When We Stop Striving To Be “Someone” February 28, 2012
Posted by nrhatch in Gratitude, Happiness, Life Lessons, Mindfulness.Tags: Buddhism, Mindfulness, Thanissaro Bhikkhu, True self and false self
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When we stop striving to be ”Someone” . . . we are free of the Ego’s incessant desire for accolades, applause, and attention from those around us.
We make choices and decisions based on the firm footing of the Essential Self, rather than on the shaky ground of the False Self.
We no longer give with the expectation of reciprocity.
If we do something kind for others and the act is not acknowledged, we are just as pleased as we would be if the act were applauded.
We no longer act out of the desire for approval, constantly looking around to see who’s watching.
Our guiding light is love and compassion.
We do not give to get.
We give to give.
Aah . . . that’s better!
Quote to Ponder: When the basis of our well-being is firm within, we can act with true courage and compassion for others, for we’re coming from a solid position of calmness and strength. ~ Thanissaro Bhikkhu
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Artwork by Peter R. Gerbert ~ Spoonbill Lagoon ~ a portion of the proceeds from sales of this fine art print benefits AUDUBON OF FLORIDA’S Roseate Spoonbill research projects and protection efforts.
I suppose there is nothing wrong with trying to be someone as long as it is not ego driven. I am the second one in the first generation that went to college and father is so proud I was a school teacher. I think we use ego incorrectly sometimes. In Freud’s model our ego is simply our personality(unjudged or labeled). The ego as in egotistical, however, is that vain and arrogant self that is a distorted self image. Love the painting as the Everglades starts just 30 miles west of me .
Spontaneously receiving approval from others occurs naturally in healthy human relationships. All for the good.
But it is up to us to remain alert about our inner motivations for acting ~ there is a vast difference between winning approval (as a unexpected “bonus”) and seeking approval for everything we do by gauging our actions to meet the “demands” of others.
Glad you like the painting. I need to add a link to the artist’s page.
I can relate to what you’re saying, Nancy. And even admit that I have been guilt of what you describe in the past. Don’t you think we all kind of grow out of this at some point?
No, I don’t. I am convinced that some/many people continue to use an external compass until the day they die.
They fear rejection and desire approval because they believe that protecting the Ego is more important than being who they want to be. It’s very sad.
That’s interesting Carl. Thanks for explaining.
When we stop trying to be somebody we actually become ourselves – win-win.
Exactly . . . we start looking within where we access the inner wisdom of our Essential Self to guide our actions, instead of being guided by the Ego’s demands, wants, and desires.
Perfect recipe for freedom, peace & joy
Exactly. Learn to “Just Be.”
Aah . . . _/!\_
When we are successful we have to learn how to manage our ego because egos can be destructive.
I had a gushing egocentric blogger appear on my blog not so long ago. She “gushed” about everything…too much. Def OTT
I laughed out loud, but then felt sorry for her when I spotted she awarded herself an award! Should I have encouraged and congratulated her on the award? Rather than send her from my blog with a large flea in her ear. (English expression)
Oh, PiP! That’s funny and sad at the same time.
I give myself “gifts” from time to time (gifts of time, freedom, and, of course, chocolate), but I have never given myself an award.
Imagine the possibilities of being both the giver and receiver of accolades, applause, and awards. Woo hoo! Give it up for ME!
Gorgeous painting Nancy!
IMHO you hit the nail on the head, “… there is a vast difference between winning approval (as a unexpected “bonus”) and seeking approval for everything we do by gauging our actions to meet the ‘demands’ of others.”
Thanks, Theresa. I love, love, love that painting . . . so glad that Audubon chose it for the cover of the magazine.
Life is so much simpler when we allow ourselves to set aside the scoreboard we used to keep track of “tit for tat.” By letting our expectations fall away, we lessen our attachment to things that are outside our control ~ e.g., the actions of others ~ and allow ourselves to focus on what is under our control ~ our thoughts, words, and deeds.
