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Simple Math? Do The Math ~ Contest #3 March 31, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
4 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * * 

I received a mass e-mail last year that I just have to share, in honor of April Fools everywhere.   In pertinent part, it said:

I’m against the $85,000,000,000 bailout of AIG.    Instead, I’m in favor of giving $85 Billion to the American people.  My plan:  give $425,000 to every person 18+ as a “We Deserve It” Dividend.

To make the math simple, let’s assume there are 200,000,000 bona fide U.S. Citizens 18+.  (Our population is about 301,000,000 +/- counting every man, woman and child.  So 200,000,000 might be a fair stab at adults 18 and up.) 

Divide 200 million adults into $85 billion and that equals $425,000.00 per person.

Of course, it would NOT be tax-free.  Let’s assume a tax rate of 30%. 

Every person 18+ has to pay $127,500.00 in taxes.  That sends $25,500,000,000 right back to Uncle Sam. 
 
But it means that every adult 18+ has $297,500.00 in their pocket.  A husband and wife team has $595,000.00. 
 
What would you do with $297,500.00 to $595,000.00 in your family?
 
Pay off your mortgage ~ housing crisis solved. * Repay college loans ~ what a great boost to new grads *  Put away money for college ~ it’ll be there * Save in a bank ~ create money to loan to entrepreneurs. * Buy a new car ~ create jobs * Invest in the market ~ capital drives growth * Pay for your parent’s medical insurance ~ health care improves  

If we’re going to do an $85 billion bailout, let’s bail out every adult US Citizen 18+!  

Sure it’s a crazy idea that can “never work.”  But can you imagine the Coast-To-Coast Block Party!  How do you spell Economic Boom?  I trust my fellow adult Americans to use the $85 Billion “We Deserve It” Dividend more wisely than the geniuses at AIG or in Washington DC.

Ahhh . . . I feel so much better getting that off my chest.
 
Kindest personal regards, Krib (
T. J. Kribenmeier, A Creative Guy & Citizen of the Republic)
 
PS:  Feel free to pass this along to your pals as it’s either good for a
laugh or a very sobering thought on how to best use $85 Billion!!

 Wow!  Wow!  Wow!

Krib needs to recheck his math before sending out mass math e-mails like this!

 OK, let’s really make the math simple:

* $85,000,000,000 divided by 200,000,000 is the same as dividing $850 by 2 (just cancel out 8 zeroes). 

* In other words, this plan would result in $425 for every adult 18 and up, not $425,000! 

 Perhaps Krib, the mathematically challenged citizen above, should use HIS $425 to hire a math tutor!

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Have A Nice Day, Ladies ~ Contest #5 March 30, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People, Spirit & Ego.
6 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * *

BFF and I saw an amazing display of stupidity and bravado on TV the other night.  Oh, wait, we see amazing displays of stupidity and bravado on TV every night . . . I’ll have to be more specific.

A police officer stopped a car after he filmed it weaving all over the road ~  wobbling back and forth from one side of the road to another as if it couldn’t quite make up its mind where it belonged.

Watching it reminded me of a pinball mindlessly bouncing around in a video arcade . . . bing . . . bing . . . bing.

Concerned about the safety of the motoring public, as well as for bikers and pedestrians who might be in the vicinity, the officer pulled the car over and approached the vehicle on foot.

Inside the car, a young girl of about 14 sat behind the wheel.  Beside her, the most belligerent soccer mom in the world seethed ~ you know the type, the woman in the stands who has to argue about every single call by the Ref, and who does it by relying on a vocabulary that would cause Richard Pryor to blush.

Anyway, here’s the exchange, between the Officer (O), the Soccer Mom (M), and her visibly shaken Daughter (D):

O (addressing D):  Ma’am, I pulled you over because you were driving erratically.  May I see your license and registration?

D: {{silence, except for a slight gulping noise}}

M:  She doesn’t have a license.  I’m teaching her to drive.  Why don’t you go bother someone else?

O (addressing D, and ignoring M): May I see your driving permit, please?

D: {{silence, except for a louder gulping noise}}

M:  She doesn’t have a driving permit.  What the hell does she need that for?  I’m teaching her to drive.

O (now addressing M): Ma’am, she needs a driving permit to operate this vehicle on state or county roads.

M:  Why?  My tax dollars paid for this road.  If I want to teach her to drive on these roads, I’m going to do it . . . and you’re not going to stop me.  Why don’t you leave us the f*ck alone!

O (exhibiting restraint): Ma’am.  I’ll need to see your license and registration.

