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The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks July 14, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, People.
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25 comments

Years ago while collaborating to write 101 Things Every Man Should Know How to Do, I sketched out “The Ugly Guy’s Guide to Dating Hot Chicks.”

Since it didn’t make the cut (i.e., it landed on the cutting room floor), it’s been sitting around in draft form ever since.

I picked it out of the draft folder the other day, brushed it off, and knew with certainty that I would never, ever, not in a million years, want to revise the Ugly Guy’s Guide into anything more than it is.

But it seems selfish to keep it under lock and key when there are guys out there wanting to emulate Billy Bob and Lyle by landing a hot chick.

Here are the top 7 Tips for Dating Hot Chicks:

(1) Be very, very rich.  Or famous.  Or both.  Having buckets of cash at your disposal is often enough, standing alone, to land a hot chick.

(2) Self-confidence is attractive.  Before you head out the door each day, remind yourself that “you’re good enough, you’re smart enough, and doggoneit people like you.”

(3)  Don’t lose hope.  You are not alone.  There are lots of ugly guys out there who date and even marry hot chicks like Angelina Jolie and Julia Roberts.  You can be one of them.  All you need is hope, perseverance, this guide, and gobs of cash (see tip #1).

(4) Don’t read advice like this in front of girls you want to impress.  If a hot chick sees you reading this, toss it aside and say in disgust,  “What the hell!  I don’t need to read this shit!”

(5) Frequent dark bars.  Bring wads of cash.  Buy drinks for hot chicks until their eyes cannot focus, then make your best moves.

Grumpy gus(6) If you strike out in bars, switch gears.  Go to an AA meeting.  Introduce yourself and explain that you drink because you are ugly.  Wait for the supportive “You’re not ugly” from anyone.  Augment your “Yes, I am” with a deep sigh.  As women join the chorus of “you are not ugly,” pick the best looking one and ask her for coffee after the meeting.

Still nothing?

(7) Don’t be shallow.  Beauty is only skin deep and fades with age.  Focus on inner qualities.  Remember you can always drink your ugly date pretty.

Aah . . . that’s better!

People Watching: Food Courts July 13, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Joke, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , , , ,
26 comments

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes; he is 82. We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

As we ate, he honed in on a teenager sitting at the table next to us. The teenager had spiked hair in a wide variety of colors: green, red, orange, and blue.

My dad kept staring at him, without saying anything.

Annoyed, the teenager sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food.

Dear old dad returned the volley with ease, “Got drunk and had sex with a peacock once . . . I was just wondering if you were my kid.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from an unknown author.

10 Things I Know About You July 10, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Blogs & Blogging, Fun & Games, Humor, People.
Tags: , , , ,
39 comments

Huey,-Dewey-And-LouieBlogging is a great way to get to know people from all around the globe.

From comment threads and posts, we learn about differences in food, culture, climate, and opinion.

But we also see similarities.

Here are 10 Things I Know About You:

1) You are reading this.

Grumpy gus2)  You are human.  Or a cyborg.  My bet is on human.

3) You can’t breathe through your nose when your tongue is out.

Put your tongue back in your mouth!  

That’s rude!

4) You can’t count all the hairs on your body.

5) You can’t wash your eyes with soap.

6) You can’t say the letter ”P” without moving your lips.

7) You just attempted to do it.

Donald-Duck-Laughing9) You are laughing at yourself.

10) You skipped No. 8.

11) You just checked to see if there is a No. 8.

So . . . how’d I do?

Did I get any wrong?

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny 1947)

Shifting Priorities July 9, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
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24 comments

Tree-Frog-PerchedAn old man was walking in the forest when he heard by his feet a very weak voice.  He bent down to look and saw that the voice came from a little frog.

“I’m a beautiful and voluptuous princess, skilled in all the carnal pleasures of love. An evil queen, envious of my charms, turned me into a frog.  If you kiss me I will once again be a fair maiden, and will provide you with all the joys and delights of my ardent lust.”

