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Redneck Engineering Challenge April 19, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
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29 comments

We is sick ta death hearing ’bout dumb Southerners.  We challenge all ya’ll so-called smart Yankees to take this exam:

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10 pound possum.

Donald-Duck-Driving2. Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard?

(A) ’65 Ford Fairlane
(B) ’69 Chevrolet Chevelle
(C) ’66 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still which operates at a capacity of 20 gallons of shine produced per hour, how many car radiators are required to condense the product?

4. A woodcutter has a chainsaw which operates at 2700 RPM. The density of the pine trees in the plot to be harvested is 470 per acre. The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches. How many Budweisers will be drunk before the trees are cut down?

Pluto-Rollerskating5. A front porch is constructed of 2 x 8 pine on 24-inch centers with a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16 feet.

The porch floor is 1-inch rough sawn pine.

When the porch collapses, how many dogs will be displaced?

6. A man owns a Georgia house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has five children. Can each of his grown children place a mobile home on the man’s land and still have enough property for their electric appliances to sit out front?

7. A 2-ton truck is overloaded and proceeding 900 yards down a steep slope on a secondary road at 45 MPH. The brakes fail. Given average traffic conditions on secondary roads, what is the probability that it will strike a vehicle with a muffler?

8. With a gene pool reduction of 7.5% per generation, how long will it take a town which has been bypassed by the Interstate to breed a country-western singer?

I betcha thought this test was gonna be an easy one, didn’t ya?

It’s okay if’n y’all didn’t do all that well.  Just goes to show ya there’s a whole heap of things that big city book-learning don’t prepare ya for in this life.

Homer-MexicanJust fer taking the Redneck Challenge, here’s some friendly southerly advice that may come in handy down the road a piece . . .

Next time you is too drunk to drive, walk to the nearest pizza shop and place an order.  When they’s ready to deliver it, catch a ride home with them.

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

* * *

Speaking of Southerners . . . if you’re in Charleston, SC today, swing by Andra’s booksigning for a cinnamon cupcake and a heaping helpin’ of Roy!

Flight 293 April 12, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Travel & Leisure.
Tags: , , , ,
35 comments

AirplaneShortly after a British Airways flight had reached its cruising altitude, the captain announced:

Ladies and Gentlemen, this is your captain. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from London Heathrow to New York.  The weather ahead looks good, so we should have a smooth uneventful flight.

So sit back, relax, and . . . OH . . .  MY GOD!

Silence followed.

Some moments later, the captain came back on the intercom:

Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m sorry if I scared you. While I was talking, a flight attendant dropped a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants.

From the back of the plane, an Irish passenger yelled, “For the luvva Jaysus . . . you should see the back of mine!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Cocktails and Crew April 9, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Fun & Games, Nature, Travel & Leisure.
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35 comments

Last week, we attended a cocktail party hosted by the Conservation Foundation of the Gulf Coast at the Bay Preserve on Little Sarasota Bay in Osprey.

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The Conservation Foundation’s mission ~> “protecting the bays, beaches, barrier islands and watersheds of Florida’s Gulf Coast.”

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Before the drinks started flowing, we watched local middle schoolers wading into the waters for crew practice.

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Ready . . .  Set . . . Heave Ho!

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Over it goes.

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And they’re off.

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While the kids rowed, rowed, rowed their boats . . .

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Instructors scooted around in motor boats, barking orders.

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We wandered out on the dock and found a school of friendly fish.

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Bellying up to an all-you-can-eat buffet.

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The sun made its descent before the crew teams called it a day.

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The guest of honor, Rand Wentworth, President of the Land Trust Alliance, regaled us with tales of early conservationists, including Thomas Jefferson and Teddy Roosevelt.

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At last, time for some Jack Daniels and Ginger Ale.

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 Aah . . . that’s better!

Redneck Lent April 5, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
47 comments

Wikipedia ~ Holy Orders (in Public Domain)

Every Friday night, Bubba fired up his grill and cooked a venison steak.

But, all of Bubba’s neighbors were Catholic.  And, since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Friday.  The aroma from the grilled venison was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they talked to their priest.

The Priest came to visit Bubba, and suggested that he become a Catholic.

After several classes and much study, Bubba attended Mass.  The Priest sprinkled holy water over Bubba, “You were born a Baptist, and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic.”

Bubba’s neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The Priest was called.  He rushed over clutching a rosary, prepared to scold Bubba.  Instead, he stopped and watched in amazement.