We become grounded in “who we really are” and are no longer at the mercy of the “fickle opinions” of others.
awesome image! – just right…
Nature does not ask, “Who do they want me to be?” . . . its beauty lies in authenticity.
Life is much more peaceful when we stop trying to “be someone” and we just “be”…
Yes! Once we stop trying to “impress” others, the path unfolds before us . . . with our inner wisdom leading the way.
At that point, we S~O~A~R because we are finally F~R~E~E!
Expressing ourselves without the need to inflate the ego which is just a set of thoughts is freeing; when we have this egoless focus we let others be who they are as well.
Yes! Once we realize that who we are is independent of the thoughts, feelings, and opinions of ourselves and others, we are free to embrace our True Self . . . and encourage others to do the same.
When we know WHO we are . . . we know HOW to live. _/!\_
I love that painting!
Me too! Spoonbills visit our lagoon with great regularity . . . and they are always a treat.
Ah. Maslow, one of my favourite blokes
I would love to claim to be self actualised. I think I may be self-actualised on Fridays, when life is generally good to me. Other days, not so much…must make more time to meditate even on the busy days.
Bwahaha! I do my “best work” on Tuesdays, and sometimes on Sundays, rarely on Mondays . . . even these days when Monday no longer means marching into court in full regalia with litigation bags overflowing with “smoking guns.”
Nancy – For me, this is one of the dearest posts you’ve written. Simply Divine.
Yay! Oh . . . wait . . . are you testing me? To see if my Ego is firmly in check?
Here’s to giving for the sheer joy of giving! _/!\_
No, Nancy – apologies if this caused you to work at keeping the almighty ego managed!
A neighbour, a retired therapist, and I were talking about pride. I’m a confident person and wondered if I come across as arrogant.
Acknowledging virtue can elicit pride, I said. She suggested I go to the Library’s thicker-than-my-head dictionary and look up pride. I was amazed. There were dozens of definitions! Only one was negative: Arrogance.
We live at a higher consciousness than 2500 years ago. We have more mirrors and can better balance our contributions to our, or others, spiritual well-being.
I want the freedom to acknowledge something that contributes to my spiritual being. So deal with it, Nancy, the post spoke volumes to me!
Love it! And I shall “deal with it.”
When we stop looking over our shoulder to see what others think about our every action, self-doubt transforms into self-confidence. How could it not? When decisions come from the wisdom within (our constant connection to the source of all things), they shine with light and love . . . with not a drop of arrogance mixed into the mix.
Here’s to Tribe Pride! And thanks ever so much, Amy.
I think that’s it….learning to live with and through generosity motivated by love and compassion…for me, that’s it. I try to keep perspective by watching out for when I’m being pulled either direction by the “8 worldly winds,”….either “over-wanting” or avoiding…. hope for pleasure/happiness-fear of pain, hope for praise-fear of blame, hope for fame-fear of disrepute or insignificance, hope for gain-fear of loss….all natural pulls, but to try to moderate or lessen each of those. But as you write, to keep going back to that guiding light /positive motivation of love and compassion.
Thanks, Kathy! I like seeing those “8 worldly winds” spelled out. When we walk ABOVE those 8 desires, the more at peace we are because we are on firm footing, indeed.
Beautiful post and so true!
Lorraine
Thanks, Lorraine. Being mindful of our thoughts helps us discern our underlying motivation for acting . . . if we see irritation or resentment arise, that’s a clue to look deeper.
Love and compassion rarely exist side-by-side with irritation or resentment.
Mr. Gerbert’s fine art is very fine! And your post is a fine work on just being and doing~no strings attached. Oooo that irritation/resentment is a big clue for me. That irritability came with the worry button Nancy.
Indeed, Pix! Worry, anger, fear, doubt, irritation, resentment, guilt, etc. ~ all are manipulated by the puppet master.
It’s up to us to sever the strings.
Glad you enjoyed the Spoonbills . . . they remind me to be AUTHENTICALLY ME!
We do not give to get.
We give to give.
Thanks Nancy…I couldn’t agree more!