The old man picked up the little frog and put her into his pocket.

Bewildered, the frog asked, “Aren’t you going to kiss me?”

“Nope,” replied the old man. “ At my age, it’s more fun to have a talking frog in my pocket than a sex maniac in my bed.”

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Related post:  A Talking Frog & Other Engineering Jokes

Privacy Is Dead July 2, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Life Lessons, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , ,
58 comments

2014-05-05 11-54-51_0043Privacy is Dead.

Government agencies monitor and record communications relayed via Skype, cell phone, e-mail, and text.

Facebook minions eavesdrop on our “private” messages.

Hackers hack into our cyber accounts.

What can we do?  Stop texting?  Stop calling?  Abandon the world wide web?

In these digital days, our secrets are not safe in cyber space.

Once shared, they’re out there.

If you need to have a heart-to-heart with someone, you might want to do it the old-fashioned way.

Face-to-face.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related post:  Writing Fiction meets NSA Surveillance (Eric J. Baker)

Do you monitor your words in cyber space?  Do you wonder who’s listening?

“Whenever you do a thing, act as if all the world were watching.” ~ Thomas Jefferson (1743 – 1826)

Homeward Bound June 23, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Lessons, People, Special Events.
Tags: , , , ,
27 comments

Continued from . . . Things Don’t Go According To Hoyle

Despite the fire at the headquarters building, which burned up discharge dates and orders, dad received word that he was heading home.

On October 12th, he wrote:

“Day before yesterday we received official word that we would report to the depot on the 13th.  There was some hustle and some bustle as we scurried about the office in an attempt to close all cases as soon as possible.  With such a goal as we had, it was not difficult.  By evening we were free of all investigative work.

That evening, Swinnerton and I sat around and discussed with pride some of our most interesting cases and the reports on which we were complimented.  We then realized that our year here had not been wasted.  We had gained a great deal of knowledge and had had a great experience.  The boat leaves Korea on 20 Oct. and is supposed to hit Frisco on 8 Nov.  Hope to see you about a month after you receive this letter.”

Wikipedia ~ Victory Ships (in Public Domain)

On October 14th:

“I expect to be here at the depot the rest of the week.  This is really a vacation except that there is not much to do for recreation.”

“Since I have been here at the depot, I have met about 15 persons that were in my company during basic.  Most of them are PFC or Corporal ~ they are a little envious of my stripes.  It is hard to believe that I am actually on the way home.  Looking back, it doesn’t seem such a long time since I enlisted.”

U.S. Army Technical Sergeant Rank Insignia, in use 1942-1955 (in Public Domain)

What a difference a few stripes make!

On October 17th, to Marjorie:

“When I came to the depot I had to put on my tech sgt. stripes.  They really do wonders.”

“When the men fall out for details, all top three grades are excused to do whatever they want.”

“Out of the 1300 men leaving on the General Patrick, there are only about 10 first sgts., 10 tech sgts., and 15 staff sgts.”

“If we don’t get put in charge of details on the ship, we can loaf all the way.”

“I’m hoping to be one of the fellows to just loaf.”

On October 19th, to Marjorie:

“We have wonderful washrooms here in the depot.  That is ~ if you like to wash and shave in ice water without a mirror and don’t mind not having any place to hang a towel or lay your toilet articles, and if you don’t mind standing in about two inches of water on the floor.”

“Tomorrow morning we get up at 3 o’clock and get ready to get on the train that takes us some 40 miles to the boat.  By this time tomorrow I will probably be getting on the boat.  Thank goodness my time in this country has nearly come to an end.”

“Yesterday, we were given numbers for the order in which we board the ship tomorrow.  Out of 1300+ men, I got number 4.  That means that I will be about the first to board the boat.”