M:  I’m not giving you my license and registration.  I’m not driving this car.  My daughter is.  You are not getting my f*cking license.  Who the f*ck do you think you are?

D (visibly discomfited by the exchange):  Mom, just give him your license and registration . . . please.

M:  Shut the f*ck up!  This is still a free country.  I am a law-abiding citizen and if I want to teach you to drive, I’m going to do it and he needs to get the f*ck out of our business and go chase real criminals.

O (exhibiting amazing restraint):  Ma’am, if you don’t give me your license and registration, I am going to impound this vehicle and take you to jail.

M:  You are not f*cking taking me to jail.  I’ll take your f*cking ass to court.

D (pleading): Mom, please . . . just give him your license and registration.

O (displaying a sense of humor – always handy in heated exchanges):  At least someone in this vehicle has the sense they were born with.

M:  What the f*ck?  Are you dissing me?  Who the f*ck do you think you are?  Get the f*ck away from my car!  Leave us the hell alone . . .

This continued for another few minutes.

Eventually, Soccer Mom produced her license and registration and received two citations:  one for allowing an underage, unauthorized operator behind the wheel, and one for erratic driving (the mishandling of the vehicle during the weaving and bobbing exercise that precipitated the stop).

O:  I need the two of you to switch seats.  Your daughter cannot drive this vehicle home without a driver’s license or permit.

M (exhibiting no restraint):  She can f*cking drive if I say that she can f*cking drive.  This is my f*cking car.

O:  Ma’am, I need you to switch seats with your daughter.

At this point, the daughter unbuckles her seatbelt, gets out of the car, and walks around to the passenger side, all the while pleading with her mother to get out of the vehicle and get behind the wheel.

After they switch places:

D:  Thank you, Officer.

M:  Don’t thank him.  He’s just another bureaucratic asshole trying to chip away at our rights.  This is a free country and . . . I just want you to know that I’m going to keep doing what I think is best for my daughter and to hell with the rest of you.  You’re all a bunch of f*cking assholes.

O:  Have a nice day, ladies.

At this point, the officer returned to his patrol car, shaking his head in disbelief.

Now, I pride myself on being relatively laid back and keeping my cool in most situations, but I do not think that I could have handled this heated exchange without arresting the  . . .

Soccer Mom.  : )

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Marshmallows and Wieners ~ Contest #6 March 29, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
7 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * * 

During the Spring, Summer and Autumn months, a semi-retired artist and writer runs a federally owned campground with her husband.   

The price for a slice of paradise at her pristine and well-run campground? 

An economical $21 a night, complete with wind stirring the pine boughs to gently lull campers to sleep.

In stark contrast to the bargain basement prices at federal campgrounds, I stumbled across an article recently about . . . glamping.  

What is glamping

In addition to being a decidedly unpleasant sounding word, glamping is a contraction for glamorous camping ~ deluxe camping accommodations for the rich and famous who want to get back to nature without leaving creature comforts behind. 

At a resort in Montana’s Big Sky country, which we will call Grubby Paws, elite campers pay $595 per night to rough it by sleeping in cabins with a few extra perks thrown in.  

What kind of perks? 

Well, at the Grubby Paws Resort, the $595 cabin comes with a butler! 

Yup!  You heard me right ~ Grubby Paws Resort provides its glampers with a butler so they don’t have to get their grubby paws dirty.

But, wait . . . there’s more!

If you reserve today, they’ll also throw in a maid!

No, not like Maid Marion (of Robin Hood fame) . . . think Hazel (of TV fame). 

The butler builds the campfire and the maid turns down the heated down comforters on the glamping cots ~ thus allowing glampers to spend more time in the great outdoors roasting marshmallows and wieners and less time struggling pathetically to light a fire.

C’mon, butler, light my fire . . .  

Hmm . . .

Speaking of marshmallows and wieners . . . if the label fits, wear it.

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Shrimp on the Barbie ~ Contest #7 March 29, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
4 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * * 

Surfing channels the other night, BFF and I stumbled upon a fascinating look at our universe, with a rather uninspired title, “Universe.” 

While the title paled in headlines in The Daily Enquirer, the show itself was more than eye-opening, it was down-right eye-popping stuff!  

Picture your favorite cartoon character, with eyes popping out of its skull, and you’ll have a sense of what I mean.

Turns out that there is a Death Star, infinitely bigger, badder, and stronger than the man-made death star Darth Vader inhabited in “Star Wars” ~ a star whose very presence in the Universe is a threat to life here on Earth. 

