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1 + 1 = 1 July 15, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Amazing Animals, Animal Welfare, Food & Drink, Nature.
Tags: , , , ,
48 comments

When one hawk . . .

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Invites one snake . . .

To breakfast.

As breakfast.

Tree-Frog-PerchedWe note that, math be damned, 1 + 1 =1 :

1 + 1 = 1 less snake

1 + 1 = 1 happy hawk

The other morning, we looked out on the back deck and noticed a hawk having breakfast.

Grasped in its talons was a poor wee snake.

When the busboy cleared the table, the sole trace of the snake was its spinal cord . . . draped over the deck piling like a discarded napkin.

Aah . . . that’s the way of the world.

Related posts:  It’s a Snake Eat Frog World * Heron Does Not Live By Fish Alone

The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks July 14, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , , ,
25 comments

Years ago while collaborating to write 101 Things Every Man Should Know How to Do, I sketched out “The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks.”

Since it didn’t make the cut (i.e., it landed on the cutting room floor), it’s been sitting around in draft form ever since.

I picked it out of the draft folder the other day, brushed it off, and knew with certainty that I would never, ever, not in a million years, want to revise the Ugly Guy’s Guide into anything more than it is.

But it seems selfish to keep it under lock and key when there are guys out there wanting to emulate Billy Bob and Lyle by landing a hot chick.

Here are the top 7 Tips for Dating Hot Chicks:

(1) Be very, very rich.  Or famous.  Or both.  Having buckets of cash at your disposal is often enough, standing alone, to land a hot chick.

(2) Self-confidence is attractive.  Before you head out the door each day, remind yourself that “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggoneit people like you.”

(3)  Don’t lose hope.  You are not alone.  There are lots of ugly guys out there who date and even marry hot chicks like Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts.  You can be one of them.  All you need is hope, perseverance, this guide, and gobs of cash (see tip #1).

(4) Don’t read advice like this in front of girls you want to impress.  If a hot chick sees you reading this, toss it aside and say in disgust,  “What the hell!  I don’t need to read this shit!”

(5) Frequent dark bars.  Bring wads of cash.  Buy drinks for hot chicks until their eyes cannot focus, then make your best moves.

Grumpy gus(6) If you strike out in bars, switch gears.  Go to an AA meeting.  Introduce yourself and explain that you drink because you are ugly.  Wait for the supportive “You’re not ugly” from anyone.  Augment your “Yes, I am” with a deep sigh.  As women join the chorus of “you are not ugly,” pick the best looking one and ask her for coffee after the meeting.

Still nothing?

(7) Don’t be shallow.  Beauty is only skin deep and fades with age.  Focus on inner qualities.  Remember you can always drink your ugly date pretty.

Aah . . . that’s better!

People Watching: Food Courts July 13, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , , , ,
26 comments

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes; he is 82. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

As we ate, he honed in on a teenager sitting at the table next to us. The teenager had spiked hair in a wide variety of colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him, without saying anything.

Annoyed, the teenager sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food.

Dear old dad returned the volley with ease, “Got drunk and had sex with a peacock once . . . I was just wondering if you were my kid.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from an unknown author.

Don’t Mess With Old People July 12, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
37 comments

Two businessmen in a new shopping mall were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be shop . . .

As yet, the shop wasn’t ready, with only a few shelves set up.

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Gregory said, “Any minute now some pensioner is going to walk by, put their face to the window, and ask what we’re selling.”

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when, sure enough, a curious old woman walked to the window, had a peek, and in a soft voice asked:

“What are you selling here?”

In a voice dripping with sarcasm, Alfred replied, “We’re selling ass-holes.”

Without skipping a beat, the old dear nodded, “Must be doing well.  Only two left.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

 Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

This Is Brilliant! July 11, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Music & Dance.
Tags: , , ,
32 comments

I clicked on this without expecting much in the way of entertainment value:

Surprise!

Aah . . . that’s better!

What did you think about the sound of that Carrot Clarinet?

10 Things I Know About You July 10, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Blogs & Blogging, Fun & Games, Humor, People.
Tags: , , , ,
39 comments

Huey,-Dewey-And-LouieBlogging is a great way to get to know people from all around the globe.

From comment threads and posts, we learn about differences in food, culture, climate, and opinion.

But we also see similarities.

Here are 10 Things I Know About You:

1) You are reading this.

Grumpy gus2)  You are human.  Or a cyborg.  My bet is on human.

3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth!  

That’s rude!

4) You can’t count all the hairs on your body.

5) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

6) You can’t say the letter ”P” without moving your lips.

7) You just attempted to do it.

Donald-Duck-Laughing9) You are laughing at yourself.