“With the large camera and several books and boxes that I am carrying, my duffel bag is so full I have to wear an extra jacket or two all the time in order to get it closed.  What a lot of fun I’m going to have carrying it half a mile to the train.”

Dad left Korea in 1947, three years before the start of the Korean War in 1950.

_0001d

Aah . . . that’s better!

After leaving Korea, dad obtained an electrical engineering degree from Northeastern University in Boston, accepted a job with Bell Labs in New Jersey, met mom, got married, had four kids, got his master’s degree, assisted with the launch of Telestar, traveled for work and pleasure, and enjoyed many hobbies (photography, woodworking, sailing, canoeing, hiking, gardening, camping, ham radio, reading).

camping1a

Dad died two years ago today after celebrating Father’s Day with his 4 kids.

IMGP2681c

And his 9 grandkids (not all pictured).

New+Jersy+Reunion+-+June+2012+(31)b

I’ve enjoyed sharing dad’s words (before he became a dad) with you.

Have You Lost Your Mind? June 22, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, People.
Tags: , , , ,
23 comments

“They tell me that you’ll lose your mind when you grow older.

200px-RealMotherGoose

“What they don’t say is that you won’t miss it very much.”

~ Malcolm Cowley (1898-1989)

Aah . . . that’s better!

Her June 18, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Books & Movies, Fiction, Life Balance, Mindfulness, People.
Tags: , , , ,
24 comments

In the Spike Jonze movie, Her, Joaquin Phoenix and Scarlett Johansson are perfect for each other . . . if you’re willing to overlook the fact that Samantha is the Operating System of Theodore Twombly’s computer.

The new wave of artificial intelligence packaged with a sexy voice.

Her, a quirky, amusing, and thought-provoking film, reminds me of issues raised in Robot & Frank, when Frank Langella, a retired cat burglar who’s tired of retirement, befriends a robot and creates a shared history.

In these days of cyber friendships, when gadgets and apps connect us via screens around the globe, the criteria we use to evaluate relationships is changing.

Someday, perhaps, dating an Operating System will be commonplace.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Have you seen the film?  What’d you think?

Related post:  The Odd Life of Timothy Green

 

 

Things Don’t Go According To Hoyle June 16, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Humor, Life Lessons, People, Special Events.
Tags: , , ,
31 comments

Continued from . . . RATS!

A year in the Army was enough for dad; he chose not to re-enlist and his letters began to focus on his longing to be home.

On June 19th, he wrote:

“In another week I will have been in the army a year.  I think they expect me to re-enlist.  How mistaken they are.  I guess I might be sorry that I came in  the army if I had ended up in the Infantry.  As it is, I certainly want to get home, but I will have some good experience behind me, the G.I. Bill of Rights, had a chance to travel, etc.”

Wikipedia ~ Whist (in Public Domain)

“It is unofficial and I don’t want you to count on it, but there is a possibility of getting out a little early.  A law has been enacted which allows 18 month enlistees to be discharged up to 60 days prior to time of normal discharge.  If full advantage were taken of this I could be on my way home in two months.”

“Rumors have it that a greater number of ships than usual are coming to Korea during the next two months.  My guess is that I will be home a little early.”

“Don’t let anyone overestimate this information and be disappointed if things don’t go according to Hoyle.”

On July 6th, to Margaret:

“I am still reading some books but I am getting tired of that too.  I am going to be glad to get home.”

After a quick trip to China, he wrote to Marjorie on August 30th:

“I don’t know whether you have received it but while I was in China I picked up a small item and mailed it to you.  I believe that I owe you a graduation present so you can consider the Chinese souvenir as such.”

“Just when do you start college?  When you get started you had better write and tell me what subjects you are taking.  That is if I don’t leave for home first.  It looks as though I will leave here for the states in about a month.”

On September 7th, he wrote his father:

“Right now I have charge of a case which involves some influential members of the South Korea Labor Party (old Communist Party which changed its name) in an attempted mass murder of Rightests.”

