  . . . The Irony of Dying Healthy