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You Don’t Know Jack Schitt August 28, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Word Play.
Tags: , , ,
21 comments

220px-Arthur-Pyle_The_Enchanter_MerlinAs a follow-up to yesterday’s post . . .

Most of us are at a loss when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt!’

Now, you can set them straight:

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc.

They had one son, Jack.

Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt.

The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced.

Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.  She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Chicken-Little-Poster

Against her parents’ objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt.

Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and later married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.  The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world.  He returned from his travels with an Italian bride, Pisa Schitt, and three children: Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Holie Schitt, the most devout of the six Schitts, entered the priesthood.

Now when someone says, ‘You don’t know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them.

This Geneology Record prepared by:  Crock O. Schitt

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source: e-mail from an unknown author.

An Exception To Every Rule August 26, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Word Play.
Tags: , , ,
29 comments

Nothing ventured, nothing gained . . . but look before you leap.

Donald-Duck-Diving

The early bird gets the worm . . . but the early worm gets eaten.

Poisoned Apple

Good things come to those who wait . . . but he who hesitates is lost.

Donald-Ducka

Slow and steady wins the race . . . but good guys finish last.

devious-hobbes

Ignorance is bliss . . . but know thy enemies.

Broccoli-Mocking-Stewie

A rolling stone gathers no moss . . . but haste makes waste.

Pluto-RollerskatingHonesty is the best policy . . . but if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.

Hobbes

Absence makes the heart grow fonder . . . but out of sight, out of mind.

Snoopy

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush . . . but nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Chicken-Little-Poster

Birds of a feather flock together . . . but opposites attract.

Tiggers-R-Us

Aah . . . that’s better!

Can you think of other perplexing anomalies to the proverbs we parrot?

Picking A Prickly Pineapple August 25, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Food & Drink, Fun & Games, Home & Garden, Humor.
Tags: , , , , ,
49 comments

In May, we noticed a pineapple growing in our courtyard:

By mid-July, it had quite a regal crown:

And then it stopped growing and started ripening.  So I picked it:

2014-08-21 11-30-14_0015

To give you a bit of perspective, here’s my best Carmen Miranda imitation:

2014-08-21 11-28-23_0012a_1

Growing pineapples is NOT a get-rich-quick scheme!

Aah . . . that’s better!

A Scottish Love Story August 23, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, People.
Tags: , , , ,
26 comments

220px-The_Love_of_Zero,_35mm_film_Robert_Florey1928A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding hands, gazing out over the loch.

For several minutes they sat silently.

Then the girl looked at the boy and said, “A penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin… perhaps it’s aboot time for a wee kiss.”

The girl blushed, leaned over, and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.

Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus?”

“Well, uh, I was thinkin’ perhaps it’s noo aboot time for a wee cuddle.”

The girl blushed, leaned over, and cuddled him for a few seconds.

228px-Eugene_de_Blaas_A_Pensive_MomentThe two turned again to the loch.

After a while, she whispered, “Another penny for your thoughts, Angus.”

The young man glanced down with a furled brow, “Well, noo, my thoughts are a wee bit more serious.”

“Really?” said the lass in a whisper.

“Aye,” said the lad, nodding.

The girl looked away and bit her lip in anticipation of the ultimate request.

Reaching out, he turned her face to his and said, “Dae ye nae think it’s aboot time ye paid me the first two pennies?”

Och . . . that’s a wee bit better!

Source: e-mail from an unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

The Hospital Bill August 16, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Health & Wellness, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
23 comments

170px-Italienischer_Maler_des_17._Jahrhunderts_001A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerks called an ambulance when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital.

A nun was seated next to his bed holding a clipboard loaded with several forms.

Seeing he was awake, she asked him how he was going to pay for his treatment.

Groggy, he replied, “I don’t know.”

“Do you have health insurance?”

“No.  No health insurance.”

170px-Creation_of_the_Sun_and_Moon_face_detail

“Do you have money in the bank?”

“No.  No money in the bank.”

“Do you have a relative who could help you with the payments?”

“I have a spinster sister.  She’s a nun.”

At this, the nun became agitated.

With practiced authority, she announced, “Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.”