There stood Bubba, clutching a small bottle of holy water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat as he chanted:

“You wuz born a deer, you wuz raised a deer, but now you is a catfish.”

Wikipedia ~ Catfish (in Public Domain)

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

An Irish Ghost Story April 1, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , , ,
33 comments

John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road
hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him.  It stopped next to him.

Wikipedia ~ Hitchhiking (in Public Domain)

Desperate for shelter and without thinking, John got into the car and closed the door . . . only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn’t on.  The car started moving slowly.

John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching.  Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.  Just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window.

Wikipedia ~ Ghost (in Public Domain)

Paralyzed with terror, John watched as the hand turned the wheel.

When John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, he jumped out of the car and ran to it.

Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he wasn’t drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night.  Like John, they were also soaked and out of breath.

Seeing John at the bar, one said to the other, “Look Paddy, there’s that fooking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it.”

Happy April Fool’s Day!

E-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Angling for a Complement March 29, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Home & Garden, Word Play.
Tags: , , , ,
13 comments

The last time we walked down Pine Avenue, I noticed Kermit fishing.

“Hey Kermit!  What cha doing?”

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“Oh, hi there.  I’m angling for a complement.”

“A compliment?  What kind of compliment?”

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“Not compliment.  Complement.  I’m hanging around, dangling this line, and angling for my soul mate . . .  the divine Miss Piggy.”

“What a compliment for Miss Piggy!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Hottie . . . or a Nottie? March 25, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Exercise & Fitness, Fun & Games, Humor, People.
Tags: , , , ,
30 comments

Goofy-Riding-A-BikeOn the way to Bradenton’s Farmer’s Market last weekend, we saw a man riding a bike, wearing tight biker shorts but no top.

His shirtless state revealed a big belly bulge as his badge of honor.

“Look, BFF!  That guy is following his gut instincts!”

“That’s not a 6-pack . . . it’s a keg!”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Pizza . . . Pick Up or Delivery? March 18, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor.
Tags: , , , , ,
29 comments

Much of life is spent waiting in lines and sterile waiting rooms.

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To save waiting time, people often call ahead for pick up or delivery.  Some drive through the drive-through.

Not us.

We wait until we get to Oma’s Pizza to order a pie for take out.  Then we cross Gulf Drive and enjoy the view while “waiting” for our pizza to bake.

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Best

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Waiting

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Room

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Ever!

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Aah . . . that’s better!

One Stone March 15, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , ,
28 comments

One Stone, a Native American born with only one testicle, hated his given name.

For obvious reasons.

He asked everyone to stop calling him “One Stone.”

Few obliged his request.

For equally obvious reasons.

After years of torment, One Stone had had enough.

He shouted, “If anyone calls me One Stone again, I will kill them!”

Word got around and nobody called him One Stone any more.

One day, a young woman named Blue Bird forgot.

When Blue Bird said, “Good morning, One Stone,” he grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he made love to her all day and all night until Blue Bird died from exhaustion.

Word got around that One Stone meant what he said and said what he meant.

Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name.

In time, a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away for several years.  Yellow Bird was overjoyed when she saw One Stone.

She hugged him and said, “Good to see you, One Stone.”

One Stone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, and made love to her all day, all night, the next day, and the next night, but Yellow Bird didn’t die.

Why not?
Come on . . . take a guess.

Think about it.

The reason is so obvious.

Everyone knows . . . you can’t kill Two Birds with One Stone!!!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Illustrations: Wikipedia ~ Navaho people (in Public Domain)

A Retiree’s Last Trip to Kroger March 11, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , ,
30 comments

Pluto-HappyYesterday I went to the local Kroger’s to buy a large bag of Purina Dog Chow for my loyal pet, Jake the Wonder Dog.

The woman behind me in the check-out line asked if I had a dog.

What did she think . . . I had an elephant?

On impulse, I said, “No, no dog.  I’m starting the Purina Diet again.  Last time, I lost 50 pounds before waking in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.”

She stared at me, mouth open, so I continued, “It’s an easy diet.  Load your pockets with Purina Nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The nuggets taste great and provide balanced nutrition so I’m going to try it again.”

At this point, everyone in line was enthralled with my story.

Pluto-Rollerskating“How did you end up in intensive care?  Did the dog food poison you?”

“Oh, no, nothing like that.  I stopped to pee on a fire hydrant and a car hit me.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Watch what you ask retired people . . . they’ve learned the art of passing time while waiting in line.

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