“I have been handling the case for several weeks and in a few days I expect to turn in a 30-35 page report.”

Overall, he felt that his time in the service was time well spent.  In a letter dated September 22nd to his father:

“In one week, I will have served fifteen months in the Army.  Naturally, it has seemed a long time and I have been waiting anxiously for the day when I could again throw my G.I. clothing into my duffel bag, throw the bag over my shoulder, and travel (in the opposite direction) the same route I traveled nearly one year ago.”

“However, I cannot help but feel that my decision to enlist in the army was the correct one for me to make.  During the past year I have been able to gain knowledge and background practically impossible for me to obtain in a similar period had I chosen to remain in college.  Instead of interrupting my education, this time spent in the army has increased my evaluation [of the value of higher education] and has tremendously increased my zest to return to college.  It has also relieved me of the financial burden of a college education and has assured me that once I again start to college I will not have to worry that a monetary shortage could cause me to discard my plan to obtain at least one degree.”

On October 6th:

“Well I am still here in Korea, however Butler has left and Swinnerton and I expect to be on orders at any time.  The boat we expect to leave on arrives at Inchon on the 17th.”

On October 7th:

“The headquarters building of the Replacement Depot here burned down a week ago.  It was in this building that orders were cut for men going home.  Naturally, many orders were burned along with many records of discharge dates, etc.  We wondered for a few days whether this would delay our return.  As far as we can determine, we will leave at the same time we would have left anyway.”

Concludes next Monday . . . Homeward Bound!

* * *

Today is our 30th Wedding Anniversary!  If things go according to Hoyle, we’ll be out and about celebrating for some/most/all of the day.

Secretsb

Please leave a message at the . . . *BEEP*

IMGP3673b

Remember . . . Wine improves with age.  Age improves with wine.  Life improves with laughter.

Related posts:  Sailing The Maine Coast * Revel in Uncertainty * Brave New Adventures * Never Confuse an RV With an ATV

The Extrapolation Temptation June 13, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Life Lessons, Mindfulness, People, Writing & Writers.
Tags: , , , ,
50 comments

150px-Carlo_Crivelli_052Many people convince themselves that they are putting their time on the planet to good use by postulating that everyone should do as they do:

* People who read novels may feel that everyone should read novels.

* People who enjoy travel may claim that people who don’t travel are missing out on an essential element of life.

* People who have kids may feel that everyone should have kids.

* People who are married may be convinced that everyone should get married.  (Or, perhaps, that no one should.)

It’s understandable that people want to persuade themselves that they’ve made the “right” choices in life.

That’s to be expected.

But if we give in to the temptation of extrapolating from “right for us” to “right for everyone else,” we are apt to lose our footing.

Or cause others to lose theirs.

As a case in point, I don’t regret destroying dozens of journals and diaries I kept as a child, teen, and young adult.  I found the experience of shredding page after page of compulsive thinking liberating ~> letting go of the past to make room for the present.

In the almost 20 years since I relegated them to the recycling bin, I haven’t missed them once.

Shredding those pages was the right decision for me.

But I wouldn’t extrapolate from my experience to encourage others to do the same.  Because I have no idea what’s in their journals.

Maybe their journals include eloquent and elegant memories that are worth saving, whereas mine contained a litany of complaints written when I was unhappy with the state of my world.  I didn’t record wonderful moments filled with joy and delight, because I was too busy having fun at those times.

Mickey-OKOnce I realized that slogging through the pages of my past (as recorded in my now defunct journals) would be a dismal exercise in futility, removed from the uplifting journey that represents the totality of my life, I let them go and breathed a great sigh of relief!

Aah . . . that’s better!

When you know WHO you are, you know HOW to live.

Related posts:  Philip Hensher (Carol Balawyder) * I Destroyed My Best Friend (Life Penned) * 3 Things I Learned This Week * Room To Express Oneself (BB’s Blog) * Where The Flow Leads (SuziCate)

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