One of my favorite Seinfeld episodes focused on Phoebe trying to render a truly “selfless” act . . . but every time she did something “kind” she realized that she benefitted from a flood of good feelings and endorphins.
She grew increasingly dismayed as she realized how “selfish” her “selfless” acts had been.
It is difficult to “do good” without feeling good in the process . . . even if no one else is watching.
Awesome post and painting.
Thanks! Glad you enjoyed. That painting is one of my favorite Audubon covers of all time.
I think it’s very easy to get lost here and there, especially when so many people constantly try to make us someone we’re not, just to be “helpful.” To become someone, you really have to turn off the static generated by people around you.
As long as we “play to the applause” . . . we are destined to be “people pleasers,” striving to please ALL of the people ALL of the time. Definitely a recipe for failure.
If we “give” and remain happy and at peace no matter the response, then our gift came from the heart with no strings attached. If we “give” and are dismayed by the response or lack of response, then we need to follow the strings back to unearth our hidden motivation.
Beautiful painting…a fitting accompaniment to a beautiful post, Nancy.
Feeling good about oneself is a natural result of doing good for others…and I think that this is ok…in fact, without feeling good about oneself, it is hard to reach out to others with compassion. Perhaps this is how the design is supposed to work…a perfect circle of love.
Feeling good about ourselves is great . . . we need happy self-confidence to let ourselves shine.
The problem comes when we look to OTHERS to light OUR lamp. We are left waiting around for external praise, accolades, acknowledgement, etc., to roll in on the tides. When it does, we are buoyed by the positive attention. When it doesn’t, we are dashed on the rocks by their callous disregard.
We are the LIGHTHOUSE and its KEEPER. We need to learn to light our lamps from within.
I really like what Jeanne said. I use that phrase “give to get” too often. Give to give is much better.
I often say, “we get when we give.” How can we not? When we act from the heart, love floods us with positive energy . . . allowing our lights to shine forth with ever-increasing radiance.
But in that situation we are “getting” those feelings from within . . . instead of waiting for others to fuel our furnaces.
I love that painting… so magical… Now they deserve applause … all the colorful birds of the planet!
It’s a gorgeous bird. Our street is named after the Spoonbill . . . they visit regularly.
Personally, I am a somewhat shy person. I know I’d feel very uncomfortable if I had people looking at me all the time. While I’d love to have both of my novels become best sellers; I know I’d be uneasy at book signings, interviews, etc.
I feel much more comfortable being myself; well liked and respected by people who actually know me personally, and not have to take precautions against my privacy being invaded.
I also get the impression that fame and success are things that should be approached with great caution. Just look at all the celebrities who get themselves in serious trouble, because they think that being “Somebody” means that they can get away with anything. The reality is that those who think they can “get away with it”, don’t get away for long.
Good points, William. I suspect that one reason so many celebrities have unhappy marriages (and drug addled brains) is because “fame” is not all it’s cracked up to be. But, in any sphere, some people act “uber important” even around close friends and confidentes ~ they are always out to impress others with their charm, wit, contributions, and even their piousness. “I am Godlier than thou.”
Any time we make ourselves feel “bigger” or “better” by comparing ourselves with others is a waste of time. The goal is not to be better than THEM . . . it is to be more fully ourselves.
Now, you see – deprecation isn’t so bad after all!
Not necessarily, Robin.
Some people make self-deprecating remarks (knowing that they’ve done well at something) so that others rush to correct them and tell them how stellar they are:
“Sorry about dinner tonight. Cooking’s not my forte!”
“Don’t be silly. Dinner was divine. Best I’ve had in ages.”
“Oh, you’re just saying that . . . ”
“No, I mean it.”
What an Ego trip . . . for the giver and the receiver.
The photo of those pink birds (spoonbills, I think) is gorgeous. I could stare at that all day. It radiates peace and happiness.
Yes, Roseate Spoonbills. They are gorgeous to watch.
Nature nurtures . . . but we must nurture nature.