In a nutshell, the Death Star is set to implode on itself in the not-too-distant future (though, fortunately, not in our life times). 

The implosion, when it happens, will not (in and of itself) create problems for mortals residing here on Planet Earth.  During the implosion, the Death Star will collapse in on itself and create a Black Hole in the Universe, but the beat down here on the Blue Planet will go on, with just slightly less light in our galaxy ~ but still plenty of light left to read and write by.

The danger arises if the implosion also creates a gamma burst, which apparently seems likely to the scientists who study these things. 

If a gamma burst radiates outward, while the Death Star is imploding inward, its deadly rays will head straight for Earth . . .

Oh, my God, Kenny, it’s heading straight for us.” 

Picture a flaming arrow headed straight for the bright red bulls-eye on the practice range target, with the bulls-eye being the Earth, and the flaming arrow being the death rays of the gamma burst. 

The inherent irony in the arrow analogy, amusing to the scientists mentioned previously (who apparently have nothing better to do with their time than laugh about impending disasters) is this:  

The Death Star is located in the constellation “Sagittarius” . . .  the sign of the Archer.

Coincidence, or not? 

Or does the Creator of the Universe have what many would consider to be a rather macabre sense of humor?

No matter. 

If that giant Archer in the sky lets loose the flaming arrow from the Death Star, and it heads straight at Earth (the most likely direction, per same scientists), the rays from the gamma burst will set the ozone layer (or what’s left of the ozone layer at that point in time) on F-I-R-E!

Poof!  The Earth and its atmosphere will go up in smoke!

And those residing here will become nothing more than Shrimp on the Barbie.

G’day, mates!

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Define: “Good Cause” ~ Contest #8 March 28, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
7 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * * 

My husband and I went to an “Annual Biggest-Ever Yard Sale” at a large, upscale gated community one Saturday morning, expecting to see fantastic bargains being tossed off by the wealthy and upwardly-mobile residents who lived in estates with fantastic water views from every window ~ views blocked only by the lines of their sleek water-craft docked just beyond the edges of the terrace, patio, and/or lanai, where they sit and sip champagne each evening while watching the sun set. 

Yes, that level of materialistic consumption disturbs me too , but how can we strive to “keep up with the Joneses” unless there are a few “Joneses” out there to emulate?

In any event, our expectations far exceeded reality. 

Most of the stuff for sale was C-R-A-P, except for one rather delicious doughnut that we purchased from a sidewalk vendor.

As we were leaving, empty-handed (except for the jelly smears from the doughnut), a resident offered to sell us a lottery ticket for $1. 

Before forking over the cash, we asked, “What would we win?”

Gesturing, he said, “This floral arrangement and a $100 bill.”

We glanced at the arrangement without being overly impressed by its design.  Sensing our hesitation, this street hawker jumped in with, “It’s for a good cause.”

Since we regularly donate to all manner of charities, from supporting children in Sri Lanka, to protecting the polar bears from global warming in Alaska, to finding a cure for Breast Cancer, our ears perked up when he said that the proceeds were for a “good cause.”

What good cause?” we asked in unison, expecting to hear that fifty percent of the lottery proceeds would be donated to the local high school, or to the F.I.S.H. Preserve, or to some other local endeavor.

For the second time that morning, our expectations far exceeded reality.

We’ll use the proceeds to buy new patio furniture for the community pool, and to plant palm trees around the complex, thus saving the residents from having to pay increased Homeowner’s Association dues.”

Wow!  That is so NOT my definition of a good cause.

Either he is naïve about the ways of the world, and what truly constitutes “good works,” or he felt (perhaps justifiably) that his audience would naïvely buy into his definition of “good cause” due to his slick style of presentation or the lure of the $100 bill pinned to the top of the floral arrangement.

Since parking was free as long as you bought something, but cost $5 a vehicle if you left empty-handed, we bought a $1 lottery ticket and waved it at the parking attendant as we quickly left the grounds . . . pausing briefly to admire the palm trees purchased and planted with the proceeds of last year’s Annual Biggest-Ever Yard Sale

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Go Brown??? ~ April Fool’s Contest #9 March 28, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
5 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * * 

I stumbled across an inspiring show, Forecast Earth, on the Weather Channel one Sunday night while waiting for the FOX Animation Domination shows to begin at 8 pm.   

Two back-to-back shows touched upon the severe weather changes we face from global warming, specifically an increase in the frequency and intensity of coastal erosion, drought,  tornadoes, wildfires, and heatwaves, and then focused on solutions to these problems, like planting roof top gardens in urban centers to decrease heat build-up.