The patient nodded, “Great!  Send the bill to my brother-in-law.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from unknown author (sent by Granny1947)

Celebrating Time’s Passage August 11, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Special Events.
Tags: , , , ,
40 comments

220px-Congrats_bqtRecently, Rainee did a post about Aging ~ The Age Old Questions ~ seeking ideas for how to celebrate an upcoming milestone.

I reflected that age is “just a number that helps us place memories on a timeline from Birth to Death.”

In my younger years, moving along that timeline seemed a matter of greater import than it does these days.  Back then, I celebrated not just my birthday, but my entire birth month!

This year, we planned a low key celebration ~ Happy Hour at the Chart House one day, pizza from Oma’s the next.

Maybe for my 60th, I’ll plan something a bit more spectacular.  More noteworthy.

Like jumping out of a plane.  Or wrestling an alligator.

IMGP1566

Snake charming is out of the question.

Aah . . . that’s better!

What’s your favorite way to celebrate time’s passage?

Stop, Thief! August 2, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Home & Garden, Humor, Joke.
Tags: , , ,
42 comments

grumpy_thinkingGeorge Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was headed to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed.

George opened the back door to go turn off the light and saw two people in the shed stealing stuff.

He phoned the police to report the break in.  The dispatcher asked, “Are they breaking into your house?”

“No, they’re still in my garden shed.”

“OK.  All patrols are busy.  Lock your doors and an officer will be along as soon as one is available.”

Disgusted, George hung up the phone, counted to 30, and called back.

“Hi.  I called a few minutes ago to report two people stealing things from my shed.  You can cancel the dispatch.”

Pluto-Happy“Why’s that?”

“I shot and killed them both.  I think my dogs are eating them.  In any event, problem solved.”

As George hung up the phone, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said, “I thought you said you’d shot them.”

George said, “I thought the dispatcher said there was nobody available.”

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  e-mail from an unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

Don’t Mess With Nuns July 26, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Life Lessons.
Tags: , , , ,
63 comments

Wikipedia ~ Saint Scholastica

A private Catholic school faced a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls had started using lipstick.  After putting it on, they would press their lips to the bathroom mirror, leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the maintenance man removed them; the next day the girls put them back.

Sister Mary decided something had to be done.

She called the girls to the bathroom and explained that the lip prints caused extra work for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors.

The girls yawned.

To press her point home,  Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls the effort required to clean the mirrors each night.

He took a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror.

Problem solved!

There are teachers and there are educators!

Don’t mess with nuns, they are wicked smart!

Aah . . . that’s better!

E-mail from unknown author (sent by Joe M.)

A One-Of-A-Kind You! July 25, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Happiness, Humor, Special Events.
Tags: , , ,
25 comments

monkeysAnother year older?
You ought to be proud
You ought to get boisterous,
noistrous, and loud!

Just think of the things
you know how to do
The sorts of things no one
can do except you

Your brain’s full of wherefores
and who’s whos and whys.
You think someone else
has tried the same tries?

You’re one of a kind,
you’re uncommonly rare
You can’t be replaced
’cause there isn’t a spare

Okay, you’re another year older, it’s true . . .
But how many people
can say they are YOU?!

No one, that’s who!

Aah . . . that’s better!

Source:  Hallmark Dr. Seuss Card (sent by Betsy L.)

This is the other side of the coin from yesterday’s post.  You may not have a grand and glorious purpose to serve, but you do have a “job” to do.

Just Be . . . YOU!

Big Brother IS Watching You! July 22, 2014

Posted by nrhatch in Fun & Games, Humor, Joke, Life Balance, Mindfulness.
Tags: , , , ,
33 comments

2014-05-05 11-35-34_0037Do you ever get the sense that Big Brother is watching?

The sneaking suspicion that someone is recording every move you make?

Every step you take?

On your journey from Here to There.

Do you feel as if someone is peering over your shoulder?

Gauging your progress in getting from where you are to where you want to be?

Well don’t look now, but . . . you’re right!

Big

Brother

IS

Watching

You!

You’re being scrutinized like a bug under a microscope!

And while Big Brother is watching YOU . . . I’m going to make a run for it!

2014-07-13 16-40-11_0031

Aah . . . that’s better!

Related posts:  Privacy is Dead * Privacy Risks of Smart Phones * Häagen-Dazs & Pretzel: A Fractured Fairy Tale

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