10) You skipped No. 8.

11) You just checked to see if there is a No. 8.

So . . . how’d I do?

Did I get any wrong?

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny 1947)

Shifting Priorities July 9, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , , ,
24 comments

Tree-Frog-PerchedAn old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.  He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog.

“I’m a beautiful and voluptuous princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog.  If you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and will provide you with all the joys and delights of my ardent lust.”

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog asked, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

“Nope,” replied the old man. “ At my age, it’s more fun to have a talking frog in my pocket than a sex maniac in my bed.”

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Related post:  A Talking Frog & Other Engineering Jokes

Turning Boulders Into Pebbles July 8, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Balance, Life Lessons, Mindfulness.
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42 comments

170px-Alice_par_John_Tenniel_02Life is full of challenges and obstacles.

Some are boulders; others are mere pebbles on the path.  And some boulders transform into pebbles if we change the way we view them:

* Do what you can with what you have where you are.

Perhaps you don’t have time to sort through ALL your books tonight to select extraneous tomes to donate to the Library for its Annual Book Sale . . . tomorrow.

Fair enough.

But maybe you can nibble away at your collection by selecting ONE book a day to donate to next year’s sale.

One book a day may not sound like much, but it equates to 30 books a month and 360 books a year.

I can hear your overflowing book shelves breathing lighter already.

200px-March-hare* Hardship is inevitable, misery is optional.

Perhaps you can no longer eat everything you used to eat.  Maybe you’re on a salt-restricted or gluten-free diet eyeing a slice of pizza.

Instead of focusing on what you can’t eat (which will add to your suffering), focus on the delicious tastes and textures of the food you can eat.

Like chocolate!

And if that doesn’t work . . . seize the day and eat the pizza!

Life is short.  You could get hit by a bus next week.

Or drowned in a tea pot.

220px-Alice_par_John_Tenniel_27

Make the most of this moment.

Aah . . . that’s better!

How often do you transform boulders into pebbles by viewing obstacles as opportunities?

Related post:  Pizza Shopping (Coffee Kat’s Blog ~ Kate)

Can You Pass This Quick Quiz? July 7, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Life Lessons, Mindfulness.
Tags: , , ,
37 comments

Frog-CircusSomething to keep those “aging” grey cells active!

The Questions:

1. Johnny ‘s mother had three children. The first child was named April. The second child was named May.

What was the third child ‘s name?

2. The clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall and wears size 13 sneakers.  What does he weigh?

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Xmas-Cat6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.

How is this possible?

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg.  Why not?

8. If you are running a race and pass the person in 2nd place, what place are you in now?

9. Which is correct to say: “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

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10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Tree-Frog-PerchedaThe Answers ~ score 10 points for each correct answer:

1. Johnny’s mother had three children. The first child was named April The second child was named May. What was the third child ‘s name?

Answer: Johnny

2. The clerk at the butcher shop is five feet ten inches tall, and wears size 13 sneakers. What does he weigh?

Answer: Meat

3. Before Mt. Everest was discovered, what was the highest mountain in the world?

Answer: Mt. Everest

4. How much dirt is there in a hole that measures two feet by three feet by four feet?

Answer: None

5. What word in the English Language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer: Incorrectly

Huey,-Dewey-And-Louie

6. Billy was born on December 28th, yet his birthday is always in the summer.

How is this possible?

Answer: Billy lives in the Southern Hemisphere

(LOTS of my blogging buddies got this one right!)

7. In California, you cannot take a picture of a man with a wooden leg. Why not?

Answer: You can’t take pictures with a wooden leg. You need a camera or smart phone to take pictures.

Jogging8.  If you are running a race, and you pass the person in 2nd place, what place are you in now?

Answer: Second place.

9. Which is correct to say: “The yolk of the egg are white” or “The yolk of the egg is white”?

Answer: Neither.  The yolk of the egg is yellow.

10. If a farmer has 5 haystacks in one field and 4 haystacks in the other field, how many haystacks would he have if he combined them all in another field?

Answer: One big haystack.

Aah . . . that’s better!

How did you do?  Are your gray cells still in the prime of life?

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny 1947)

 

Cannonball! July 6, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Happiness, Humor, Nature, Poetry, Travel & Leisure.
Tags: , , , , ,
21 comments

Brittle air asphixiates

A smothering blanket of humidity
Strangles every breath

Melting feet to pavement

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Stifling muggy heat
Chokes all thought

Escape plans evaporate

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Crisp gingerbread cookies
Reduced to a leathery crust

In a hot summer oven

*

**

* * *

* S~P~L~A~S~H! *

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Aah . . . that’s better!

How do you like to Beat the Heat in the sultry days of summer?

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