In the remaining segments, the show featured innovators in the world of Clean Tech (i.e., Green Technology). 

My favorite segment featured . . . Worm Poop!  ~ an organic fertilizer packaged in recycled soda bottles. 

The 25-year-old founder of the business got the idea while growing marijuana in his basement in Canada.  The plants grew lush and tall and potent due to the regular application of worm poop. 

Wanting to capitalize on the idea, he and his smoking buddies tried to borrow venture capital, with no luck ~ they couldn’t find a conservative banker anywhere who wanted to loan money to a bunch of college drop-outs who raised worm poop in the basement while smoking reefer.  

Determined to move forward with their idea, they lowered production costs by packaging the worm poop in recycled 2 litre soda bottles.  

Success! 

The company is thriving and expanding its innovative product lines to include:  kid’s juice boxes turned into shopping bags and pencil cases, and plastic grocery bags turned into colorful handbags.

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Measure Twice, Cut Once March 27, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, People.
6 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * *

If you are about to plan a funeral for yourself or a loved one, make sure you order the right size casket . . .

A few months ago, I heard an interesting, and rather gruesome tale, on a radio news report, about a very tall man who died in South Carolina.

After preparing the body for burial, the funeral home realized that the body was too long for the casket.

Rather than contacting the family to make other arrangements, the funeral parlor just cut off his legs.

Eeewwww . . . .

If you live in South Carolina, you do NOT need to worry about going to this funeral parlor as they have since lost their license to practice Mortuary Science.

I guess the state felt that they should have measured twice, rather than cutting once.

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

The Birth Of Curling March 27, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Fiction, Humor.
6 comments

Curling fascinates me.

It’s the only Olympic sport that gives out-of-shape middle-age men (who  train by playing poker, drinking beer, and smoking cigars) a shot at taking home a  Gold medal . . .  after downing a case of Golden Lager.

Who invented Curling?   The Scots, of course . . .

On a cold winter’s day in 1541, four Scotsmen finished a round of 18 holes at St. Andrews. (F.N. 1)

Par for the course (F.N. 2), these avid golfers visited the 19th Green to hoist a few shots of single malt Scotch before heading home for a heavy, hardy, manly meal of Haggis. (F.N. 3)

Hours later, the foursome stumbled outside the pub and spied a frozen tea kettle sitting in the middle of the icy parking lot.  Despite their inebriated condition, or perhaps because of it, the four Scots took turns swinging at it with their irons.

Eventually, as the sun rose over the highlands, one of the golfers, Ian Anderson MacGregor, exclaimed, “Ach, mon, this wee frozen kettle is curling away on the thin ice of the new day.” (F.N. 4)

Curling is now an Olympic sport. 

Golf is not. (F.N. 5)

Footnotes:

1.  Golf has been played on the links at St. Andrews since 1400 A.D.

2.  Puns intended

3.  Trust me, you do NOT want to know.

4.  Ian Anderson MacGregor’s great, great … great grandson borrowed the exclamation when writing the lyrics (and title) to Jethro Tull’s “Skating Away on the Thin Ice of the New Day.”

5.  Golf (and Rugby) will join the Olympic line-up during the 2016 Summer Games.

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Related posts:  Invent a new Olympic Sport (WP Prompt) * April Fool’s Day Contest

What A Hack! ~ April Fool’s Contest #12 March 26, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Fiction, Humor, Word Play, Writing & Writers.
5 comments

A writing buddy of mine, let’s call him Jack Grisham, is a computer geek by trade and a writer at night. 

He told me this story in complete and utter confidence . . .

Mum’s the word. 

Jack works mindlessly at Best Buy during the day and spends his off hours writing what he knows will be the next Great American Novel at night.

* A novel that will blow J.K.Rowling’s commission checks out of the water.

* A novel that will cause Dickens’s Marley, dead as a doornail these many years, to turn over in his grave.

* A novel that will rival John Barth’s The Sot-Weed Factor in breadth, scope, and popular appeal. 

* A novel that will slide easily into the “number one” slot on Time’s “100 Best American Novels” list the next time it’s published. 

Certain of his ultimate entitlement to this esteemed recognition, on the rare occasion that his muse disappears, Jack idly reviews the last such list, wondering which of the 100 novels previously bestowed with the honor will be nudged (or shoved) off the list to make room for his own.

A firm believer in the power of positive intention, Jack affirms into his mirror every morning, “I am Jack Grisham, a great American novelist who plucks plausible plots from thin air the way Little Jack Horner used his grubby little thumb to pluck plums from his Christmas pie.” 

For good measure, time permitting, Jack adds Horner’s signature phrase (with a wink and a blink and a nonchalant nod), “Oh, what a good boy, am I!”  

Thus buoyed, he heads off to the work-a-day world, all the while twirling themes, and schemes, and dreams round his head.  

Of course, other inhabitants of the planet do not find his plots nearly as plausible as he, as evidenced by the ponderous pile of rejection slips which litter the top of his writing credenza, constantly threatening to cascade to the carpet under his feet.

Undeterred by the obvious elitism demonstrated by editors and agents who have thus far failed to recognize the brilliance behind his words, Jack stoically  moves forward, word by word, sentence by sentence, and page by page, toward that brass ring of publication and literary acclaim which he knows will one day be his to grasp, claim, and hold for eternity. 

Last year, on a warm August afternoon, Jack arrived home from work, absent-mindedly grabbed the mail from its box, and headed into his study.

Glancing through the stack of envelopes, he recognized the familiar logo of the Great White Publishing Company ~ a publishing house which had recently received a copy of his latest and greatest effort. 

Smiling to himself, he slit open the envelope with characteristic optimistic flourish and fervor, only to have his hopes dashed by its contents.  

Stamped across Jack’s carefully worded query letter, in enormous blood-red letters, a single word, REJECTED, taunted him with its finality.   

For a moment, he recoiled in disbelief from the stark missive, as harsh as that infamous Chance card, Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.  

Quickly recovering his optimistic bent, he returned his attention to the envelope, convinced that the editor-in-question’s words of encouragement would be found therein.  

Grabbing the envelope from the edge of his desk, he found it empty, of course, and tossed it on top of the towering pile of rejection slips, causing them to lose their tenuous grip with the surface of the credenza.

Positively petulant at this punishing blow to his previously patient psyche, Jack decided to put his computer skills, and love of words, to the test.

On his way out, he gave a sly glance at his reflection in the hall mirror before intoning, in an uncharacteristic monotone, “Oh . . . what . . . a . . . good . . . boy . . . am . . . I.” 

Moments later, Jack logged on to one of the computers at the local library, where his anonymity as an author would allow him to hack into the Great White Publishing Company’s computers ~ unnoticed, undetected, and undisturbed.

Once in, he maneuvered his way through its computer corridors with stealth and cunning.

He visited the profiles of several editors, changing passwords as he went ~ ensuring that their entry on the morrow would be as challenging a passage as he had experienced thus far on his journey to become a famous novelist.

He made a pit stop behind the scenes of the Great White Web Site, switching links, so that literati looking for literary links would instead be led to lurid pornographic scenes.

Before logging out, he made a quick visit to the Great White Accounting Department, where he hastily unbalanced the books, all the while wearing the Grinchiest of grins on his face and mumbling under his breath, “They’re finding out now that no Christmas is coming.”      

Finally, he logged off, heaved a sigh of relief, and headed home, happily humming to himself.  

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.

Say Waht? ~ April Fool’s Contest #14 March 25, 2010

Posted by nrhatch in Humor.
6 comments

The April Fool’s Day Contest continues!   Post your best guess below.

* * * * *

PC-CatI’ve been boning up on queries, agents, and submission guidelines lately and laughed out loud when I read the following on-line blurb recently:

Submission Rules:

Proof  read your manuscript thoroughly.  – Good advice, but isn’t proofread one word?

Send us your final edited work.  Manuscripts with a lot of fragmented sentences and spelling errors will be sent back to the author for correction. – Fair enough.

Be sure to edit your more than one time and use spell check. – Edit my what?

We do not accept simultaneous submissions! If you have submitted your manuscript elsewhere and have not received a rejection yet, do not send it to us until you have heard back from the other comany. – Shouldn’t that be company?

We try to respond within 1 week of submission, but it depends on how many we receive.  – How many what?

Now, I know as well as anyone that typos immediately appear the minute we post something, but . . . wow! 

How can this many errors appear in a one paragraph blurb from the editor of a publishing company who is admonishing writers to carefully proofread their own work before submitting it for publication? 

* * * * *

OK, guys . . .

Fact or Fiction . . . the absolute Truth or a Tall Tale for April Fool’s Day?

Post your best guess in the Comment Box below and stay tuned for the next installment in our April Fool’s Day Contest.